Introducing 13 year old to new partner

[Darklava09]

Would like some advice or positive stories on how to go about introducing my 13 yr old to my partner.

me and his dad separated well over a year ago. I have been with my partner almost 10 months and was planning on introducing him to my DS soon.

I am a little worried as my son has said a fair few times he doesn’t want me to move on, doesn’t want me to get a boyfriend, said I shouldn’t be putting my own happiness first when I explained to him before that life moves on and mom is entitled to be happy too in the future.

any advice on how to navigate this or positive stories? The plan was a joint activity next month but after him saying I’m putting my own happiness first makes me really hesitant now but equally I too do want a life and to be happy and I think once he got to know my new partner he would really like him.

ahhh

Give me a minute…

The thing is op, teenagers are not known for their enthusiasm for going out and doing things with their own family sometimes, it's too much to expect they'll want to with someone else's. What age are his children? There is a small chance they will get on I suppose as friends, but not if it's quickly forced. Slow down.

he then came to me saying he’s stopped seeing her because it felt like he was cheating on me (despite us being apart for over 10 months).

you said this late Jan

And why were you posting all about your ex seeing other people and how you were thinking about it so much… end of Jan?

Oh, well that’s ok then. FFS, pull yourself together.

IMO there is middle ground here.

A 13 year old is old enough to know that their parents are likely to be dating. That doesn’t mean they have to be introduced to any new partner, but I do think that they should not be led to think that their parent is never seeing anyone else but them.

In terms of introductions, you need to take things at his pace. He doesn’t want to meet the man so he doesn’t have to.

I wouldn’t tolerate comments about how you’re putting your own happiness first in terms of dating. I would make it clear tht you are absolutely allowed to date, but that if he doesn’t want to be introduced at the moment then that’s fine.

Family days out aren’t very likely at this age anyway - he’s 13.

Then why do they need to meet just yet? You say ‘I do too want a life and be happy’ but apparently seeing him as-is isn’t doing that for you?

I was easily able to date my long term partner, very happily, without needing to force a meeting. It happened very slowly. Even now, several years on, he and I have holidays, overnights (not in my home, although the kids wouldn’t be bothered by that now) we see each other 3 to 5 times a week yet I’ve kept my kids out of all that. We’ve done that for years (my decision) and I absolutely feel like I’ve ‘had a life’. All without forcing my kids in to a situation that would add to their emotional baggage when they were going through upheaval and/or feeling sensitive.

You can have a relationship without forcing it on to your son. Let him know that you are continuing to see this person but in no way will you pressure them to meet until your son is ready to do so. You force it now and you will have issues later on.

Teenage boys (in my experience) are very sensitive to what is happening around them and it’s best to go slow. They can feel betrayed by their mum very easily - once that happens you don’t get their trust back.

Hell no, far too soon!! And I say that as someone who met their BF’s 13yr old after 4 months but she found out about us sooner than we’d planned (oops!), he’s been separated from her mum since she was a toddler so doesn’t remember her parents ever being together, and there’s no other children involved. And she’d already met me before we were together so that made it less awkward. In your circumstances it’s just too soon.

Your son clearly wouldn’t want to go out with your bf and his kids so you need to put a pause on that fantasy. If you insist on a meeting that he’s not ready for, he could legally decide to move in with his dad full time and not see you. He will also probably want to ruin any forced introduction so it doesn’t happen again or your bf is put off and stops asking.
If you never plan to move in etc then reassure your son about this so he doesn’t feel threatened by the relationship. Even a teen will be aware of the typical tv/movie timeline of meeting-moving in-maybe more babies and that it’s shit for the kids as the parent they knew changes.

13 must be the worst possible age to introduce a new partner. He's in the grip of adolescence, now KNOWS what this all means and is grossed out by it.

The phrase seems odd tho - is his dad in the picture, maybe coaching him? Does he have a belief and hope you'll get back together?

Yes well done this conversation with him happened in October that’s what I was referencing to at the time we had been separated 10 months… jeeze! Wow

Why would they need to meet?

You are simply dating this man and that does not need to involve your kid or his children.

Divorce must have been traumatic enough for your son and it is silly to start trying to blend families after 10 months.

Your relationship might last or it might not and you don't want to introduce a new man to your teenager every year.

Give it more time.

Once you have more certainty that there is a real long term future then fine, but 10 months of dating after a divorce is not a good foundation to jump straight away into blending families.

You also need to give the welfare of your son some thoughts. 13 is a tricky age and the last thing you want is to introduce conflict in his life.

Absolutely get this hence why I’ve come looking for experiences from others or perspectives from others in a similar boat

his kids are 10 and 13

I don't think any kid wants to be made to get involved in their parents dating life. It's rarely in their best interests.

My parent inflicted various boyfriends on me in my own home and there was no need for it, it was always really uncomfortable.

Would it not be more enjoyable to just date with no kids involved?

But you’ve only been separated a year now 😆

Too soon.

Keep the relationship as dating only when you have free time for a while longer.

It's even worse if you expect your child to mix with his kids to be honest.

You are getting a clear message here that he is not ready. I think you should wait a bit yet, there’s plenty time if this relationship has legs. I totally agree parents can and should move on and be happy with other people, but for now put your son first would be my advice.

Waaaay too soon.

The thing with divorces and DC is that you're waaay ahead of your DC in the process. Your relationship ending will likely have been a long process, your DC is still in the early stages of processing all the changes, not just WRT the divorce but new family dynamics, new homes, worries about significant dates and the future. Your priority right now should be helping them navigate this and adding as little extra worries as possible. I'd wait atleast another year before mentioning your partner. But I agree with PPs that I don't understand why your child needs to be involved with your love life at all, teens are tricky and may not accept the change even in a few years. You can have a relationship and be a mother and keep those things separate until your child grows up.

Why to the doing things together? Is it for your sake or your DC? I’d suggest your own. Pre teens and teens are tricky enough without adding others ime.

Introduce if you want, but leave it at that. Continue to see each other in your own time, and don’t force “ blending” . You have years ahead of you, no need to rush.

Can I ask how do you manage to see each other 3-5 times a week? Is that because your children spend a lot of time with their father or?

I can’t see him that much at all because I have my kids at home with me a lot and he has his kids with him 50% of the time..: so time together is a lot harder to plan and find

It’s just because our kids have similar interests and likes so we end up going to the same things just at different times of the day.. etc

I think for now, going at separate times of the day would be better than adding to your DC the worry of having to have two step siblings when they have said they don't want to meet your partner.

@Darklava09 I’ve always had full custody, ex husband wasn’t interested in it and only saw them on Sundays (now they either go over for dinner or don’t go at all - they’re all teenagers now and seem quite ambivalent to him and his new family). When we separated I had 3 under 6. No family here and no support from anyone.

I was SAH for the first couple of years and relied on babysitters for dating. After that I got an au pair - it worked out cheaper than breakfast clubs and after school clubs and gave me a lot more flexibility with my study/work. Having the au pair allowed me to meet up for lunches and stay in town for dinners etc. If I stayed out I’d get home before 6am so - when they were young - they saw me when they woke up. When they were a little older I was quite open about dating, I didn’t hide it but I think they weren’t bothered by it as they knew I was still there for them and not changing anything about their home life.

Now they’re teens and they can a) take care of themselves if I’m out and b) seem to be completely emotionally secure and are not bothered if I’m out or not. They wouldn’t mind at all if I was living with my partner but I don’t want to live with anyone at the moment. I enjoy having things separate for now.