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Original poster

Boundaries with ex wife

43 replies

Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 17:47

OK here goes. I'm engaged to my partner we are due to get married soon he has two children with his ex wife aged 12 and 9. He has moved 10 miles away from his ex to create a life for himself before i met him 2 years ago. I share the home with my partner and his 2 children whome he has 50% of the time. The children are so happy there seems to be a good routine and good boundaries in terms of drop offs pick ups ect. I talk to the ex wife we get on about the children I am devoted to them my children are adults and live in my other property I'm in regular contact with them and we all have a great relationship. So my partners daughter has a really lovely set of friends at our home. (My partner worked hard to find a nice area so the children felt safe to play out and make friends) my step daughter sees her best friend regular when she's at our home they play together alot her friend mum is a single mum. Anyway my partner and I went on holiday and while we were away my step daughter made arrangements to have a sleepover at her friends house (the friend that lives near us) the ex dropped her off at her friends house and she stayed there for the weekend since the ex has dropped our step daughter off at the friends house on the nights at the weekend she's not with us. I'm absolutely fuming. I feel like this is an issue for me. I appreciate the children being friends but am I right to be angry? I feel like the ex wife is just taking the piss.

OP posts:
KaleQueen · 15/02/2025 17:50

So your partners daughter is staying at this friends house every other weekend when she’s not with you? How near is it? What does her dad think?

TheFormidableMrsC · 15/02/2025 17:53

Sorry, if I understand this correctly, YABVU. The girls are friends, the mum dropped your SD off for a weekend sleepover and you've got an issue with that? Because the friend lives near you? Why?

Minnie798 · 15/02/2025 17:54

Im not seeing the problem.

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TheBossOfMe · 15/02/2025 17:54

Why is this even an issue? She’s just facilitating her daughter’s friendship.

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 17:54

She's a few doors down the road. Her dad thinks it's an issue. She is supposed to be in her mother's care and he feels it's to much time for his child to spend with her friend.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 15/02/2025 17:57

So your partner thinks it wrong 🙄Nothing wrong with what his ex is doing.

Redcliffe1 · 15/02/2025 17:57

But it's up to her mum. It doesn't really matter what your husband thinks unless he his daughter is not wanting to stay at her friends house.

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 17:57

The ex wife has a new partner living at hers his mum moved in and his 18 year old daughter and the 18 year old shares my step daughters bedroom. I feel like she's palming her off. We didn't let her have sleepovers she has stayed over 5 times in 3 weeks

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:00

Yes I understand that and that's a good thing in a way.

OP posts:
Completelyjo · 15/02/2025 18:02

I don’t understand? One time you went on holiday and your partners child had a sleepover with her friend??

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:03

Yes what her mum chooses to do with her daughter in her time is up to her I respect that of course.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:04

We went on holiday for 10 days and during that time his child spent 4 days at her friends (,both weekends) all weekend and then last night she's at the friends again sleeping over. We had no knowledge of it until we seen his child on the street.

OP posts:
bluey07 · 15/02/2025 18:05

This is absolutely ridiculous. She wanted to spend time with her friend and her mum dropped her off? It's up to her mum if she can have sleepovers and that's something young girls love to do!

bluey07 · 15/02/2025 18:06

Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:04

We went on holiday for 10 days and during that time his child spent 4 days at her friends (,both weekends) all weekend and then last night she's at the friends again sleeping over. We had no knowledge of it until we seen his child on the street.

But why should you know? Do you tell her mum everything she does when she's with you?

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/02/2025 18:08

🤔got to be a wind up

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:08

The issue is my partner moved away to keep the distance now ex wife is in regular contact with daughters friends mum on our street SD is playing on the front we was unaware of her even coming in the area. I suppose it feels a bit uncomfortable for me and I'm not sure why I'm angry about it.

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 15/02/2025 18:10

You were away, so what's the problem?

stayathomer · 15/02/2025 18:13

Is it that she’s there so often or that she’s supposed to be with you? It does seem like a lot of time to spend at a friends house (only if overnight)

Starlightstarbright4 · 15/02/2025 18:16

So you can decide to have a sleepover at friends on your time but not on hers ??

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:17

I know i understand iv got an older daughter she had sleepovers when little. She was dropped off at her friends last night at 8pm I thought that seemed a bit late for a sleepover.

OP posts:
Davidson89 · 15/02/2025 18:19

We have the same issue with my SS. His mum offloads him every time it’s her weekend to have him. She’ll send him for sleepovers, her parents or sister will take him, she’ll ask us to have him extra. Literally so she doesn’t have to do any parenting

Sassybooklover · 15/02/2025 18:20

You can't stop your step-daughter seeing her friend, that happens to live to near you, whilst she's seeing her Mum. It sounds as if, due possibly to the distance', that you all assumed your step-daughter would only see this friend whilst staying with you? It never entered anyone's head, that your step-daughter may want to see this friend outside of spending time at 'Dad's house'? This obviously isn't the case. As for the amount of time your step-daughter is spending at her friend's house, when she's supposed to be at Mum's, that is really nothing to do with you or your husband. It's on his ex partner's watch, not your husband's. If your husband complains to his ex, about it, he's going to sound crazy! His ex hasn't done anything wrong. You can't dictate what other people do, unless it's putting his daughter in danger, which it clearly isn't. If the friend's Mum starts thinking your step-daughter is staying over too much, then it's down to her to set boundaries with your husband's ex.

FindusMakesPancakes · 15/02/2025 18:21

Another one who is not seeing the issue here. The mum is dropping her daughter with her daughter's friend. Are you saying the daughter should only be allowed to see this friend on her dad's weekends, on his terms? On the face of it, this makes you and the dad seem really controlling.

Original poster
Tokindallthetime · 15/02/2025 18:21

We were away and SD had asked for a sleepover we said we would talk about it when we got back from the holiday. We wasn't sure if we wanted her to have sleep over yet we haven't let her sleep at all friends house yet. When we got back she had stayed at friends house 4 night and her mum had never met the girls mother before or even asked us about her. (What she's like if we know her or trust her) i think that's what bothers me more i think it seemed excessive considering she doesn't know the woman.

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 15/02/2025 18:22

One of the hardest things for children whose parents are no longer together is when one parents doesn’t enable “continuity”. Eg not taking a child to a hobby/sport activity on their weekends, not enabling them going to play dates or parties in their time. DD’s mother isn’t encroaching on your territory - she’s just being a mother who is trying to facilitate a friendship that is obviously important to your DD regardless of which parent she’s with at the time.

Its good parenting, OP, and you and your DH should be happy for your DD’s sake.

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