Daughter touching herself in school aibu to think this is related to teachers and the bullying?

[Zd24]

Hi so long story, sorry.
my daughter is 9 and currently in year 4.
shes bright, always loved school and her teachers have always loved her. Never had a problem and never heard anything bad about her from anyone always nothing but praise. In September starts year 4, within the first week is having a couple of girls coming up to her saying horrible things, dd tells her teacher numerous times in the first 1 week of year 4 that these couple of girls where being unkind and it was upsetting her, nothing was done. The next week dd again went a couple of times to a number of different teachers and again nothing was done. I went in myself to speak to a teacher on the 2nd week of year 4 as my daughter came out of school hysterical from comments about her skin colour and body hair ( dd is half Pakistani so naturally very dark thick hair and tanned skin, she is absolutely beautiful!) the school isn’t mixed, we are one of the only Muslim families.things seemed to calm down for a couple of weeks, I will mention these unkind comments and problems with these same couple of girls started towards the end of year 3 but dd had always been managed to resolve them by herself. Fast forward to October 2023 parents evening, I go in expecting to hear nothing but good things about dd as usual, I did get the usual, she’s very bright and polite, then the teacher started saying “ oh and she’s still touching herself” I laughed for a minute then it hit me and I said “what??” As I’ve never ever heard this before. She said “ oh she’s still touching herself under tables and we have to keep reminding her school isn’t the place” I said “ no one has ever brought this up to me before and I have never been told this before” she said “ oh I’m sorry, I thought you knew, she was doing it in year 3 too, sorry if there has been miscommunication “ I didn’t really like this teachers tone and got an off feeling from her right from the get go, my daughter had an extremely good close relationship with her previous year 3 teacher and I got on well with that teacher and she never even once mentioned this to me so I didn’t know what to believe. I asked dd, she said she does do it sometimes, doesn’t put her hands down her tights just rubs on the outside of her tights, I obviously told her this wasn’t ok to be doing at school and she broke down crying saying she doesn’t know she does it and it’s because she’s stressed and so unhappy at school and that she constantly tells teachers, numerous different teachers but nothing ever gets done and that she just wants to enjoy school and wants to be left alone but she can’t cope with it. I spoke to her teacher and even the headteacher and was told it got sorted. Heard nothing since October but my daughter has still been coming home nearly every day from school saying she dislikes her teacher, that she seems to just hate her and she always seems to have a problem with her, and also complaining numerous times a week that she is getting bullied, isn’t happy, that she’s reported it too a number of different teachers but nothing gets done, this is almost daily she comes out of school complaining about her teacher not seeming to like her and the same 2 couple of girls. Today I get a phone call from the debuty headteacher and I naturally panic, she told me my daughter was ok but she has to call me because my daughter is still touching herself under tables and I need to discuss with her that this isn’t appropriate behaviour, I told the teacher I have spoke to her in October when the teacher spoke to me and that my daughter broke down and told me she is stressed and it helps her calm down because she’s unhappy at school, I told her I told my daughter this was wrong and she shouldn’t be doing this at school no matter the reason but we’d try and get this sorted. I told her my daughter is getting bullied and not happy at school and that she is coming home every day complaining, she has told me she will speak to my daughter and investigate into this but I just don’t know what to do.

Ive been crying all morning, the teacher said to me in the past that she does it under tables so is the teacher just looking at my daughter under tables or is she doing her job of teaching for her to be keep saying this?I don’t get it.

im waiting till dd gets out of school to hear her side of the story but she is complaining about her teacher and the same 2 couple of girls daily. Should I be taking this further? Im so upset, does anyone have any advice of what I should do?

I think you are trying to link two separate issues here .

She doesn’t do this at all at home, never has. When I confronted my daughter she told me she can’t help it and she does it because she’s stressed from the bullying because she is so unhappy at school and nothing ever gets better for her. That’s why I’m linking the issues because she has told me this is why.

Can you find a new school for your DD? It sounds like a fresh start might be better for her?

Speak to the school about the bullying, but the touching herself isn't their issue to resolve, it's yours. You need to take her to see your GP and rule out anything medical first. You also need to explain to them she might be doing this to self soothe if stressed. It is not the schools responsibility at all though, and you appear to have completely ignored it!

Can you tell the teacher your daughter will bring in a fidget toy (noiseless) to school to calm her anxiety without reverting to touch her self under the table? She clearly needs something to fidget with to calm her anxiety.

Secondly, ask for a meeting with everyone to discuss the bullying of your daughter and ask them what they are planning to do about it.

Your daughter is clearly anxious : stay calm reassure her that you will sort this out.

I agree you need to redirect the behaviour, a fidget toy or soft toy - something that brings her comfort to touch, you might need to try a couple of different things. This doesn't sound sexual, so much as anxiety driven.

The school also need to come down hard on the bullying and if they're not going to then I'd look at an alternative school, if possible.

You might also want to consider child counselling to help her manage her feelings.

I think you need to teach her a different way of self soothing. The smiling minds app is really a good way of learning mindfulness/ meditation. It's not appropriate for her to be touching herself at school. I worry about safeguarding. Does your daughter know the pants rule? Pantisauraus? I think if she's being bullied at school you need to keep a long of every incident and raise it with the school. Alternatively, you might want to consider moving her.

I'm afraid if you don't get her tovstop this at school immediately at her age this will lead to far more and worse bullying. Maybe a new school would help too

Ok firstly I would absolutely change your daughters school. I despise the initial way the teacher broached the subject with you and think it quite disgusting. Take your daughter to another school. I sense bias in their attitude. Don't subject your daughter to any more racially motivated bullying. Being darker skinned in a world that values fair skin is hard enough to deal with.

Secondly: you are overreacting about the touching self thing to a degree.

I used to do it at the same age. It isn't that unusual, I discovered it felt good. Most kids will have this discovery. The problem is the setting, and also the using it as an involuntary reflex to stress.

You can have a really nice mother to daughter talk about why it feels good and the proper context around it. - Don't make your daughter feel it's awful or wrong or dirty. It's bad enough that teachers have noticed. Address that it shouldn't be being used as a stress reflex. Buy her a widget or some other sensory thing she can play with or use during class when stressed. I gave my ADHD sons rubber bands and a spinning top.

Have your daughter's back and remove her from the environment that is negatively affecting her as well as being somewhat embarrassing now.

Did you read my post? How have I ignored it ? When the teacher made me aware I had a long conversation with my daughter about how this is not acceptable to do in school regardless of why she is doing it. She told me she would stop and promised me she had and that we would get the other bullying issues solved. I haven’t ignored her issues, I’ve spoken to her at the time the teacher told me this and I have spoken to the teachers many times since about the bullying and so has my daughter. It’s not my fault that they are not doing anything to try and help solve this problem. They can keep calling me complaining about my daughter touching herself when I have done my best and spoke to her about it yet they act shocked and cannot seem to raise the issue about the bullying when my daughter and myself are telling them numerous times a week.

I'm surprised the school hasn't raised this as a safeguarding issue. She's 9 not a 5 year old having a fiddle during storytime which is really common.

Keep a record of the bullying
Who did it and who witnessed it
What they did
When when they did it
Where did it happen
How did it make your daughter feel and what was the impact.
You need to read their bullying policy and ask how they are implementing it with regard to your daughter.
Take out a hughlighter and highlight how they are failing to meet their own policy.
You need to do everything in writing.

With regards to your daughter unfortunately a chat isn't going to do it. You need to talk again. You need to support her to find alternative ways of calming down. I mentioned smiling minds already. Headspace is also good. You need to find her counselling because she's clearly highly anxious.

They should absolutely raise it as a safeguarding issue. I'm surprised they haven't as well.

How haven't you ignored it? It's been going on for months. Have you took her to see a GP? Have you had it ruled out that it's neither medical nor potential SA has happened? You keep pushing the blame back on to the school without accepting any responsibility to parent her.

Hi all,
We have moved this thread to our Parenting forum as AIBU was not the place for it. Thanks to all who flagged it.

Take her out of this situation and move her to a new school. She has been miserable there for a long time and there's no sign of anything being done to improve things for her. She needs a fresh start.

She has been checked by the gp hence the reason I am bringing it back to school. She is getting severely bullied and she is telling me this is why she does it as a form of coping with what’s going on at school.She doesn’t do this behaviour at home.
it obviously has everything to do with the school too when the teacher can take this issue to the deputy headteacher yet fail to Inform the deputy head that my daughter is also getting quite badly bullied.

she only started doing this when the bullying started and has only been reported to me since the bullying has started again with the fact my daughter is telling me this is the reason why she does it because she’s stressed and unhappy and at school and it helps her cope and feel less stressed. As I said, I’ve told her this is not OK to do at school regardless of what issues are going on but I am obviously also on my daughters side when these issues only started at the same time of the bullying and she’s telling me this is the reason why.

if it was your child and nothing was being done at school yet they only raise to me one side of the issue and not the full story wouldn’t you be putting blame on the school for not taking this serious enough? It’s not just bullying she has had racial comments. I obviously don’t want my daughter to start self harming in other ways if this continues as she has already been caught shaving her arms and legs when she had the racial comments and comments about her body her and her being “hairy” how is any of this acceptable and shouldn’t be linked?

she is on a waiting list for another school but I am going to start looking at other options today.

Forgot to add, I also found a school class photo of dd hidden in her room and she has scratched the girls faces out. I have taken a picture of this and will be showing the school

I wouldn't take the photo as this could be used against your DD. Keep it factual and plain. Email the governors as well.

Many kids learn how to masturbate in their own way from a young age often by accident, and do use it as a comfort. If you've not noticed it at home then you can't blame yourself for not knowing.
It just needs to be gently taught that you don't do that in front of others, only privately. Not that it's shameful or disgusting.
I remember I used to do it, basically rubbing myself against the chair, so not using my hands. It used to get called 'wriggling'. I didn't know what it meant, just that it felt good, but I did soon learn it was private.
So there's nothing wrong with her whatsoever.

This is good advice. I’d also consider other schools

I’d just get her out immediately , even if she needs to be at home until you find another place. Phone education welfare yourself and tell them that you aren’t sending her as school can’t keep her safe. Don’t take her off roll though.

School don’t care: they are failing your DD and you and talking a photo in will make no difference, just take her away from them.

Did the GP suggest anything to help? Did you discuss the bullying with the GP? What did your daughter tell the GP about why she is doing it?

Don't do this OP please. You have to protect your daughter.

Im sorry if this was covered. Are you sure there is no issue such as ADHD or Autism. Because she is finding mechanisms to self soothe and I automatically wonder if there are additional issue making this harder.

If you go in guns blazing the school will turn on you. I think this school is not right for her but you have to play this game with them for now. You have to say ' can you help please. Can you suggest any support you might be able to give her please '.

You need to really consider if she needs assessment for additional struggles. You cannot trust the school to tell you if she is Autistic or ADHD. They often miss it. You can however ask them if they think it's worth exploring. A new school won't help if she is.

This was my initial thought. I've worked it education for years and this would certainly be raised as a safeguarding issue.

OP, I am not saying you are in anyway behaving inappropriately with your daughter, but is there a chance somebody else might be? I think it most probably is a self-southing habit, but you cannot rule out other possibilities too.