Holiday with a toddler, newborn and a mother in law?

[Nokolite]

We are pregnant with baby number 2, due in May. Have a 3 year old boy as well. Decided to go on holiday to US at the end of August as thought that would be enough time for me to recover etc. My husbands mum asked if she can come and stay with us (in Airbnb) for the duration of our stay (11 days) to help with the newborn baby. My husband thought that’s a nice idea but I can’t stand the idea of spending so long with her. She’s very judgemental, criticising us etc and I just want to enjoy my holiday. It’s our first holiday as a family of 4 and i really don’t want other people there. Am I being unreasonable? She has family (sisters and brothers) in that particular place where we are going so when we’ve suggested she could stay at her sisters place she said she either stays with us or she’s not coming at all. That’s a guilt trip as my husband now feels bad to tell her how we feel.
I honestly feel like cancelling the whole thing but also part of me doesn’t want to do it as it’s unfair on our toddler who was looking forward to this trip.
what shall we do?

It’s a big trip with such young kids, no need for extra stress

I literally can’t think of anything worse than subjecting myself to long haul travel, jetlag and changed routines with two under 3 plus a relative you don’t want to be with.

@Nsky62 why did you quote the whole OP?
Yours was literally the first answer, too.

Realistically, you're not going to need help with a newborn, you're going to need help with the toddler who will be running riot, excited to explore new things and not sleeping because of the jet lag.

With respect, I think you are insane to do that trip with such young children.

If you don't want MIL staying with you then fair enough, she will just have to get over it - or stay elsewhere. Don't give in. It's important for people of all ages to learn how to handle feelings of disappointment.

We are not worried about travelling with 2 young babies. Travelled with our soon since he was 2 months old - long haul multiple times plus internal flights etc.
thats the whole thing - my mother in law said she either stays with us or doesn’t go at all. That’s why my husband feels guilty.

Then she doesn't go. You need to set boundaries now or this will only get worse (and where will it end?!).

She has a reasonable alternative (to stay elsewhere) if she decides not to go that is her choice. Nothing for you or your husband to feel guilty about.

Too much

Just too much

• my mother in law said she either stays with us or doesn’t go at all.

^

Fine

Sounds like a threat to me

Why does she need to go with you? Whole thing sounds like a pita tbh why add a mil in

What does she have against her sister? Sounds like your dh should shrug and say ok mum if that’s your choice. you’re not staying with us on this one, but you’re welcome to meet up if you want to stay with your family. We need the accomm we booked to ourselves for quiet mornings or late evenings and night wakes with the baby.

she said she either stays with us or she’s not coming at all.

"Sad you have decided not to come Janet. Hopefully you can catch up with your Sister soon"

Not a chance in hell I'd pay hard earned money for a " holiday" like that.

She’s made her decision then.

“No worries, DH will have a lovely time with his Aunt and we’ll see you when we’re back and both free”.

You’ve made the boundary, now stand firm on it.

Thank you everyone for replies.
I won’t change my mind on this.
Shes used to enforcing her ways on others and my husband always feels bad to say no but no way I can stand her for 11 days, it wouldn’t be holiday but a nightmare.

she also likes to tell my husband how lonely she is and she won’t live for much longer. It’s all emotional guilt trip.

just after reading the title my first thought was ‘stay home’

after reading it i’d say, only go (without MIL) if you really want to.

your 3 year old will have zero memories of this trip (i know from personal experience) and will have as good a time anywhere else closer to home.

Good for you OP, definitely stand your ground. If she chooses to spite herself that is on her.

My MIL has also long used a passive aggressive "Oooohhhh don't worry dear. I'll be DEAD by Christmas anyway. Don't worry about me." in an attempt to manipulate getting her own way. Even my husband is immune to it/lacks sympathy at this point.

Did she by any chance invite herself on your honeymoon, too? She sounds like a nightmare, and your H needs therapy. Stand firm.

God she sounds like my MIL.

YABU, at all. I'm also pregnant and have a toddler, we love to travel with him, my in-laws come nowhere near.

I don't know why people get so stressed about traveling with kids.

Snacks, toys, naps. Just be organized. It's no different to doing ANYTHING else with your kids.

Ops comfortable with the travel and that's not what she asked.

But MIL on the other hand. Sounds just like mine. Vindictive and manipulative. She stays with you or she doesn't go? She made her choice. She doesn't go then. Who invites themselves on someone else's holiday.

Stand firm or you'll never have a family holiday alone ever again. And this is for your DH to deal with.

Oh blimey she sounds like my ex’s MiL.

Are you going to this particular area because it’s near to wider family? I can understand why she would then want to come, so she can spend time with DGC and seeing it as more of a “big family visit” rather than a smaller family unit vacation.

You will just have to reiterate the trip is intended as a family holiday, and on this occasion you want to keep it small and don’t need extra help with the kids.

Until you’ve had an overbearing and relentlessly single-minded MiL it’s impossible to know how hard it can be to say No. But also whilst a clear “No” seems harsh, it’s often the only way to get the message over. Don’t soften it too much. Even “maybe next time…” could make her think there is room to negotiate (ie impose her will!)

The toddler won't be too fussed whatever the outcome.

I would not allow MIL to accompany you.
I would only entertain her travelling with you so that she can visit her relatives for the entire duration.
If she doesn't want to stay with them then she doesn't come.

If she chooses to stay home, offer her a weekend stay after you get back so she can catch up on your great holiday.
If she goes along and stays with family, still offer her a weekend stay after you get back.

Get into the habit of reasonable time together.
Sometimes it might be appropriate for her to go on a short holiday with you but it should not be the norm..

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.
My husband has spoken to her this afternoon and told her on this occasion we would prefer to travel as a family of 4. She got really upset and said she’s not going to go at all and it seems we don’t want her around. She really tried hard to make him feel guilty.

You don't want her around 😂 glad she got the hint.

She will get over herself, just prepare for her ramping up now you're putting in boundaries.

Your MIL has lost a piece of control today and will push harder to get it back, you and DH need to stick together.

Your 3 year old will be just as happy if you do short haul you know.
With a young baby and a 3 year old that flight will probably not be much fun and them chuck in a judgemental MIL staying with you?
Just go to Europe, just the 4 of you

Your toddler may be excited but you could say to a toddle ‘we’re going to go to the park and McDonalds (or another such treat) and they’d forget about it!! Even without your mil it’s an insane trip- I honestly wouldn’t do it

Perfect response.

It's how my mum and aunties reacted to any of us as kids if we tried to give an ultimatum.

We backtracked quicker than Lewis Hamilton can reverse