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Kids don’t want to leave London..

29 replies

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:14

I want to move out of London as I just don’t feel it is safe for my kids growing up here (gangs etc) but they don’t want to leave. Has anyone done it before despite kids not wanting to and did they eventually settle and enjoy the new place?

OP posts:
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MrsMitford3 · 14/01/2025 12:16

How old are your DC? Where are you looking at going?

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:20

I would like to move to somewhere near the coast in Kent they are 13-7

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faffadoodledo · 14/01/2025 12:21

How old are they? What stage of education are they at? I'll be honest, we didn't ask our children's opinions when we moved when they were 8 and 10. We did promise them a dog tho. And that helped!

And ironically they are both back living in London now they're in their twenties.

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OnceMoreWithAttitude · 14/01/2025 12:26

Li wouldn’t move a 13 yo if they have good friends and are happy at school.

My kids were brought up in an area where the neighbouring estates had gang issues, but if you weren’t involved, you weren’t involved.

They had so many opportunities for great extra curricular activities, and stayed involved with friends doing similar.

Small towns, coastal towns, have significant teen drug issues.

Happy settled kids make the best choices, IME.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:28

No he doesn’t have lots of friends and isn’t particularly settle in school (another story)

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Snorlaxo · 14/01/2025 12:38

Is it mainly the 13 year old who’s unhappy? Friends are really important at that age so I’m guessing that it is the main reason he’s unhappy.
My parents did a big move (abroad) when I was 12 which I wasn’t happy about but I settled.
We moved as a family when my son was 10 which went fine but I think that he would have been less happy a couple of years later once he was at secondary. It worked out fine and we moved to a bigger house which might have helped.

MisoSalmonForLunch · 14/01/2025 12:44

Why do you think London is dangerous? The vast majority of London teenagers aren’t involved in gangs. If you live on an estate with gangs, and, bluntly, if you have a black son, those are risk factors. If either of those factors don’t apply, chances of gang involvement are very low. (And if they do apply, the better option is probably to move locally).

London is a great place to be a teenager. The state schools are objectively the best in the UK. I don’t know anything about Kent coastal towns except that lots of them have a reputation for being boring and run down. If I were a teenager I wouldn’t want to move there either.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:45

Snorlaxo · 14/01/2025 12:38

Is it mainly the 13 year old who’s unhappy? Friends are really important at that age so I’m guessing that it is the main reason he’s unhappy.
My parents did a big move (abroad) when I was 12 which I wasn’t happy about but I settled.
We moved as a family when my son was 10 which went fine but I think that he would have been less happy a couple of years later once he was at secondary. It worked out fine and we moved to a bigger house which might have helped.

That’s not an issue he just doesn’t want to leave

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GreenTeaLikesMe · 14/01/2025 12:45

Do you mean 13 and 7, or 3+ kids aged from 13 to 7, or did you mean 17 rather than 7?

I would avoid moving teenagers unless it's truly unavoidable or there are really good reasons to move them.

Aren't a lot of coastal towns pretty rough with lots of social problems?

Also, isn't Kent an 11 plus system area? Are you prepared for the stress this can cause?

Porkyporkchop · 14/01/2025 12:45

I would move. You don’t seem to have much reason to stay.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:46

MisoSalmonForLunch · 14/01/2025 12:44

Why do you think London is dangerous? The vast majority of London teenagers aren’t involved in gangs. If you live on an estate with gangs, and, bluntly, if you have a black son, those are risk factors. If either of those factors don’t apply, chances of gang involvement are very low. (And if they do apply, the better option is probably to move locally).

London is a great place to be a teenager. The state schools are objectively the best in the UK. I don’t know anything about Kent coastal towns except that lots of them have a reputation for being boring and run down. If I were a teenager I wouldn’t want to move there either.

Didn’t say it was dangerous said I don’t feel safe, we live in a rough area and yes my son is mixed race.

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SereneCapybara · 14/01/2025 12:46

Be careful which coastal Kent town you choose as drug issues and gangs are rife among them. With less to do than in London, they may have problems.

Just help them get actively involved in something that is likely to keep them out of trouble: music, drama, sport, church, volunteering.

MajorCarolDanvers · 14/01/2025 12:46

Kids never get any yo move house and leave their friends.

just get on with it if this is your adult decision.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:47

GreenTeaLikesMe · 14/01/2025 12:45

Do you mean 13 and 7, or 3+ kids aged from 13 to 7, or did you mean 17 rather than 7?

I would avoid moving teenagers unless it's truly unavoidable or there are really good reasons to move them.

Aren't a lot of coastal towns pretty rough with lots of social problems?

Also, isn't Kent an 11 plus system area? Are you prepared for the stress this can cause?

11+ wouldnt apply to us. Kids are aged between 13 and 7.

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SallyWD · 14/01/2025 12:47

Do you genuinely feel there's a real threat where you live? I only ask because my family members have lived in London for decades and never had any issues with gangs or crime.
My parents moved us out of London as children, to a deprived seaside town. They did this for a better life but there was actually a lot of crime where we grew up, including gangs. I just think you should be careful. Sadly, many UK seaside towns have real problems with deprivation, alcohol and substance misuse, crime etc.

SallyWD · 14/01/2025 12:49

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:46

Didn’t say it was dangerous said I don’t feel safe, we live in a rough area and yes my son is mixed race.

I would have thought a mixed race child would be better off in a diverse city like London as opposed to a less diverse seaside town. My children are mixed race and I love the fact that they don't stand out in our city. Most of their friends and classmates have a similar skin tone to them.

cheezncrackers · 14/01/2025 12:50

Children don't usually welcome change OP - they like what is familiar, even when that familiar thing isn't that great. They don't have the life experience though or the long view that adults do, so they often can't see that things will be better in the long run.

Bottom line, you're the adult and the decision is yours. Talk to them about the advantages and reassure them that you can still visit London. We live just outside London and honestly, I think we have the best of both worlds. We have London nearby for all it's social, cultural and retail attractions, but we don't have to live there. We get to live somewhere with cleaner air, less crime, less danger and countryside a short walk away. I lived in London for years and it took me a while to adjust after we left, but where we live now gives our DC a much nicer place to grow up.

MyIvyGrows · 14/01/2025 12:53

Small coastal towns also have drug and gang problems & there is less to do

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:53

SallyWD · 14/01/2025 12:49

I would have thought a mixed race child would be better off in a diverse city like London as opposed to a less diverse seaside town. My children are mixed race and I love the fact that they don't stand out in our city. Most of their friends and classmates have a similar skin tone to them.

More worried about gangs and knife crime than standing out tbh.

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SallyWD · 14/01/2025 12:59

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 12:53

More worried about gangs and knife crime than standing out tbh.

I see, well I don't know where you live so I don't know how much of a risk this is. You must do what you feel is best. As I said, I'm someone whose parents left London to raise us in a seaside town for a safer life. We were still exposed to drugs and violent crime. I knew so many kids from school who had experimented with drugs by the age of 15. Just wanted you to be aware that these things happen everywhere, especially in seaside towns.

MisoSalmonForLunch · 14/01/2025 13:28

Sounds like you have some very genuine and reasonable concerns OP.

The only advice I can give is that all the evidence suggests gangs are hyper local. If you live on an estate with a gang problem, I would be very concerned. If you just live in a rough area, but there isn’t a specific gang problem on your estate or street, I think the risk is probably much lower.

Otherwise the advice above is probably good - keep your children busy: clubs, hobbies, school holiday clubs etc.

Unsure4589 · 14/01/2025 13:50

As a mixed-race black mum raising her mixed kids in London, I totally agree that your concerns are legitimate @ReachingOut8. But, could you consider moving within the city instead? As I'm sure you know, one postcode differs massively from the next here. Even a move just a few stops from where you are could make the difference to how safe you feel, as could getting them into the right schools and extra-curriculars. For the sake of your teen especially, I'd look into that first, before considering a bigger move.

I'm best friends with someone who grew up on the Kentish coast and whenever I start fantasising about a life by the sea, she starts up about how she'd NEVER want to move her kids back there, not without literally being RICH. Like PP have said, those coastal towns have some major issues with drug use particularly, and the lack of diversity could cause a serious issue for your DC. My friend dabbled in drugs quite heavily as a teen, for no real reason other than their easy availability and sheer boredom.

Also, as one who lived in a monoculture, don't dismiss the value for your kids of being surrounded by lots of different kinds of people, including lots who look like them. It matters, and unless you live in bang smack in the midst of a very rough estate where your teen is likely to be sucked into badness, the threat of social isolation/alienation could actually pose more of a threat to their (mental) wellbeing long term.

Unless you have significant resources to privately school, and insulate yourself from the deprivation coastal communities suffer from, you'd genuinely be better off taking your chances in (a different bit) of London imo.

ReachingOut8 · 14/01/2025 13:57

No I don’t have lots of money. I’m in a council house so I will not be able to move to any other part of London (understandably) people don’t want to live here. Maybe it’s ok if you are in one of the nicer areas people may not understand my concerns but I am in a rough part where gang and knife crime is a real problem (it’s one of the roughest areas) people simply don’t want to live here. It may appeal to someone who wants London though..

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taureni · 14/01/2025 14:11

Would you be depending on getting a council house exchange to be able to move? It can take years to find the right swap, so I'd only raise it with the dcs if you have a serious swapper lined up. I did a swap from Midlands to London zone 1 years ago, and it took a few goes to find a swapper to commit to it.

Chersfrozenface · 14/01/2025 14:16

OP, it might be better to start with practicalities.

You're in social housing, so will you need to do a swap? You could look at sites like Home Swapper to see what housing is on offer and where.

Then find out what those places are like, and whether anyone would be willing to swap for your house in London.

Or will you have to rent privately? You'll need to find out what rents are like and how much help is available on Universal Credit, if you can get that.