Single Dad help. (Only being let to see son for a hour a week)

[LettuceOclock]

Me and my ex partner split up a couple months before our son was born. Long story short, miscomunication. I have to blame and what i thought i had been doing over the months before had been respectful and right. But to her it seemed like i wasnt excited for our baby and seemed like i didnt want to see her during pregnancy.

I totally see where she is coming from and by the time i realised after not taking hints, it was already too late. It really hit me and everything i had been looking forward not turning out the way i had hoped.

Im in no way using this as a excuse. But i suffer from Aspergers sydrom and ADHD and im no expert and barely looked into it all as i was dyignosed from a very young age and had all these different medications growing up. Im awfully bad as understanding meaning behind what people say with how they say things. So i do blame myself for how things have turned out.

Our little boy is coming up 7 months and since birth i have only been allowed to see him for a hour, once a week. I have even lost weeks and lost time to spend and not see him for a couple weeks due to weather too (I did a motorbike CBT especially to be able to travel to see him) so if its really too icy or too windy it would be too dangerous.
I have asked for longer time and said i want to have full days with him and split the time 50/50.

Its yet to happen and she is insisting that its hard because "you dont break up with someone to spend more time with them" and i also got told "equal time comes with trust" i didnt say anything back to them as i honesly dont know what to say.

To me im blank. Im not even allowed to kiss my own son, i gave him a kiss on the hand without thinking too much of it after going months without being able to show my love and you could imagine how that went down. She and her mum was not happy with me at all.

Its got to the point where i just cry and i just dont feel comftable being over thier house. Im bring hawk eyed and watched and im just afraid now of doing something wrong. Im not myself and just feel anxiety overload while im just trying to be with my son.

I come home from work feeling sad as i know instead of sitting around doing nothing i could be interacting and spending time with him. I have never been abusive or violent ever in my life and come from a lovely stable happy family home so i cant understand why im being treated like this.

Her and her mother made a msssive deal about putting a point across and making sure i tell my family we are no longer a couple. I ask every day about how he has been and message wishing a lovely day in the morning. The most i get is "hes been happy" "hes done his usual". I dont get much in the replies but i do try.
I cant understand why its so hard and the fact i dont get sent pictures of him after asking too really upsets me. Maybe this is just me but i would put every little detail on how his day has been and what he did and just send lovely pictures over all the time and it wouldnt even have to be asked for so its sad im struggling for this as it was hard for me to understand.

Not only have I lost the Woman I loved soo much but it feels like im losing my son too. Early time i cant get back. Makes me sad everyday.

Not sure what to do. Made sure i was on our sons birth citificate. But it seems like she just wants our son for herself and her mum to stay at thier home. But i dont see how she can just decide to break us up and pull the rug and make that choice as i feel its unfair and i ideally want joint custody, split 50/50 or as close as possible.

I have a full time job monday to friday so i would be realistic and so i would ask to pick him up after i finish work and have him over the weekend and drop him off monday morning before i start work so eventually i could still have some part in his nursury or school drop off rutine as that would be important to me.

I think if things dont progress before he turns 1 or just after il have to take steps as i feel like im being robbed of being a daddy. Im scared though as im afraid if it went to family courts the judge would point out the little time i have spent with him. Would they take into account that its all i have been allowed?

I wouldnt want to do this as i do still love her deep down and still want to one day be a family but i cant wait around for something that might not happen and have all this time being sad about not being with my son.
If it went to courts i would even be alright with her being here and even staying over so we can both have fun times out with our son.
I think for that though i would need ground rules and aslong as neither of us are talking (seeing) anybody else it can happen but the moment that changes it would need to be done seperetly. As i have no intention of being around her being sad or not being able to move on. May sound petty but i wouldnt want to be sad or there to be any negativity around our son.

Sorry for the rant but i dont know what to do really.

at that age my son’s father was court ordered exactly 1hour twice a week. To slowly increase as he got older. Father was livid.

I breastfed exclusively and at 1.5yrs I ignored the visitation schedule and increased it to 1 full day twice a week. Reason being that his older sister of 3 was already doing 3 full days at their father’s and in the days he was alone with me , he would pull up bed covers looking for his sister. Sibling separation is a thing.

Again Father refused to take him with his sister but I insisted he took the two together or he didn’t take any. He’s reason was that it was not court ordered.

Father is diagnosed ADHD/autism and he has an inflexible way of thinking.

so think about the needs of your son. He is 7 months old. His too young to be separated for longer from his main caregiver. Try and be reasonable and see things from his mother’s view.

If it went to courts i would even be alright with her being here and even staying over so we can both have fun times out with our son

I was 7 months pregnant when we went to court and my ex had the chutzpah to tell the judge the above.

you are no longer together. do you not accept that?

You have parental responsibility and every right to spend time with your son, including overnights. He is not too young.

Make a C100 application to the Family Court and let it unfold.

I work in Family Law, unless you're a danger to your son, what's happening to you is not acceptable.

You're approaching this all wrong. You don't have equal rights, you have equal responsibilities.

To be honest I think your problems started when you went in for 50:50. Being away from a young baby is emotionally very difficult for a Mum - hormones ensure that you are protective over this tiny helpless being. I'm not saying you don't feel like that, but women become Mums when they get pregnant, Dads.become Dads when the baby is born.

You've had lots of good advice, be there for him, be supportive, turn up every single time, be responsible and build trust. She will want more support but she has to trust that you will co-parent with her and not be in battle with her.

Hi there
I was in a very similar situation to your ex gf as we split in pregnancy and I lived with my parents and newborn.

First, you insisting on 50/50 At this stage will terrify her. My ex tried the same before he had even invited the baby to his own house. For a tiny baby to suddenly have this huge change, with anyone, let alone someone who has no experience of caring for a baby, would be awful for them no matter how much you love baby. If 50/50 is your goal one day just stop talking about it as it's not going to happen immediately anyway so think about a gradual increase so an extra short visit a week or longer than one hour when you do have baby.

You also need to stop only having baby at home. See if mum will lend you the buggy - you can take baby out to soft play or a children's centre or church play group or library - lots of these have Saturday sessions if you only have weekends. Mum can come with you at first if this makes her feel comfortable then you start to take baby alone .

Stop being unreliable.

Do any parenting courses available from your local council. Attend health visitor appojngments.

If you have no car and only a motor bike how would you get baby to your house? Is your house baby safe with equipment for baby? Can you invite mum there so she can see and give you advice on it ? That's what I did with my ex - he got stair gates and removed other dangerous things after my visit which reassured me.

You have a lot of learning to do. Whatever your friends are saying about rights, parents have no rights they have responsibilities and your responsibilities include showing up, learning how to care for your baby and providing a safe place for you to spend time together.

@Amuseaboosh that's aggressive advice. Surely advise him to try a) improving his reliability and thinking through a safe gradual stepped up plan first and b) trying mediation before a court application. He's surely have better luck with the application if he can evidence he's done the first two first too.

I think this is general good suggestion. But it's only appropriate to suggest bath and bedtime at mums house if she is comfortable, as it's very very intrusive and exhausting having an ex in the family home (speaking from experience - my ex was like a tourist showing up for the cute bathtime then lying on my bed with baby for an hour then leaving me to do the hard night shift alone, we'd just broke up my bed smelt of him it was really confusing and at 6 months I had to put a stop to it and send baby out with him in buggy instead. Luckily it was summer then thoigh).

Op if you are threatening her with court for 50/50 there isn't a chance she'll feel happy with you in her home and quite rightly as people can get nasty when in court proceedings you become opposing sides rather than a team. I would try every soft approach I could including mediation before even mentioning court.

Ps you mentioned when you're not with your son you're sad. Ways to spent time are

• on exercise and meal plan and healthy life for you.

• asking mum if she needs help. Maybe offer take a bag of laundry away with you and bring it back the next week (or half way through then you get an extra hello with your son). Ask her if anything else practical you can do.

• baby is starting weaning now. What can you do to help with this? Research healthy snacks you can make like fritters and pancakes with veggies in and freeze these, bring to mums. Ask mum what she needs and what you can cook for baby. I begged my ex to do this for me as it's so hard cooking and banking from scratch while holding a baby and he didn't.

• ask mum if she has any appointments at the weekend like hair or nails or yoga class, if she wants you to come and hold baby while she does these you'd be very happy to help her.

• how flexible is your job? Could you take baby out in the buggy for 30 mins before work to local park one day? Or come on lunch break?

Very good points, op is talking of courts but not mentioned any gentle attempts at communication with the ex. She may well think he's happy with status quo and that's all he wants to do!

Of course i accept. She is the one that wants to be there constantly. Its not like its my idea. Of course if she is talking or with someone else i wouldnt accept but trying to be open.

You are completely taking the piss with your proposed schedule of every evening and weekends to fit round your lifestyle. That’s going to go down like a lead balloon

She doesn’t trust you with her baby after everything.

50:50 is absurd at this stage.

It also sounds a little like you’re trying to use the contact to have time with your ex partner, in an attempt to force reconciliation?

Suggesting you both spend time with your son together overnight is bonkers. You say you’d be prepared to do that so long as she wasn’t seeing anyone else, which then feels like manipulation.

How old are you?

None of this sounds healthy. I’d be curious to hear her side and what went on during her pregnancy, and why she wanted to end the relationship.

What do you mean of course? If you're not together then she can be with whomever she likes. It's not for you to accept it or not.

I don't feel like you are listening to the very good advice you are being given on here.

It isn't about what you want op, it's about what's best for your child.

7months is far too young for 50/50. Is his mother still breastfeeding?

I do feel for you, but it does seem like you've made your own bed.

Babies are exceptionally inconvenient. They don't fit neatly in to our own lives and need care 24-7. All your plans are based around no inconvenience whatsoever to yourself. This may well be the ND. In your mind, You have your routine, and then you can see your son. That is neither fair, and possibly not convenient for your ex. Communication is key.

I remember when I got divorced and 2/5 was agreed, and exH said 'so I'll pick them up in my way home from work at 7pm on Tuesday, and drop them back to you at 7am on Wednesday.' 'No sunshine, no you won't, school finishes as 3.20 and starts at 8.40, and they have 15 Tuesdays every year off.'

Just to echo others , you need to fit in with your baby , he is the priority. And he is so little which needs to be taken into consideration.

I was in family court with exh over access arrangements with our 2 year old and initially exh saw her for 4 hours on Saturday (every other week) and one afternoon a week until teatime. When she turned 3 she began staying overnight so sat until Sunday (again eow). This changed again when she started school , he would pick her up on Wednesday every week and give her her tea , getting her home for bedtime. The every other weekend pattern remained consistent as its a 50/50 leisure time split. She's 18 now and she can remember how tired she was going from house to house when she was in primary school. And when she went to secondary school it was also hard for her as she had exams to study for and had to factor in lugging her laptop and also having some kind of social life.

What I'm trying to say op , is that your child is so little and you will have to make sure that what you ask for is reasonable. An entire weekend with a 7 month old is not. Think about building up to that.

Also you will have to think about flexibility at your job. Basically be prepared to ask for it so that you can do your bit , especially as your child hits school age and you will be expected to pick them up at 3ish to start your access time.

Good luck.

Men can't do right for doing wrong.

I'm sorry OP for the responses.

I will say that you need to factor in the age of your child as overnights are unlikely at this point.

I'd advise to take legal steps.

Op, @Unexpectedlysinglemum has good ideas. The idea to prep baby-friendly food is a good one. And to help with laundry.

Successful co-parenting involves a lot of planning. Talk to your employer. Every parent is allowed to request flexible working so find out now what is available to you. Maybe you can work longer hours 4 days and have Wednesday afternoons off to help with baby, giving your ex a chance to go to the dentist or get her hair cut.

But most of all, keep offering help. Parenting is not easy.

What did you do that you thought was right but was wrong in her opinion?

She said basically that you can't be trusted. Why not?

Are you sorry for the responses?? Posters are just pointing out that he is not putting the needs of the baby first. It's good that he loves the baby, which is more than can be said for a lot of absent fathers, but while he is thinking how he loves his child he is also thinking of his own convenience, and not how it would feel to the baby to be separated from his mother. The baby won't understand what's happening and will think he'll never see his mother again. She will also be traumatised by having her young baby taken away for long periods of time. Is breast feeding happening?

You need to be patient and work up to it VERY slowly OP. Maybe read up on child psychology and put your child's needs first. By supporting and understanding his mother you'll be supporting him too.

Also, when it is time for you to take your baby for an hour solo, you are responsible for packing supplies, not the mother. Ask for a list of current nappy brand and size, a preferred snack, and current clothing size so you can have a change of clothes ready just in case. The clothes need to be washed in advance. Ask the mother what kind of detergent she uses so you can avoid any skin irritation.

parenting A baby is a million details and being prepared.

I am also ND and a mother. Being organized is critical.

Agree. Op do you know how to make up and sterilize bottles?

Take legal advice, yes. But to threaten mum with legal action - absolutely not - I literally am a mum in her situation who has experienced this, and it has totally damaged my trust in him and any flexibility or proactively I might have otherwise offered - eg I'm overwhelmed with work now and I need someone to care for baby on Monday to help me catch up. I could ask dad but I know he is actively building a case against me and if he knows that I am stressed or not managing, he will document and use that against me to paint me as someone too stressed or a safeguarding risk which would be A huge hassle. I stay out of his way as much as possible due to all his threats and how he twists things. Which means he doesn't get extra hours with the baby and my parents do instead

If he had been a decent trustworthy man that built things up slowly and didn't threaten to take me to court any time he doesn't get his way then he would possibly spend much more time with his baby than he does. He has made me scared of him so I keep out of his way.

Your post is rambling, and tbh I don't see you as a reliable narrator.

In your post you're mixing up seeing your son with trying to reunite with your ex, and even tag on some weirdness about her meeting someone else ending co-parenting.

I suspect your ex is keeping you at arms lengths for the same reason. And as your ex, no, she doesn't want to send you long involved texts everyday.

Why did you learn how to drive a motorbike instead of a car?