Third child decision is my Roman Empire

[9182h]

Think about having a 3rd child all the time. Have two children already, eldest is 3yr5m, youngest is 16m.

Anecdotally, everyone seems keen to warn against having a third and there are some strong views around about having a larger age gap between no.2 and no.3.

Is having a 3rd a crazy thing to do? Would a similar age gap (2yr-2.5yrs) be too tight?

We're fortunate that finances can support it, we have enough space, and can cover the outlay needed for a bigger car. I think it would be a slog for the first year or so, but both feel that we have enough space in our family to welcome another person. And yet people give warnings/advice for a reason!

You don't realise how much their needs change but become much more involving as they get older, it doesn't get easier it gets different.

Also, sorry to point it out but our third was born with such disabilities that our whole lives have changed including the older two children, you can fight against it affecting them but it is inevitable to some degree and not in a good way at all.

I've had to grieve lots of things I assumed we would do with our older two along side having to do things with our youngest I'd never wish on anyone and no one knows how horrible it is until it happens to them, I just can't convey with the language I have how much you would dispare, every day, it's no life to choose.

You've been lucky, very, very lucky, stick with two.

Your children are quite young, and they need you in a very different way as they get older (I say this as the mother of a teen, and an 8 year old). Some of it is logistical, but a lot of it is emotional, and just time based. DS1 likes having me around sometimes, and will open up. So yes once they are in school, you do have more time (but I work FT and always have), but my evenings are pretty full, even though obviously they are quite independent in lots of ways and I don't have to 'do bedtime' any more.

What is the relevance of “Roman Empire” in your thread title?

I know loads of families with three kids. Most of them seem very happy.

I have three (6/3+3months/10months). It's crazy busy but I love it. She has completed our family and I now know we are done.
I have a really excellent husband and I a supportive family which had been helpful. I have to be organised and there is very little 'down time's but it's totally doable. I'm even back running 3x a week so it's not totally all consuming.
The trickiest thing for us was finding a car we all fit in, which took some hunting but we got there.
Happy to chat about it more if you want to 😀

While I’m so sorry for this it is more about a child with a disability than a third.

I was in this exact situation around 2.5y ago. I had an 5yr old, a 3yr old and couldn’t decide whether to go for a third or just be content with our two happy healthy children. But I just couldn’t shake the feeling that our family didn’t quite feel finished yet. I am one of four children, and our lives are very busy and very full spending time with my siblings, my husbands siblings and all their children. Christmas / birthdays, it’s chaos and we absolutely love it. When I envisaged my life I envisaged it being busy and chaotic with lots of older children and their families around me, just like my parents is now. Of course there’s no guarantee this will happen, but based on both mine and my husbands family dynamics now and throughout history, there’s nothing to suggest it wouldn’t be the same for us. So we went for it, he’s 18m old now and is hands down the best decision we ever made.

If you go for it, embrace the chaos and remember - they’re small children for a tiny portion of their lives. You get to enjoy them far beyond that, so don’t let the baby / child stage scare you off because it’s over before you know it.

You don't know if the next one will have these issues though, that's my point, it's a gamble and op has been lucky with two healthy children already, just as I was unnecessary till I wasn't.

I think the poster’s point was that if you already have two kids then your children already have a sibling (which some people consider to be an important reason to have more than one) so at that point the risk of a third outweighs the potential benefit.

Apparently a lot of men think about the Roman Empire at least once a day. The OP is saying she thinks about having a third child every day.

OP, if you want a a third, and you have the money and space and your DH wants a third, crack on!

My DC3 slid right into our lives with no problems at all. DC4 on the other hand 🤔🤣

OK, that’s a niche reference!
I’ll ask my husband tonight “What did the Romans ever do for us? and see how much he’s thought about it today 😀.

I’d be really, really surprised if that was true for most young modern British men though.

(PS OP coming back to your original question my husband is one of 3 and my MIL is very happy she had the third, I see them as a very happy sibling trio, surprisingly different to each other yet all get on great).

I assume you'll be buying a gas guzzling, road hogging SUV to accommodate them all. On that alone YABU.

Sure but that’s true whatever number child you’re having. It’s more a ‘should I have a child at all’ rather than specifically about the third.

You can afford three children now.
Can you afford three teenagers?
Clothes, mobile phones x 3, laptops x 3, expensive holidays, support through university?

Not to mention how much a teenager needs you much more on an emotional level. A kiss and a cuddle won't make friendship issues, bullying and GCSE and A level struggles go away.

I love having three. They’re all big now. It’s been great. Four year gap between each and that’s worked well.
the third was the easiest, for me.

No, you’re not reading what I said properly. Some people have in their minds a minimum of two and only really weigh up risk of disabilities after their first child has a sibling.

(I know this as I have an only and many people can’t fathom why we stopped at one).

You don't need a new car. Just different car seats. It's only 4 you need a new car for. Have the third. I did, no regrets no new car.

I love having 3. I found it hard going with 2 (they are 18 months apart and it was hard) and was completely unsure about having a third. My husband really wanted 3 and I was eventually swayed as my younger 2 got easier coming out of the baby / toddler years. I am SO glad I did, my third is wonderful and she has absolutely completed the family, her older brothers adore her, she slotted right in and I actually find the dynamic of 3 much easier than with 2.

I wouldn’t worry much about what others say. This a decision for you and your husband and there is no formula to give an answer, it’s a lot about what you desire your family to look like ( circumstances permittting). Of course there are upsides and downsides.

I'm so glad we had our 3rd. It's such a cliche but he really did complete our family. The older two adore him and as a result he adores them, the mutual oxytocin hit they get from each other is wonderful.

There's an element of plate spinning and we have to be super organised with all the schedules and activities. We make sure we have plenty of 1:1 time with each of them and plenty of family time. We generally have a very happy home.

Absolutely go for it . I would have loved to have a 3rd child but Ex talked me out of it . I felt I couldn't have a child the father didn't want . My biggest regret .

Why do you assume that. My car is big enough for family of 5 and is electric!

Go for it if you want and you can afford it. Yes it's harder than two, but not terribly so. My two were 6 and about to turn 4 when my third was born and that was a nice gap - I think I'd have found it harder with a smaller gap. The older two are always bickering but they both adore the little one.

we have 3.
I like it. I like that the dynamic is always changing, I like the endless variety of relationships, I like the busyness etc.
But it is harder, less neat, sometimes more work. Life is always calmer when one is not there (which ever one) but then for me that calmer is sometimes a bit boring?

I had mine all quite late, last one born when I was 40, and youngest still in sixth form.
I don't regret 3 at all.

I would not want 4 though, simply because so much in the world doesn't fit for 4, eg cars, you need a people carrier. And family rooms etc can usually accommodate 3 more easily that 4.
We had a high risk for twins, so we could have ended up with 4!

It's amazing, was very slow to come round to the idea but been a joy all along.