Splitting bills with kids that aren’t mine

[Clueless96]

I feel terrible even asking but I can’t help but struggle with this topic. So I live with my partner and their 2 children. We earn the same amount from jobs but they get extra from government and also child maintenance, I pay exactly half of everything, rent, bills and also the food shop. Is this fair?

You could always live alone?

Any "money from the government" is usually reduced because a second adult moved in

No I wouldn't be happy contributing to someone else's children.

Did they lose any benefits by you living together as that needs to be included in the equation and some consideration for who earns what rather than just a they pay for themselves and their children. Should have been discussed before moving in but definitely must be a conversation now before too much resentment grows. Do you see yourself as a blended family or see the kids as unwanted lodgers or somewhere between?

What extra do they get from the government? Do you mean child benefit because if UC it would have to be a joint claim from you both? If UC it’s possible they’ve lost money by you moving in. What’s the overall split in income? How was it discussed before you moved in?

Aw you sound so much in love.

Presumably nobody forced you to move in with these children.

No, I don't think the bills should be split evenly in this case - although how much would you save if you insisted on calculating the cost of rent/electricity/food for 2 children? Is it worth making it an issue?

you are going to get scant sympathy on here because everyone will presume you are a man who moved into the family home of a mother and her children.

Who pays for the children's clothes, shoes, school trips, extra curricular activities, swimming lessons, presents for their children's birthday parties, things they need for school?

Given that you are now a de facto step-parent to these children, how about behaving like a real family and pooling all finances?
If you are not ready to pool all finances, i.e. all income from both of you going into a joint account, you should not have moved in together.

My dp does not pay for my dc, I do. I own the house, so he contributes to bills and food but certainly not 50 / 50 and I would never expect him to. Dc 's father Is dead and dp has been in dc' s life for most of it but I pay for my dc. One thing that did stand out in your situation is that your dp gets some benefits so maybe they need the money and if so you both really should have spoken about it before living together

No, that's not fair at all, particularly if they are getting extra money for the children.

You've seen what this person thinks is fair - if you don't agree, that's enough to end the relationship.

they get extra from government

No, it's from the tax payer.

I don't know. I think she would have lost money by you moving in. Things like the 25% single person discount on council tax. She would also lose benefits because your income will be counted as her household income for benefits calculation. Presumably, as an adult you eat more that children. I think 50:50 is fine as long as she's paying for the kids expenses like clothes , clubs, activities. If you want it to be 100% fair then I think 1/3 rent and utilities is fair but I'd expect you to give her every penny she lost by you moving in in addition to that. Plus 50:50 on food. Do you cook, clean, do all your own household stuff because if your counting your pennies they might want to rethink on how use their time. After all time os money.

No, it should either be split proportionately according to TOTAL income (including benefits and maintenance)

or
Fully pooled and then equal spending money

or
keep all our own income out of which she pays 2/3 of all bills you pay 1/3 ( She pays for 1 adult + 2 half people for the children), she pays all child related expenses)

Basically she can't expect you to pay half when she's not putting all of her income into the pot. So either all in/all split (by whichever method you agree) or keep your own money, pay your own proportion of the expenses.

Why did you not have this conversation before moving in? How long has this set up been in place? Did your partner have a reduction in top up benefits due to you moving in?

I wonder how many of those saying no would expect a new guy to look after/spend on their kids.

I think you should pay a third of bills, etc. and dp buys all clothes, club subscriptions etc for children.

You don’t mention the age of the kids but my teen eats more than me so it would be massively unfair to ask a partner to subsidise that.

Do you have to live in a 3 bed near their school which costs more ? Yanbu to feel annoyed about paying extra there too.

Are you sure she’s getting that much extra government money? Moving in with you will have drastically decreased her entitlement.

Dh and I are married (obviously), I have 2DC that he's the stepparent of and I'm expecting our first (and only) child together. DH and I pool everything and it all gets paid from that. Currently I am a SAHM and will be for a few years for this DC, so I guess technically DH pays for everything if you view it that way, although we see it as our family money. That was the deal when we decided to be a family. If you're in a serious relationship and plan on it being long term, I think that you have to accept this as part of it and fwiw, DH offered far before I had to bring it up and has honestly never once moaned or denied them something from stinginess or meanness. If you pick these people as your family then that's your choice but be prepared for the finances that come with it.

Rent and bills - yes you should pay half. The presence of children in the household does not alter rent, rates, water, gas etc. - e.g. the house would have to be heated to the same degree if the children weren't there.

Does your presence mean your partner lost the Single Person Discount, 25% off their Council Tax? Are you taking that effect on their finances into account?

Child Maintenance does not meet the costs of the child, not by a long chalk. They eat, they grow out of clothes/shoes/school uniform at an alarming rate, they have hobbies and friends and attend birthday parties. Rest assured the CM from the non-resident parent will fall well short of all of the costs involved in their lives. Similarly, "extra from government" - what are we actually talking about? Benefit names and amounts, please!

You have not given near enough details to know if you are being milked or if you are a resentful cocklodger who feels they should be being subsidised just for the pleasure of their company (or somewhere in-between). Paying half on the bills - yes, even the food shop - is to be expected. Paying half of the children's private school fees, not so much.

So which is it? What do you feel you should not be paying for?

I don’t think you should be subsidizing someone else’s children.

at the same time, if the parent is getting government payments, your presence has likely changed the calculations. The parent of children should not be worse off because of your presence in the household. Equally you shouldn’t be contributing so little to running the household compared to your precious costs that you are essentially making money in this situation.

fair would be sitting down and looking at the parents situation before and after you moved in. You situation before you moved in. Then deciding on a reasonable split so that if there are total financial gains from cohabitation, you both feel them. If there are total losses, well a parent can’t afford that and you need to move out.

Utter crap. No one should feel obliged to pay for kids that aren't theirs, and guilt tripping the OP about this is a shitty thing to do.

You're talking out your derriere. Pooling all money into a single joint account doesn't make you a real family. Never heard such tosh in my life. You can each have your personal account and have a contributory joint account for bills and household costs. Everyone deserves financial independence.

Here we go...bashing on step parents commences for completely reasonable concerns raised. 'You knew what you were getting yourself into' so of course you should be paying half of their upbringing 🙄

Do you also think as a de facto step parent he would also have equal say in all parenting decisions? Or just equal in financial responsibility?

If you're asking I think it implies you don't find it fair. I guess it depends on how you view the children. Obviously not how much you care about them but just how much of an active parent you are/want to be to them.
You should have a chat with your partner in a calm and chilled and honest way, when the kids are out of the way, and talk through the finances.
It's perfectly reasonable for you to decline paying for the children, as they are ultimately his and their mum's responsibility.