I need serious toilet training help before I go into complete meltdown

[HarrogateMum]

I have posted on the potty training threads before about one of my 3 year old DTs who resolutely refuses to go to the toilet.

I am on about my 6th attempt to toilet train him because he is about to turn 3 and a half and despite what everyone says about not bowing to peer pressure, I am soooo conscious of his age and the fact that many of his peers have been in pants for well over a year.

He has been in pants for 7 days. In that time he has managed 1 wee and poo on the toilet on day 4. Everything else is on the floor in his pants and trousers. I am certain he has the control because at nursery one day he held on until the afternoon before wetting himself.

He screams and kicks me when I try to take him to the toilet but also refuses the potty. He is very articulate and just says "I dont want to be a big boy mummy, give me a nappy". As I have refused to do this for a week, I feel like I cant go back as its admitting defeat again. But if I dont put him back in nappies I feel like I will just be cleaning up forever.

Please dont anyone shoot me down in flames for anything I've said, I am so down about this and dont know what to do. Does anyone have any ideas, or been through this themselves?

Hi Harrogatemum. No advice, just a message of solidarity! I'm on day 2 and it sucks and I hate it and I know exactly how you feel.

Fight the good fight!

have u offered rewards, my ds responded well to star chart and chocolate every time he did a poo on potty,took 2 weeks and is now trained-reckon boys repond well to bribery

dont put him back in nappies, keep going x

Starting today so just message of support which we will probably need in the next few days, keep us informed how you are doing and like the idea of bribery.

HarrogateMum
Started yesterday with DD and nearly lost the plot this morning. So understand your frustration.
Keep going and i am offering jelly babys for all wee's and poo's in the loo... I sang songs with her on the loo till she did her poo (knew it was coming) Sweets and song are doing ok for me at the mo.
Let us know how your getting on..

I wish that it was as easy as giving DT1 rewards. He isnt interested, it makes no difference to him. He just WILL NOT do it for anybody or anything. He screams the house down if you take him near the toilet.

Health visitor says I should put him back in nappies, but he is 3 and a half in a few weeks!!

Was just opening up mumsnet to ask for adsvice re my 2.10 year old DS and our disaster of a week of potty training. But you have asked an almost identical question. He likes pants, in principle, but after a few accidents each day wil ask for a nappy. The accidents happen because he will walk around clutching his crotch, we offer to take him to the loo, he says no, we insist, he does nothing, then pees on the floor. We took him 3 times the other day without any success and it turned into a game, but he wouldn't do anything!

Soooo frustrated - and not at all heartwarmed by your story - but do feel for you HarogateMum! Do we continue or give up and try again at a later date? Nursery are not that happy with the situtation now - he's been there 3 days this week, we've had him in pants since last Saturday (altough chickened out for church). Any words of wisdom you can chuck this way as well?

i am potty training but quite 'gently' with my 2 and a half year old. am keeping nappies on but am using a reward star chart found here which is helping.

Appreciate OP says he doesn't want rewards but thought I's throw it into the mix anyway!

DD was like this - would not bow to any reward/bribe/threat (). She was clearly quite capable of doing it (could hold it, knew when she needed to go) but wouldn't.

I did leave it until she decided to do it and then it was a breeze - she was dry day and night within 12 hours.

Try not to worry about peer pressure.... easy to say...

I'd

typing while bfeeding!

Oh Harrogatemum I do admire your determination. My DS is now 3.2 and not interested either. All the suggestions about bribary, seeing us use the toilet, using the toilet instead of the potty, getting nice pants etc etc haven't made the slightest bit of difference. I am considering having another full on try at half term but don't know if I would last a week without good progress. Anyway not advice really just a bit of solidarity - A friend of mine just potty trained a 2.5 year old in two days - it is so unfair! When I am not panicking and thinking of going cold turkey again - my plan is to wait until DS can wee on the potty as part of the bath time routine or something and is showing some interest however long it takes or maybe to do some naked in the garden with the potty days in the summer. Anyway good luck to you - I hope you turn a corner soon

Maybe the thing about not being a big boy is an issue for him. My DS doesn't want to be a big boy. Don't know how that might help but not stressing the big boy side of things perhaps for a while.

my ds is just about to turn 3 and was very reluctant, but now he does notlike to wee in a nappy. He is also anti change so i used to sit him on the potty while he watched roary and he would relax and wee then. Then i managed to find some roary stickers so he got one when ever he used thepotty. He was not interested in potty training stickers. Also when he had an accident i sat him on the potty whilst i cleaned it up. If your other DT is trained have you tried praise for her/him and showing what happens when they go.

I'm potty training ds1 (3.3) at the mo. He is deeply entertained by the idea of "watering" the bushes in the garden.

I realised that he could do it, just couldn't be bothered. (Umpteenth training attempt this, previously it was obvious he couldn't do it). So I told him, no more nappies. Pull-ups were confusing him I think - he couldn't remember when he had a nappy on or not.

Cue about 12 accidents on Wednesday and nothing in the potty. Thurs am I said we couldn't go to toddler group in case he wet the floor. And he couldn't watch tv in case he wet the sofa. You've never seen a child get so keen to use a potty so quickly.

And its so hot, if he wet himself on the school run I just left him in the wet shorts & shoes till we got home again. That would be Tue, twice on Wed, once on Thursday (and then I discovered the joys of weeing in the bushes).

I know you're not supposed to get cross / leave them in wet clothes etc. But it seems to be working (so far, no accidents today).

was just about to suggest weeing 'al fresco' as a way to break the potty phobia. I think if you are determined to do it you will have to keep plugging away and don't go back to nappies, whatever it takes! money as a bribe? trip to cafe? first bribe may need to be pretty big, then you can scale down! Visit friends who have younger children in pants so it is not such an issue about having to be a big boy ie big boys and little boys can have pants. If he is articulate tell him about it being healthier?

It's very frustrating, I know. I know you're not supposed to get cross with them for doing it, but that worked with ds. Also told him he couldn't do things i.e. his playgroups because 'you're not allowed to wee on the floor'. It worked, though. If there's no consequences why wouldn't he choose to have a nappy, you don't have to stop playing. Just be very matter of fact and say we can't go to ...... because you have to use the toilet there and see what happens. Might mean you have to stay in for a few days (crap in this weather), but it worked with ds. Also got cross (sometimes pretending) when he didn't use the toilet and most of the time it was right next to him, used to follow him round with it. Obviously not ranting and raving, but show him that it's not acceptable anymore. You might have tried all this, but that's what worked for us.

Sorry to go against the flow but he clearly isn't ready so why stress yourself & him about it? Many boys are not reliably trained till later, don't worry that "most of his peers are in pants" they were ready, he isn't, one of the many wonderful differences in children!

Offer the toilet at regular intervals -say when you are going maybe or before meals/going out, use pull-ups & let him be confident enough to go whe he's ready it is still very young!

Pyscho Nursery CAN'T refuse to take them un toilet trained it's against equal opps & just blackmail cos they can't be arsed to go through it!! If anyone is trying to toilet train AND change daycare I'd say leave them in nappies till they're settled in it's too stressful for them coping with both at once.

Chin up it IS a hurdle but please don't stress about it, they are small for such a short time!

I agree with Bossybritches! My DS is now 12 [ no dont panic he is toilet-trained!!!!] When he was 2.5 years I tried to potty-train,and he hadn't got a clue.I tried everything suggested for 6 weeks solid.Just ended up getting so stressed and upset with him,and even started telling him off!!
A good friend suggested he wasn't ready, and MOST boys tend to be slower,(or lazier?)than girls. I then waited some time, tried to forget all about it,but always praising other children,when I could,without being negative to my DS. Eventually he seemed more interested,so I gave it another go,and in 3 days he was dry,and by the end of the week he was clean.Everyone feels the pressure of them starting "playgroup or school", but bear in mind that when they are truly ready,it will only take them a couple of days.Its become a "battle of wills",so you need to put it on the back burner,I think. Keep remembering the long term goal,No child goes to school in Nappies,but infant teachers do say that even the "earliest" trained child has "accidents" occasionally.

Yes they do seem to revert occasionally when they start school, perhaps they're nervous, or just distracted. Not sure how you're supposed to know when they're ready though, I think if I'd waited for ds to make a decision he'd still be in nappies. I just know I was ready and it was a reasonable age, not too early, in fact quite late if I remember he was one of the last in his group of friends. Once he knew I meant business it took about three or four days and then that was it, dry and clean (except at night, still has nappies at nearly 5, don't really mind about that). Do understand his personality though, he's always been averse to change and has to be coerced into doing anything new. It's difficult really to advise, but you will know their personalities and whether they're really distressed about it or just have better things to do and with a bit of a push and sneaky tricks will get a move on. Not always all it's cracked up to be though, then you have the problem of needing the toilet when you're stuck in a huge traffic jam on the M6.

ashamed to say he is back in nappies. I could not stand the stress any more. 8 days of wee and poo all over the place as well as the screaming ab dabs constantly and feeling like I just have no control. I am not mentioning it and he keeps going to wtach his twin use the loo, so who knows in a few weeks maybe he will decide he wants to do it.

Thanks for all your responses - it looks like there is no right answer!

It's not something you should be ashamed of, noone wants to be knee deep in turds and staying in when it's great weather is just pergatory. Try again when it's pissing down with rain and you're stuck in the house.

There is little point in turnin gthisi nto a huge upsetting experience.

My dd was still in nappies at 3, which was an april brithday.

I just 'knew' she wasn't mature enough to 'get it', or be bothered. I waited until the end of the summer, when she was 3 plus 4 months.

I just don't think you will lose anything by stopping this, it's not like you will be undermining any progress. It's just not time.

don't be ashamed, you gave it a go!! It wasn't time. Try in a few months.

before then, you could point out thigns like, 'oh, mummy is just going to the loo' when you go. Esp when you are out in town, and you have him there as an audience!! Then he might get interested. I used to say, things like 'ok, where's the loo roll' and she would get me a tiny bit, and slowly we got there.

He's just scared of it now, and being scared makes you defiant, and so on!!