SAHM advice please

[Triedeveryusernameunderthesun]

Hi
I am in desperate need of advice please. It's a long story, so I am just going summarise. I feel very alone right now so please be kind :)
I have 2 children and a joint mortgage with husband. He is the sole earner. I am a f/t sahm. Our oldest is in school, but I have never been fully on board with this. I plan to home school our youngest.
Are there any sahm/co-parenting, working from home and home schooling?
Do you claim UC?
What do I do about the house/mortgage?
I have been reading online but it feels really overwhelming and I have a lot going on right now. I can't think clearly.

Thank you x

Sorry I’ve just read your updates.. I’m sorry to hear you are going through a break up, that must be so difficult ❤️ would you manage to work your hours in the evenings when the kiddos are sleeping and on the days they are with dad? If so, you could definitely manage to juggle home ed and working from home. There are a few similar set ups from locals in our home ed community. UC would top you up if your earnings were low. Wishing you all the best

I work from home, you really can’t wfh and be around for your children and mine are teens. They need much more input than a quick break allows.

As I said OP the best place to ask is on the Facebook groups that are full of home educating parents, many of whom do manage to work and home ed be it evening work or using childcare or something else, Mumsnet can be quite harsh and narrow minded at times and I would always advise asking people who have lived experience of your situation(and no homeschooling during lockdown wasn’t the same even for experienced home educators).
If you want to home ed then these groups are invaluable anyway, due to the level of support they offer and the local groups will be where you would find information about what is going on in your area which will be a big factor if you do choose to home educate.

OP honestly no one is deliberately having a go at you but you sound very naive. A lot in your proposed set up will depend on your own qualifications and what type of work from home job you are looking for. I know the call centre customer service type roles with multinationals can have you micromanaged without a spare second so you wouldn't be deciding what hours you worked as your shift is set. Obviously if you have something in mind that's more flexible then that's great. The issue seems to be that you are taking on too much at the one time . A separation is a big thing and a massive strain on anyone's mental health so don't try to be superwoman and do one thing at a time. Why not try school and get your self back working and then reevaluate what you'd like to do once things are more settled.

This is a lovely, kind reply, but the result would be OP spending literally all of her time teaching kids, working a paid job or sleeping (let's not even think about the planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, taxiing to clubs and all other life admin because there is no partner).

While I have no doubt there are a few people who are indeed doing this, I suspect it would not be sustainable long term for the majority of people.

You'd have to be incredibly resilient, very high energy, have a job that needs no flexibility & be born to teach - in addition to having very reliable, understanding & supportive people around you to pick up the million other things required to run a home & family. You absolutely cannot factor in the Dad here as who knows if he will be reliable or (as he sounds like a bit of a control freak) whether he'll see an opportunity to really fuck things up for OP.

I'm sorry - I appreciate it's negative, but from the outside looking in, working & HE is unrealistic for a single person.

Surely if you're working from home, you're working? How do you home-school your children if you're working at the same time?

Please don't HE your kids. It can work wonderfully in some circumstances but you are not equipped for it, neither financially nor mentally. Let your kids experience regular education and if some years down the line they want to opt out you can consider it then. Regular state schools are in most cases wonderful for children, not just from an educational POV but also a social one.

I don’t think your reasons for homeschooling are reasonable. Schools don’t make money (apart from a few private schools) and even if they did, it would be better than being educated by an unqualified parent who was trying to hold down another job. Schools aren’t perfect but they are an awful lot better than that.

As someone who WFH and has flexible working, there is no way I could home school and WFH, especially a young child.

For example, what would your child be doing when you have a 2 hour team meeting online? What would you do when you have online training all day?

Likewise, you need to be available for calls from colleagues and customers (possibly). Most employers would expect you to be available online for core hours.

Some employers like mine say the latest you can be logged on is 7pm. So you couldn't catch up when the kids are in bed.

Not trying to be negative, but you need to consider all these factors. WFH for me has been fantastic, but my child is at school.

Don't put yourself under too much pressure. Home education would be my last area to focus on.

You can only work in the evenings and at nap times but @Triedeveryusernameunderthesun I don't know many school aged children who regularly nap do they? And more importantly, what would they be doing in the evenings while you work? By the time they are 8/9 (and so nearly a decade of schooling left), most kids are not asleep before 8:30ish. So if you don't want to stay up till midnight, you would get maybe 2-3 hours of work a day done at the end of a long day of homeschooling.

I don't think we need to know an hour by hour plan, and homeschooling is a perfectly reasonable option, but homeschooling and PT working (in a job that will also cover living expenses and the mortgage since we all agree your DH is an abusive arsehole) is really not that easy. The reason we are pointing out the logistical difficulties is not to beat you back, but to ask you to take a more measured approach. At the moment that might mean for a year or two you work FT while your kids go to school and you build up a financial buffer after you leave your husband.

Most women who WFH do t also homeschool, you’re not being realistic if you think you can do both successfully.
You would be expected to work rather than live off UC.

I am probably the demographic you are looking for. I freelance part-time, and I home educate a young child. However, I have a partner who is not financially abusive and I am not at risk of imminent divorce. If I was, there is absolutely no way I could do what I do. My partner's support, both financially, and emotionally is the only way this setup works. My partner also chips in with the education of several subjects - music, a second language etc - things I can't do well.

Regarding my work. I have a very niche career and I mainly work for American companies, so my hours mean I work in the evening when my partner has already finished for the day and can fully engage our kid. But there is times when there is overlap. Like today, for example. Something came in overnight that I had to deal with this morning. My DS sat next to me doing Reading Eggs and Math seeds on his laptop whilst I dealt with my stuff, which was fine for him, but for me, it was a nightmare trying to concentrate whilst his laptop was making so much noise! Luckily it's not often these things happen, but there's no way, as others have said, I could give 100% to work and my kid. Sorry, OP, I know this really isn't what you want to hear, but I have to be honest with you. The reality is much more stressful than the fantasy.

I second the advice to join Facebook at get onto the home groups. There is even a specific one for work from home jobs, with multiple posted daily. But please do have a long hard think about the realities you'll face, because it really isn't as simple as you think.

Schools are about making money. Google it. Why do you think many are now academies!

This comment suggests that you have very little grip on reality, OP. I would have concerns about you trying to home educate your children.

Are you sure your anxiety is not influencing your view of schools and desire to keep youngest at home with you?

Many ‘wfh’ jobs now involve teams and the expectation to be extremely clearly working all the time. My teams alerts go off constantly, my first meeting is first thing Monday morning and last Friday afternoon with tons in between - very hard to do anything else but work even if I wanted to! Read the threads on here about women wondering if they’ll manage to throw a wash on at lunchtime (and many not even managing that!).

Its not just a set amount of discrete tasks handed out to get on with!

What kind of work from home job do you realistically think you can do when homeschooling? Unless you have a very niche skill that you can do freelance and only needs a few hours in the evening then no, it is stupid idea. I work from home and in that time I'm working and dd is at school.

I also think it's outrageous to just decide to homeschool and not work, based on nothing really, then claim UC. I know families who homeschool and they have made the decision based on child's needs and sacrificed things in order to afford it.

No it’s unlikely they work from home and home school. It’s not possible to do both well at the same time.

The single parents I know who home educate and work use childcare or ex partner care or work twilight shifts.

A more significant number of single parents don't work either because of their own disabilities or their child's and home educate claiming UC as they have no work commitments.

If your children don't have disabilities you will be required to work 35 hours a week once your youngest child is school age. That's potentially compatible with home education if you for example use some family and paid childcare for example you work weekend while ex has kids, your mum has the kids one day a week and they go to a home Ed setting for two days but it's a lot of juggling and not easy.

I work two days and home Ed but I have a partner also working full time and paid childcare

What was your job before you became a sahm? I mainly wfh but have to work within core hours depending on your role there maybe more flexibility but i couldn't home school and work at the same time and I doubt a school age child would still be taking naps a few of my friends worked evenings to save on childcare but they started work at 6pm when their dh were home from work to take over looking after dc

I think you would be expected to work 35 hours a week once your youngest is school age

Perhaps answers aren’t helpful because your OP lacked detail and clarity.

Sadly (& frustratingly) WFH is changing we are being pulled into to the offices more. My company have gone from flexible approach aim for 2 days (no questions if you don’t) to 3 day’s mandatory. It’s thrown a lot of parents and carers as suddenly they realise ASC are full as it’s the middle of the year. When concerns raised the response is….WFH was never childcare and shouldn’t have been assumed without it being in an emergency:(

I think PT hours WFH may be hard to get - but I don’t know your skills so maybe something out there for you.

Perhaps answers aren’t helpful because your OP lacked detail and clarity.

I particularly enjoyed the fact that we were all supposed to know that she was getting divorced, was being financially abused,and wanted to work from home too from 'I'm married and a SAHM'

Working p/t I could do my hours potentially of an evening or during nap times etc.

@TriedeveryusernameunderthesunThis would be flexi-working though surely, not part-time working, where the hours are flexible and work times are not set or standard. And what school age child still naps?

If you're home-educating in the day, and parenting in the afternoon/early evening prepping dinner etc, and working when everyone else is asleep - when will you sleep? When will you plan or resource or prepare what you are going teach?

Sorry you felt attacked op. If you come back to ithis thread my pennies worth is:

A) Homeschooling to stop education providers making a profit is not a good enough reason to homeschool. Honestly, the fact that you're even thinking like that makes me concerned that you are even considering homeschooling. You're not in the headspace to do it and you haven't realised that. Sorry.

B) you have to be really dedicated and determined as well as educated yourself to do homeschooling. Can you do trigonometry, algebra or Alevel (whatever that's called now) English ?

C) you need a job and money to leave your husband. And you can't do a job with kids at home needing help. Either your job or the kids will suffer. You can't do both. Your employer won't let you look after kids as they know concentration suffers.

D) if you expect to claim benefits the DSS will expect you to work and will pressurise you until you do. Then what happens to your kids education.

Get counselling.
Leave your kids in school
Leave husband if your relationships done
Claim benefits / get a part time job

Good luck. I wish you well. You can do this. We all deserve to be happy.

I'm sorry if this comes across as horrible but it's a genuine question. Why should I, the taxpayer, fund your UC claim so that you can be a SAHM?