Splitting bills with kids that aren’t mine

[Clueless96]

I feel terrible even asking but I can’t help but struggle with this topic. So I live with my partner and their 2 children. We earn the same amount from jobs but they get extra from government and also child maintenance, I pay exactly half of everything, rent, bills and also the food shop. Is this fair?

Just live on your own. So much easier.

I would say you should pay half rent, half council tax, half utilities (kids don't use much) but a third of food, days out etc.

Just pool all money including child benefit and kids things they need gets taken out, their clubs and activities, pocket money then food and bills get taken out, an amount for joint savings, then what's left should be split between you and your partner. You are a family now. In moving in with DC to be with your partner you took on these DC.

What was the agreement before you moved in with him?

My sister is in a similar situation.
She moved in with her DP and had a baby. Her other 2 kids then needed to move in and her income has reduced and she needs to make a claim for UC.
But they don’t share money because he won’t pay/she wouldn’t ask him to pay for her kids and so it’s all a bit tricky.

I personally wouldn’t expect my partner to pay 50/50 on food and days out etc but I would expect him to pay 50/50 on rent and council tax etc - basically anything that would cost the same whether the kids were there or not.

Rent on a 2/3 bed house needed for 2 adults 2 children is going to be loads more than on a 1 bed flat for 2 adults .

I'm a stepmum myself actually.

When i moved in with my now dh, of course i paid for half of the rent, bills and food shop, which are the only things mentioned in the op. I didn't insist on paying for 1/3 on the basis that he had a child because it's not as if the child can't pay for themselves.

If i wasnt happy paying half, i was free to not move in.

Presumably op knew the house would need to be at least 2 bed and therefore cost more before they moved in.

Pooling all money into a single joint account doesn't make you a real family.

You've misunderstood, I said the opposite, i.e. that if you are a real family, you pool finances.

Obviously more complex arrangements are possible, such as making proportional contributions to a family joint account, but the principle is that if you become part of the family, you take on financial responsibilities for the children.

Otherwise you are just a lodger who has sex with the parent, but not a proper step-parent - it shows lack of maturity and lack of commitment (and lack of good judgement on the part of the children's parent).

It would depend on a lot of factors, such as ages of the children and the extent of involvement by the absent/other parent.

For big stuff like which school the children should attend, or medical decisions, probably not.
For day-to-day stuff like what out-of-school clubs the family can afford for the children attend, or whether a 10 year old can have a smartphone, or whether the 17 year old can have their boyfriend/girlfriend stay overnight in their room, then yes I would expect an equal say in parenting decisions.

No, it’s not fair. You need to work out how much you each earn (I bet it’s not the same), taking into account any benefits and maintenance, and then split your contributions to the joint pot in such a way that the one with children is contributing to cover their dc.

See this is interesting, I posted on here recently as considering moving my DP in with me and my dcs. I questioned what would happen to my UC as obviously it's not DP's responsibility to contribute to my children and was told 'of course he'd have to, if he wants to be part of your family'. Obviously the taxpayer shouldn't have to supplement a double income household. I don't feel he should pay half when my 2 dcs live here but neither does it sit right that he pays me a third and puts a couple grand into his savings every month whilst I'm struggling to make ends meet. Luckily he sees us as a team. The opinions on this thread very much contradict the ones I got on mine.

It depends.

are you short of money? Struggling etc? Is your half before or after child support is deducted?

Presumably longer term you would benefit from those savings?

I went halves with my ex but only had his kids EOW and in holidays. I didn’t increase the cost during these times. If his kids lived full time might have been a different conversation but likely I’d have only asked him to cover the extra food costs.

in fairness them being here didn’t cost anymore in the sense heating was already on, couple extra baths a month isn’t going to make that much difference.

I guess you need to be prepared that if you say you want a re assessment of household funds you could well be told to leave and see if that works out cheaper which I doubt it would.

I don’t think you should pay for clothes and extra curricular activities tho.

Of course children alter water, gas etc.

Also CMS may fall short. But that's not on OP.

So many things to consider.

Who does the house belong to? (Mortgage or rented?)
When you say ‘bills’ what do you mean?
How old are the children?
Who pays for clubs, clothes, subscriptions, prescriptions, days out etc?

If the children are young and your partner pays for all child related expenses then the only extra is a little extra food. It wouldn’t be a hill to die on if I wasn’t struggling.

If you are living with partner and an 18 and 19yo, then my answer maybe different.

So as a real member of the family OP has a fair and equal say in education, medical and discipline?

It’s not fair, but your partner must spend money on kids clothes, toys etc so I imagine you’re paying less/same overall. If you don’t want to share your money you can break up but you’ll probably spend more living alone. It’s the choice you make when you raise someone else’s kids I’m afraid. If you do all the housework and babysitting etc then I’d think about having a word about it, but otherwise not.

If claiming UC it needs to be a joint claim. It's then up to the couple to decide how they choose to fund things but if the UC amount leaves the mum too short of income to manage her bills and the kids then the man will have to contribute. It would be fraudulent to live together and not be a joint claim.

I shouldn’t have bothered typing and just quoted this! Yup. Agreed.

This. I would contribute in proportion to living expenses but not to the extra children. That's for him and his ex to sort out

Who pays for kids clothes, school trips, toys, days out, dentist etc etc etc....

No, you shouldn't. Actual house bills like mortgage/rent and bills, maybe. But definitely not food, etc. Although your partner should offer to cough up more anyway for all bills. MN is funny though - if you're a step-parent you should back off, but not when it comes to money.....

I think it’s rare someone would want to support a SAHM to someone else’s kids.

Do you get child support?

If you think about it paying half the 'rent and bills isn't too much for family unity.
I think you can then say all other child expenses have to be paid from the extra your partner gets...
So if you want to go on holiday you can now say that they pay say 2/3rd as they get extra for it.
Sometimes it pays to be ok with compromises.

After all your paying less than if you.live alone.