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Parenting

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Original poster

I wish I could have a luxury of not sending my baby to nursery until he is 3yo…

64 replies

Amazingsuzy · 15/02/2025 17:59

Hello,
I just had my second baby. I am already dreading having to send him to nursery when he turns one, I remember how heartbreaking it was with my first one. They dont need “socialisation” at one, they need their mummy. No nanny at the nursery cares enough…
My husband earns enough and probably more then many husbands of wifes who have a luxury of staying at home for the first couple of years with their babies. But he is worried we wont be able to pay our mortgage if i resign. I think we would have managed but he is stubborn and just doesnt see me being a stay at home mum for an extra year as an option.
Has anyone had the same issue and how did you cope, what did you do in the end or maybe how have you convinced your husbands to let you stay with the baby longer?

OP posts:

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bluey07 · 15/02/2025 18:26

I'm with your husband, it's a lot of pressure for one person to work and have all the financial worries.

Seeline · 15/02/2025 18:32

Could you go back part time?

Thornybush · 15/02/2025 18:36

I think your dh should at least consider the option of you staying at home. A year isn't that long. I agree that there is no advantage for infants in being at nursery. From 2 onwards yes. Maybe you could find a part- time job so that baby isn't in full time nursery care? Or could you work part time around your dh so that you wouldn't be spending on childcare?

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Muteswan · 15/02/2025 18:37

My husband earns circa 20k and I'm a SAHM. It doesn't need a lot of money, but it does need your DH to be totally on board. If you want to show him it's feasible, can you work out all the costs to show him how much you'd have left at the end of the month on his income? Depending on your salary and the cost of childcare, it might not be such a huge drop in your finances.

stargirl1701 · 15/02/2025 18:38

I chose a childminder for my DC do they could develop attachment with one person in a home environment.

Nursery was at 3 years.

fashionqueen0123 · 15/02/2025 18:39

My husband trusts that I made the right decision. Neither of us wanted our child in a nursery either. Presumably you’ll have childcare costs for the nursery - is going back worth it? An extra year isn’t that long especially if you have some savings or won’t be earning much more by the time you’ve paid the nursery. Have you calculated it?

Overthebow · 15/02/2025 18:41

I agree with him, if he’s not happy to have all the responsibility of earning money then you need to go back to work, it’s not fair otherwise and will lead to resentment.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/02/2025 18:41

Depends on the answers to things like:-

What do you/your DH earn and what your mortgage/outgoings are?

What will childcare costs be?

Do you enjoy your job? Would it be easy to get back into if you resigned?

I can see why he might feel worried being the sole earner.

Greys4Days · 15/02/2025 18:42

Seeline · 15/02/2025 18:32

Could you go back part time?

I think this is the answer if you can afford it, it's the best of both worlds.

Savemefromwetdog · 15/02/2025 18:42

If he doesn’t want all the earning responsibility to be on him, then that’s it.

PT sounds like a good compromise.

PinkDaffodil2 · 15/02/2025 18:48

That’s potentially a lot of pressure to put on your DH. Have you looked over the numbers properly - including childcare costs after TFCC etc? Maybe suggest a compromise and stay home until Sept 2025 when the 30 hours free funding kicks in?
It depends on so many factors such as will it be easy for you to re-enter the work force, are you wanting to have another child, how secure is his job etc. Are you in a sector where part time is an option, is he?
I’m going back 4 days / week as my take home pay wouldn’t cover the extra day in nursery - appreciate that’s not an option in all jobs.

Toddlerhelpplease123 · 15/02/2025 18:48

Personally I think that sounds like a nightmare. Way easier to get them to settle to childcare settings when younger. 2/3 is a nightmare age for that!

OnARainyDay2012 · 15/02/2025 19:08

Could you and your husband both go part time? We did this and it was great. We each worked 4 days a week, DD was at a childminder the other 3 days. We both kept the foot in the door of our jobs and crucially for me, my DH learned to care for DD and we split the housework. I personally would never quit work to be at SAHM after my dad walked out on my mum when we were kids and left us with nothing. I will never be financially dependent on anyone else.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 15/02/2025 19:18

Being part time is the obvious compromise 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't want to work full time with a young baby, I don't think that's good for you or your baby.

I worked 3 days a week until dd was 8yo and even now she's 19 work 35 hours a week.

user3827 · 15/02/2025 19:19

You don't need to resign, your DH goes part time while you do 2 days. Keeps your career/future job prospects, baby is happy with daddy.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2025 19:22

We knew could comfortably afford our bills because we practiced living on one salary for the year before we had dc. We also both preferred having a parent at home until she was 3.

It is a lot of pressure on the sole breadwinner. I managed to take some of that off DH by consulting. I didn’t bring in that much money because we wanted to keep my hours minimal, but I kept my business contacts up which made it very easy for me to step back into the workforce.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/02/2025 19:26

Ideally you'd have this conversation and solution agreed before hand, especially with a second baby.
Would he agree to part time work for yourself until baby number two starts school?
I really think the ideal for the early years is both parents part time so both parents can equally take care of the baby/child but obviously not everyone wants to or can due to finances.

Reddog1 · 15/02/2025 19:30

Could you both go part time and do the childcare between you? Less financial pressure solely on him then, but the equivalent of a full time salary coming into the household .

Jk987 · 15/02/2025 20:00

If you quit now, you won't get maternity pay. If you quit after baby is born you'd have to pay it back!

Hold fire for now. Ideally return to work for at least 3 months before quitting (check your policy). Or better still, change your hours.

user593 · 15/02/2025 20:15

You seem to think you can afford to not return to work, and your DH disagrees. I think you need to sit down and crunch the numbers and see which one of you are being realistic. Also what kind of safety net you have if something goes wrong with DH or DH’s job, as there’s always a risk being dependent on one income that something unexpected might happen to that income.

Bumble6 · 15/02/2025 20:28

I agree with others that you need to sit down and work out together if it is definitely affordable or not for you. If it's unaffordable its not really a choice, if you can pay your mortgage etc but means things will be a bit tight for a while it's doable.
I was lucky that I could go part time and had family nearby to help but we had no spare money at all for two years. We made the joint decision that we were happier to sacrifice that spare money to have our child stay with us or family when they were little as it's time we'd never get back.

AmyW9 · 15/02/2025 20:49

I really disagree about nursery being of little use prior to age two. Our DD has been attending from age one, and it's helped her settle in quickly, develop social skills, and exposed her to far more variety of activities than I could ever offer.

Appreciate that largely depends on the nursery, but don't dismiss the benefits of a good nursery. If you really feel you've the potential to be comfortable on one salary, then on two you can absolutely afford to choose one of the better ones.

MatchaTea1 · 15/02/2025 20:57

Will your job allow you to take a years unpaid sabbatical after your maternity leave? That could be a good compromise, your husband will have the security of knowing you have a job to go back to and he will only need to be the sole breadwinner for a year.

mindutopia · 15/02/2025 21:06

Have a look for vacancies in your field at your level currently being advertised.

It’s not just working right now. It’s being able to get work later when you want it. I’ve had to leave work due to cancer. The world has changed a lot in recent years. Jobs that once existed no longer do.

When I used to search to see what other roles I could find in my field, it would be normal to have 20-30 vacancies in my area. Now I’m lucky if I get 5, sometimes it’s 0. It’s not unusual for some of these to be internships or roles completely inappropriate for someone with my experience. You either keep your going the door during tough times like these or you fall out through the floor.

I have 20 years experience and a PhD and unless something changes, I probably won’t find work again in my field when my treatment is finished. I’ve already looked into retraining but our mortgage is due for renewal in 2 years and it’s a dodgy time to be highly skilled and employable without jobs to even apply for.

Also if you do it, have a plan for what happens if your dh suddenly cannot work. I never in a million years at my age imagined being so unwell I couldn’t work. But I went from fine and healthy to cancer surgery and off work in the course of 5 weeks. I’ve had 3 surgeries, several hospital stays, and have never returned to work. Would you have savings or insurance to cover your dh’s earnings? Would you quickly be able to start earning to cover what he makes (and pay for childcare because he won’t be well enough to look after dc full time)?

RedOrangeSky · 16/02/2025 09:32

I think you are right op - it is best for a baby to be at home with family and not in a nursery. Although sadly not always financially possible.

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