Asking Husband to help more

[mrshall]

Do you think it's lazy of me to ask my DH to help more around the house when he's in?
At the moment when he comes home from work, I find he tends to lie on the sofa whilst I'm dashing around cooking dinner and getting the kids to eat. He does put the kids to bed though but then I'm clearing up toys and generally tidying up. I also find he leave just as much work lying around for me to clear as the DC.
Sometimes I feel that he doesn't understand how much work is involved in being a SAHM and how much I've given up to do this. He keeps saying things like how lucky I am but when I'm feeling low, it just feels like a treadmill of the same things over and over again forever.

alice

Talk to him! Point out that just because you are a SAHM doesn't mean you are responsible for all the housework and cleaning up after him. How did you divvy things up before you had kids?

Oh God.

I just hate the idea of women having to ask their husbands to help. It's his house and his kids too, he should be doing it, not helping.

He obviously has no respect whatsoever for what you do, otherwise he wouldn't say you were lucky to be a SAHM. If you told him how lucky he was to be able to go out to work and get away from the unpaid, unrespected hard work of looking after the house and kids and what an easy life he had, he'd be pretty peeved at your lack of respect for his work. So he might show some respect for yours.

Talk to him; or go on strike!
My DH does the same, but when I ask him to do something, he generally does. Makes me feel like an old nag though.

Sit down and have a really honest and open talk. It sounds unreasonable to come in and lie on the sofa, but without talking it through, you can't know what he's really feeling, how much stress he's under, how knackered he is etc. It may be that he would welcome the chance to be home more! I think if you are feeling hard done by, and that staying at home is really hard work, then in all fairness you need to be prepared for him to turn around and say, 'OK, you go out and get a P/T job and I'll down size at work and do more around the house'. I'm just pointing that out, because sometimes SAHM feel very resentful of their partner, yet at the same time aren't prepared to change the situation. Your situation sums up why in many ways it's easier when both partners work outside the home and take equal roles within the home. Then you know exactly what the pressures AND the pleasures of work and home are!

Make a list and put it on the wall in the kitchen.

Give jobs to everyone - even very small DCs can go something to help.

Tell your DH what he needs to do in order to help your family life run smoothly, and so everyone feels part of the team.

Perhaps alternate tidying up and putting toys away between yourself and DH, so no-one feels put-upon or hard done to.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, tbh.

Just breezily announce that this is how things are going to be, because it isn't fair that one person does it all.

You need to take care of yourself as well as everyone else.

And you are a wife and mother, not a member of domestic staff.

If everyone does their bit, you will feel that things are fairer, and feel more valued I think.

oooh err.... might be worth a try humphrey, but i certainly wouldnt be happy if my dh just stuck up a list and TOLD me what to do and how things were going to be! Isnt that just perpetuating the imbalance in the relationship, whereby one partner 'mothers' the other and tells them what to do; thereby allowing the other one to feel that they don't have to take responsibility? Far better I think to TALK about the issues. Then come up with a joint list that you agree upon.

FFS if your husband won't do what he should around the house stop doing thrings for him!

Can you ask him to help with one thing that would make a big difference to you? i.e. ask him as he comes in whether he would mind terribly clearing the table and getting it ready for their dinner while you just finish off cooking it? That way, it will stop him putting things down on the table that subsequently have to be moved straight away so that they can eat?

And then perhaps if you put them to bed every other night and he tidies the toys away and washed up from dinner etc, then you will feel that you've had a change, he will appreciate quite how much tidying there is and perhaps be less messy?

I can understand that he flops on the sofa because he's thinking he'll have a quick break before the bed time fun and perhaps doesn't realise the stuff that goes on in the background?
My DH used to be like this and he would fall asleep in the middle of the floor with his stuff everywhere and it would drive me insane. By him doing more, he has naturally become a little more sensitive....

alfiesbabe - you are clearly a much nicer and more patient person than me!

I simply wouldn't have the patience to put up with a man who lay on the sofa whilst I rushed around doing everything for everyone.

If he hadn't got the gumption to work out what he needed to help with on his own, a helpful list stapled to his forehead on the kitchen wall would serve as a gentle reminder.

i know how you feel except i too work and my husband does very little around the house!

I wonder what some of these men did to survive before getting married?

Did they move seamlessly from the bosoms of their mothers, to the bosoms of their spouses, without learning how to wash a dish, iron a shirt or cook a meal?

Or did they live alone, helpless and ill-equipped for independent life - stumbling around feeling hungry, and wearing unwashed and crumpled clothing?

Or are they perfectly capable of doing domestic chores equally as well as anyone else, but get away with not doing anything because they can?

i actually think that after he comes in from work you could cut him a bit of slack.

i think becuase you are on a 'treadmill of the same things' as you see it - that this could be a little of the grass is greener - for both of you

he things you are lucky

you think he is lucky

you both need to recognise the fact that its not a martyredom competition

maybe you sit down have a chat and stating the above write down in black and white what you each agree to do

if he wants to come in sit down relax, eat his tea then put kids to bed without you having a go

then you agree to this as lond as he throws the washing up in as one of his chores ( or dishwasher...thats not even hard is it?!) and he is responsibly for the bins and the recycling and taking them out on the assigned day.

alternate lie ins on saturdays. and general equity in going out with friends so if you want to go somewhere - even if its just to your mums or next door neighbour and he has something planned - like last week and the week before - then this equity of social life needs to be put in place.

seriously though - he is probably knackered and thinks you have the easy life

you probably think - lucky bastard i get thescreaming whinging kids all day nd the fucking housework, no fucking promotion for me...ohhh no!

your both doing what you have to for your family - and i think you both just ned to recognise it

My husband comes in after a 12 hour day and immediately gets on with seeing to the kids reading, baths them, reads to them, puts them to bed while I make our dinner. It works for us. I am happy to help with the kids when needed but cooking is a break for me. He hasn't seen them all day and this is his special time with them.

We have a 'no jobs after 8pm' rule, so all hands on deck until then and then we can both sit down and relax and do what we like.

ahhhh! i am fed up wih this as well. i shouldnt have to ask him because as some one says, its his house and his kids too.
ive come home from a kids party and the breakfast pots are still sat on the table and the fresh apple juice is out..not back in the fridge.
i asked him to put the chicken in the oven and he hasnt done. so im starting washing up, tidying up, cleaning and preparing dinner.
its the same every weekend and i work as well.
they do take the piss SO i am kick serious butt and im gonna tell him he will help me, i am not happy and im gonna make that list that some one mentioned portioning out jobs.
ffs is it too much to ask for him to throw some pots on the sink and give them a swill?

He is not helping you!!!! Are you helping him when you cook dinner? No? Well then.

Asking someone for help gives them the chance to say no. Tell him XYZ needs doing and he needs to do it while you do ABC.

But that approach would really get up my nose, so I presume it would be the same for him too. I always think people respond better if they do things out of choice and asking someone to help with something in particular leaves everyone feeling better than bossing people around.

Yes, but, it sounds like if he is left he will do nothing.

I agree but if he is asked to help by doing x,y and z rather than 'I want you to do that', the OP will almost certainly get a better response. Imagine how you would feel if your DP told you what to do....

He is an adult who is clearly not seeing what needs to be done. Or maybe he is just a lazy sod. Saying he needs to do so and so might be the only way. My husband will ask me what I want him to do but 99% of the time he just sees it and gets on with it.

Some men just don't see it and I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask someone to help out with something before getting arsy.

I agree with Custy. When he's out working all day, it's only reasonable to cut him a bit of slack. However hard you think being a SAHM is, it is not the same as going out to work where you have to meet deadlines, perform to a certain standard and behave professionally all the time! And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes, I have been a SAHM on maternity leaves, including my last one where I had 3 pre schoolers at home, and I still think it's easier than going out to work!Also, it's inevitable that when you're out all day focusing on other things, it's harder to see exactly what needs doing the second you walk in the door. Some wind down time for the OPs DH is reasonable. As a SAHM, you do get that even if you don't realise it. I felt very busy when I was home with my 2 toddlers and baby, but looking back there were chunks of the day when i was sitting feeding, or I grabbed a half hour sitting in the garden while the kids played around me... those are all things you don't get when you're out at work. So cut him a bit of slack, but then sit down and have a sensible conversation like adults.

I don't know how much it helps to get into who works harder. I've had days in paid work AND days at home that have left me a gibbering wreak and other days with both that I have found a breeze. It depends so much on the job you do, the age of your kids, what they are like, what else you are trying to do etc. etc. etc.

But I don't think it is unreasonable for all adults in a household to pull their weight. What we do is DH comes home and takes over until bedtime while I tidy up toys, make supper for us etc. After DD is in bed he has a break while I finish supper. After we eat he washes up while I have a break. The point is the working day for both of us pretty much goes from when we get up until when DD goes to bed. I'd be furious with someone who expected me to keep working in the evenings while they relaxed.