Overwhelmed and resentful of husband - is this normal?

[Sunnyday14558]

I have two boys - a toddler and under 1. My husband and I are both self employed although he earns more than me. He works 5 days a week from home and I look after the kids.

The eldest is at nursery two days a week. Our youngest was in NICU for two months and had a difficult start so he won’t be going to nursery for at least another year. I’m now a full time carer and do 100% of the domestic work aside from my husband washing the dishes after dinner.

my youngest wakes every 2-3 hours at night and I do 100% of the night feeds (breastfeeding). Recently I’ve started to feel incredibly tired and anxious. I feel like I’m sinking in domestic work and aside from one bath a week to wash my hair, have absolutely no free time. My husband is great with the boys and will do bath time/bedtime with my eldest most days but I do feel resentful towards him.

He’s keeping his career going, has one room in the house to himself, works on things he enjoys, sleeps 8 hours, watches TV at night, gets cooked for and cleaned for. I’m grateful we have a roof over our head and he is paying our bills but feel like I’m somehow sacrificing more of myself for our children .

Is this unfair of me? If he’s paying the bills, should I just be grateful and get on with it? Does anyone have a similar situation and found some good ways to reduce the workload/resentment?

I am sorry you are feeling this way.
However I just don't see how your husband is remotely at fault.
I exclusively breastfed myself. Not a single drop of formula. However at some point I sleep trained both children.

Looking after babies is a 24/7 job and utterly exhausting, much more so than any paid employment. Sounds like its time for some more balance in your life and household. Once the working day is finished, looking after the children and house should be 50/50. Introduce bottles for night time so he can help with that too. And consider how he can facilitate you starting to get back into some paid work as well.

I don't think this comment is right or fair at all.

I completely get where you're coming from OP, and you're in the trenches right now. It will get better but this is such a hard phase, with two as well and notwithstanding what sounds like a trauma you all went through with your little one.

Be kind to yourself. Do the bare minimum during the day. Get out for walks with the baby etc but don't feel the need to go crazy on the domestic front, just do what needs to be done and no more.

How do weekends work? Can your husband take the children for one day or half a day to let you do something? I'd do the hair washing when husband is doing bath / bedtime in the evenings and then use the weekend to get out / see a friend / go to the gym / cinema or whatever you want to do. Could this work?

Also how much money is there and could you afford a cleaner once a fortnight to help, or could you afford to buy in a COOK delivery so dinner is sorted for a couple of nights a week?

Xx

I'm not surprised you're resentful.

If you start with the assumption that both of you have equal sleep/rest time, equal work time and equal free time how might that look?

Recently I’ve started to feel incredibly tired and anxious. I feel like I’m sinking in domestic work and aside from one bath a week to wash my hair, have absolutely no free time
Have you said this to your husband?

If it were just the two of you, no kids, you would reasonably expect that the two of you would equally split domestic chores.

You are doing a job by providing childcare for your younger child the whole time your husband works, and for all of that less 2 days for your elder child

I totally get your resentment and that this division of labour is unsustainable, but have you actually discussed this with your husband?

Do not neglect your career at the expense of housework. If need be, stop doing stuff that doesn't directly affect you and the children. Get a cleaner, stop cooking for him or do his laundry, don't even think of tending to the garden.

I get so angry when I read about such inconsiderate and selfish men.

I think I’ve created this problem myself. I always want to please people and have a bit of ocd so I try to do everything ‘perfectly’. He’s got used to home cooked meals every day and all his clothes washed and ironed. I’ve just confronted him about how exhausted I am and he’s agreed to a cleaner three hours fortnightly. He’s refused to cook and doesn’t know how to work the washing machine. He’s been so rude about it I’ve told him I’m not washing his clothes anymore and I’ll cook meals for myself and the boys to eat together. It’s a horrible feeling because he earns the money and has savings. I have zero in my account. Wondering how I managed to get myself into this predicament but will have to muddle through until my youngest can go to nursery and I can work again.

He’s got used to home cooked meals every day and all his clothes washed and ironed. I’ve just confronted him about how exhausted I am and he’s agreed to a cleaner three hours fortnightly. He’s refused to cook and doesn’t know how to work the washing machine. He’s been so rude about it I’ve told him I’m not washing his clothes anymore and I’ll cook meals for myself and the boys to eat together. It’s a horrible feeling because he earns the money and has savings. I have zero in my account. Wondering how I managed to get myself into this predicament but will have to muddle through until my youngest can go to nursery and I can work again

To be honest it doesn't sound like a marriage or partnership.

I are both self employed although he earns more than me

^

How can you be a full time carer, do 100% of the housework and be self employed??

Something's not jiving

Also, why is it relevant that he earns more??

He’s keeping his career going, has one room in the house to himself, works on things he enjoys, sleeps 8 hours, watches TV at night, gets cooked for and cleaned for. I’m grateful we have a roof over our head and he is paying our bills but feel like I’m somehow sacrificing more of myself for our children

^

Who owns the roof???

Well I’m not working at the moment because I don’t have childcare for our youngest. Because of his start, I’d prefer to put him in nursery in a year. We both own the roof although he’s paying the mortgage so there’s always a sense it’s because of him we have the house - which is probably true.

I need to find a way to divide up housework fairly. Does anyone have any ideas? I do t want to ‘ask’ him to do things.

You need a cleaner for more than 3 hours a fortnight for a start. I'd go with weekly to keep on top of the cleaning so you only need to worry about the tidying. If he won't learn how to select a wash on the machine, you should outsource washing too. There are plenty of people who will pick up a load of dirty clothes and return them to you washed, ironed and folded/hung.

To be fair I think if you’re not working at the moment then it is fair that you’re taking on the bulk of the household stuff, I have a 10 month old, currently on maternity leave, and that’s how we work it. I’m going back to work soon so we’ll go back to the usual division of house work because at that point we both have the same amount of time to fit it in. Right now, I have the time to do it. Yes having a baby means my time isn’t completely my own but I can pop the washing in etc.

If your husband is happy to do bath & bedtime why can’t you have that as your free time?

“there’s always a sense it’s because of him we have the house - which is probably true.”

You are both parents. Both of you.
If you weren’t there how much would it cost him to do all the work you do?

The house is there and bills paid because you are facilitating him.

It sounds like it’s about time he started to step up and stop being a whiny manbaby.

He refuses to cook? So he’s never in his life had to make food for himself? What a silly excuses. And even if he doesn’t know how to cook a meal it’s called learning. An 11 year old can throw together a simple pasta dish!

Same goes for the washing machine. Take him by the hand like the child he is and show him how to work the washing machine and let him know you expect him to be taking some responsibility to fill it when needed and emptying it too.

@Mrsttcno1 this exactly, or at least until we had baby 2. I’ve always felt like the domestic work and childcare come hand in hand and as long as we’re both working, that’s fair. The trouble is, now we have a toddler and a baby, when he’s doing bath and bed for the eldest, I’m washing and feeding the youngest. My eldest doesn’t nap and is very energetic so we have to go out in the day to make sure we don’t disturb my husband at work (he works from home). There’s literally no time in the day to be doing domestic work so I find myself doing it in all hours when everyone is asleep. When our youngest was smaller I was getting a lot done while my eldest was at nursery for two days. Again, this seemed very fair. The trouble is, now he’s bigger he also needs attention and activities and I can’t practically do three hours of cleaning with him sitting watching me plus all the cooking and washing for a week. He was in NICU for many months so we don’t have a good sleep schedule yet. Perhaps when that’s sorted I can at least get something done while he naps. I do have a sense of guilt asking for us to spend money on cleaners and meals though.

I think you need to take on less. Whether he steps up or not, you'll be better rested.

So when he does bed and bath time, don't tidy up or clean up in the meantime. You sit down and rest.

In the daytime if you're exhausted : take a nap with the baby.

So the house may not be perfectly tidy and dinner cooked, so what ? Grilled cheese toast or omelette won't kill anyone as an occasional dinner.

If he complains about the house being untidy, tell him he can do it if he cares so much.

You say you’re not working because “I don’t have childcare” as if you are the only parent. You both decided to have children, they are both your responsibility. You are not working right now because you’re looking after your joint child.

You don’t need to be thankful that he’s paying the mortgage like he’s doing you a favour. He’s doing it because you are caring for HIS child.

Get a whiteboard/chalkboard for the kitchen and have a side with both of your names on and underneath, the daily jobs that need doing. Bins emptying, washing doing, hoovering, dinner cooked etc etc.

when it’s written in black and white and he can see that you’re fairly splitting things he hasn’t got a leg to stand on with moaning.

The way we did it is make sure that we both did "working hours", me with the kids and him with paid employment. Then outside of work hours we split chores and child-caring 50/50.

DH did the dishes, bins, diy, 50% of bathtimes and bedtimes, and managed our budget/ bills/ etc. I did laundry, meal planning and cooking, and shopping as well as the majority of life admin. We both had equal time for hobbies/ socialising.

Raising children is a full time job in itself so we used to keep the housework for when there were 2 adults available- one meeting kids needs, one washing up/ folding clothes/ hoovering etc.

You didnt ask specifically about money, but as you mentioned it in one of your posts- We share all money equally via a joint account, and have the same amount of disposable income each. The majority of our joint savings are in my name alone even though my husband is the sole earner in our household.

@DaisyChain505 I’m thinking about some kind of list where we can both see the jobs and who is doing them

@DinosaurOfFire that sounds really fair. How did you go about sharing cleaning work?

we both pay an equal salary into our accounts but it just covers our outgoings (bills, mortgage, living expenses). I’ve tried to think of ways to make a little extra disposable income but really don’t feel I have the time for it.

I think the trouble is that because I do everything normally, he doesn’t realise how much work it is. I’m hoping if he starts to do a bit more of the domestic work he’ll a better idea of how much time and energy it takes

It's not fair. You have 2 small kids together and his life and finances continues on as normal while you're stressed and poor.

I'd propose making it fair. Since you don't share finances, it's not a partnership and it doesn't matter to you if he earns more because it's just going into his savings, not yours. When your baby's 1 and not so dependent on you and BFing, it's DH's turn to stay home so you can work, pay the bills and top up your savings a bit (hopefully, you'd earn enough) and enjoy lunchbreaks etc. You might have to scale back at home while you do this since you don't make as much as DH. My 4yo knows what buttons to press on the washing machine and helps me cook. Your DH can learn easily enough if he has to.

Perhaps you need to read this book (link to follow). 10 million copies sold
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Courage-Be-Disliked-yourself-happiness/dp/176063073X/ref=mp_s_a_1_11?crid=I5TWA36RG2YK&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.clUxoD6rpCrKUIesLFXpmIL3zFq-KBKtxEyJlKxB28Usjr6VLy7uUenfhbPfdNKzBUgr50MY7alLw1TZLGmKl0Rvfod840X0DoS5u8OXsaAvGp1KUg3ZSGMOW1DLxyz6z4kqZTySa06nbSVPBeKGD8dsF4anry6AuYpuHFn7oulup85g3pYmdAjQLFpFLPJPgE9xTNmPBrQDUxC7ueKD5Q.DlHOfu8TOIO8yqrJXRp4T4caAOqzyPqQku7Ph9gT-8o&dib_tag=se&keywords=stop+people+pleasing&qid=1740603808&sprefix=stop+peopl%2Caps%2C84&sr=8-11

Read the book Fair Play - it will help you work out how to divide up all the household tasks and project manage things more easily. It's a pain in the ass he doesn't / won't cook, but for now - for your sanity - concentrate on finding and allocating tasks he can do. Eg childcare, bins, dishwasher etc.

You didn't answer my question about weekends - are you getting time for yourself? You should every week.

Whereabouts are you in the country? If you're in London you can use I Hate Ironing to collect and drop off some the more fiddly / annoying laundry like bedsheets, stuff that needs ironing etc once a week? Then just stick a wash to dry cycle in once a day with things like socks, towels etc.

Lower your standards over tidying / cleaning the house within reason.

Do an online COOK order for the freezer for evenings when you've simply nothing left. Meal plan and make lists on your online grocery account so you just click that list to buy everything (eg week 1 list, week 2 etc). Plan single easy one tray meals using recipes from the Easy Roasting Tin / traybake style stuff - healthy and quick.

Use your husband's "commute" time to go for a 30 minute walk outside everyday by yourself with EarPods in listening to something audiobook / music / podcast / meditation.
He doesn't commute so he uses that time to play with the kids.

Have a cut off time after which no chores are done - eg once dinner is finished. Use the rest of the evening to unwind, read, or sleep.

Get him to stack and start dishwasher every evening before he goes to bed and empty iit every morning whilst he's having his morning coffee / breakfast. Simple but makes so much difference to kitchen tidiness.

X

I think the key, simple message is that when he is not working, everything should be shared. It’s not as though you’re getting loads of free time during the day so it balances out. So if he’s getting tv time in the evening, why aren’t you getting it? You may need to take a big step back (and lose some control) and let him take on things, or fail to take on things. The refusal to cook or wash clothes is appalling.

Also, I don’t think it’s fair that you have to tiptoe around while he’s working. That will make your life so much harder. Wouldn’t it be possible for him to rent a desk/work at the library/cafe?

Do you have full access to money?

@itsmondayyy thanks for the tips. I’ll look at that book. Currently I don’t get any time to myself. My youngest has really bad separation anxiety so I’m always with him. We don’t have a dishwasher but I’m hoping we’ll get one before next year.

@Gringee I do have access to money but no savings. A coworking space sone days if the week might be nice for us all!