So if a child breaks a sibling's expensive toy, not intentionally but recklessly, what consequences should there be?

[emkana]

dd2 let dd1's rollergirl Kennedy doll fall down the stairs today, not intending to, but in spite of being warned repeatedly to be careful or an accident would happen. Doll's leg broke, but could just about be stuck back together with gaffer tape. I got very angry (see other thread about shouting ), but in the end we got over it and dd2 was told that a/ she must be more careful (she constantly breaks stuff) b/ she is not allowed to play with taht particular doll anymore and c/ she will not get the two pairs of leggings she wanted but didn't really need (she only wanted them because dd1 got some this weekend, dd2 has plenty already)

Yes they do share a room.

Doesn't it make a difference that dd2 is generally likely to be careless with things?

Dd1 is the complete opposite, so it can't just be down to my inadequate parenting.

emkana - My DDs have the same temperaments. DD1 - cautious, looks after things. DD2 - whirlwind. My approach (stated earlier - seems to work) and DD2 is learning that there are some things she cant have, has to be careful with. It will just take some time. They need to understand actions lead to consequences but they need to be immediate consequences ime

Can't recall if this has been said elsewhere - how many times did dd2 'let' the doll fall down the stairs?

If it only happened the once (an accident), would think you'd deal with it differently than if it happened over and over - and was therefore intentional 'experimenting' after being warned.

I tell dd1 to keep things in her room - then dd2 is not allowed them

all things in communal rooms are up for grabs - and that includes by dd3 who would like nothing better than to slowly destroy all possessions

But they share a room. And to say to dd1 to keep things to herself kind of ruins the fun really doesn't it? In an ideal world it would be nice for them to take turns at playing with this or other things and for both to treat things with care.

Fwiw - DD has one or two toys that are 'precious' (ie things she'd be upset about if they were broken/ruined), and so are not for 'communal' use.

ah, but this isn't an ideal world

I think if you have a neat and a messy DD it would be a VERY good idea to introduce a bit more demarcation in the room and the toys, or this is going to happen more and more

(speaking from experience as destructive younger sister sharing a room - it's amazing that my sister still speaks to me!)

e.g. rules (DD2 can only play with DD1's toys with her permission and in the room)

do they have their own 'sides' they keep tidy/ decorate?

sep boxes for toys with name on in big glittery letters?

(actually I think my sister would have preferred a chain link fence down the centre of the room with security alarms, but hey)

Second children are more likely to be reckless, messy and generally not care about the state of things IME - and speaking as a second child

My dh keeps reminding me that it is more difficult for dd1 as she used to be able to put her stuff anywhere, she could keep things tidy etc. Now she has to be constantly on the lookout for dd2 - or 'destructo-girl' as dh like to call her.

Dd2 is used to her things been taken (by dd1), to not really having things that are 'hers' (because dd1 'shares' all her toys the minute she gets them). This is why she is less likely to 'be careful' about things than dd1.

They have different perspectives, and they need to learn about how it feels for the other sister. Punishing them will not help them get along better. They really need to find solutions that they can both live with.

I used to think my sister was mental for being so fussy about tidiness etc., but I learnt that it mattered to her, so I made an effort. In this situation I would rather be given the chance to make it up to my sister than just be outright punished for something I didn't mean to do.

Are you an older sibling emkana? Do you understand dd1's pov better than dd2's? Just that's how it works for me. My sister (oldest) understands her eldest son better than the younger one (who is laid back, messy, and who I totally understand....)

yy agree very important for each dd to have their own box with toys that the other one cant touch

We have one toy box each thing. DD2 bit young to understand the concept, but it has helped dd1. Now we never see any of her toys.....

I also buy big expensive stuff as joint toys and only spend a small amount on personal birthday/xmas presents (so I can replace stuff more easily if it does get broken).

"Second children are more likely to be reckless, messy and generally not care about the state of things"

fwiw I'm a second child myself, but maybe dd1 and me are more alike.

There goes my theory then!

It was a good one though