Feeling so awful - but else can I do?

[Hoplip]

My daughter is 2 in a few months and is very much in her 'no' phase. She resists absolutely everything, including things like nappy changes. I think she's also been going through a sleep regression for the last month or so.

She's currently refusing all naps, so the second half of the day is torture for all of us. But worse than this, she's now refusing to sleep at night. All she wants is to be held while she sleeps. We can't even lay her down after she's asleep because her eyes shoot open and she cries.

Tonight we put her down asleep, she cried, and we were in and out of her room every 3 minutes, kissing her, stroking her hair and telling her it's ok and that she needs to sleep. She eventually went to sleep after 45 minutes of crying. We must've gone into her room 20 times or so to soothe her.

I'm sat here crying because I feel so awful but I just don't know what else we can do. We cannot stay up all night holding her. She's not unwell, she's not teething, she's very happy during the day when she's not overtired from missing her nap!

Logically and objectively, I think what we did was reasonable. She wasn't left for longer than a few minutes and was soothed and loved each time we went in. Although tbh it's very similar to using the Ferber method of sleep training, which I know is really looked down upon on here.

I just feel I need opinions on whether I'm the worst mother ever or if this is just how you have to deal with unruly toddlers sometimes? It was either this or hold her for the night, and every night to come, unless I'm missing obvious alternatives.

I’m with you - don’t feel bad, it’s your job to teach her how to sleep. We had to do similar with our now 9-year old. Once slightly older, maybe try a sticker chart for every night she goes to bed sensibly.

Thank you for this, honestly. Good to hear (read) someone saying it's ok. I feel awful.

Co sleeping saved me. Sarah Ockwell Smith has some good guidance

My dc are teens now but I'd have done exactly what you did.

Co sleeping not an option for us for many reasons. Main one being a newborn in our room that would constantly be waking her sister.

Edit to add, newborn is now 2.5 months and we've had no problems with night sleep until recently. So unlikely to be linked to the baby.

It goes to show we’re all different as I wouldn’t touch anything SOS says with a barge pole. I think you were fine @Hoplip . Don’t overthink it.

Really reassuring to hear. Thank you.

It's strange because if I was reading my own post a few weeks ago, I would definitely think the poster was overthinking. I don't know why I'm being so hard on myself. I guess the stress response from hearing her cry has really affected me tonight. Thank you for your reassurance.

As a PP said, teaching a child that they need to go to sleep when they are tired is a critical skill. You comforted her but maintained the message that she is tired and needs to sleep, you haven't done anything to feel guilty about.

I had 2 under 2 and did similar with the eldest many times when they were resisting sleep and would do again if needed. I am another who despises SOS and her cherry picking of poor quality evidence to make parents feel more guilty

If I’m honest, I wouldn’t let my toddler cry for 45 minutes. It’d bring out an incredible stress response in me, let alone him, so it wouldn’t be an option for me.

But I am not you, and my toddler isn’t yours. You have to make the calls that you think are right. No permanent damage will have been done in one evening.

Thanks - I'm interested to know what you would've done instead. Would you have held your toddler all night and then the nights that follow?

That's exactly what my husband said. We were consistent in letting her know that we were there, but at the same time, letting her know she needed to sleep. It was our only option really but was still very rough.

Bear in mind she will likely have just realised the baby is here to stay.... Make a point of extras available to The Big Girl only. Let her help with the baby is a great way to avoid jealousy.. I let mine help at bath time. Even when ds pulled the plug from the bath.
On the front room carpet..
Let her choose dsis an outfit or pass a nappy. Praise her for being helpful. You can also mention grown ups need sleep too... It isn't just her /baby that need sleep.

It's absolutely fine.

She's allowed to express her displeasure at the sleeping arrangements, which is what she's doing. She's not 'learning that no-one loves her' or whatever crap the anti-sleep trainers say.

You're allowed to calmly and kindly reinforce those sleeping arrangements because you're an adult and you know what is best for the physical and mental health of the family.

Thank you. She's been such a fantastic big sister. Absolutely no jealousy whatsoever. Always kissing her little sister. Bringing her toys. Wanting cuddles. It's of course a possibility that having a new baby in the house has triggered this but sleep has been fine until recently and she's been through sleep regressions before, just not this bad! Google tells me she's at the right age for a regression. Though it seems all ages have their own sleep regressions... Just hope she settles down soon 🙁

You have my sympathies, bedtimes used to be my least favourite time of the day (actually they still are but you don't need to hear that) - one of my DC was dreadful at that age and there were many nights of tears on both sides. I think you did the right thing and from here on you have to be consistent. It might take a few days but she will get the idea. No one likes to hear their baby cry but as you say she was safe and you were reassuring her so the best option in a difficult time I think. Well done

Is she in a cot? Or a floor bed? Because it's much easier to lie with her and cuddle her on the floor bed and then roll away than try and cuddle her and then have her fully wake up when you try and lie her in a cot.

@NuffSaidSam I really like the way you've worded this, thank you. It's the kind of no-nonsense approach my mother takes. It definitely helps put it all into perspective.

It is truly horrible when they get so worked up but once she gets the message that going to sleep is not up for negotiation, you turn a massive corner. This usually happens very quickly if you stay consistent and you are comforting her so she is not abandoned.

Being consistent meant my DC would go to bed and sleep when we said it was bedtime. They still come to us for hugs at night if something isn't right/they have a nightmare so they are very secure we are still there...then they go back to bed.

I don't know if this will make you feel better or not, but my daughter is 2 in April and has been going through the exact same phase AND we cosleep and always have done. It took me just over an hour to get her to sleep tonight and I lay there patting her back the entire time, so I don't think you should feel bad about her crying - my baby cried on and off too and I was right there! She just didn't want to sleep, she wanted to play still.

It's hard but I am just rolling with it, everything else has been a phase so I'm thinking/hoping/praying this is too and it'll pass.

My child is 3 now and we’ve had this on and off a few times during different phases. I did the exact same thing as you, gradually lengthening the time I was out of the room as long as he wasn’t upset. Felt awful at the time but within a few days or so of it, he settled. They just need that confidence that they have security and that you are there if they need you, even if you’re not right next to them the whole night! Please don’t feel guilty, you’re doing the right thing. You need rest and sleep too!

Have you thought about a form of gradual withdrawal? Yes they cry but you're with them, sitting on the floor next to them with a gentle hand but no talking after the first it's sleep time. They get up you lie them down without talking. It generally works to the point where you can leave the room in 10 days or so.

Thank you for this. Hearing it was the right things to do definitely helps.

My daughter wasn't as bad but used to want to fall asleep on me each night which would sometimes take an hour.

We did what you've described but going in at 10 minute intervals. First night took about 40 minutes, second night she only cried for 15 minutes and on the third night onwards she put herself to sleep with no complaints. Really keeping my fingers crossed for you that yours is similar.

Thank you. I did think about this. She's still in the cot. She needs it because she moves around so much in her sleep. She'd be off the floorbed 5 minutes! I also couldn't cuddle her to sleep consistently every night because I've got another little one who needs me at the same time. DH isn't always home to help with bedtime either. And knowing her, her eyes would shoot open as soon as I started to move!