To want to scream that not every child is outgoing! So frustrating..

[Thelimitdoesnotexist9]

My DD is 2.7 and a lovely little girl. Yes, she’s quiet and she approaches situations cautiously. She’s never been one to jump straight into soft play, she will watch for a little before going in (but she does go in!)

She’s a slow burner and to me, that’s just her personality and we allow her to warm up at her own pace. But other people seem to think it’s a negative trait.

For example, we went to the farm on the weekend. I was calling her name to say slow down on the way in, and an old man heard me and approached her and said ‘DD, can I have a high five’ and she said erm.. no and ran back to me, which I was pleased about! My mum got embarrassed and said to the man ‘oh she’s such a funny thing, I’m sorry’ as if she had done something wrong.

Then we bumped into another little girl from her childminders and they were playing, but the nan of the other little girl was trying to film them to send to the little girls mum and so DD was a little apprehensive and the nan said ‘gosh she’s very quiet isn’t she’ over and over. I said well actually she isn’t with people she’s comfortable around!

I’m so tired of feeling like I have to make excuses. She isn’t rude, and says please/thank you, she just is apprehensive of new situations. Is that really so bad? That’s only two examples but the list is endless.

I was reserved as a child and people called me quiet and shy. I just thought they were loud and overwhelming. I have no problems socially as an adult.
my nephew (4) is similar, watches things and isn’t really one for spontaneous touching! My dd (11)asked him for a high five, he said no thanks, she said no problem and afterwards said it’s good he knows his boundaries 😂 I agreed.

I agree op. Some of my child's friends parents talk about my son as if he's an alien. He's just shy and comes out of his shell unlike their kids who are footy mad

It doesn’t stop imo. Both my DC are quiet. Even in sixth form, getting A* across the board DC1 would get a 2 for effort, they were always a really hard worker.

I asked them where that mark came from - it’s because I’m quiet Mum. FGS.

Thanks everyone 💕 I think I take it personally because I was a selective mute as a child (although you’d absolutely never know it now.. I imagine my mum didn’t have the time of day for it 😂) and was ‘shy’ growing up. I’m glad there’s lots of us!

No you are not. Their intentions don't matter, only the impact on the child does. Adults should be aware of this or work towards becoming aware. Your daughter is totally innocent and a white sheet of paper. That's how she should be treated.

How are people saying calling an impressionable child ‘a funny little thing’ and apologising for her isn’t rude? Ofc it’s rude. And it tells dd she did wrong and is acting weird. not talking to a random man she doesn’t know is actually behaviour it’s better to encourage.

Your Dm and this woman actually have a bit of a cheek commenting on her behaviour when both were rude themselves.

My dd is quiet, dh and I have had to make a conscious effort to not apologise or make excuses for her when she doesn’t want to talk to someone or hug a great aunt or something, because it does feel awkward, but that’s about us and not her and I don’t want her to internalise that.

Your 11yo is wiser than many adults!

Yeah it would annoy me if people made those sorts of comments too. Lots of adults seem to want kids to fit into whatever it is that they want from the interaction, and not what's best for the kid. I was a very very shy child and I feel like that is a perfectly fine and normal thing to be.

It does sound annoying and your daughter deserves to be respected as she is - but also I think some people feel the need to comment on anything, if it wasn’t her being quiet it’d be her hair colour or her height or something else.

I would just say to keep an honest eye on yourself to make sure that you’re not “training her” to be quiet or shy, more than she is already. For example if she won’t engage with new people and runs back to you - sounds fine in this example but you don’t want her to think that new people are inherently scary. I have a couple of friends who were from “shy” families and it had a knock on effect when they were teens or young adults and they found overcoming that shyness doubly hard as it was sort of part of the family identity if that makes sense. I really saw why they call it painfully shy as completing school projects which involved talking to strangers were genuinely horrible for them.

A lot of people including myself are shy, quiet, but always listening, always learning. We always want to not draw attention to ourselves. We prefer reading and watching telly to going out with friends. When we do go out, we can get overwhelmed by noise and people and want to go home, or we are enjoying ourselves enough, until we're not and we want to go home.

Some people don't understand this.

My mum was told I never put my hand up in class like it was a terrible thing, and I was told my daughter was the same like it was a terrible thing. I did the same as my mum, and asked if the teacher thought my daughter was keeping up and understanding what's going on. The answer was always yes, so I didn't understand why they took such umbrage from it.

And yes, why DO we tell our kids not to speak to strangers, and then in the next breath expect them to adhere to adult social norms?

Leave the shy ones alone!

iI's acceptable (apparently!) and legal to do this to adults too! It shouldn't be!

Totally agree

Some random man wanting a high five?? No. Who does he think he is, Ronald Reagan???

I could have written this myself. It drives me nuts! My in-laws clearly are unhappy about my DDs "shyness" (hate the word shy and the belief it's a negative). They treat my DD different to her much more outgoing cousin! I prefer having a child who is a little cautious around strangers! It's a good trait.

Gah I hate this. My DD, now 11, has always been quiet. Not shy, just not really chatty. She drinks everything in says something when she has something of relevance to say.

I’ve spent years battling with teachers who say “She’s very quiet” like it’s a bad thing. One even told me “It’s a concern” as “She never raises her hand”. So fucking what.

My niece is properly shy, and because my mum lives hour away rarely sees her. She ALWAYS points out to her face how shy she is. As someone who was a shy child, this is the worst thing a person can do. I had enough one day and bollocked her (mum not shy niece)

Your description is just like that of my DD! And she gets asked “are you OK?” a lot because she doesn’t join in conversations unless she has something to say. Sends her mad. I’m a verbal diarrhoea prone extrovert but I completely get where she is coming from and I get very cross on her behalf.

Your mum is the issue

Not your DD

Stop going out with your DM so much

That's not really going to fix anything. The problem is with society. Generally speaking, my DD gets a lot more grief over being "shy" than her cousin who is more "outgoing". The amount of people that look sympathetically at me and say "ahh is she a bit shy". Eh no, she just has never met you before in her life! We had a while there where my daughter would come home after being out and about and say "I didn't talk to that woman, I was just a bit shy" in a tone that was part sad, part worry she was doing something wrong. We were constantly reassuring her and it was because of the tone and words used by the people we had met.

Yes but depending on their age children DO need to learn to engage with people they’ve never met before in their life. At work or volunteering or a million other social situations, talking to strangers in an appropriate context is a life skill and many people never learn to do that and are considered (or consider themselves) shy as a result. Yes you don’t want your 5 year old walking off with a strange man in the park. No you don’t want your 16 year old getting the boot from their first job because they can’t engage with customers, or not getting the help they need because they don’t know how to speak to a doctor or school welfare person etc.

@WitcheryDivine and that is a skill we will teach her over time, but at the moment my 2 year old doesn't need to be forced to high five strangers and be made feel bad because she doesn't want to

Edit to add funnily enough she is great at places like the doctors

This is silly. Surely the children will learn that they might need to speak to the new teacher or they won't receive help because nobody knows they didn't understand xyz, but don't need to speak to the woman in the park. The child in question isn't even three. Let them be who they are.

'shy' people don't fear speaking to people, only anxious people do. 'shy' people just don't have a desire to chat up anyone or everyone for silly BS. I greatly admire the well grounded more reserved managers at my work who when they speak you can be sure something meaningful is coming out of their mouths. That is usually because they have observed well and aren't obsessed with coming across a certain way/sounding smart/important.

Absolutely of course she doesn’t, great to learn where she can be more comfortable speaking to people. Sounds like you’re doing a good job.

@Twatalert no one on here is criticising people for being quiet, so let’s not trot out this idea that non-quiet people are universally gabby gasbags. There is a happy medium and if you want respect it ought to go both ways.

@WitcheryDivine oh come on, you said children need to learn to engage with people they have never met before like that's got anything to do with being quiet (I'm not even calling it shy anymore) or reserved as a child. Its insinnuating that shy or quiet people have an issue chatting to strangers, which is so far from the truth. Many just don't care about anything other than necessary or deep conversations, also because it drains them (unlike extroverts). You are equating shyness with being anxious talking to people which isn't the same. There are also plenty of jobs that don't involve a huge amount of social interaction.

You should try and put a stop to your mum saying stuff like that in front of her. She deserves to grow up being totally accepted for who she is. Sad that her own grandparent can't do that. It will dent her confidence to grow up feeling she's lacking in some way and spoil the relationship she has with her grandma.

I totallly understand how you feel. You feel defensive as a parent, it feels like a criticism of their personality, when you love them unconditionally. And actually, it's a really quite mean of an adult to take that "I'm sorry, how embarrassing" stance towards any child. My inlaws were the same with DS1. I mean, he's 21 now but he's always been a quiet observer. Studies things very carefully and thinks deeply about situations. Is reserved until you get to know him. I used to get "ooh isn't he serious!?" off the inlaws when he was only 1, and they'd say it in a frowny kind of way. He never fitted their stereotypical view of how a child should be. DS2 did so and they were more comfortable with him, making daft jokes and doing the usual "banter" with him, which DS2 was happy to play up to. Whereas I think DS1 used to inwardly roll his eyes. They just didn't "get" him like my mum and dad did and consequently he doesn't seek out their company now really.

All the way through primary his targets were "he needs to speak up more in class discussions" etc. I am forever grateful to his Year 4 teacher who "got him", and I'm convinced that she had coached DS about speaking extra loudly and clearly during a class assembly (as he is naturally a very quietly spoken person).. I'd never been so proud during that assembly when out came this great booming and steady voice so that you could hear every word - it gave him lots of confidence as he got a laugh from the audience in response to his quip.

As a PP said, it got a bit better at secondary school as it was obvious that DS1 was actually very very clever and understood everything he was taught. They were kind at explaining to him and us at parents' evening that they totally understood that his personality was naturally on the quiet, observant side, but that they HAD to get answers from him in class to check his understanding and actually that sometimes as he was the only person in class who they knew had the right answer they'd have no choice but to ask him.

DS is 21 now. Is at Oxbridge, on one of the most difficult courses in the world, is near the top of his year and has just secured an amazing internship which should stand him in good stead to have a fanastic career. He will be surrounded by fellow nerds, all being paid very nicely for their unique abilities. And has a lovely girlfriend too. So his quiet, thoughtful nature has done him no harm whatsoever!

As others on this thread have said, it takes all sorts to make a world.

Keep being her cheerleader. As long as she grows up with inner confidence she will be able to display whatever personality she wishes to the world.

I'm pretty sure my DD did the same course as CurlyHairedAssassins a few years before!