Decided to stop at 2 - heartbroken

[Mamaof2not3]

Tonight I decided we are stopping at 2 kids.

I'm 5 weeks post partum to my 2nd child. I've longed for 3 kids as long as I can remember - always wanted 3.

We don't earn badly, around £90k for the household, with a little progression but not much realistically other than inflation. We have a 3 bed house and a car which can't fit 3 carseats in however we'd afford a move or share rooms.

However tonight I thought about the practicalities- how can we afford x3 £50 per day holiday camps for the summer holidays? How would i manage the school runs without my parents helping (who couldn't do it with 3 kids but could with 2 due to cars). I can't afford to cut my hours as we both earn equally, we'd afford 3 but it would be tight, where as now we aren't tight at all.

I've decided it's best to stop at 2, as it's unfair to disadvantage my other kids for a 3rd only I want.

I'm absolutely heartbroken- I can't stop crying despite having a newborn to enjoy. I feel like a baby has disappeared, i should have cherished my final pregnancy, and those first weeks of newborn, but i always thought thered be another. My husband keeps saying never say never but it feels final, how can I disadvantage my current 2 kids for a hypothetical 3rd.

How do I stop thinking about this, I always wanted 3 but I don't think it will happen and it Hurts so much. I know it's going to be painful packing their clothes up and selling rather than keeping them, same with the pram etc. I was so gutted packing my peri bottle away knowing it'll never be needed again.

I think I'll always pray for an oopsie baby, knowing it's unlikely to ever happen as I'm careful.

Nothing really to this post other than needing to share this somewhere.

Definitely never say never, you don’t know where you’ll be in a couple of years time.
your post partum hormones are probably not helping how you’re feeling right now but try and park it and revisit another time.

Breakfast clubs are apparently going to be available and free for all, that’s one less worry!

I wanted 3 children but secondary infertility meant I only got 1, you don't always get what you want.

It's a very long time since and I was heartbroken but feel now it was for the best and have no regrets.

If you don't take yourself in hand, you're going to be very sad one day that you didn't enjoy your second baby because you were moping about an imaginary third.

I have one by choice but still felt sad giving away baby/toddler clothes but now she's an adult, I'm so glad I enjoyed each stage of her precious life.

I agree that OP is wise to think these things through, we have 3 and didn’t really properly think the longer financial impact of that through properly.

Now we have 3 and the cost of three lots of clubs, school trips, residentials etc is putting a strain on our family. We have one child in a box room and we can’t afford to change that. I don’t really know how we will afford things like driving lessons, the children will have to get jobs and pay for those themselves.

I agree that you don’t have to make these decisions now but if you are clear you have a standard of living you want to maintain and wish for your your children then you are wise to consider this.

The childcare years are expensive, then it eases off a bit but comes back again when they are older and wanting to take part in more out of school activities, camps, trips etc and this definitely has a financial impact.

I thought the same and boy am I glad I didn't have a third!!!! It's just hormonal and grief that this is the last time you'll have a new born and you want to replicate this moment. You'll get over it and even be grateful, these babies tend to grow up ... and then what? More money, more space needed, more energy needed. Bigger cars, more expensive holidays, more clothes, shoes, equipment, clubs, more dinners, washing up, bigger shopping bills and tte worst one... more years doing the grim primary school run ???!!!! No thanks

Mine are 17 (almost 18!), 14, 9 and 7. A few different age gaps there and they all have different dynamics within that. Sometimes youngest and eldest clash, the middle two often get on really well. Youngest two get on well but can argue at times. Older two get on well mostly together.

Don't just assume a massive age gap means that they won't get along. My 14yo and 9yo get on really well most of the time. Fair enough, they didn't have much in common as a 5yo and newborn but years later that can change!

OP I agree with this comment. We had a smaller gap between 1&2 and had to pay for childcare etc for both at the same time which was expensive. We always wanted a 3rd but resigned ourselves to the fact that it wasn’t going to happen (I was late 30’s when we started trying). I was desperately sad about missing out on a much longed for 3rd baby, but by complete surprise I became pregnant at 41. Pregnancy has been fine except for pelvic girdle pain which I experienced with all pregnancies. Really looking forward to this baby and the older children (almost 8 and 5.5 when baby is due) are so independent I imagine it’ll be much easier to juggle a newborn with two school aged kids. But one of the unexpected advantages is how financially it’ll be more doable. The first two will be in uni at the same time but the third won’t be. We’ll only have to pay for childcare for one child this time around. Another family member had a large gap between 2&3 and found it so much easier than looking after a toddler and newborn at the same time. You’re young (much younger than me!) so you have plenty of time yet to decide. This chapter isn’t closed so just try to enjoy your precious newborn cuddles without feeling sad about a third that you have plenty of time to decide on!

Gaps aren't an automatic barrier to closeness. There's almost 14 years between me and my older sibling and I am closer to her than I am to my next sibling who is only 18 months' younger than me.

Likewise in my extended family, two of my nieces are very close and there's an 8 year gap between them.

When my second baby was about 6 months I became totally obsessed with having a third. It occupied my every thought which would make me so upset as I wanted to focus on my baby. I understand how all consuming these thoughts can be. He is 2 now and, although I still would like a third, I’m not obsessed with deciding if it will definitely happen or not. The way you feel will likely calm over time.

You are very newly post partum. Try and just enjoy your baby. You don't know what the future holds. I'd think about whether this is a touch of PND as it can manifest in weird ways.

Maybe in a few years you'll go for another one, maybe you will be over the urge. At 30 you have time on your side and larger gaps can be great.

I'd have loved three in the abstract but age, how long it took me to get pregnant both times, how much I hate being pregnant are all putting me off. Maybe I'll feel different in a few years as well but there is no point stressing about it now.

Oh OP I know how you feel, I honestly spent the first year of my youngest’s life thinking about whether to have a third. I think it’s that feeling of wanting to know whether their firsts are also your lasts. Also most likely you always knew you wanted a second so it wasn’t a thought process with your first, whereas a third seems like a much bigger decision. He is 20 months now and while every so often I still question our decision to stick at two, I think about it a lot less than I did. Also you’re only 30 so you have years yet! I’m 37 so time is not on my side.

I thought i was done, we went for a 3rd and had twins so that was where we decided to stop lol and we were careful was even looking into sterilisation/vasectomy as it had been nearly 9 years since our twins and no lingering feelings of wanting another and then i got pregnant, i now have a 12 month old, there is a 8 nearly 9 year gap between twins and baby, but it is great, i wish i had left a bigger gap between my other children tbh, we all get time together and older siblings (14,12&9twins) fabsolutely adore her and she them, they are young enough to still want to play silly games with her but also old enough for me to ask them to watch her in the bath for a minute if ive forgot to grab her towel, i get time alone with baby too while the older kids are at school, i would wait till your other 2 are older and then go for a 3rd, yes there will be a age gap but honestly its great xx

I'm in the opposite camp and always wanted 2 for all the reasons you have cited. Found out that baby number 2 is actually babies numbers 2 and 3. I have spent an awful lot of time crying over it but we're working out the practicalities. Perhaps you can too?

Agree
This is just baby hormones talking
Shelf it for now, give your dh a hug - he's got your back and enjoy your baby

I was like this as I had step children, so I knew it was not practical
Many years later was the right choice
Still sad - last pregnancy etc.

We have 4 DC on alot less if that helps at all?

You are only 5 weeks PP no need to make a decision now!

Bigger gaps are better in so many ways.

You have another decade of reproductive years.

Just wait until you don't need 3 car seats.