Boundaries with ex wife

[Tokindallthetime]

OK here goes. I'm engaged to my partner we are due to get married soon he has two children with his ex wife aged 12 and 9. He has moved 10 miles away from his ex to create a life for himself before i met him 2 years ago. I share the home with my partner and his 2 children whome he has 50% of the time. The children are so happy there seems to be a good routine and good boundaries in terms of drop offs pick ups ect. I talk to the ex wife we get on about the children I am devoted to them my children are adults and live in my other property I'm in regular contact with them and we all have a great relationship. So my partners daughter has a really lovely set of friends at our home. (My partner worked hard to find a nice area so the children felt safe to play out and make friends) my step daughter sees her best friend regular when she's at our home they play together alot her friend mum is a single mum. Anyway my partner and I went on holiday and while we were away my step daughter made arrangements to have a sleepover at her friends house (the friend that lives near us) the ex dropped her off at her friends house and she stayed there for the weekend since the ex has dropped our step daughter off at the friends house on the nights at the weekend she's not with us. I'm absolutely fuming. I feel like this is an issue for me. I appreciate the children being friends but am I right to be angry? I feel like the ex wife is just taking the piss.

Thank you for this reply it has made me see it from another point of view.

You dont let her have sleepovers? You dont want ter having sleepovers with her best friend because you dont want the ex wife driving onto your street? And you went on holiday for ten days and didnt take her?

why did your partner not take his daughter on holiday?

You can’t choose who the ex is friends with though. Weird to get so worked up about this.
First the issue was the mum letting her have a sleepover now you just point blank have an issue wither her being friends with someone in your street? Not really your business.

We do holiday with the children they live with us 50% of the time last year we took them away 4 times we couldn't take them out of school this time but have 3 holidays booked this year.

And you don’t get to decide whether she can have sleepovers when she’s with her mother. That’s for the mother to decide. If you don’t allow them when she’s with you, that’s up to you.

Also no sleepovers at this age is unusual if the child is comfortable with sleeping over.

i think that's what bothers me more i
hmm. This is telling. It is not about what her mother or father thinks. It is what you, dad’s girlfriend thinks. Not sure I’d give a rats ass tbh.

A minute ago the problem was the ex wife being in regular contact with someone who lived near you now she doesn’t know her at all and had never met her? Which is it?

I mean, mum decided that she was happy for dd to have sleepovers on her time. Which is her prerogative. She will also be aware that dd spends time at this friends house when she is with her dad. Presumably she trusts dad’s judgement on that.
Any issues are for mum and dad to discuss. I hope you aren’t over involving yourself.

We wasn't sure if we wanted her to have sleep over yet we haven't let her sleep at all friends house yet.

If your partner chooses to give you a say in these issues when the kids are with you that's up to him. Why do you think you have any say in the choices their mother makes when they are in her care?

Their Dad doesn't even have any say unless they are being harmed, let alone his girlfriend 🫤.

I understand why you might have the ick about ex being in your neighbourhood, the boundary that your h wants is unfair on SD. You and your h are basically saying that you’d rather ex did not speak to new friend or sd see her when it’s mum’s time. sd should always have access to her friend

Ex is allowed to disagree with your stance on sleepovers. It does sound excessive but as long as new friend’s family don’t mind then it’s not really your business. Ex isn’t unreasonable that assume that if the family wasn’t trustworthy then your h wouldn’t allow sd yo play with her. When you’re divorced you have to trust the other parent and I assume that ex considers your h’s judgement reasonable. If you don’t like sleepovers then don’t don’t allow them on your h’s weekend but since it’s half term I see why they are organising one.

Just seen that you only met him 2 years ago, and presuming you didn't meet the kids and move in straight away you are a very new person in their lives. So don't start "fuming" and making a fuss about things that aren't your business. You say there is a good routine so don't bring unnecessary drama into the lives of these children, you have no right.

It is you who needs to rethink boundaries - there is an awful lot of we regarding parenting decisions for a child you haven’t know long or the parent for

Kindly, it's really nothing to do with you what her mum lets her do during their time together.

This is badshit behaviour from you. My 11 year old regularly goes and has sleepovers at her friends house, it's normal. You're a new gf what on earth has it got to do with you? What I'm reading is alot of 'We' do you make the decisions inregards to your bfs dd? Your bfs ex wife is not at all answerable to the decisions she makes inregards to her daughter when in her care.

It's really none of your damn business

This is absolutely batshit. She's having a sleepover. Because she's not with her Dad she MUST stay with her mum? Are you the Weekend Plans Police? It's nothing at all to do with either of you. Her Mum is facilitating the friendship. Christ my daughter had so many sleepovers at that age, she was hardly home at the weekend. Honestly, give your head a wobble.

I agree with this. You've been in this child's life for a very short time. It's absolutely nothing to do with you what plans her mother makes at the weekend. You're not a stepmother, you're her dad's girlfriend. Take a step back, you are extremely overbearing.

Sounds like you want her out of sight, out of mind, so you can get on playing happy families with him...