Decided to stop at 2 - heartbroken

[Mamaof2not3]

Tonight I decided we are stopping at 2 kids.

I'm 5 weeks post partum to my 2nd child. I've longed for 3 kids as long as I can remember - always wanted 3.

We don't earn badly, around £90k for the household, with a little progression but not much realistically other than inflation. We have a 3 bed house and a car which can't fit 3 carseats in however we'd afford a move or share rooms.

However tonight I thought about the practicalities- how can we afford x3 £50 per day holiday camps for the summer holidays? How would i manage the school runs without my parents helping (who couldn't do it with 3 kids but could with 2 due to cars). I can't afford to cut my hours as we both earn equally, we'd afford 3 but it would be tight, where as now we aren't tight at all.

I've decided it's best to stop at 2, as it's unfair to disadvantage my other kids for a 3rd only I want.

I'm absolutely heartbroken- I can't stop crying despite having a newborn to enjoy. I feel like a baby has disappeared, i should have cherished my final pregnancy, and those first weeks of newborn, but i always thought thered be another. My husband keeps saying never say never but it feels final, how can I disadvantage my current 2 kids for a hypothetical 3rd.

How do I stop thinking about this, I always wanted 3 but I don't think it will happen and it Hurts so much. I know it's going to be painful packing their clothes up and selling rather than keeping them, same with the pram etc. I was so gutted packing my peri bottle away knowing it'll never be needed again.

I think I'll always pray for an oopsie baby, knowing it's unlikely to ever happen as I'm careful.

Nothing really to this post other than needing to share this somewhere.

Honestly, I would let the practicalities work themselves out.. do they need summer camps? God forbid something happened your parents and they couldn't do the school run you'd have to find a solution anyway. I agree with your husband, never say never especially if you can afford it. Enjoy your baby!

I'll say this gently - you're 5 weeks PP. Give it time. These decisions don't need to be made now.

If you find yourself thinking like this - write your feelings down to get it out of your head then go enjoy your babies.

You could have a big gap between 2&3, big enough that the eldest wouldn't need summer camps and could get themselves to school?

I think a lot of women do end up with an oopsie baby though if they're desperate for one, the subconscious mind likes to play tricks on us!

They'll need summer camps as both of us work full time, we'll be able to get some time off but not every week so the kids will need to go into camps for childcare.

I guess you're right about my parents though, I do need a back up regardless.

I'm just really struggling seeing all this babies firsts knowing it's likely the last time I'll experience them (but knowing I want to do it again)

I know they don't. And I'm sure the PP hormones aren't helping, but I don't think i can have a few years of "if we have another". I need to know if it's a never, so I don't keep picturing where the 3rd will slot in.

I'll try writing it down thank you!

Possibly - I am only 30 but not sure if I want to start all over again in my late 30s and would feel bad for the last child as they'd be less close to their siblings

My form of contraception is an IUD so oopsies aren't likely. I did get pregnant on it a few years ago but it ended up in a traumatic loss after thinking i had an ectopic pregnancy - id hope that never happens again due to danger. Obviously it's not like the pill where I can 'forget' it or it counteracts antibiotics etc.

We're in a similar position OP. Two beautiful, wonderful kids (DS3 and DD1). My wife has said she physically can't carry another one but I do feel like a 3rd would complete us.

Then I realise one of the kids would be "outnumbered" so to speak, as we'd have 2 boys or 2 girls. Us the parents would also be outnumbered when it's already a bit of a challenge to stay organised with 2.

Everything would change, house, car, nursery fees etc.

Our household income puts us easily into the top 10% in UK but I don't want to be paying a mortgage into my 60s (I'm 38) if we have to move to bigger.

I'm on the list for a vasectomy but it's 18 months to be seen apparently. In short, if an oopsie baby happens between now and then I'll see it as meant to be. If not, then that also is meant to be.

It’s hormones. Two is great! You will be glad when they are teens. Three sets of GCSE’s and a levels then potentially 3 sets of university fees! Ouch.

Having a gap doesn't mean they aren't close. I know of 3 siblings where middle and youngest have a big gap but are the closest. Then older one will grow out of needing camps etc. It's maybe not what you think it is. You have time. Enjoy the baby you have now regardless or you will regret that too

We wanted 3 and we had as the last were twins. We made sure we could afford it and everything else didn't matter. And yes we had to get a 7 seater car and yes we had to add my parents to the insurance and we just swap cars if they go with my parents for the day or weekend and yes I cut back on work as wasn't worth paying nursery fees, but other than that wouldn't change a thing with 3 under 3 and an older. Happy as can be, still have our holidays, still have our spends, still have our bills up to date etc and love it 😊

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I've only ever wanted two and I'm absolutely certain my family is complete but it's still upsetting to pack things away and know this is my last baby. I know I definitely don't want another but hard to accept nonetheless.

Why are you making all these decisions when you are hormonal and sleep deprived? You have a newborn. Give yourself some time .

Oh gosh you could wait at least 5 years! I wouldn’t worry at all.

I mean if you can afford full time care for the preschooler the entire time from returning to work until school then £150 a day during holidays is hardly comparable really. You’re also unlikely to need full holiday care for all 3 for long. This is obsessing over minor details imo.

Either way this isn’t really something you should focus on now. Don’t let this take away from your baby.

OP you sound very sensible. Your reasons for stopping at 2 are the reasons we only have 1!

Much more responsible than stretching yourself too thin and reducing the quality of all your lives.

Good grief woman, try to park this and see how you feel in a few years time, no one is asking you to do anything irreversible yet.
We had a family visit to the vasectomy clinic when my youngest was 6mo because we definitely didn’t want more, but I was 41yo then.
Give yourself time and see how life shakes down.

You are truly blessed.

your new baby is only 5 weeks old, instead of worrying about a potential third or not, why not appreciate what you have!

Life has a funny old way of working itself out just the way it’s meant to be. Focus on your new baby for now, you never know what life will throw your way in the future.

I'm just really struggling seeing all this babies firsts knowing it's likely the last time I'll experience them
If you try to reframe those thoughts and set aside decision making for now it will help (difficult I know).
Each child's "firsts* are unique experiences.
You will never get to experience them again.
You aren't reliving dc1's milestones as you experience dc2's. They're 'here and now' experiences. Not experienced in anticipation.
Try to keep your focus on the here and now. Dc's new role as a sibling and these precious early times with dc2.
If it's hard to dismiss thoughts of the future, perhaps write them down, and put in a folder or box. You can revisit in a year or 2 when you are physically and emotionally less vulnerable.

I have 3 boys aged 5, 3 and 2. I always wanted 4 children as I was one of 4. We moved into our family home 3 weeks before baby no 2 was born. I've always had to work full-time, our family income is similar to yours.

I had to return to work when each of mine were 7 months old as I couldn't afford the drop in pay. I work in the emergency services and do shifts including nights. We haven't got a bigger car as we have two cars between my husband and I. We couldn't afford to upgrade and it's never been a problem for us as we tend to take the kids out separately, to spend quality time with each of them.

We had to employ a nanny after my third to help do the school runs & look after my youngest two. We won't have anymore children as we can't afford it. We have no help from grandparents as we are estranged from my husband's parents, (his choice) due to them being toxic parents. My mother is on her own as my Dad passed away and is too old to help. It can absolutely be done to have a third but it is hard. I love all my children dearly. I wish I didn't have to work full time so I could enjoy their childhood more and look after them all by myself. It would never have been possible though as I need to work to cover the mortgage and bills. The cost of the nanny was actually less than having both of my younger two in full time nursery and trying to sort out my eldest for being taken to and from school. I'm actively seeking a career change now for a better work / life balance as I'm exhausted.

Each of my boys are different and unique in their own way. Please enjoy this special time with your baby as it goes so quickly. I didn't get the chance to really enjoy any of my pregnancies as I had to work right up to my due dates with all of them then it was straight into looking after them. It goes so fast and the time is so precious. Don't give up hope of having a third, but also cherish this time as it really is precious

Oh and I'm 42 now so not a spring chicken at all!

Once they reach school age and you're out of the baby stage there's more exciting stuff to come. Enjoy your new baby.

I'm 38 next month and want to have a third. My two are nearly 5 and nearly 3.

I understand that it requires big changes and as it stands I have a ford focus and we live in a 2 bed house.... but if husband will be persuaded I won't let that stand in our way. A bigger house is on the cards and I guess trading in my car won't be such a big deal?!

We have no regular outside help though my parents come and stay to help at times. I make use of playdates for extra childcare in school holidays. Luckily my son is great at making friends and my daughter tags along like his shadow.

My only anxiety is I have an upcoming gyno appointment for changes in my uterus... once that is seen to, I will give the idea more serious thought...

I'm just saying if it is what you really want then you have a lot of time to work things out. Equally, a family of four is a wonderful and manageable thing.

I do think that you need to see your preoccupation with this issue as something hormonal, or as something produced by all the stresses of having a newborn - the sleeplessness, the additional anxieties. Your brain is going into overdrive fretting about hypotheticals.

In reality your future is as open as anyone else's in this respect. You have zero need to make any kind of decision about this at the moment, or in 6 months, or in three years, etc. You can sit with the possibility of a third child for the rest of your fertile life.

In the kindest possible way, you need to get a bit of perspective on this anxiety. I can remember being a little self-indulgent in this respect after the birth of my second child, and I feel ashamed of it now.

My second child was a second boy. My ideal family would have been one of each, and since we wouldn't be having a third I had to face up to the fact that I would never have a daughter. I was so bound up in sadness about this that I unloaded a bit a close relative who had not been able to conceive at all. And then I realised how self-absorbed and insensitive I was being, and how intensely fortunate I was to have my two wonderful children.

IMO big gaps are often closer. No competition.