How to cope with newborn when DH works long shifts

[Hello2025baby]

I have a six week old DS who is very lovely and perfectly healthy but exhausting. He is exclusively breastfed and hasn’t yet settled into a nice 3/4 hourly pattern. He also still poos very regularly (10-15 times a day) and is very distressed by pooing and then having a pooy nappy. And he’s refluxy, so needs to be winded and sat upright for at least 20 mins after feeding, otherwise he’ll vomit and wake himself if put down. I’m assured by GP and baby books all this is normal (though compared to others definitely the more difficult end of the spectrum). This means night feeds are not a quick put him on the boob, settle and go back to sleep, but can end up taking an hour or two. I can basically catch 30-40 mins sleep before he’s stirring again.

I have coped until now by expressing so DH can have him 9pm-1am and give a bottle, and I get four hours uninterrupted sleep before taking over for the rest of the night. This just about works with his normal working day, but soon he’ll be returning to long day shifts where he’ll be out of the house 7am-9.30pm and night shifts 7pm-9.30am. How an earth have others coped in these circumstances? I don’t get much/any sleep in the day either for the same reason- maybe 40 mins during an afternoon nap.

Or alternatively - BF followed by a formula top up. Your supply is well-established at six weeks, so if baby will take a bottle, consider giving a small formula top up (might be as little as 20ml)- you could get the ready made liquid to trial it. Just a thought. Kept me sane during cluster feeds.

I literally cat napped for years, my dc were bad sleepers and exh worked away a lot. The good news is that it's put me in good shape for middle age where I cat nap rather than sleep most nights

It's a pretty short period with the constant dirty nappies btw. Mine switch to once every 3 or 5 days (depending which dd)

Another that is questioning the reflux and 10-15 poos a day. My daughter was like this and it was cmpa and other allergies. She never went longer between feeds until about 6 months when we started to get on top of her reflux and allergies.

Without adequate reflux treatment and prior to looking at allergies I was barely coping at all!

Another one saying it could be CMPA because the reflux and abnormal amount of dirty nappies are classic symptoms. I would talk to the GP, ask get the reflux medicated and cut out all dairy (and soy because the 2 allergies often go together) from your diet.

Any advice to introduce an evening bottle of formula I’d put a pin in right now, not because it’s bad advice or anything, but because if baby does have CMPA then regular formula could make it a lot worse. Try eliminating dairy from your diet for a few weeks and see how that goes, then if you do want to introduce formula you’ll know if he’s likely to tolerate the regular stuff or will need a prescription for a specialist type.

If he's NOT got CMPA I'd be shocked.

You need to completely remove dairy from your diet and soya. You will likely end up with a much happier baby. 15 poos a day!! Poor thing.

Oh and also I thought my baby was the biggest cluster feeder ever. She was actually in constant pain from the CMPA so feeding for temporary comfort and relief which of course then made her worse, till I cut out dairy and had a much easier baby.

At 6 weeks you're really in the thick of it- it will definitely get easier I promise.
I don't really know how I coped in the early days but somehow just got through it.
I would advise doing absolutely minimal housework, and do try and get some sleep when your baby sleeps. You can catch up on housework and admin when DH has days off.
Try and get out of the house for some fresh air every day, even if just for 10 minutes, it does wonders for your mental health.
Also a mum and baby group of some kind will help you feel like you're not alone in this!

Reflux can also be caused by tongue tie (but I don't think it causes the discomfort on pooing). If it doesn't settle soon (colic is common until 6 weeks afaik), I would be looking for a second opinion. Seeing a LLL breastfeeding support person or similar might be no harm in the meantime to check latch / tongue tie / rule out other causes of reflux.

DH and I have twins. They tag teamed us all night for the first three months or so. We dealt with it by me looking after them Sunday - Thursday nights and DH looking after them Friday and Saturday nights. When they were six weeks old I remember bursting into tears because I just couldn't deal with the sleep deprivation any more. I would try to sleep during the day when they did but one would wake up when the other napped and vice versa.

When they started rolling around at four months things got better, at six months they crawled and it got easier and a lot better when they started walking and sleeping through the night at 12 months it took me a couple of months to feel normal again but I did.

It's horrible right now but it will get better in a few more weeks.

Baby is very small at 6 weeks and it's all about survival at the moment. Baby groups etc need to wait I don't remember thinking about any of that when baby was so small.
I found at around the 10 weeks she started to settle a bit more for longer stretches. She was also a 2 hour feeder (from start of feed) also needed winded etc.

You're in the trenches now but it will get better.

Also if you are in UK I found the lighter days much easier to deal with things. I was very grateful for a summer baby for this! It helped me a lot.
The lighter days are coming!

Adding yet another voice saying consider CMPA and potentially medication for the reflux.

You can catch up on housework and admin when DH has days off.

Or the fully grown adult male could do more housework and admin.

Tbh if you're other had CMPA it makes it even more likely this baby has it as there is a genetic link. It is likely just a bit less severe than your other child. My baby was relatively content despite having CMPA.

Should say 'your other baby'

Ahh sorry OP wrong thread , was also talking to someone else with a potential CMPA baby

I was the same as you OP, I thought I would be going running with a baby buggy and groups and everything. In reality barely any of that was possible. Go easy on yourself. Sleep when the baby sleeps. Minimal housework as / when you can fit it in. I was also a single parent BFing with no real support, and whilst I found it sent me crazy at times I made it through somehow. However I do wish in retrospect I had been kinder to myself at the time and lessened my expectations of how it would be. Keep doing it until it feels normal. Acceptance is the best thing here. Hope you are ok.

Thanks all for your input. I really don’t think it’s CMPA- as I mentioned the GP thinks it’s normal, and baby boy has great weight gain, loves feeding and no other allergic type symptoms. DH is a doctor (hence 12.5 hr shifts at a hospital an hour away- in June he will move to a closer one thank god) and our paediatrician and gastroenterologist friends also agree no concern at this stage. I think he is just a little behind with the poos slowing down, but at six weeks still within the normal spectrum. If still the same at eight weeks will revisit with GP.

Thank you for all your kind reassurance- I saw some of my NCT friends whose babies are a few weeks older and it was great to vent together and also hear it gets better. I’ll keep soldiering on ❤️

I haven't got any solutions as had a similar time with my LO who is 7m with the long feeds and reflux. But I just wanted to say you are doing an AMAZING job. You sound like you are coping well, all things considered, and your little one will be thriving because of you. Keep it up mama!! By 3/4 months the dust settles (a little bit) and you'll be able to nap for slightly longer stints in the day. Accept any help when it is offered. Go for a shower, grab a nap. Don't feel guilty. Forget about anything that isn't a necessity for now and just do what needs doing to get by. You have got this! ❤️

OK well maybe just keep an eye on it in case as CMPA tends to get worse over time and build up in the system. If the poos turn green and smelly you'll know there's a problem! For us it got worse at about 8 weeks. Before that it was just constant feeding and pooing but normal poos. Sorry I know I sound CMPA obsessed, hopefully in your case this is totally irrelevant...

I totally agree you should have super low expectations of yourself. I considered I was doing VERY well if I even got out the house for a slow walk at about 6 weeks pp. I didn't start baby groups till around 3 months old. They don't get anything from them at the beginning anyway!

Symptoms of allergies can be not particularly distinctive. My daughters GP said categorically no allergies and her paediatrician said unlikely but as we had exhausted all other options worth trying. She has over 20 food allergies! At 6 weeks she was doing 10-20+ poos a day. She then was on and off gaviscon that got her down to 8 a day but she then struggled to pass them. At 6 weeks she was a bit unsettled but 16 weeks she cried for 16-20h a day! She was 17 weeks by the time we got a diagnosis!
The only way to rule cmpa in or out is to remove dairy and see if Reflux alone can be a symptom of cmpa. We had 8+ GP visits, 3 feeding assessments with the infant feeding team, we were having weekly visits by the midwives until 4 week raising issues that we later found out to be due to allergies but put down to fast letdowns and other things. We also saw the HV every other week from 3 weeks to 16 weeks but they all missed her allergies! She had "good" weight gain but still moved up just under 2 percentiles after removing dairy

A friend of mine was told absolutely no chance of allergies repeatedly and her son went into anaphylaxis the first time he had dairy directly!

Solidarity OP. I had a baby like this she nearly killed me with exhaustion. She was gluten intolerant and was reacting to it in my milk. Every dr I saw said I was normal. She was 2 before I worked it out for myself and she finally slept.

I can promise you it does get better.

To survive drop everything non essential. All housework cooking washing etc can be left to your dh when he's not working. Your focus is on baby. That means you having enough sleep to care for baby as much as actually caring for baby.

I must admit I co slept in the end. Only way to cope. Get some washable incontinuance pads so you just swap it out whenever baby vomits in bed.