Not what I hoped for.

[Rach7291]

Please no judgement!
We tried for 5 years for DD. She’s our little miracle after being told i’d never have a baby. I love her more than anything but I’m not enjoying being a parent at all. She is such hard work. She cries and whines all day long. Nothing seems to make her happy. I can’t get anything done during the day because she will not sit and play alone or watch me do stuff if I take her with me. Sometimes I really regret having a baby, because this is just awful. Everyone else seems to have really happy, chilled babies and mine is just so grumpy. I’m always hoping with each month that goes by, it will get better but it just gets worse. I can’t cope with it anymore. I have no support, no family or friends. Nobody bothers with us and i’m so lonely which makes it even harder to cope with. I’ve tried baby groups but DD just screams and cries the whole way through so i’ve stopped going. I feel like having a baby has ruined my life and I hate that. Being a mum is all I ever dreamed of and its not what I expected at all.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling OP, how old is she? X

I felt the same as you OP.

However, It was great for the first 4- 6 weeks and I was congratulating myself on what a stellar parent I must be.....then it got hard, REALLY hard.

Mine whinged and moaned and cried and fussed and then as he got older started to get really frustrated by pretty much everything! Throwing things, screaming all day long etc. He needed constant stimulation and would fight sleep at every turn. It was exhausting.

I also had very limited family help.

There were many times I had deep regret and wished I'd never had him.

You need to remember that everything is a phase. They are constantly evolving and changing. So, you might have a really shit few weeks and then just like that, you'll have a good few weeks. It goes up and down like that I'm afraid.

Mine is now 10. The baby years are long gone and now we face different challenges but my god, nothing as bad as the baby/pre school years.

You will get through this. It won't be like this forever. I appreciate that doesn't offer you any practical solution because often there isn't one. It's just something that we have to endure. But, your life will NOT always be like this I promise.

@Mrsttcno1 shes 7.5 months now. This stage is the worst so far!

@PitchOver thank you. I'm glad i'm not alone. I always wanted 2 kids and now I don't think I can do it all again. Its breaking my heart because I want to enjoy this time with her, but i don't know how to get myself out of this

You need support. Forget baby classes, find the ones that meet in a church hall and cost £1 for a cuppa and a biscuit. Usually staffed by mums who've seen it all - chubby happy babies and unsettled ones too. If you keep going every week you'll find some people. Even if it does end up being casual chat about nappies or whatever at least you'll be out of the house. If the baby cries everywhere you might as well be chatting to someone or in the fresh air.
This will pass ❤️

I only had one because I just found it so hard and overwhelming. Best decision we could have made for the sake of my own sanity. I wouldn't have coped if I'd had another like my son!

Which sounds awful because he genuinely is amazing now. But god those early years were beyond tough.

It's different when you have family to help ease the burden too. Just someone to take them for a couple of hours so you can escape for a while. If you don't have that and it's all on you then it becomes extremely difficult.

That stage between mobile and non mobile is tough.

Have you had her seen by a cranial osteopath? It was a game changer for us

Can you go out for walks? Does she like the pram? Are there any pram walks around you?

I found my best friend when dd1 was 11 months she saved my sanity. It was so tough. You are not alone.

Oh I should also add, I had friends with (older) babies who were SO chilled out. They would sit and happily/quietly entertain themselves whilst the mums got on with chores etc. they would sleep anywhere.

it made me feel terrible, that I was doing something wrong, that my child was defective in some way!

I once took mine to (what was supposed to be) a relaxing baby yoga session with calm relaxing music, massage etc. all the other babies were basking in it and mine screamed so much the lady running the class asked me to leave!

Yeah I'd avoid baby classes too for the time being. Which is hard when you just want company but perhaps long walks might be better? Lots of fresh air and things to look at?

I think the first year is the hardest, for me it was the loss of control of my life, no independence and zero free time to myself, with the joy of no sleep.

Are you getting out, if not I found with some fresh air, DC would sleep and I could mentally switch off. I walked in all weathers, even heavy snow. I didn't enjoy the enforced walk, but I wouldn't have coped otherwise.

I also tried to do a group at least 2 x times a week. Look what's on in your local area.

You mentioned you tried 5 years for this baby, where is dad and how is he supporting you ?

I think ivf puts immense pressure on alongside the “enjoy every moment” tribe. I loved dc as babies but my goodness I’m enjoying them as teens far more. We ended up just doing stuff we wanted to do and accepted dc would whine. Keeping busy doing things that suited us worked well.

I agree toddler groups in church/village halls are great. No one cares if baby cries. If you're lucky one of the leaders or other mums take them off for a few minutes so you can have a cuppa.

I assume you've checked to see there is no medical reason for crying - reflux, allergies etc?

Try and get out every day - pram, buggy, sling. Fresh air will do you both good.

She likes the pram so we do go out for walks alot, but as soon as we're back it starts all over again. I have quite bad anxiety aswell which makes it harder.

@Landlubber2019 he is very good and supports me but he works full time. I do get breaks in the evenings when he comes home, but i find the days very long and hard

My daughter is 9 months and the one thing I would say is now she can crawl and is starting to understand toys etc more it is easier because she is happier to play, although obviously harder in that I need eyes in the back of my head! X

Parenting a demanding baby is hard work.
You have to find the glimmers of joy here and there!
Have you thought about going back to work? Having a break from parenting might help you enjoy the time at home more.
I had a baby that didn't enjoy groups and I didn't mesh with the mum crowd either and it felt very lonely - and as you say, not what you were expecting.
I decided just to do my own thing and what kept the baby happier. The days still felt pretty long!
But it did get better and more rewarding. Each stage of development has it's pros and cons. Don't beat yourself up for not swanning around in Instagram friendly bliss - you're doing a great job.

Very wise to just stop at one- We had a very easy, sweet tempered baby ( now grown) and the health visitors used to joke to stick at one as he was so “easy”, and to not rock the boat .

They did say having kids is a lottery , basic temperaments are formed in utero.

Do you have any fun with your baby?
Long walks in a buggy can be fun for them, showing them things.

Babies can get very bored indoors.

It’s tough that first year. Nothing prepares you for it. In my area there is a Monday morning walking group of mums with prams. If she likes being out for a walk and you need company maybe you could see if there is one like that near you?

Also don’t stress about whether or not you want a 2nd now. You can work that out later (for the record, I found it easier 2nd time around purely because I had someone who talked back with me all day - even tho she was only 2)

Parenting is very hard, each stage come with new challenges. I’d like to say it gets easier and it does eventually but I found the toddler stage a lot harder than the baby stage. But you do get used to it, and it’s so amazing watching them grow and develop. What made it easier for me the second time was getting out and about as much as possible with baby and meeting friends with babies too. Forget housework during the day, if you have a clingy baby it’s just not going to happen so don’t put pressure on yourself. Find supportive baby groups. Get your DH to help with bedtime when he gets home then tackle housework together. Have a lie in each at the weekend.

I remember that age being really difficult.

Do you drive? I used to just go out with the baby for long drives like 2 hours round the countryside, it helped me so much to have that distance from her and to be driving around somewhere pretty, and they would fall asleep. I remember that saving my sanity at some points. I’d go to coffee drive thrus too.

My lovely friend ( I’m on my way to spend weekend with her now) I met at baby group
( our DC are grown now)
She was so Diligent, read all the books on child rearing, cooked from scratch, and said “ your baby is so EASY! It’s not fair!”

It really isn’t fair. She put a lot more effort in to understanding babies than I did.
I used to look after twins for a neighbour and those little ones were polar opposites!.

Some babies are happy to entertain themselves and play happily with mum and others are just much more demanding.

7.5 months is hard! I found 4 months to walking age really difficult with both of mine. Then walking to 2 and a half amazing! And then the terrible twos hit 😫

Buggy walk are great. Do you have any friends who would go for a walk with you? Or listen to an audiobook? Babies are so full on, time for yourself too is so important to recharge

Get help for your anxiety, and get back to work early if you find the idea appealing — I certainly found parenting suddenly ‘clicked’ once I did. (Also grumpy, high-needs baby, now a wonderful 12 year old.)

I never really suffered from anxiety pre child. But it spiralled once I had my son. I think it was being constantly on edge and listening to the constant crying/whinging. My nerves were shot to pieces.

Anyway I do have one little practical piece of advice that might help take the edge off. Ear plugs during the day. Obviously you can still hear them (you'd have heard mine from 3 houses away), but it deadens the sound and makes it more tolerable.

Also if it helps, there are regularly posts from frazzled mums whose babies are bloody hard work. It happens to a lot of people. You're not alone

Very normal - and understandably harder when you’ve been through so much to get here.
Great suggestions from others. Also worth looking into a gym with crèche, or even an early phased start at nursery if you are planning on going back to work (which I found a lifesaver since I did not enjoy baby phase). Starting before separation anxiety kicks in can be helpful!
I struggled lots in both baby phases, and a decade on my kids are now the greatest joy in my life. It has gotten better every year from about 1 year old. They’re awesome, and they just objectively weren’t when they were fractious unsettled babies!

Yeah same babies are just like this. My first had cmpa, severe reflux, milk refusal until 9 months, and didn't start solids until almost 2. He never slept, never kept still, and was just a whiney emotional nightmare. Totally broke me, I'm still taking the sertraline. He's 6 now and while he still doesn't sleep through (!!!) the whining has very much calmed down and he is mostly lovely, and often exceptionally sweet.

We had our second when ds turned 3, and she is his polar opposite, and no health or feeding issues. Such a happy little sack of potatoes, and one who read the baby books. I felt very smug, and very relieved 😅 Having her made me realise that some people really do enjoy the baby bubble, I'd thought they were lying before! She's just turned 3 and she's still easy tbh, plays a lot by herself, or wants to have nice easy tea parties or brush my hair etc.

I'd like a third, but not only can we not afford it, I could never risk having another like ds. We wouldn't manage.

@Rach7291 Some babies are just nightmares. Take pics when they look cute or are sleeping, and just power through. She'll be a lovely little girl in time :) Go to the Dr if you feel low, take care of yourself.