Single Dad help. (Only being let to see son for a hour a week)

[LettuceOclock]

Me and my ex partner split up a couple months before our son was born. Long story short, miscomunication. I have to blame and what i thought i had been doing over the months before had been respectful and right. But to her it seemed like i wasnt excited for our baby and seemed like i didnt want to see her during pregnancy.

I totally see where she is coming from and by the time i realised after not taking hints, it was already too late. It really hit me and everything i had been looking forward not turning out the way i had hoped.

Im in no way using this as a excuse. But i suffer from Aspergers sydrom and ADHD and im no expert and barely looked into it all as i was dyignosed from a very young age and had all these different medications growing up. Im awfully bad as understanding meaning behind what people say with how they say things. So i do blame myself for how things have turned out.

Our little boy is coming up 7 months and since birth i have only been allowed to see him for a hour, once a week. I have even lost weeks and lost time to spend and not see him for a couple weeks due to weather too (I did a motorbike CBT especially to be able to travel to see him) so if its really too icy or too windy it would be too dangerous.
I have asked for longer time and said i want to have full days with him and split the time 50/50.

Its yet to happen and she is insisting that its hard because "you dont break up with someone to spend more time with them" and i also got told "equal time comes with trust" i didnt say anything back to them as i honesly dont know what to say.

To me im blank. Im not even allowed to kiss my own son, i gave him a kiss on the hand without thinking too much of it after going months without being able to show my love and you could imagine how that went down. She and her mum was not happy with me at all.

Its got to the point where i just cry and i just dont feel comftable being over thier house. Im bring hawk eyed and watched and im just afraid now of doing something wrong. Im not myself and just feel anxiety overload while im just trying to be with my son.

I come home from work feeling sad as i know instead of sitting around doing nothing i could be interacting and spending time with him. I have never been abusive or violent ever in my life and come from a lovely stable happy family home so i cant understand why im being treated like this.

Her and her mother made a msssive deal about putting a point across and making sure i tell my family we are no longer a couple. I ask every day about how he has been and message wishing a lovely day in the morning. The most i get is "hes been happy" "hes done his usual". I dont get much in the replies but i do try.
I cant understand why its so hard and the fact i dont get sent pictures of him after asking too really upsets me. Maybe this is just me but i would put every little detail on how his day has been and what he did and just send lovely pictures over all the time and it wouldnt even have to be asked for so its sad im struggling for this as it was hard for me to understand.

Not only have I lost the Woman I loved soo much but it feels like im losing my son too. Early time i cant get back. Makes me sad everyday.

Not sure what to do. Made sure i was on our sons birth citificate. But it seems like she just wants our son for herself and her mum to stay at thier home. But i dont see how she can just decide to break us up and pull the rug and make that choice as i feel its unfair and i ideally want joint custody, split 50/50 or as close as possible.

I have a full time job monday to friday so i would be realistic and so i would ask to pick him up after i finish work and have him over the weekend and drop him off monday morning before i start work so eventually i could still have some part in his nursury or school drop off rutine as that would be important to me.

I think if things dont progress before he turns 1 or just after il have to take steps as i feel like im being robbed of being a daddy. Im scared though as im afraid if it went to family courts the judge would point out the little time i have spent with him. Would they take into account that its all i have been allowed?

I wouldnt want to do this as i do still love her deep down and still want to one day be a family but i cant wait around for something that might not happen and have all this time being sad about not being with my son.
If it went to courts i would even be alright with her being here and even staying over so we can both have fun times out with our son.
I think for that though i would need ground rules and aslong as neither of us are talking (seeing) anybody else it can happen but the moment that changes it would need to be done seperetly. As i have no intention of being around her being sad or not being able to move on. May sound petty but i wouldnt want to be sad or there to be any negativity around our son.

Sorry for the rant but i dont know what to do really.

If you suggest you change your working pattern to accommodate the visits she may be more amenable.

I have to blame and what i thought i had been doing over the months before had been respectful and right.

I don't know what this means.

Your relationship with her is over so forget about that. Pay financial support for your son and get legal advice to set up access on a formal basis.

I do pay child support already :)

If you only use a motorbike how would you pick him up ?

He is far too young to be away from his mother overnight. You will need to work up to that gradually as he gets older and more independent. of course she is resistant, none of your plans are child-centered or developmentally appropriate.

for now, you need to make yourself available for multiple short visits every week. Ask to come by before or after work. Ask to do short visits Saturday and Sunday. Ask what works best for your son’s schedule, but make yourself available. Get a set schedule in place of hopefully at least 3 visits a week if she can make that work.

Then never miss a visit. Have backup transportation for all but the very worst weather. Unless it is the kind of storm where they advise people to stay home, you need to show up.

I agree, it's the missing weekends that lead to my eldest not seeing his Dad for a number of months. The inconsistency when they get older is a killer.

Why didn't you use public transport to visit him ?

When did you start the weekly visits ?

Why do you message every day ? that is excessive, could even be bordering on harassment.

50/50 is not every weekend - why on earth would you get all the fun times ( weekend ) and the Mother ends up with the working week times and she will end up paying for childcare / nursery during the week ! Selfish !

You are dreaming if you think she will stay over, and the two of you can have ' fun times ' with the child.

You split up before the child was born ! there will be no ' family ' with the 3 of you, the opportunity for that ended when the relationship ended.

I hope you earn well as you will need good legal advice, and do not expect to have a baby overnight at this age ! that is years away as the child doesn't actually know you !!!

You need to get court ordered visitation, see a family lawyer and make sure you are set up to care for the child, have a car and car seat.
With a baby you would normally start of with small visits and slowly build up the time.

I earn fine. If it goes to courts il also go the way of spliting the bill as i have been told by everybody i have met what she is doing is wrong as we both have equal rights when it comes to our son. Togeather or not. We will both have to comprimise.

You don't have any rights - You have responsibilities. Your first responsibility is to do what's best for your child.

Your concerns seem to be that you're sad you can't see him as much. Your child is too young to be away from its mother overnight with someone who has no experience of looking after him.

If you want to see your child more often, you will have to compromise/sacrifice by making adjustments to your work schedule to make visits more convenient for mum, who currently has a child to care for 24/7.

You say you earn well; presumably you are paying a reasonable amount of support and not just the bare minimum?

It’s you that needs to step up. She’s doing nothing wrong in protecting her child. You need to either get public transport or learn to drive. You can’t forever blame the weather . I’d also be grovelling as clearly you’ve done stuff wrong which is why she broke up with you and won’t let you see the child much. Do you have a 3rd party that can intervene with you .

Your relationship is over so don't start dreaming of getting back together. As for wanting more time with your child you MUST turn up for every meeting. You have to be 100% reliable and so far you have proved you are not. As pp has said, messaging your Ex for daily updates could be seen as harassment and she would be within her rights to block you. You could try using the court approved parenting app - but this is only used to discuss the child,eg setting up the next meeting.

A lot of courts won't let a baby leave their mother overnight until they are at least two so 50/50 won't happen yet, so during this time prove your reliability and that you are fit to care for the child. Learn how to feed and bathe, how to soothe, change nappies etc in the meantime. Btw 50/50 isn't you just having them for the weekend so be careful what you actually ask for - you will need to maintain it for the next 18 years and many (men) fail at that, it's better to be realistic and consistent from the beginning.

There are many threads here on living with ND partners and how very difficult it can be. I'd be interested to know her take, on what her life was like before. And her mother's take too. I'd imagine you may not be able to understand her feelings.

You may miss your child but she grew, birthed and feeds him from her body and she's currently on what's called the fourth trimester, where even though they're now separate entities it's as though they are still one.

Do you seek and receive therapy etc? Showing that you are working on yourself may be helpful.

Reliability, consistency etc will matter if you are to be a part of your child's life.

Way, way too young for 50:50. No court would ever impose that at this age. You need to be more realistic in your expectations, and build up very gradually whilst demonstrating reliability.

50/50 sounds desirable but it isn't about being Disney dad, doing the fun weekends. It's doing the nursery / school run, medical appointments, cooking, laundry, keeping to the family diary, making sure the homework gets done, dealing with toddler tantrums and teen meltdowns. 18 years of it.

Haven't you posted this before?

I think some of these responses are harsh especially when the op has explained they are neuro diverse. I think 1hr a week to spend time with dad is not putting the child first either, however I would go with supporting what the mum wants for now but ask if the time can be increased gradually.
Are you family allowed to see your son?

Have you asked her directly for more time?

Have you asked for more privacy and less judgement when you are with your son?

I would ask for 2 hours to start with and take the baby out for a walk and maybe to a cafe or soft play etc. It's unpleasant for everyone if you just have to sit there being watched, this will also show them that you have some initiative and want to invest in your sons happiness/leisure time.

If your ex is breastfeeding then she might just be struggling with the emotional and physical aspect of being away from the baby. If your son is formula fed I don't understand why you can't build up to 3-4 hour visits on the weekend, taking him outdoors to the park, to a baby group etc.

Would she be happier in your abilities if you attended a parenting class for dads? Could you suggest it to her? Is there some specific reason that she has given you as to why it's only 1 hour visits each time?

1 hour is really restrictive. Time needs to build up gradually. Communicate this to her. Baby needs to bond and an hour here and there isn’t going to cut it.

You’re being naive about 50/50 though- why should you get every weekend? Especially as your child starts school.

I’m guessing you’re both quite young if she’s letting her mom dictate things?

I think the mother is being very, very selfish. She is the one who isn't putting the baby first. She's denying him a relationship with a dad who wants to be involved and using him as a weapon. Not being able to kiss your own child is ridiculous and what on earth has it got to do with her mum. It's between you and her.
She needs to allow you to build up to longer time together. Can you take him out for that hour to start with?

splitting the legal bill (assuming this is what you mean) is v unlikely to happen. asking for it will make you look money grabbing and completely missing the point that you are taking money away from your child's primary carer to pay your lawyers. You're entitled to apply for a child arrangement order but if you're in England and Wales then the circumstances in which you'd get costs is very very limited. think about the impression this will give the court and the impact it will have on your relationship with your child's mother before you go storming down this route. if you can't afford the lawyer represent yourself.

Op, think about the practicalities for a moment.

Is your ex breast feeding? If so she can't just leave the baby in your care. At this stage you should be aiming for little and often. Perhaps an hour building up to two hours, a couple of evenings a week and an hour or two at the weekend.

This is the time you build a bond with your child and the trust of the mum.

Next, you travel by m/bike so you can't collect your child but you could take your ds out in the buggy for a walk at the weekend or when the evenings get lighter/warmer.

50:50 means you having your child overnight and all day on, say a Thursday - Saturday. Eventually doing nursery & school runs, shop for her, feed her, do her laundry. How would you manage with that and work? Can you adjust your hours to suit? How would you cope with getting up in the night, regardless of how tired you are? Changing stinky nappies, dealing with teething or a poorly toddler. Do you have somewhere suitable for him to sleep?

Think about what you can practically manage. Write out a plan of where you would like to start - for example, from 6pm -7pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays when you go to your ex's house and do 'bath & bed', and 2-4 on Sundays when you can take your DC out somewhere in the buggy. Think about where you would go in bad weather.

The fact that you missed some time because you chose not to ride your bike in the snow is your problem not hers.

Make it clear to your ex that you will go to court and get an arrangement order if necessary but would much rather not do that. (You won't be able to claim half your legal costs). You've 18 years co-parenting ahead of you so you need to find a way to work together calmly and amicably for the benefit of your child.

You should be free to kiss your child, that bit's ridiculous unless you had a streaming cold or a cold sore. Think, always about what is best for your son.

Whether your ex has a new partner or not is none of your business. Your relationship is over. And your idea of her sending you photos and long descriptions is way off. Even if she is not breast feeding, your ex has probably been up half the night with little one. She's coping with endless laundry, nappies, trying to sleep train, introducing solid foods. She will be exhausted. Babies are very hard work. The last thing she has time for is sending you rose tinted pictures or flowery texts.

Can I ask how old you are? Have you thought of getting an older female relative involved in the negotiations. Mum? Sister? Someone who has experience of raising a baby and can tell you what is reasonable.

50/50 and similar arrangements aren't realistic for a small baby - he will need to spend more time with his mum, especially if she's breastfeeding but not solely for that reason.

1 hour per week isn't a lot, but I think you need to build up trust and consistency. Be there for that time, every time, and show that you are going to be there for your son and as a co-parent. At the moment, your ex may feel that the evidence available to her is suggesting you aren't going to be there for them (eg if you were distant from her and have missed contact times). Look to build up contact time gradually and consistently - little and often is fine for relationship building, it's most important to be consistent and caring. And don't just look for 'fun' contact time. Commit to the routine stuff, the nappies, the 'bath and bed' routine, and the day to day requirements of keeping your son safe and healthy.

Being a neurodiverse parent can be difficult, so it might be helpful to look at parenting support for autistic/neurodiverse parents (there are multiple resources, even courses online and boards on Mumsnet). Many parents find parenting support resources helpful, especially resources tailored for their needs.