I wish I could have a luxury of not sending my baby to nursery until he is 3yo…

[Amazingsuzy]

Hello,
I just had my second baby. I am already dreading having to send him to nursery when he turns one, I remember how heartbreaking it was with my first one. They dont need “socialisation” at one, they need their mummy. No nanny at the nursery cares enough…
My husband earns enough and probably more then many husbands of wifes who have a luxury of staying at home for the first couple of years with their babies. But he is worried we wont be able to pay our mortgage if i resign. I think we would have managed but he is stubborn and just doesnt see me being a stay at home mum for an extra year as an option.
Has anyone had the same issue and how did you cope, what did you do in the end or maybe how have you convinced your husbands to let you stay with the baby longer?

Agree. It's not fair to make someone the unwilling sole earner.

You say you think you can afford it but have you worked out a budget.

@Muteswan

My husband earns circa 20k and I'm a SAHM.

Then I suspect that the taxpayer funds this via UC. I can't see how you can stay home with this as your only salary. I was in same situation when my first was born as DH had just qualified as a teacher & I just went back to work.

OP part time would probably work for you if your employer is on board.

@converseandjeans no UC here! Just a very cheap mortgage and extremely frugal.

Go PT to keep your foot in the door, so as to speak. Technology and the workplace is changing so quickly these days that it could hold you back after three years. Also it would keep your pension up to date.

I am too.

I had to go back to work after 9 months. It hurt like hell. I cried most days. The financial strain on one parent is tough though. What if his job becomes at risk. What if he's made redundant/has to take a drop in salary for some reason.

It's a lot to hold on one person. Even going back part time would help ease the stress a bit.

It's rough it really is but it goes by very quickly. DS is nearly 3

@Muteswan I'm impressed! We scraped by on approx £30k for a few years & it was hard going.

In fairness we're totally skint 😂but my point was just that it's doable on what looks on paper like very little (obviously depending on personal circumstances!!)

I agree with your DH and some other PPs.

Redundancies are rife these days and costs keep risings. I have many friends who thought they had rock solid job security find themselves redundant recently and the job market is not pretty. I’d be incredibly nervous relying on one salary atm if I was you or DH.

@mindutopia post also resonated with me. Is it that easy to get back into your sector after time off (honestly?). It may well be depending on your profession, but my industry is highly competitive and there are hundreds of applicants per position so I couldn’t dream of turning my back on my current position and expect to find similar waiting for me in a year.

Perhaps your DH is also worried that if you take more time off that you will struggle to get back into work and he’ll have the pressure of being the sole provider long term?

Reliant on several benefits I presume

As above, no benefits. Cheap mortgage, frugal, skint!

If it's only statutory smp she won't have to pay it back.

I actually disagree that it puts too much pressure on dh... it is a lot of pressure but so is cooking a baby and getting through that first year. It's a very personal decision putting them in childcare and I don't think you know what you'll want to do until they're here. Although it depends what mortgage you've taken on etc too.
You could take the pressure off it being a full year and try and extend mat leave and take some unpaid to get to 18 months even. You might feel differently by then anyway.
I don't think I could be sahm as I love having a bit of myself back. I work 4 days and it's great, I'd love to go down another half day but like someone else said the job market is rough atm and redundancies everywhere so it's a bit worrying

I’m sad how normalised it’s become to separate mothers from their children in our society. Our instincts to nurture and parent are being seen as a hindrance which should be overcome. If we read about Afghani women being forced to separate from their crying infants each day to go work 8 hours in a factory we’d be up in arms over the inhumanity.

@happyinarcon because we live in a world created and run by men. Women have to adapt to thrive in it, that's all fine until you have a baby where the primal instincts and hormones haven't changed, so we're just permanently guilty!

I'd love a world where 4 day working week is normalised (beginning to happen in lots of companies apparently) and dropping a day meant working 3 days. So much better for mothers and children.
Men also need to step up with the cutting a day to help with childcare

I think it's risky even if you can afford the mortgage. He could be made redundant or you could split up. They may be unlikely scenarios but it's still possible.

Have a really good look at the finances.
I actually had to become a SAHM because we couldn't afford for me to keep working. My husband is a high earner and I was not far over minimum wage (with additional commission). We ended up losing money from me being at work due to all the viruses our first daughter picked up at nursery. Constant unpaid leave meant we were paying more for nursery than I was able to earn.
With our second daughter we're not even thinking about nursery. I'll return to work when she's in school.

This should have been discussed prior to having kids, surely?

Your DH may not want to be the sole earner and may want to stay at home himself?

And the pp whose husband earns £20K - is it just hus wage supporting you or is the tax payer also contributing? If they are then your situation
Is different as OP probably won't get any help financially.

You do know in some third world countries women often have to take their very young babies to work with them and work while heavily pregnant. So they are looking after the babies or pregnant and working physical jobs at the same time. I hope you are ‘up in arms’ about this inhumanity and spend all your spare time campaigning for maternal rights in the third world. No? Just wanted to use this random example to virtue signal?

I find this so sad. When my DS was born, we decided it was better to be poor than for me to 'cry most days'. We were not on benefits, we just went without a lot of stuff. Also, 'it goes by quickly' - you're wishing those precious first years away. I don't know what the answer is, but it's so sad that a lot of people feel like this.

The decision to have one parent to give up work should be joint one.
He's entitled to not want to be the sole earner.

I would agree with this. I would add that frequently we have to take a long term view rather than immediate wants.

I think it would be better for my children if I was a SAHM - now, while they are very young. But have to weigh this up against the benefits of me working albeit part time in the long term.

I felt the same, but had to go back to work 6 weeks pp as I had no mat leave etc. Changed my job so I worked 3:30pm - 11.30pm and DH worked 6am-3pm. It was hard but very much what we wanted. It is possible but very hard work and not for everyone.

Yes I agree it’s a great thing to do if you can. But I think it’s smoother if you can commit to 3.5-4.

2-3 they have too many opinions and such big emotions bless them.

My boy is settled at nursery (since 12 months) and has friends, loves it. But I joined a gym when he was 2 which has a really great childcare crèche and absolutely no chance I would get him to go in there for an hour.

He would scream Bloody Mary 😂

I am just about to have another and won’t make that mistake again! Will be sending her for an hour or so a week from about 9 months I think.