DD struggling at school

[Ladylorax]

Dd has been struggling with friendships at school for a while, have spoken to the teachers and head a number of times but they haven’t really done anything or helped at all. I understand why there isn’t much they can do to make the other kids include my dd in playground activities, especially now she is in yr6 but I feel that when the school can support, they don’t.

They have a school trip coming up, the only residential trip that the school runs and they have allowed the kids to all select the dorm rooms with their friends. While most of the kids are happy as they are with friends my daughter has been put into a room with one other girl, who has said that she isn’t going anymore, leaving my daughter on her own.

I phoned today and spoke to the teacher who said he found it better to allow kids to chose their own rooms and be with their friends, but accepted that for children like mine it made everything harder. He said it was too late to change anything now and offered no alternative solutions.

The kids have all been told they are allowed parties in their rooms in the evening provided these are controlled (again confirmed by teacher that with conditions this is allowed) so again my dd is missing out.

Any ideas on how to approach the school?

I just don’t understand why my dd is struggling so much at school. She’s bright, kind and bubbly and does lots of clubs where she gets on well with other kids. I’ve tried inviting lots of her class over for play dates and when they happen the kids seem to have had fun, but the invites are never returned and mostly the parents say the kids are busy when I keep inviting them.

I keep telling her that there is only a few months left of primary school and that everything will change soon, but the lack of friends has really started to impact her and her confidence so I’m really worried that this will prevent her making friends at high school too.

Poor lass - I have three adult DDs and know how this can happen a lot with girls. They find it very upsetting and it is painful to watch.

It is disappointing that the school feel there is nothing they can do and are happy to leave one child on their own on the residential. That is wrong. I think they should be taking steps to redistribute the children's sleeping arrangements. They have the power to do so and just have to say that they have taken the decision to do this - the children will just have to suck it up. They cannot turn a blind eye to this.

By the way my girls were lovely people, but it just seems that this happens sometimes - little gangs form and some get left out. They have loads of friends as adults; but this is very hard when it is happening. The school should be getting a grip in this. It is not too late to change it. I would speak to the head of year or head, depending on the size of school.

They surely can't leave her on her own in a room?! I would go back to the school on this.

I am genuinely asking - what would you like the school to do? You admit there isn’t much they can do and you have spoken to the teacher and the head but it isn’t enough so again what would you like them to do?

Also while it’s really unfortunate that your daughter’s roommate is now not going. What would you like the school to do? Take another kid from another room so that your daughter’s roommate is now has a roommate but another kid now doesn’t?

I get it’s hard and you have made good efforts but you can’t force kids to be friends and forcing kids to play with your daughter won’t exactly endear her to them.

Senior school will be her time. Unfortunately that time isn’t now.

Absolutely this. What a shockingly awful response from the school. Do they not give a shit about one child being totally excluded? Not ok. I’d be ‘that’ parent or ask for my money back and say she’ll be ‘sick’ that week.

Ask them to put her mattress in another room. It is inhumane to expect her to bunk on her own while they all have room parties.

To leave her on her own isn't acceptable / at one of ours they loosely let the kids pick but intervened and split a few groups up so no one was left out, and second time they picked rooms for the them

Surely they can't expect your DD to room alone and miss all the parties.

I would have thought that the school would anticipate this happening and managed the rooms so that no child was excluded in the first place. When I went on residentials at school the teachers selected the rooms we were in to prevent such issues. Do you think it’s wrong to expect the teachers to manage such things?!

Thanks for the helpful comments though.

i would expect the rooms to be redistributed. It is not acceptable to have one child on their own whilst the others are having parties in their rooms.

But you haven’t answered the question about the playground.

And as for the trip If the rooms are two kids per room and an odd number of kids are going how would the school sort that?

You might not like my comment but it’s a fair question.

Unless your daughter has specifically said she wants to be alone, then the school are being out of order. Of course they can do something about it, it’s highly unlikely that there isn’t a spare bed in one of the other girls dorms. I cannot imagine my child’s primary school ever acting in this way and leaving one child alone. The teacher(s) just sound like they cba.

It isn’t inhumane as a PP said, but it’s not fair and no child should be alone in a room when others are not. The school need to reorganise the sleeping situation, they dictate it the children don’t and actually these residentials are a great way to bond with others that they wouldn’t usually associate with.

The room thing needs to be sorted, that is utterly ridiculous. I’d go back to the school on that. For my kid’s residentials they were allowed to choose one or two friends they’d like to be with and the teachers sorted the rooms accordingly so they were at least with one person they chose.

The school absolutely need to sort it so she is not alone. Yes the school can give the kids choice but that cannot mean leaving one child out completely.

The rooms aren’t 2 person rooms - they are dorm rooms of varying sizes - most of the girls are in rooms of 4.

As for the playground I really don’t know - I’m not a teacher but was expecting that the school would have ways of supporting children who are struggling- I’ve read a bit about other schools who do help by mixing up friendship groups in the classroom. I was hoping for advice really - things that other schools have done that have helped.

So while you might find your question fair it just feels like unnecessary criticism.

I’ve taken Y6 children on residentials many times and this seems completely wrong to me. Have you spoken to the headteacher about it?

I very much doubt one would be left alone.

Thanks for all the comments, I will go back and talk to the head teacher. I’ve only spoken to her class teacher so far - but he is deputy head.

My daughter doesn’t want to be in a room on her own - she wants to be in a room with others and definitely hasn’t requested a room on her own!

I agree with you on the rooms as they can distribute children more fairly.

it feels like unnecessary criticism because you want the school to fix a potentially unsolvable problem. This was my point. Again I get you don’t like your daughter doesn’t have any friends but you can’t force kids to be friends at 10/11 years old. Do you really want kids forced to play with your daughter and resent it? Because if that happens they may then be mean to her. Yeah the school can do this and maybe they have and maybe the other kids aren’t receptive.

I am suggesting to you if kids play with your daughter and don’t invite her back and don’t respond to your playdate requests they may not want to play with your daughter. It sucks and it’s hard but it might be the truth. It doesn’t mean your daughter isn’t awesome or a great kid but sometimes kids just don’t gel. Again how do you want the school to fix that when you haven’t tried and it hasn’t worked either.

You are doing the right thing, I work in a school and you aren’t being precious, your daughter needs you to advocate for her as you clearly are! Good luck with it and stand firm x

Literally going through an almost identical situation over here with friendships in y6 and very worried about the upcoming residential.
Schools are supposed to be inclusive. There’s no way they can let her be in a room alone. They need to sort it out.

I would consider if she has any sen traits.
But it may just be a small school.
However dd moved up to secondary with one friend (dd awaiting asd diagnosis) and it has been an issue as dd is dependent on them and hasnt made any new friends. Most of primary school kids have stuck with their primary friends.
It may be your dd has different interests so make sure she makes an effort to go to the school clubs that shes interested in.

That’s awful. We are going through semi similar issues at school but slightly younger. My child seems generally well liked but never picked to go for play dates etc. Invites aren’t returned etc.

School putting her in a room on her own is AWFUL and probably says a lot about their ethos.

Definitely push back on the room thing. Tbh aside from the friendships issue, it strikes me as a safety risk to have a child in a room in a strange place on her own, in addition to her potentially being scared and lonely.

In particular, I'd ask to see a risk assessment for your DD sleeping in a room on her own.

My dd sailed through primary but year 5 is when the friendship issues started.
No child should be left alone, your poor dd - def go to the Head

Sorry year 6