DD struggling at school

[Ladylorax]

Dd has been struggling with friendships at school for a while, have spoken to the teachers and head a number of times but they haven’t really done anything or helped at all. I understand why there isn’t much they can do to make the other kids include my dd in playground activities, especially now she is in yr6 but I feel that when the school can support, they don’t.

They have a school trip coming up, the only residential trip that the school runs and they have allowed the kids to all select the dorm rooms with their friends. While most of the kids are happy as they are with friends my daughter has been put into a room with one other girl, who has said that she isn’t going anymore, leaving my daughter on her own.

I phoned today and spoke to the teacher who said he found it better to allow kids to chose their own rooms and be with their friends, but accepted that for children like mine it made everything harder. He said it was too late to change anything now and offered no alternative solutions.

The kids have all been told they are allowed parties in their rooms in the evening provided these are controlled (again confirmed by teacher that with conditions this is allowed) so again my dd is missing out.

Any ideas on how to approach the school?

I just don’t understand why my dd is struggling so much at school. She’s bright, kind and bubbly and does lots of clubs where she gets on well with other kids. I’ve tried inviting lots of her class over for play dates and when they happen the kids seem to have had fun, but the invites are never returned and mostly the parents say the kids are busy when I keep inviting them.

I keep telling her that there is only a few months left of primary school and that everything will change soon, but the lack of friends has really started to impact her and her confidence so I’m really worried that this will prevent her making friends at high school too.

Oh OP, this is so cruel of the school and I would absolutely raise hell about it. Ignore the probably former mean girl on this thread

That is totally wrong re the residential dorms.

The way our school does it is the kids write a list of 4 names and they are guaranteed to be with at least one from that list. Otherwise, no promises. This enables the school to ensure some level of fairness - generally nobody is with all their besties, and nobody is with a whole dorm they don’t really get on with). Also to split up any pairs or groups which might cause trouble!

Agree. They’re probably one of the parents that doesn’t return invites.

Regarding the wider issue: are there any school mums you are close to? Could you ask them for a blunt and honest answer as to why your DD has this issue? I know that’s a horrible conversation to have.

It may be there is no reason and she’s just been really unlucky. Or it may be she’s inadvertently doing something that puts people off - if that’s the case, now’s a good time to find out so that you can gently hint her out of it pre senior school.

You’re wrong, the dorms most often house 4 children in two bunks. Absolutely no way should school be expecting a child to be in a room by herself it’s disgusting.

Just ask them how they're going to safeguard your DD properly if she's in a room on her own and I suspect they'll manage to sort out the sleeping arrangements pretty quickly.

My DD really struggled in Y6 of her 1 form intake primary school. The kids had had 7 years together, friendships were quite rigid and set. She sat alone on the coach to the residential, the configuration of rooms meant she was in with others and she deliberately chose a bottom bunk knowing that someone would want the top. Her experience in high school was completely different. She became part of a really nice friendship group with some girls from her primary school and a girl from another school who had felt excluded in her school. She and this girl have been best friends now for several years. She came back from Uni for Christmas and I had to book time with her, she was so busy socialising with school friends including kids from primary school who had gone to different high schools.
If there are not enough beds in the place they are going for everyone to be in a room with others then someone will be alone, and I think this is poor. The parties in the rooms is a stupid idea, particularly as some of the rooms are just doubles. The party should be in the evening for all, and the dorm for sleeping. This is the bit that the teacher should have done differently.
You sound like a lovely calm mum and your daughter will get through this and with resilience, but we're never really happier than our unhappiest child.