2.5yo hates grandad and I don’t know what to do

[Bounty9]

Just that really. She is great with pretty much everyone apart from FIL who is a lovely man. He wants to get down and play with her, chat to her but she literally screams no in his face.

Admittedly sometimes he comes on too strong and is quite loud which freaks her out, but he’s tried pulling back, just sitting in the background whilst she plays and she just doesn’t want anything to do with him. It wouldn’t be so bad if she could be in the same room as him but she tells him to leave, screams no when he even steps foot in the room.

I ask her ‘why were you so grumpy with grandad’ and she just says ‘he makes me grumpy’, but I can’t pinpoint why. It’s becoming quite awkward and difficult to ignore. I do correct her and say that isn’t a kind way to speak to him.

As a side point - absolutely zero safeguarding concerns, she hasn’t ever been left alone with him.

I'd just accept she doesn't like him but give her a better way to react. So instead of NO! How about "I don't want to play with grandad"

She gets a bad vibe off him or it could be how he looks, kids can be funny little humans.Im sure that it won't be forever but I wouldn't push it and just wait it out.

At 2 and a half I'd be setting consequences for screaming in anybody's face. She'd be taken aside and I'd be speaking very firmly to her about that.

Then I would set up a really interesting little game or scene with some toys and be down on the carpet with grandpa playing myself. When she comes over to see what it's all about I'd tell her this game/these toys are for people who can play kindly together and share. No screaming. Then play together. At some point when everything is calm and going well, get up to go and make a cup of tea and leave them to it for a bit. Dip back in and out but take a back seat to let them play.

Next visit I'd be warning her in the car/on the walk about what the expected behaviour is before going in. Repeat the same little game/imaginary play set up. Maybe each time bring another little something for them to discover and play with together.

Could you explain that FIL is "daddy's daddy", just like your dad is "mummy's daddy". It might make her more comfortable if she connects him with her own dad

I would tell her to be nice and not scream in his face, but I wouldn’t be making her play with him or leaving her with him. She is letting you know she is uncomfortable and whatever the reason you should be listening to that.

Thank you everyone, some really great advice that I’m going to try.

We do correct the shouting, she is told every time that is not how we speak to people. We have a conversation in the car every time on the way and I say that treating him that way makes him sad, and she then says ‘I’m going to be nice’ but it’s all forgotten as soon as she sees him. It’s just odd because she doesn’t act that way with literally anyone else.

She’s only a toddler, just a baby really, so I don’t see how harsh punishments would be helpful against this primal thing she has against him. When I was a toddler I apparently used to run away from my grandad’s booming voice.

As you said yourself, he can come on too strong and be loud which freaks her out.

All toddlers go through phases and you just need to ride them out. This won’t last forever. Maybe he needs to cool off and not even try to interact with her for a while.

Aww, poor her and poor Grandad. I'd put a family photo of him and her dad in her bedroom, maybe with other family photos. This is Grandad, Daddy's daddy. Does she have a type of teddy bear she likes? It might be nice for Grandad to get her one of those Build-a-Bear type bears with a nice message from him in his voice. I think time will help.

My fil use to wind my son up. He was too loud/in your face and didn't respect boundaries. I taught my son to say 'no thank you gran dad' . It also alerted us to if we needed to step in, it annoyed my fil but he couldn't say ds was being disrespectful

Well if it's reached a point he can't be in the same room as her, and you are sure no reason, safeguard wise, then just carry on.

Do more together. Walks, park, whatever.

What does she like. Get him on board. Eg for mine it was stones, hunting for those. Pretty ones.

Take it to next step. She's 2. So she doesn't like someone at nursery. Or school.

If it's not a safety issue and he's taken a step back from the loud behaviour I would be looking for a common ground and increasing the time

Does he have a beard? My friends son hates beards! Other than that, does she see grandad in different environments or always at his house?

Does he have bad breath

There’s nothing about his appearance (or breath 😂) that I consider to be offensive or different than she’s used to.

She is marginally better in different settings like a restaurant etc, and DH says she will play with him briefly when I’m not there so I think my presence somehow makes it worse. I’m not sure if she’s just on the defensive because he used to be very hands on/in your face which she absolutely hated, but he has backed right off for the last month or so.

I think they get into funny little habits and honestly they just need snapped out of it a bit sometimes, and you know best if this is one of those times.

My son had a funny phase with my mum. On the 3rd visit when he started similar nonsense I had a bloody good word with him and told him that was the absolute end of it now. I was really stern and told him "grandma is MY mummy and you are upsetting her." We were not going to try to navigate this anymore, it just had to stop.

He immediately stopped and never did it again. He absolutely adores her. He did then and he does now. Sometimes they do these things and it grows arms and legs and just gets too silly. I'd snap it right out of her if you're confident it's just a nonsense, and then model nice playing with grandpa and how much fun that can be.

On the other hand my son recently went through a phase of genuine fear about something. I know the difference and we treaded very lightly with him over this and guided him out the other end before the fear took hold of him. We were very gentle with him about this. The nonsense with my mum, however, was just silly and unkind.

I was going to ask that

Odd question does your FILhave a beard or moustache ? My youngest dd screamed when my 25 year nephew tried to play with her pretty much from birth till 2 yrs 10 months I believe it cos he had a beard - he is great with kids as has younger siblings. The next time they met at Xmas DN had trimmed his beard a lot - what a transformation! She was climbing all over him , playing , hugging etc - he was overjoyed with the attention as had felt quite hurt before that dd played with everyone else including his GF but not him . If that's not the case could grandad bring a really exciting new toy/game to play just the two of them? Maybe pop out to kitchen and leave then to it she might engage and perhaps this would break the ice? Such a shame I hope things improve x

Brilliant advice! Not ok to treat her grandad like this

That doesn't mean it's not the beard

When my eldest was 1 or 2 ish he hated one of my uncles. He hardly knew him, never had any bad interactions with him. It was so bad we had to turn the buggy away if we saw him in the street as he'd scream bloody murder on sight.

Never did get to the bottom of it but he grew out of it.

Personally I would tell grandad to totally ignore her for now. Sit with him and talk to him, play with some objects, coins, playing cards, a toy car etc. Comment on what he's doing, ie. wow, you're really good at that Jim. Ignore her if you can too. I'm sure she will become interested in what's go on and want to be involved.
Take it slow, until they're playing together.

@Yourethebeerthief this is where I think we’re at - I’m going to get DH to explain to her that it’s his daddy, I don’t think she understands that so will give it a try.

Thank you! Some really good advice here. He doesn’t have a beard though.

I will just add she’s a lovely little girl, who is very kind 99% of the time, which is why it’s upsetting to see her react that way.

A month is not a very long time at all. He obviously upset or disturbed her in some way by being too full on/too hands on. She has taken a dislike to him and it will probably take a while for her to get over it.

Obviously she can’t be allowed to shout at him but I would definitely not be pushing or cajoling her to play or interact with him. I wouldn’t play the ‘you’re making granddad sad’ line either as it’s putting too much responsibility for someone else’s emotions on her tiny toddler shoulders.

I would leave this up to time to sort out and hopefully they will get closer as she grows older.

Me too! My niece hated her grandads moustache at that age 🙈.

Totally get it. My boy is so loving and sociable and kind. It was just one of these weird things that toddlers do and then keep doing to see what happens. Sometimes you have to say "no bloody way are you behaving like that." Snap them out of it and then move on asap as normal.

I wouldn’t play the ‘you’re making granddad sad’ line either as it’s putting too much responsibility for someone else’s emotions on her tiny toddler shoulders.

But that other person's emotions are being caused by the child screaming in their face. It's appropriate to tell a 2 and a half year old that this upsets other people.