I wish I could have a luxury of not sending my baby to nursery until he is 3yo…

[Amazingsuzy]

Hello,
I just had my second baby. I am already dreading having to send him to nursery when he turns one, I remember how heartbreaking it was with my first one. They dont need “socialisation” at one, they need their mummy. No nanny at the nursery cares enough…
My husband earns enough and probably more then many husbands of wifes who have a luxury of staying at home for the first couple of years with their babies. But he is worried we wont be able to pay our mortgage if i resign. I think we would have managed but he is stubborn and just doesnt see me being a stay at home mum for an extra year as an option.
Has anyone had the same issue and how did you cope, what did you do in the end or maybe how have you convinced your husbands to let you stay with the baby longer?

It wasn't about being poor. It was about surviving. Our mortgage sky rocketed after interest rates went up. I can deal with poor - I grew up poor - that's not what it was. It was lack of coice. I didn't have a choice - I am the main earner in our household too.

It goes by fast I mean as in the time before they settle and it gets easier. I don't mean I'm wishing my child's life away at all.

We got Fridays together so that was always super special. Some don't have that luxury though so I consider myself lucky.

It’s really not helpful to go on about how sad it is that children have to go to childcare. I stayed at home until my youngest went to school, this is in the 80s.We were very hard up, I had no car and both of us did an evening job to make ends meet. Few people went back to work as there were few childcare options for ‘ordinary’ women.

My gc however went to nursery from 12 months for three days a week. Grandmas on both sides did other days. They were incredibly happy there, adore their parents and are well adjusted and lovely children.

Don’t make women feel guilty, life is expensive now and paying the bills is far harder than it used to be. There’s also the issue of well educated women needing a bit of mental stimulation and being out of their careers for too long. How many times do we read on MN women who haven’t really had a career or have been out for several years suddenly finding their devoted DH or DP has baled.

I’m another one thinking part time could be a good compromise. I also chose a childminder (initially very part time) as I wanted DD to really form a bond in a home environment which is absolutely what happened - we all adored the childminder and DD was very loved and at home there. We still meet up sometimes though DD is in school - it was just the right mix of some socialisation (other children there and they did lots of groups) but also family feel and lots of tlc.

I read some research that said children did better with either childminders or family care rather than nursery under 3, I can’t find it now and I’m not sure how valid it even was but at the time it stuck in my head and influenced my decision - that and just knowing my DD and what would suit her best.

If your DH is a high enough earner that you could technically afford not to go back to work, then you could perhaps afford a nanny? Even more personalised care and in your own home.

I know it doesn’t help that real pull that YOU want to be with them though.

The concept of a stay at home mum of mum and child never being apart is a recent one throughout history. There's a school of thinking of "alloparenting" that in hunter gather communities, childcare is shared between individuals, sometimes up for 40-50% of the time and in fact was essential to our survival.

Other studies have shown that in some communities in the Congo, an infant can have up to 14 "alloparents" a day.

Women have worked since the dawn of time. I can't stand this emotional guilt that is placed upon mums that choose to do so.

My dds both went to nursery aged 2.5 and both of them settled quickly with no tears, so it's not a given that it is a nightmare to settle them into nursery aged 2-3. I was fortunate to be able to be a sahm and I appreciate it's a luxury (though I did bring money in through other income as well so I wasn't economically inactive as such, and I retained financial independence).

Financially we didn't need to send them at that age for childcare but I felt that they benefited by then as they were sociable, toilet trained and had independence skills, so I didn't feel the need to wait until they were 3.

I think if I couldn't afford to be a sahm for that long, I would drop to pt hours as a compromise.

Or you could look at it as if you’re that poor why bring a child into a family that struggles to afford basics?

not saying I think that way, but everyone makes sacrifices. I personally would not have had a child if I could not afford to do it without dh- my own dad dropped dead when I was in primary and I learned the hard way.

fwiw I am fucking glad I kept my job. Dh got made redundant and we survived on my wage until he found another. The worry of one of us falling sick or being unable to work is lessened- my colleagues husband had a car accident and wasn’t working for 2 years. They had her pt salary to keep them going but it was very tough for her. I had a year off when I burned out (nhs) and needed the mental break/career change. Again we were ok.

now I’m nearing retirement and looking at my pension and again thinking thank fuck. We don’t get state pension until 67- I want to be retired by 60 so I have some time to travel and enjoy myself. And money of course.

my kids have been able to make many choices they wouldn’t be able to if I didn’t have an income. Sports, music, uni, all an option for them. My eldest has a scholarship in the US which she wouldn’t have been able to take up if I couldn’t afford flights and some other incidentals.

best of all my DD’s watch me and know they don’t have to stay at home raising babies if they choose not to. They can have exciting careers. Youngest remembers her nursery fondly and still talks about her friends and the stuff they used to do. Middle dd went to a careers evening and was absolutely shocked at how the questions were based around “what does your dad do” and mums were barely mentioned.

in amongst all of this dh has been a very capable dad. He has been sah or pt as well
as full time over the years as his sector is volatile. He’s done as good a job with them as I could have.

I used to live in the 3rd world and some of the projects I worked on did involve maternal health. My point is that we accept things in the first world that disrupt or strain the mother child relationship, and these things would be considered unacceptable in many third world countries. I don’t really understand what you mean about virtue signalling.

YANBU OP. It’s completely understandable you want to be a SAHM, it is your baby you’d like to spend time with after all.

15 years ago I made my expectations very clear at 23 to my then 24 year old boyfriend that I wanted to get married, start a family as soon as possible, and that I would be resigning from my job as soon as I was pregnant with our first child. He was always completely on board with that, and at 32 that’s what happened and that’s what I’ve been very happily spending my time focusing on for the past 7 years. My DH is a FT class teacher (I’m guessing earns less than your DH), we’ve managed really well financially.

Could you draw up a plan of all of the things you could switch or cut back on to save some outgoings to reassure him? Or even find a different sources of income you can do at home which wouldn’t interfere too much with being a Mum? My Mum (SAHM for 17 years 🥰) used to have foreign language students stay with us, they ate dinner with us each night, lovely addition to our family, we made some amazing friends and it brought in some extra cash whilst not taking our Mum away from us after school.

Above all else, ‘a happy wife is a happy life’, and a wise husband knows that…good luck!

Your husband drops to part time and you both take days at home with dc
Both work part time

Personally I’d go part time. I was devastated to leave my children when I went back to work. However my daughter at 11 benefits from me going back at 1 because I’ve got more flexibility than I did and can afford for her to have gone to activities that she’s shown interest in.

I felt much like this, as did DH, I also wanted to retain my job/personal income etc, which now DC are older and flexibility is useful I’m glad about.

I went PT (DH refused to do that) and found it damaged my career.

We went with a childminder for DC2 and found it much better than the 3 nurseries we had for DC1.

Yes do this if you can. I went back at a year because I enjoy my job, it was fine, dc loved nursery and both my dc had the same key worker who they still see regularly now at 10 and 7. She's got far more of a bond than all the grandparents who live hours away.

you've also got to consider your independence and your ability to provide for the family as they grow. If one salary means things like holidays, paying for extra curricular, music lessons, medical bills (I'm in the UK but had to pay out a lot in private already for dc when the NHS has failed us), support for uni etc will be a struggle then it might be better to stay in work.

Go part time.

Go self employed.

There are more options than just SAHM.

My DC went to nursery part time from 1 years old. They loved it. Thrived. But, they were never there for long full days.

It's just not fair for one person to shoulder all the financial burden if they don't want to do this alone.