Overwhelmed and resentful of husband - is this normal?

[Sunnyday14558]

I have two boys - a toddler and under 1. My husband and I are both self employed although he earns more than me. He works 5 days a week from home and I look after the kids.

The eldest is at nursery two days a week. Our youngest was in NICU for two months and had a difficult start so he won’t be going to nursery for at least another year. I’m now a full time carer and do 100% of the domestic work aside from my husband washing the dishes after dinner.

my youngest wakes every 2-3 hours at night and I do 100% of the night feeds (breastfeeding). Recently I’ve started to feel incredibly tired and anxious. I feel like I’m sinking in domestic work and aside from one bath a week to wash my hair, have absolutely no free time. My husband is great with the boys and will do bath time/bedtime with my eldest most days but I do feel resentful towards him.

He’s keeping his career going, has one room in the house to himself, works on things he enjoys, sleeps 8 hours, watches TV at night, gets cooked for and cleaned for. I’m grateful we have a roof over our head and he is paying our bills but feel like I’m somehow sacrificing more of myself for our children .

Is this unfair of me? If he’s paying the bills, should I just be grateful and get on with it? Does anyone have a similar situation and found some good ways to reduce the workload/resentment?

@Sunnyday14558 We would tag team for extra cleaning jobs- one of us would supervise kids, the other run the hoover round/ sweep etc. We lowered our standards and did non-essential things maybe once a week/ once a fortnight. Food would get picked up off the floor immediately but dusting and a proper hoover would get done as and when for eg. And we had a LOT of takeaways for adults on the days when I was just too worn out to cook, plus super easy toddler meals (my 3 all have additional needs and were very high needs babies and toddlers).

Leave for a week and go stay with family or friends for some rest, throw him in at the deep end. Teach him a short sharp lesson. Sometimes you have to draw strong boundaries to garner respect. Don’t ask, tell, then walk.

I agree with some previous comments, a cleaner 3hrs weekly not fortnightly.
You say you have to take your son out of the house, is there a reason why your OH has to work from home? Can’t he take his laptop to a cafe for a morning to allow you to have some time at home?
I know you said your youngest was in nicu, but is that really a good reason to stop him from benefitting from nursery?
having young kids and juggling work/life demands is really hard, even in this ‘modern’ age it’s crazy to me how many men revert to 1950’s husbands!

You need to go back to work for your own sanity and for respect from DH. Not necessarily fulltime, but at least a few days a week, and let him start juggling childcare.
Him working from home isn’t working for you. It’s impossible to keep 2 small children quiet all day, I wouldn’t even bother trying.
It sounds like you are making all the compromises and he is making none. Time for you to stop making everything your responsibility . If DH can’t cook, he can learn, or make sandwiches for you both, or cook eggs with oven chips sometimes . Don’t indulge this nonsense. Otherwise you will get more and more resentful.

Yes we did this, I spread the jobs out over 5 works days or 2 when I went back PT so we were both were free on the weekends, if one of is not working I dont see why the other has to do housework? DH did the odd thing when it needed doing but the normal stuff I did

same if I was working and he not, he would do the normal stuff

I breastfed both of my DCs. My DH was working full time and I was a SAHM. When my babies woke up crying at night, he would get up and change nappies then bring baby to me so I could breastfeed like a zombie. He would then lie on my side of the bed so when I finished feeding the bed was warm for me. Just because men can not breastfeed doesnt mean they cant get up and help. To be honest, I never asked him to do those things, he did it because he felt a sense of responsibility. Having toddlers and babies is really challenging for both parents and it requires a lot of team work.

On the other side if I was the only working person, if I was told that me going out to work was less of a contribution to the family id actually think about leaving. Wether you were there or not he would have a job. If you need help structuring or with the household look at a cleaner but if your not working you should be able to pick up hone stuff in full. You speak so dismissively of his work but its the reason you eat and have a house, im baffled as to why someone are telling you that you'd be better without him, you'd be unemployed with what you have said is a father likely to want 50% of the children. If you have specific problems talk through with him but dont turn it into i work harder then you fight as everyone loses.

Really bad advice on here dont turn this into a fight or that your so invaluable as a cleaner and a cook thats the reason he will realise things if you with hold those things. I wouldn't reduce your relationship to that.

Refuses to cook and refuses to do washing would be a deal breaker with me, I think your no more cooking and cleaning for him is the right approach. Hes not owed a slave. Fortunately we worked that out pre kids. However this was a while ago- how has it gone op? I hope this didn’t just show his true colours as another man who thinks a wife is a household slave and he’s too special and important to do things around the house.

That first comment is awful.

I believe that maternity leave is for:
you to recover from pregnancy and birth
you to look after, feed and bond with the baby

that’s it.

no one would take a year off work to ‘look after the house’

your other half is treating you as a live in servant