What am I doing wrong - bedtimes?

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I am at my wits end with my 10 month olds sleep. For over a month it’s been terrible - multiple wake ups including some that last 3+ hours, skipped naps, short naps, everything that could go wrong has. The big problem for me now is bed times which are taking up to 5 hours (no exaggeration!!)

Today for example he woke at 6.30am, settled for his first nap easily at about 9.15 and slept for over an hour and a half, awake by 11. I then tried to put him down for his second nap at 1.30. This is probably a bit too early but I have the school run so is the only way to get a sensible nap in. He took an hour to settle, then I had to wake him for school run after half an hour at 3pm.

by 6.30 (when I normally start bedtime) he was looking really tired and he fell asleep in about 5 minutes. For 15 minutes. And has now been awake another hour. Last night he took 3 hours from initially starting bedtime to go to sleep. One day last week it took 5 hours. Shouldn’t he be exhausted by 11.30om when he’s been awake over 8 hours at this point?!?

It’s ruining our evenings and to be honest making life pretty unbearable. I’m crying during most bed/nap times as I just don’t know what to do, and literally feel sick at the thought of trying to get him to sleep. Sometimes he’s wide awake and perfectly happy. Others he’s screaming inconsolably whether left, rocked, cuddled. I can’t deal with hearing any more screaming.

I think you need the 2/3/4 nap gaps (although that never worked for mine I think it was more 3/3.5/4.5) . If my babies nap was going to run into the school run I would put them down in the pram and pop blankets on as we left. Hope this helps!
also I think that first nap maybe too long but I could be wrong!

To add - I think school run is right where he ideally needs his second nap but I don’t know what to do about that. He doesn’t transfer from cot to pram/car seat and if I put him in his pram he doesn’t generally fall asleep, so I try to squeeze it in before I leave.

making bedtime later is hard due to having an older daughter and not wanting her to go to bed any later. The baby needs me to feed him, and my daughter likes me to do her stories so although I have a husband getting him to take over one of these parts is tricky. I could insist he does stories but all 3 of us would prefer I did it! Plus he used to make dinner while I did stores…now he is generally rocking the baby, mostly with no success.

If it's taking that long to get him down, you may be trying too early. I've found by putting my boy down a bit later bedtimes are much easier. Could he nap on the school run?
You have my sympathies.. its awful but will get better!

This would be the ideal solution but it’s basically impossible to get the pram in the house (it lives in the car) so I can’t really put him in it til we are ready to go. Also if it’s raining I use the car. Plus, he almost never falls asleep in the pram. The times I’ve tried this we’ve got home at almost 4pm and he still hasn’t napped!

Can you cap his morning nap at an hour so he is up by 10 and ready to go back to sleep at 1.30pm (or whatever numbers suit you best)

6:30 is a very early bedtime for a 10 month old - try later like 7:30. Keep him awake and entertained until then. None of my friends settle their babies that early. By 11:30 he's overtired because you've tried settling him too early.

However I will caveat this with some babies are just not good sleepers.

Maybe this is worth a try. I’m always nervous about waking him though cos what if his second nap is then crap/non existent? I try to take sleep where I can 😂
tomorrow to be fair I have plans which will mean waking up from this nap earlier so we will see if that helps…

He is honestly just such a mess by 6.30 most nights, he seems so tired. Generally this would be 4 hours after his last nap ended, which most people seem to suggest is about right? But then either he falls asleep quickly and wakes up after a short while, or he then loses all sense of tiredness as soon as I attempt to get him to sleep! I was out until 6.45 the other day - my husband was really struggling to keep him happy because he was so tired. That was the night he then took until 11.30 to go to sleep 🙄🙄🙄

The other issue is the other child. For a while we had it down so that bedtime could basically be done by one person - baby down, older child stories then tuck them in. If they’re both up until 7.30 it will be so stressful as he will be a mess, and she won’t get any quality story time and will go to bed upset. I do think a lot of my issues are around the fact he’s not an only child and has to fit in with an older one. You’re probably right, I need to find a way to make a later bedtime work.

Can you just do much late bedtime for baby?
At that age I let Ds have a short 30-45 min nap around 5pm. Meant I could prep dinner in peace. Then I just took him up around 9pm with me and would get myself ready for bed then also, so if he fed for age so was comfy in bed with kindle feeding him.

That way baby can just stay downstairs with whoever isn’t reading to older child

I only shifted to 8pm ish bedtime when I stopped feeding to sleep around 18 months

We've got two. One parent does each kids bedtime. My friends who do two still settle the baby later than 6:30 as the baby can join part of the older child's routine. You'll save time as you won't be settling them for 5 hours.

I was going to suggest this! I have a 9.5 month old and a 6 year old so have schools runs to consider and this is his routine

8am - wake up

10.30/11am - nap

12.30pm - wake up

3.45/4pm - nap

5.45pm latest - wake up

8pm/8.30pm - bottle and settle for bed

My 6 year old goes to bed at 7.30pm and of my husband isn't here I just take ds up with me!

X

I suppose a much later bedtime is also a possibility, certainly seems to be the one the baby seems keen on right now 😂😂

How do people cope with just not having an evening though? Both my husband and I are really struggling at the moment with parenting, having a couple of hours to ourselves in the evening to watch tv, chill, chat, play a game etc is all that makes life worth living to be honest. The thought of being up at 7 to get first child to school and not putting the baby down to bed until 9pm makes me want to cry!

I think 9 something is very early for a nap for a 10 month old. Usually the main nap is more over lunch time at this age, so 11-1. Then he may not need the afternoon nap. Or could have a short one after the school run.

Agree that 6:30pm is very early. We were only really getting home from work at 5:30pm at that age. Bedtime has always been later in our house. Unfortunately, with two, even each taking one, we don’t get much time together. It doesn’t get easier! Ours are older now and not really asleep before 10pm and still need guidance and a chat before bed. We read next to each other in bed for 10 minutes and that’s about it. 😂

It sounds like your current routine just isn't working, and if you've got no way to get that second nap later, or you don't want a later bedtime (and I'm with you on wanting to keep some actual adult time in the evening!), then I would try and enforce a one nap routine and see what that does. I had similar issues around pick up times clashing with the second nap with my DS and I worked on getting him a 2 hour nap in the day instead. Ten months isn't crazily early to enforce this, but it may need to be started at 10.30/11 to begin with, pushing it later and later towards a midday start as the new routine establishes itself. That way you keep the 'earlier' bedtime and have some space for you in the evening too. Worth a try given the current situation doesn't seem like it's working for anyone

At that age I did a late morning nap of 90 minutes max and a cat nap around 3 pm for 20 minutes and bed time was later than yours. My DC slept for 12 hours at this age. About a month later I merged the naps to around 12.30 to 2.

The thought of being up at 7 to get first child to school and not putting the baby down to bed until 9pm makes me want to cry!

If a later bed time works you can then start bringing it forward by a couple of minutes a day.

Thanks everyone…lots to think about. He went down a little easier tonight (only 2 hours…!) so I’m feeling a bit less tearful and stressed about it all. Will have a think and discussion with husband about what to change.

My sister had this issue with her youngest (although not as extreme). She went against all traditional wisdom and basically dropped the morning nap to aim for an 11am long nap and up in time for the school run. It worked really well for her son and they now have a good routine of a solid 2 hour nap in the middle of the day and a late cat nap (15/20 mins) if for any reason the nap wasn't long enough.

Maybe try one nap a day and a dream feed? Consistency is key too; there are many sleep regressions.

Agree 6.30pm too early for bed, ideally more like 7.30pm.How long is your school run? Do you walk or go by car?

Could you make the school run into a short nap?

I did 6.30pm bedtimes when all naps stopped.

I don't know if it will help with the later baby bedtime, but if you're not, and you can, try having your evening meal all together. Will save time on the cooking when settling the kids and the clear up after. Perhaps you could introduce the concept of a family bedtime story with the older one. So dinner, clear up, baths for kids, pile in for story time, swap who settles who at bedtime at 7.30 a voila! Adult time from 8pm x

There's usually a regression around 8 months so if this has been happening for a month it could well be that.

I would settle them for the school run time nap in their pram and move bedtime later.

My youngest was like this, it may even be a growth spurt that's usually when their sleeping routine goes a bit pear shape x