2.5yo hates grandad and I don’t know what to do

[Bounty9]

Just that really. She is great with pretty much everyone apart from FIL who is a lovely man. He wants to get down and play with her, chat to her but she literally screams no in his face.

Admittedly sometimes he comes on too strong and is quite loud which freaks her out, but he’s tried pulling back, just sitting in the background whilst she plays and she just doesn’t want anything to do with him. It wouldn’t be so bad if she could be in the same room as him but she tells him to leave, screams no when he even steps foot in the room.

I ask her ‘why were you so grumpy with grandad’ and she just says ‘he makes me grumpy’, but I can’t pinpoint why. It’s becoming quite awkward and difficult to ignore. I do correct her and say that isn’t a kind way to speak to him.

As a side point - absolutely zero safeguarding concerns, she hasn’t ever been left alone with him.

I had that as a 5 year old. I couldn't stand my godmother's new husband. I remember everyone being perplexed but I never revealed why that was. But I remember distinctly as an adult. He basically had jet black her and and eyebrows and I thought he was a devil 🤷🏻‍♀️ you may ask how I would know of devils at such a young age. Uneducated grandmothers when scolding misbehaving children would say that you are entertaining a devil if your naughty. And I imagined one to look like him. Poor guy was non the wiser and nor were the rest of the family!!

OP that may be true but her behaviour is also unacceptable. She isn’t too young to understand that you don’t shout in someone’s face, yell at them and are rude to them. I am inclined to say you need to be firmer and set clear expectations on behaviour and consequences if they aren’t followed.

1. Don't tell your DD that she has to play with GF. It's essential that her right to set boundaries is respected from the day she's born. That includes not coercing her or engaging in grooming-like behaviour to get her to play with GF.
2. Absolutely do teach her how to assert boundaries politely but firmly.

What about making a photo album. We used to do this when mine were young so they could recognise family they didn't see often. It was a very short book with a photo and name. We put it on her book shelf so she could access it easily. Could this get her used to seeing him without any pressure of talking to him or being in a room together?

A month is a very short time in her life. Whilst your FIL has intentionally changed his behaviour, she doesn't know that. Have you tried explaining this to her? My DC used to struggle slightly with FIL and SIL (on the other side of the family), in both cases I think it was because they would be really enthusiastic and full on and play chasing games and generally get them all excited and then either the DC would do something silly and would get told off by FIL/SIL or the DC would fall and hurt themselves or accidentally bash into something or some other "bad" thing would happen or FIL/SIL would get bored and abruptly (in the opinion of the DC) end the game and go and sit down and read the paper and ignore them. It made it really difficult for the DC as they couldn't understand how they were supposed to behaviour. The DC much preferred my Dad's consistent, low level interest as they knew what to expect.
I see there is no beard issue is that is one we experienced with DC1 and other relatives.

Thank you for all your advice - we had a good chat this morning as MIL and FIL have come to take her out for the day. I told her it’s absolutely not ok to shout at people and that she doesn’t have to hug him but she does have to use kind words.

Anyway.. she actually spoke to him this morning and then went outside and was jumping around with him. It’s absolutely bizarre.. maybe all I needed to do was stop pussyfooting around with her. I imagine it’s still going to be a long road, but a strong start!

We had this with ds and his uncle, dh’s brother.
Is she worse when your dh and fil are in the same room?
Dh and his db look very alike and we think that them being together confused ds as he knew dbil wasn’t his daddy but he looked like his daddy.
It went on for months until something clicked and he accepted dbil.

I agree with this, theres a clear reason she doesnt like him, saying that to her will only teach the lesson she's to squash down her whole feelings to please the adults. If he's only backed off for the last month that's over 2 years of him being too much, children hate that, you need to give her more time and he needs to stay back for the indefinite future.

Doesn't sound like she's 'kind 99% of the time'

maybe all I needed to do was stop pussyfooting around with her.

This!

Well done OP. This sentence sums up the answer to most problems parents have with their children.