If your mum or dad or both were "shouters", how...

[emkana]

... did it make you feel? How has it influenced the way you raise your children? And did they shout "just" due to temper, "just" being noisy, or did they say hurtful things when shouting? And does it make a difference?

Did you never ever shout when your children wree young?

I did/do my share of shouting, but my mother's scream of 'I'll kill you if you do that again' still rings in my ears, so I only shout when I need their attention and try not to do it out of anger.

I learnt alot from my parents - like how I don't want to do it!

My mum shouted, and said hurtful things like I was a disgusting little b* and noone liked me. And now I have zero self esteem. Yes, it does have an effect.

dad only shouted when he really, really lost his temper - this was rare and therefore scary as. my mother, otoh, said such nasty things that I can't remember what volume she said them at - it was the content that was scarring.

Can't imagine being much of a shouter myself. It's not really my style. But then ds is only one, it may take a while before he winds me up that far

my mother was a shouter, and she'd say cruel hurtful things.

dp's dad was is an alcoholic and the angry kind so he got verbal abuse alot too.

we've both recently come to realise we've been shouting at dc's far too much and have bagun to make a real effort to control urselves... dd is better behaved and happier for it. although i never said vicious horrible things to her like my mother did to me (i'll cut your head off/i'll kill you/you stupid girl/stop crying, you're embarressing me. she's a psychopath, she once walked off and left me in germany because i'd fallen and grazed my knees badly and was crying) so hopefully not to much harm done.

have shouted at dd when she was only a baby, but that was partly due to 12 months of reflux and colic and lack of any sleep at all so more screaming out of frustration than angry yelling, still felt like a hideous person though

emkana - how could you possibly know I was going to start this very thread last night?!!!

I shout constantly and swear far too much too. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes just frustrated and irritable. Sometimes it's just because we have a very long corridor and it's difficult to hear.

I also wonder how much damage I'm doing. And whether being lovely the rest of the time makes up for it....or not.

My mum didn't shout much as far as I remember. She says she did a bit. There were 4 of us and only one of her so I don't think we always paid much attention to be honest!

how do mean by shoutin tho???
shouting nasty hurtful things is always going to have an affect.....shouting just to try and get yourelf heard however is surely going to be felt as 'normal'???

I am a shouter, but I only fnd myself shouting as the volumne is raised, which I aware is raised as I am shouting.

I do say things I don;t like, normally along the lines of, "right, thats it, I am leaving", but those comments are few and far between, and normally precipitated by an hospital visit of some kind or another, and the kiddies are aware of my mood as I try to let them know before hand.....not that it always helps.

I was raised in a house of physical violence and drug taking before I was taken into care, and then raised by my aunt, and TBH, my aunt had a more lasting affect as I felt she never really 'bonded' with me, nor me to her (not overly surprising maybe, she had tow kiddies a lot older than me, and it was her sister that was the one who allowed me to be abused, and also took drugs, so I am guessing that a certain amount of her pain she took out on me.

BUT

shouting in itself is not harmful......it is what is shouted and how it is meant that is the harmful aspect!!!!!!

Neither parent was a shouter: my mum was too soft, bless her, and my dad is the kind of guy who gets icily reasonable and sharp-toned when he's pissed off. So when he took that tone with us, we knew he meant business!

I actually wish there had been more shouting (on both sides) during my teenage years, am certain it would have made communication a lot easier between us.

Both my mum and dad were shouters but they never said hutful things. I will admit that I am a shouter I never say hurtful things though. I shout when they have been told no several times. It works with dd1 but dd2 just laughs at me.

I'm afraid I don't remember my mum being lovely, although I'm told she was too, but I do remember exact instances of shouting and hurtful things being said

I don't swear and I don't say hurtful things but I do shout, I have outbursts of temper which go on for a few minutes and then after I feel so very guilty and worry what effect it is having. The dd's seem very happy atm but I really really wish I could stop it!

I come from a dramatic, noisy, Mexican-American family. It's good to let it all out.

No one ever said hurtful things or swore.

But there were many floods of tears and doors slamming and 'Aaaaayyyyyyyeeee'.

No alcoholism, either.

Just imagine those Mexican soap operas on in the background on Ugly Betty. That about sums it up.

Dh not a shouter at all and always aghast when he witnesses my temper.

DH's mum used to scream at him a lot. About his 'A' levels, his girlfriends, his extra curricular activities. He is a bit shouty and excitable, I have to say. His mum says she cringes whenever she hears shouting these days. That's a bit rich.

My mum on the other hand would sulk for hours or days. She wouldn't be cajoled out of it. She's fine now but when I was a kid I always felt like she would avoid me if she could.

Don't know which is more soul destroying really. We try to make up and hug really quickly in our house. But I'm sure my DCs will be saying how DH and I have f*cked them up in future years.

My mother was a shouter and could say some nasty things when angry. I have that in me - I get angry and feel as though I could really shout but I don't. I raise my voice firmly - almost like shouting but not really loud.

I hated and dreaded my mother's anger and I hate that I feel angry sometimes. Dh and I were just talking about this tonight. He just doesn't get angry like that - I suppose that' why I married him as I would never volunteer to be subject to that again.

I go cold with anger and withdraw - I don't really know what else to do.

I told my dd's to tell me to count to 10 next time they see my temper flare up.

My mum was a shouter never anything nasty just telling us off if she was cross (there were 5 of us in 8 years!) and I hate to admit it but I try really hard not to but if Im tired ir particularly stressed I do shout too much, I would never say anything nasty even if I wasnt shouting. Its usually "RIGHT THATS IT IM GIVING YOU 3!" I never feel any better when I do shout, I just end up with a sore throat.
I hated it when my mum shouted and that why I try so hard not to. I often have to stop just before Im about to shout and take a big breath and speak slowly and calmly.
I dont think it has affected me long term apart from me doin it to occasionally though.

Im tired.....doing / too

I was having a conversation with my mum about this recently as she felt that she 'shouted all the time' at us (me and 2 younger brothers). I don't remember it this way, but do remember being scared when she shouted as it was more of a rare occurence. With her it was definitely a loss of temper.

I sometimes feel that real boiling rage of frustration, DS is 21 months, but am making a real effort not to shout as it just frightens him.

My mother shouted at us constantly. I can't remember if it was anything particularly hurtful (so I guess it wasn't) but it was just so constant and she would go on about the same issue for days and weeks that it was quite overwhelming. I think it has made me nervous around people and also I could never be open with her. She labelled me as a liar and deceitful for years because I was too scared to tell her when I lost my school jumper. Also, I think I just tuned out a lot of the yelling, so the important things she was trying to teach us (not to be careless with belongings, to be neat, to do homework etc) just got lost in the noise.

As a child, I think I took the shouting for granted but as a parent now I think it was really awful. I can't believe that none of her friends ever said anything to her - she shouted at us in public and all the other children were terrified of her. I think she was under a lot of pressure - she had one child with sn, she had immigrated so she had no family or support network and she says now that she thinks she had PND. But, honestly, I think she was/is just a shouter. She still shouts constantly at my sister with sn, who still lives at home, at the dog and she'll even shout at ds (who she adores) if she spends too long with him. I think she is a very good person, who has had a lot of troubles, but a bad parent. I only have one ds at the moment (another on the way) so I haven't really needed to shout but I really hope that I never go that way.

My Dad was a shouter - we have the same temper so it was directed at me a lot! And he would say cruel things.

My Mum was more insidious really. You would think something was over and done with and then she would tell Dad when he came in and all hell would break lose.

I am a shouter. But never, ever cruel things. More along the lines of getting a response - DH HATES it. He is much calmer than me. DS is more like me so we shout at each other!

What bugs me is that if DH is trying to get DS to do something he will stand there saying 'please' for ages and DS will ignore him. So I wade in and shout "DS put your shoes on NOW!" and it works. Then DH is pissed off at me and we end up arguing.

Sigh.

Message withdrawn

I do shout at times, but it stopped having an effect so I try to avoid now...however I will ask 25 times, be ignored and then shout...Ds always says, 'You didn't have to SHOUT, Mum'

I have in the past said a few hurtful things and then apologised.
I also try hard not to do that now (he's four and can understand better, listens better, I get less frustrated)
I like the Mrs Weasley example though.
The letter that shouts at Ron, always makes me think you can still be a nice mother if you raise your voice a bit...'RONALD WEASLEY! I AM DISGUSTED....' etc etc...