Second child pressure

[AnxiousLurker]

I'm a first time mummy to my beautiful DD. She's 21-months-old and my absolute world.

For some reason, since she hit 18 months, everyone we meet at toddler groups and all our parents' mates seem to have become obsessed with asking 'when number two is coming'. I've always seen myself with two children, but with a larger age gap. I've always said that I'd like my first to be in school and have things of their own (routines, friends, hobbies etc) and then think about having another baby. I'd like to be able to go to the same baby classes with number two as I did with one and have number one in school, as opposed to just being babysat by my mum. That said, I am an only child and never felt like I was missing anything and I've never really understood why only children are stereotyped as being lonely and spoilt. In my mind, you can be one of six siblings and feel lonely for many reasons unrelated to just having a sibling your age, just as you can be one of two and be spoilt.

I suffer badly with anxiety and, recently, my main anxiety has been around whether or not I should reevaluate my 'plan' and have another child now 'because I should' and I actually feel quite a lot of pressure. I’m not sure I could cope again but I am 100% sure that bringing a child into the world in the near future ‘because society says so’ is a very bad idea. I am growing tired of defending myself to other mums, who look at me like I've grown another head when I say that it isn't on my radar right now. 'Oh but they'll only get on if they're close in age' and 'but the first one will be so lonely' keeps coming up, like having a second child is supposed to be a gift for the first. I keep getting told I'm selfish for not wanting to have a second one, because it must be because I don't want to go back to sleepless nights and bottles etc (my DD slept through from 3 months but it was my mental state that kept me up and crying).

I really want to get a handle on this before it saps the enjoyment out of motherhood full stop because right now I’m in danger of missing out moments with my first child because I’m thinking about a hypothetical second. Has anybody felt these feelings before? Or faced these questions and have a clever way to respond that won't get me thrown out of toddler group? I just feel so judged and like I'm not a good enough mum because/if I only have one child.

(To add, I would have no issue with being an only-child mum if I am only to be blessed with my beautiful daughter. There are no guarantees in this life and there is certainly nothing wrong with having one child if that is the decision you arrive at, be it for financial reasons, health, whatever it is)

TIA

The way to think about it is that no one other than you partner and perhaps immediate family genuinely cares whether or not you have a second

Most people are just making conversation. They don't actually care if your children share interests or if one is lonely. I wanted children close together because my partner and I were both knackered so figured we may as well keep going and get it done. Other people like a break. As long as you've got time from a fertility view point just have a second when you're ready.

I imagine they are just thoughtlessly making conversation. I'd just pay them no attention.

The decision on whether or not to have another child (and when) is for you and your partner. Nobody else, although sometimes other people do seem overly invested in it.

Remember that you are under no obligation to justify yourself to anyone else. People will judge you whether you have no children (why not and when, they will ask) just one (ooh, you must give them a sibling etc., when is no. 2 coming along?), two (usually fine), three (did you mean to?) or more. You name it and they'll find something to judge. I had three girls and got told what a shame it was because now I would have to try for a fourth in order to get a boy! I didn't want to. I was more than happy with my three DDs and stopped at three.

You just grow a thick skin and do what is right for you and your family.

Thank you all. I accept that a lot of the pressure I feel is most likely on me. You’re totally right, most people are just making conversation and nobody actually cares. Maybe I need to remind myself of that more.

Does your partner want a second?

As others have said - they don't really care if or when you have another baby. They are just in the baby phase themselves and are making casual conversation

Just say, ‘And is anything happening in your life, Angela?’ every time.

Not right now, no. DH also wants a larger gap but mainly for me to be happy and ready as it’s my body and mainly me at home etc.

He also thinks people are just making conversation and don’t really care what we do. And that I need a thicker skin!

I started getting this days after my first was born. I knew I was one and done so I just tell them god no I'm not doing that again and laugh 😂. Don't pay any attention to what others say. You know how you want it to be so beautiful comfortable in that. For reference, my sister and I who have a 20 month gap constantly fought growing up whereas the sister with 4.5 year gap We've never argued and still have a great relationship now so your plan could be the better way if they were like mine

Stick with your plan of a bigger age gap and to hell with the comments. It sounds like it will work well for you and that you have thought about it long and hard. My sister says you get judged no matter what you do as a parent and it really resonates with me. Small age gap you get judged for having another child too soon while your first is still very young/ a baby, bigger age gap you are judged for not giving your first a sibling quick enough

Every time someone asks, asks them "so how's your sex life?"

He’s right!

We had this a lot after no.1, from them being around THREE MONTHS. I wish I was joking!! I know really people are just making what they think is funny and polite conversation but I used to always politely and quickly shut it down and change topics. Cos I actually think it's rude and so silly, for all anyone knows you could be struggling with fertility or something, so it's terrible for people to be saying anything to you.

In terms of your plans, sounds like you know what will work best for you and your family, stick with that! We have 3.5 yrs between DC1 and 2 and another 3yrs between DC2 and DC3 and we are stopping there. This rough age gap works well for us in some ways, also has it's challenges in others. There are pros and cons to all gaps and a lot of it is related to fertility which is out of our control a lot anyway - my kids would have had 5 months and 6 months smaller gaps respectively if we'd conceived first cycles for example, which whilst very young is a significant difference (but obviously won't be when they're all older).

I have cousins with like 8yr age gaps that have always been super close and shared some similar interests btw. And lots of people are close in age to their siblings and never get on. So the age gap is nothing to do with the relationship between siblings.

Please don't have another child just yet just cos you think you should!

Not sure why people are coming up with weird passive aggressive responses for you to use. Why would you? Just say honestly "don't want one for a while". People on here can be very weird indeed (not you op)

Only @RandomMess ’ daft response as far as I can tell.

Oh perhaps I misunderstood the "and what's going on in YOUR life Angela- every time" response. Sounded pretty PA to me

Oh I missed that

Seriously people need it pointing out to them that it's inappropriate to ask. For those suffering with secondary infertility, just had a miscarriage etc yes a lighthearted PA response has its purpose.

So say you think it’s inappropriate

but asking about their sex life? Well, would you? Or is that just the advice to give out to posters?

@Thoughtfullythorough but every time someone asks them"when are you having another baby" they are asking about your sex life!

So would you respond as you advised the Op to?

My boys have a 19 month gap and have a beautiful relationship. Age gaps are not predictors of what a relationship will be like. Personally I wanted a small gap as I figured it'd be easier logistically, and they would be more likely to be interested in the same games, and so far this is the case. But each to their own.

OP, people tend to talk about what's on their mind. They're probably asking because they're thinking about their second or in the process of having them. Just say you haven't decided them and ask them about THEIR plans for another child, and they'll very likely tell you alllll about it.

I'm going to take your sister's advice with me too! That's very true though, I've seen threads and stories of people getting pregnant six weeks after birth and being trolled so hard for their choice. I do think it's interesting how it is seen as acceptable to openly ask people about their plans for children etc. It's utterly fascinating actually how invested some people become in other's plans. Then again, you never know what goes on behind closed doors so maybe (sometimes) there is a reason for the questioning.

Wow, three months! I feel lucky I've avoided the questioning this long 😂

Thank you for sharing your experience and stories! My DH and I have given this a lot of thought and how it would work best in our family. 100% not going to have another child because society says so but equally worry I'm doing my DD a disservice by not. Then again, more of a disservice to her to not show up 100% as I'm too busy worrying what other people think.

My son is the same age and I’ve had similar comments. People are strange. Just ignore them and do what’s best for your family. Wait for the age gap that you want.