To want to scream that not every child is outgoing! So frustrating..

[Thelimitdoesnotexist9]

My DD is 2.7 and a lovely little girl. Yes, she’s quiet and she approaches situations cautiously. She’s never been one to jump straight into soft play, she will watch for a little before going in (but she does go in!)

She’s a slow burner and to me, that’s just her personality and we allow her to warm up at her own pace. But other people seem to think it’s a negative trait.

For example, we went to the farm on the weekend. I was calling her name to say slow down on the way in, and an old man heard me and approached her and said ‘DD, can I have a high five’ and she said erm.. no and ran back to me, which I was pleased about! My mum got embarrassed and said to the man ‘oh she’s such a funny thing, I’m sorry’ as if she had done something wrong.

Then we bumped into another little girl from her childminders and they were playing, but the nan of the other little girl was trying to film them to send to the little girls mum and so DD was a little apprehensive and the nan said ‘gosh she’s very quiet isn’t she’ over and over. I said well actually she isn’t with people she’s comfortable around!

I’m so tired of feeling like I have to make excuses. She isn’t rude, and says please/thank you, she just is apprehensive of new situations. Is that really so bad? That’s only two examples but the list is endless.

Err ..it's really normal for kids to be shy in front of strangers.
She sounds quite normal tbh.

Most of the comments are fairly innocuous too.

You're reading too much into it

I remember when my ds were at primary school and my friend getting frustrated as the school kept trying to 'fix' her daughter's quietness. My ds have always been 'unique' and we agreed that there is a place in the world for different types of people. You need your confident outgoing types but in addition the quiet kids, the musical kids, the technical kids, the 'get on with it quietly' kids all have a place too. The world would really not function if everyone was an extrovert! Unfortunately we felt that primary school in particular over celebrated the extroverts but this did improve at secondary and then at college / uni.

@HamandCheeseSandwich I’d agree if it was a recent thing, but she’s had these comments for at least a year - that she’s shy, timid, maybe she will come out of her shell.

My mum gets so embarrassed when we are out and she doesn’t chat to every stranger that says hello and feels the need to apologise for her. I just find it frustrating. Quiet children are equally as lovely as outgoing ones.

I hate this! My grandma and aunt mess the same with us growing up, we were all very shy, partly because my mum always spoke for us and didn't give us change to state our own opinion but it used to drive me mad comments like this

Thank you @lorisparkle - I think this is my concern. So what if she grows up to be a super quiet child/adult. To us she is funny, kind and very switched on but people so often perceive her apprehension as being rude, even at such a young age. I hope the world doesn’t continue to try and change her.

Unfortunately we have now declared that being shy, being overly studious and being anything but mainstream in interests is a medical condition!

She sounds just fine

I understand why your mum acted the way she did (let’s face it, it’s embarrassing when kids don’t adhere to adult dictated social norms) but I thoroughly agree with you.

I also think kids these days are photographed and video’ed (even tapestry etc at school) far too much than is healthy. It really irritates me that we don’t give them space and privacy to just be humans. I’d hate to be going about my life while someone films me without permission! Why is it still acceptable to do this to kids.

That's frustrating OP. You may well be reading more into it than most people are meaning, but it's not really the point - you're right in that society does have certain expectations of small children. Allowances aren't generally made for those that don't want to interact - they're sometimes considered a bit rude.

We have a little boy in our family who was very watchful when small - he liked to observe, I think just because that was his way of sussing out a situation. He always waited until he felt comfortable in a new environment before getting himself involved, and we had several family member interpret this as him being too shy, or too scared to join in with more boisterous relations. Fortunately his Mum very much left him to it, supported him standing back and politely "defended" his approach to other family members - basically repeatedly and politely saying "He's fine, he's happy watching for now - please leave him to it" (with cheery smile etc) and I think it just became part of his natural personality (and people got used to it) without it being a big deal that he wasn't an extrovert.

Agree - she's perfectly normal and the comments are not offensive.

I have one of each - one very outgoing and one very not! Honestly, the shier one was a lot easier. He's more naturally cautious and sensible. My dd on the other hand is a wild woman and I used to worry she'd wander off on her own as she was bold as brass. She's now 10 and a bit more sensible, but yeesh. Stressful

It's good that you made the comment to the nan. Your mum was being silly. Why would a 2 year old want to high five an unknown man? She's putting his feelings above her granddaughter's comfort.
I'd just keep on standing up for your dd if I were you.

My dd is now 18 every single parents evening since she was 4 they have said she doesn’t speak or put her hand up unless asked. Yes she’s in introvert - some people are.

I agree with this, my friends dd reminds me very much of how I was myself as a child, very shy and not wanting to be centre of attention, doesn't want to take part in school plays etc. This is exactly how i was at her age but my friend is convinced her dd must be autistic because of these traits and Is currently pursuing assessments for her.
I told my friend she reminds me of how I was as a child and she will probably grow out of it as I did and her dd has no other issues. but friend is having none of it and is convinced her dd must be ND.

Fortunately his Mum very much left him to it, supported him standing back and politely "defended" his approach to other family members - basically repeatedly and politely saying "He's fine, he's happy watching for now - please leave him to it" (with cheery smile etc)
Good for her. That's a good response.

Its just so sad that children still have to go through this. She sounds adorable and you should be proud of her. It's really good that she's comfortable saying no to people. I just hope these comments weren't made in her earshot. I'd find that really hurtful.

Adult always think the kids don't take note or forget but trust me it ALL sinks in. She would not be able to think it or verbalise it but she would likely get a sense that some people see something not normal in her. It's heartbreaking. She sounds precious.

She's completely normal, you don't need to make any excuses for her!

The weird attitude about kids who take a good look before they leap can get wearing. Wait till she's at school... first parents evening of each year we'd have 'she's very quiet' , but second of each year when she'd 'warmed up' and got to know the teachers it would be a different story! We had this most of the way through secondary school with each new teacher.

Some kids are introverts, which is fine, yours sounds maybe more like my dd was - 'slow burner'. My erstwhile 'shy' child is now a confident young adult.

You might like this book:
Quiet

I probably am taking it more to heart than people intend, but it is difficult hearing it all the time. I think that’s my concern @Twatalert (great name btw), that she will feel the need to change who she is. She’s a total sponge at the moment, listening to everything. We just tell her we love her exactly as she is.

Agree! Nowadays people put their whole kids lives on SM. It's really awful imo.

Exactly. Being quiet is not a personality disorder. In fact, being cautious of strangers is a survival trait, especially if you're female.

We found the same re difference between primary and secondary. Dd1 is quiet and primary sometimes gave the impression they thought she was a bit odd. They loved the confident ones, even those who weren't nice to other kids.
Secondary though were always really positive about her and never complained she was quiet. They were probably too busy dealing with the badly behaved students and appreciated someone who just got on with it and caused no trouble!

My son has selective mutism and has social anxiety.

Quite often other children have tried to interact with him when at the park or play gyms etc. he literally cannot respond in these situations and the amount of ignorance from the parents is just awful to hear.

Parents telling their kids, not to bother with him if he is going to act rude, or telling him to use his voice and not be ignorant, honestly they need to look in the mirror and have a word with themselves.

My son is also kind, wonderful and funny, your daughter sounds the same, sadly some people are ignorant and need to learn that everyone is different and quiet children are just as delightful as the more outgoing ones.

If she grows up to be a super quiet adult then she'll probably do less well than average socially and financially.

I'm not suggesting that super loud people are great and everyone should try to be like them. And certainly their are downsides to being very outgoing. But being timid, on average, means losing out on opportunities and that translates into fewer friends and fewer job opportunities than if she were averagely outgoing.

I know most super quiet people would rather be as they are than try and be more outgoing as they find being outgoing uncomfortable in some way. But I think most people, especially teachers in school, who suggest pushing her to get more comfortable with being a bit outgoing, are looking to try and increase her comfort so that she doesn't find it better to be quiet and miss out.

Not just children - people.

I’ve always been reserved and quiet - as an adult, I’m introverted but of course I’ve learned to get social cues and adapt etc, but I’ve had these comments said to me my whole life. I thought there was something wrong with me.

What I’ve learned is that loud people appear to be everywhere because they are vocal. And quiet people tend to mind their own business. There are others out there like your DD and I’m glad you sent forcing her to be who she isn’t.

It is rude for people to comment once, let alone repeatedly, and I also think it is a mistake to tell children that they are "shy" or "quiet" because it can be a self fulfilling prophecy if they accept that evaluation of themselves.

Having said all that, as they get older it is essential that they can speak up for themselves, raise their hand to contribute to a class, and confidently claim their turn. They don't have to love being centre stage but if I had a quiet child I would be finding ways to build those skills.

OP I agree 100%

The primary schooling system is also geared up to suit extrovert children. But quiet girls especially suffer