Feeling so awful - but else can I do?

[Hoplip]

My daughter is 2 in a few months and is very much in her 'no' phase. She resists absolutely everything, including things like nappy changes. I think she's also been going through a sleep regression for the last month or so.

She's currently refusing all naps, so the second half of the day is torture for all of us. But worse than this, she's now refusing to sleep at night. All she wants is to be held while she sleeps. We can't even lay her down after she's asleep because her eyes shoot open and she cries.

Tonight we put her down asleep, she cried, and we were in and out of her room every 3 minutes, kissing her, stroking her hair and telling her it's ok and that she needs to sleep. She eventually went to sleep after 45 minutes of crying. We must've gone into her room 20 times or so to soothe her.

I'm sat here crying because I feel so awful but I just don't know what else we can do. We cannot stay up all night holding her. She's not unwell, she's not teething, she's very happy during the day when she's not overtired from missing her nap!

Logically and objectively, I think what we did was reasonable. She wasn't left for longer than a few minutes and was soothed and loved each time we went in. Although tbh it's very similar to using the Ferber method of sleep training, which I know is really looked down upon on here.

I just feel I need opinions on whether I'm the worst mother ever or if this is just how you have to deal with unruly toddlers sometimes? It was either this or hold her for the night, and every night to come, unless I'm missing obvious alternatives.

This really does make me feel a lot better. Thank you so much for sharing. I really do think it's just another way she's pushing boundaries at the moment. She's being defiant, which is obviously developmentally very normal at her age, and sleep is another thing she's resisting. I think she'd resist it whatever I tried. Unless she was held throughout, of course.

There's definitely a knack to the roll away - I do the teeniest of test shuffles to see if my 20 month old's breathing changes. If it does I stay still. If not I move a leg. Listen. And then if all steady roll off and out the door!
It is hard with two of them though, and if the bed time routine has/does change because of your baby then that is probably also a big factor in her fighting bedtime so hard.

I would have done exactly the same. Please don't feel guilty. Your daughter knows you are there, that she's loved but she's probably unsettled due to her new sibling. Co-sleeping isn't an option for everyone, and it's not a path everyone wants to take either. Other posters are correct, she has to learn to go to sleep when she's tired, and the only way, is to teach her that. Yes, it's bloody tough, and you'll be in for a rough time, but eventually she will settle back down.

Thank you for this. I have heard from others that this approach is the best balance because they've got your reassurance when you go in at set intervals, but you're also being consistent in messaging that it's bedtime. I hope it does work. I just don't want more nights like this one. Was so tough.

Thank you so much. She was quite upset so we kept going in every few minutes. I'm hopeful that if this happens again (though I'm praying it doesn't) she might be a bit calmer and we can leave it a minute or two longer before we go in each time.

Thank you. I am one of those who would rather not go down the co sleeping path if I can help it. I really respect those who co sleep, but even if I were able to, I would really only do it if I had absolutely no other option. As it stands, I'm a very deep sleeper and I have been known to sleepwalk, my toddler is all over the place when she sleeps, and our littlest sleeps in the same room as us already. So alas, co sleeping wouldn't work for us.

Thanks for your reassurance, it's definitely made me feel better.

Hello OP,

I think this is a very common issue and no reflection of you as a parent.

If anything I think you've gone in too often. 20 times in 25 minutes is every two minutes. It's showing your daughter that crying and tantruming works.

My suggestions :

• Talk to her about it, not just during bed time but also in day time when she's calm and there's no time pressure to get her sleeping. Explain that she needs her sleep to be healthy and you also need sleep.
• Try to determine if there's anything wrong. Did she have a nightmare ? Is she scared of the dark ? Is she a bit out of sorts because of the new baby ?
• Offer things to make night time cosier for her. Things like a night light or a special plushie that lights up/plays music/etc. I also usually let mine have (safe) toys in bed, there are toys that you can attach to the sides of the cot. It can help distract and soothe her (at least it worked with mine...)
• Don't go in every two minutes. Tell her gently but firmly that it's night time now and she needs to sleep. Wait at least 5-10min before going in. She needs to learn to self soothe but she won't if you don't give her a chance to learn. Do make sure she's had a chance to drink water/use the loo/has her special blankie first though, obviously.

I'm sure not everyone will agree with this but it works for me. My kids sleep with minimal crying/grumbling.

Just to add, cosleeping has its place but also its limits. With my first two I didn't because they would move/kick in their sleep. With my third I did for a few months while she was a baby for logístic reasons but stopped as soon as practical. She's now almost 1yo and sleeping fine in her own cot.

So don't feel guilty about not cosleeping. If it's not practical then it's not practical and your daughter is perfectly capable of understanding that.