How to cope with newborn when DH works long shifts

[Hello2025baby]

I have a six week old DS who is very lovely and perfectly healthy but exhausting. He is exclusively breastfed and hasn’t yet settled into a nice 3/4 hourly pattern. He also still poos very regularly (10-15 times a day) and is very distressed by pooing and then having a pooy nappy. And he’s refluxy, so needs to be winded and sat upright for at least 20 mins after feeding, otherwise he’ll vomit and wake himself if put down. I’m assured by GP and baby books all this is normal (though compared to others definitely the more difficult end of the spectrum). This means night feeds are not a quick put him on the boob, settle and go back to sleep, but can end up taking an hour or two. I can basically catch 30-40 mins sleep before he’s stirring again.

I have coped until now by expressing so DH can have him 9pm-1am and give a bottle, and I get four hours uninterrupted sleep before taking over for the rest of the night. This just about works with his normal working day, but soon he’ll be returning to long day shifts where he’ll be out of the house 7am-9.30pm and night shifts 7pm-9.30am. How an earth have others coped in these circumstances? I don’t get much/any sleep in the day either for the same reason- maybe 40 mins during an afternoon nap.

Bumping for you OP and sending a handhold. When my DS was very little he was very similar - EBF, feeding for hours and hours at a time, constant pooing. Some reflux but also colic and refusing to be put down. You sound far more accepting and stoic of the situation than me - I was a deranged mess at 6 weeks postpartum.

My top tip to you would be - do absolutely minimal housework/chores whilst you are on your own, if you do any at all do it when baby is awake. DH can do the chores when not on shift - shift work is hard going of course but hopefully he might be able to give a bottle and give you a stretch of rest even if not at the same time every day?Feet up whilst you are feeding, keep yourself well hydrated and fed with things you like, get some fresh air, watch lots of tv. Try to rest at every possible opportunity. Can you feed lying down at all? (I wasn't able to but lots of people here have mentioned - I recall one mum even saying it helped her DC with reflux?).

Do you have any other family/friends who are able to help you at all? Practically but also a sympathetic ear helps!

Wishing you luck and things will get better - from recollection 8 weeks things were significantly better and DS was much more settled from 12 weeks. It's a game changer when you don't have to change nappies at night and reflux gets better as babies get bigger.

This was a very similar situation to when my eldest was tiny. I was getting about 45min sleep between night feeds and I don’t think I had longer than a 2 hour stretch of sleep for nearly 6 months but you do manage.

I found cosleeping and contact naps the best for me getting as much rest as possible, obviously you can’t sleep during a contact nap but just a bit of time to sit down and watch tv helped, and DS slept so much longer (and minimal reflux trouble) when he slept on my chest.

At night I found feeding lying down meant he didn’t really need winding (I think this was around 4 months though).

Neither of mine went longer than 2/3 hours between feeds until over 1 but the feeds get quicker and not so many nappies makes it more manageable not having to change nappies at night really does make life easier.

It’s really hard and I would say I have long term sleep deprivation from having children in quick succession (I was 8months pregnant when my eldest started sleeping through so didn’t get to enjoy it for long!) but your body gets used to it and you begin to be able to function on much less sleep than you previously did.

DH was away working 5.5 days a week when DD was tiny (first 18 months). No family within 5000 miles.

I exclusively expressed all of her milk, which meant I had to wake up every 3 hours overnight whether she did or not.

She slept next to me on the bed, or in a baby hammock which held her slightly more upright and bounced when she moved which helped her stay asleep for part of the night. During the day she slept in a vibrating bouncy chair, which again held her slightly more upright. I could dose on the sofa next to her.

I did the bare minimum of laundry and dishwashing to get by. Had batch cooked meals in the freezer so that I could get nutritious food without needing to cook.

If we had a bad night, we stayed in the next day and cat napped as much as possible. Used infacol to help with burps. Met friends whenever possible that would hold the baby and not judge me for nodding off. Drove around to get her to sleep then napped in the car on the drive.

Basically, whatever got us through every day.

Just remind yourself that if others can manage it so can you.
Slot on with your baby's timings and do5 worry of jobs don't get done. It's only for a short while.

I had the same issue but luckily DD slept 3/4 hours in the day between feeds so I napped then, is this the case for you?

Hey, I EBF, and have an 8 month old little girl.

Cluster feeding should start to die down soon. I found it subsided significantly from 8 weeks (with occasional days during growth spurts). My baby woke every 60-90 mins for the first 8 weeks of her life (and on nights she cluster fed she'd literally be attached to me all night), and by the time I'd resettled her and fallen back asleep, she was shortly up again. It was horrible, but you do live. From 8-10 weeks, she started sleeping longer stretches, especially at the start of the night, so I was getting a good 3-4 hours in. Then from maybe 12 weeks she started sleeping through, and did so until recently when she's starting waking every 2 hours again lol.

They get far quicker at feeding though. Like literally over and done within 5-10 mins, unless nursing for comfort or something.

Let the house get messy. Take the laundry to a dry cleaner if you need to. Get ready meals or order something. Have easy lunches like microwave rice and some fruit you can just grab.

Focus as much as you can on just resting whilst feeding and contact napping whilst watching TV. Catch up on naps a little on DH's days off if you can.

It feels like you can't cope sometimes but you can and do cope, and you survive.

Also take care of yourself. Have that shower. Crying for 5 mins whilst you have a shower won't harm baby. Crying for 5 mins if you need to make a brew is fine.

20 to 25 dirty but a day is not normal, my LG was like this and turned out to be cmpa, have you tried cutting dairy from your diet op.

I had a high needs baby I BF and it was tough.

I slept in short stretches throughout the night, and then baby would usually sleep from 5-8am so I'd get a nice nap in then.

Every few days I'd need a couple of hours day time sleep too, so would do that when DH got home or when the in laws were over.

Once baby got the hang of lying down to feed at night, I got more sleep as I'd often fall asleep during feeds.

With the reflux and lots of poos, you may have a CMPA baby. Possibly worth taking dairy out of your diet to see if there's a difference, especially if baby starts to develop eczema

That is such a kind and helpful post @SpiraliserSardinePasta . I promise I am absolutely not this stoic IRL, I cry most days. It helps to know things will get easier and in the meantime I need to prioritise baby boy and me getting food and sleep, and let the rest go. I had visions of mum and baby yoga and hanging out with my NCT friends but I’ll have to accept that kind of thing needs to wait.

Also DH has a stag do in 4 weeks (so DS will be ten weeks old) and will be away for one night over the weekend. I really want him to be able to go (it’s for his closest friend) but right now there’s no way I could accept being alone for a non essential reason. Obviously hoping things will be better by then, but how bad is bad enough that I should ask/beg/insist he doesn’t go? My mum can help in the daytime but not stay overnight.

If you’re by struggling this much you should speak your HV for support

I also have a 6 week old (currently feeding her now!) so I feel your pain on the sleep front..!

I know it may not be super helpful advice, but have you considered adding formula to the mix? I wasn't able to EBF but do give DD breast milk in a bottle which she has during the day but is mostly on formula. I find that formula keeps her full for much longer than BM, so I get a bit of sanity back and give her formula in the evenings to help with longer stretches of sleep! Completely understand that may not be an option or something you want to consider, but just throwing it out there!

It will pass though - I know it's hard when you're in the thick of it so be kind to yourself

We're at simular stages OP, but mine does sound easier than yours in some ways.

DD is 5 weeks, BF (but on clusterfeeding nights if she can't get enough from me I give formula). She is very reluctant to let me put her down atm, and last night I didn't sleep at all. Tonight has been better, with a few 1 or 2 hour stretches. She only poos 3/4 times at this stage though, and no reflux, which makes it easier on us.

DP went back to work yesterday, but works from home, so again I have it easier. Last night though I was a wreck by 5am. A no sleep night preceded by weeks of very little sleep (preceeded by a major medical event) is really hard going.

I know it's not like we weren't warned, but that doesn't make is any easier.

You said you can pump. Can you pump for a middle of the night feed or two and give it by bottle rather than boob? Bottles are faster and seem to settle mine more reliably than the boob (by that I mean, seems to knock her out enough that I can put her down).

Have you considered medicating the reflux? Both my DDs were similar - getting them on baby gavsicon really helped because not only does it stop the vomiting, it causes them to become slightly constipated so stops the 10x per day poops as well. We didnt need to use a full dose - just half a sachet was enough to make quite a big difference.

How many long shifts does your DH do a week?

You will adapt. I don't mean that flippantly.
When you're just hanging on and you see a change for the worse upcoming (DH out the house more) it makes logical sense to think everything will be worse and you won't cope. I don't know why but in my experience the worrying about it is the worst part! Always something shifts, you'll find a new pattern. Your baby is growing up and will start sleeping better, your own post partum body is healing more and more each day and tasks will become slightly easier, the weather is getting nicer so your mum might take baby on a walk each day for you to get a block of sleep.
It really will be ok

Oh it’s so hard. You’ll manage. We all do. I had one like yours then twins 😭
Be kind to each other. Throw any spare money at it for a few more weeks. Take any offers of help. Let any standards drop.
The sun will soon come out and he will settle more. Start to smile.
Six weeks is the worst! The absolute worst. Maximum sleep deprivation and baby’s not properly smiling and making it feel worthwhile. It nearly broke me both times. It does get easier.

You will survive. I don’t mean that horribly, it’s just you will. You find a way! Do you use a sling in the day? My first wouldn’t be put down, the sling saved me. At least I could get a cup of tea then. Take any opportunity to rest even if it isn’t sleep. I once drove around to get my first to sleep then slept myself in the car.
My DH works away two days a week including being gone overnight. I have a 3yo and 2 month old & it’s strange how quickly you adapt.

That being said, keep an eye (or ask DH to) on how you are feeling. You may need GP or health visitor support if you start to feel completely overwhelmed

@Hello2025baby i found that on the nights of really bad sleep it actually helped to go out and do things during the day for a change of scenery and company, especially the company. And if your NCT group is nice there will others who are sympathetic and going through similar. Just easy things like coffee and mum and baby cinema where they can feed and nap on you anyway. I also used to breastfeed sitting up in bed in the day then once baby was asleep on me I could sometimes put them down next to me in the bed and they would stay asleep and I could nap, so you could maybe try this. Obviously with no duvet around etc.

How many days a week is your DH doing those shifts, that sounds mad?

I would also agree with others that these symptoms maybe sound like CMPA, just something to think about. I know cutting dairy from your diet is very drastic. But I had an ebf baby who fed and pooed a LOT (like gained weight very quickly) and he would basically poo after every feed. Is it more than this? I have friends who have experienced this with their babies and in both cases the GP was pretty useless and they really had to push.

Six weeks is a bit of a turning point I found - not promising hours of sleep at night yet but you get into it so I would say you are still in the hardest time trying to adapt. And they change so quickly that you can't worry about the stag do yet - you might be bossing it by then so just focus on a day at a time for now. It is hard and awful at times - my dh did overnights too and my two used to take it in turns through the night. I used to dread going to sleep some nights. But as others have said, relax all day time expectations, sleep when you can, whatever the time and give it another couple of weeks and those mum and baby classes will come

Exactly this

I can't belive 10-15 poos with the baby distressed is normal. As above, consider removing dairy hope for an improvement.
You are honestly doing brilliantly, and will survive this but it is a massive massive adjustment to make and is tough.
(Neither of mine never git the memo about 3-4 hours although my second only woke twice a night to feed from 5ish months which was nice).

I had my baby in bed with me, then gave him the side boob while lying down. There are safe ways to co sleep. Don't you still have to wake up to pump if he gives him a bottle at night? Otherwise the milk will dry up at that time? Does he absolutely have to work those long hours? It sounds hard. I did nights and my partner did mornings before work.

The newborn stage is very hard but it will get better and your baby will sleep for longer. As others said you will adjust and get used to it. Get out and about during the day, it really helps being around other mums and doing something, also gets baby out of the house which is good for them.

If it’s his best friends stag do and only one night I wouldn’t stop him going. You have your mum to help during the day so get a good rest in.

For me, breastfeeding lying down and napping with baby was a game changer.

Your baby is six weeks old. By the time he is 12 weeks he will almost certainly be sleeping for longer periods between feeds so you'll be able to get more sleep, and probably a longer chunk in the day too. So it's just a matter of getting through the next few weeks. How many long shifts does DH have per week? You say your mum can come over in the day - could you sleep on those days while she's here?