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Original poster

if u don't see inl's for 3/4 weeks what are they like with your dc?

44 replies

bigboydiditandranaway · 04/05/2008 04:01

I have always found inl's very intense, they can be overbearing and controlling too. With ds, they want to be the centre of his attention all the time and even if i say anything to ds they have to copy what i'm saying as if to regain his attention.

I try to think well it will be another 3/4 weeks till we see them and when we see them it's for about 3hrs or so, the time will soon pass etc. But they always leave me wound up through their comments or huffs(mil)and i feel jealous i suppose that they have all of ds's attention too. I know that it's valuable to a child to have doting gp's and it is good to have a bit of a break from looking after ds(i'm a sahm) but this feeling doesn't seem to go away.(ds is 2.2)

Does anyone else feel like this at times?

Does anyone else have inl's/parents like this?

OP posts:

splishsplosh · 04/05/2008 04:31

Do they come to your house, or you visit them? Do they live far away?

Personally I find it easier for dd to spend the day with gps on her own. That way they enjoy her undivided attention, i don't get to witness anything I might find annoying and I get a bit of a break. Is that a possibility for you? Dd is 2.3

laura032004 · 04/05/2008 04:43

I have two different scenarios with the DS's gps. My parents live abroad, so we visit for a couple of weeks minimum. This is great as there's no need for them to enjoy every second with the DS's. My MIL visits for a w/e every month or 5 weeks. She's a bit more full-on. However, I try to give her time by herself with the boys, which helps both of us, she gets their undivided attention, and I get a real break. To be honest, when she's around, she mainly spends time with the kids whilst I do housework. Some of this is probably so that I don't have to witness her doing things that I wouldn't for the whole time.

I would imagine that if they only see your DS for a few hours once a month, they are going to seem a bit intense, but I do think that interested gp's are a generally good thing for the children, and worth putting up with.

egypt · 04/05/2008 05:28

it's difficult

my dh seems to feel like this with my parents. he is q insecure and the fact that dd loves to spend time with them (my mum inparticular) really makes the atmosphere tense. I feel terrible for my mum as he makes it q obvious. we live on the other side of the world to them, so only see them a couple of times a year but it's intense as they live with us for 2 weeks at a time.

otoh, i understand how you are feeling as i used to feel this way with my mil. i used to dread her coming to see dd. dd used to cry, and generally didn't 'take' to her, which made me uptight, and mil even more clingy to try and 'get' her to like her! she always wanted to 'nick her for the weekend' and i was really not into that. now i have a second dd i wish i just let her have time with her on their own. it is much easier when you aren't around and tbh, i think its a bit of a pfb thing too.

it's so important for them to build a relationship with gps. you have to grin and bear it - they aren't doing anything wrong. you are lucky that they have such an interest in your lo. in fact you need to think about what is in it for your child, not how awful it is for yourself. i am soo angry with dh over his feeling for my mum. she does nothing but love, play, listen to dd and he thinks she is being overbearing.. some gps dont care about their gc.

give it time, you will feel better as he gets older.

your mil has huffs though? why?

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Original poster

bigboydiditandranaway · 04/05/2008 19:12

mil huffs at things i say or a loving look between dh & i.

i am expecting, so i'm trying to remember that it will help when the baby arrives and it is good for ds to have gp's that are interested, i know, sometimes i just find it a bit difficult.

i think if i genuinely enjoyed their company it would be easier too, but hope like you have said egypt it will get better as ds gets older, my dh says that too, and that ds won't want so much attention from them.

maybe you're right about the pfb thing, didn't help though when pil came to visit after i got out of hospital from having ds and fil said something along the lines of well why we're here we'll be holding him all the time as you can do that anytimeas if i would hog my baby and not let them hold him, and i gave them no reason to say that

thanks for your messages, i think it's helped

OP posts:

Eaglebird · 04/05/2008 19:32

Both my & DPs parents live fairly nearby, but I take DS to visit my parents more often than I take him to visit DPs parents, which I feel a bit bad about.

I'm currently on maternity leave and have DP to look after all day, so sometimes I pop to my parents a couple of times a week for a bit of a break. I can foist DS off onto one of my parnts while I have a cuppa & read the paper, and I don't have to be jolly & make polite chit-chat. I can be tired & miserable & sit in silence for a while, and that's ok with them.
However, at DPs parents house I feel the need to be pleasant all the time, which is really draining when you're knackered. That's why I visit my own parents more.

A few weeks ago DP, DS & I went to visit his parents. DP went in the front door carrying DS, and his mother started cooing over DS straight away, as grandparents do. Then I went in and said 'hello', to which she replied 'Oh, you're insignificant' and started cooing over DS again. How charming!
I'm sure she meant no offence by it, and was just meaning that DS is the apple of her eye, but I thought it was quite an insensitive thing to say.

Original poster

bigboydiditandranaway · 04/05/2008 19:42

poor u EB, i've heard something like that from my friends mil, she said i've only come to see you to her gc...

it is draining with inl's i agree, especially when they aren't laid back. i prefer to see more of my parents, generally because i get along better with them and they live closer.

OP posts:

ranting · 04/05/2008 19:50

My ILs are lovely and we see them every 3/4 weeks. She does make a huge fuss of the dc whenever she sees them and tbh I am fine with this (she doesn't do the huffy thing though), she adores them. I don't mind because they are her gc (well ds technically speaking isn't but she treats him exactly as she treats her other gc). Think I'm very lucky as she would drop everything in a heartbeat if we needed a babysitter or anything actually.

Original poster

bigboydiditandranaway · 05/05/2008 08:13

That sounds great ranting, what a difference it must make to have inl's without the controlling and overbearing bits. There has always been this since dh & i started getting more serious, so i should be used to it, but to be honest it just grinds me down.

OP posts:

ProfYaffle · 05/05/2008 08:31

My parents are overbearing in this way. It really does get easier as they get older and you have more dcs. My Dad used to have a really odd habit of whisking dd1 out of the room so that he could play with her alone. That stopped when she got old enough to say 'I want Mummy!' and walk away.

I now have dd2 and when Mum and Dad are capering around performing for the dcs I just shrug, think 'knock yourself out' and settle down with a good book. Over time, everyone gives a little. The novelty wears off a bit for the gps and dh and I have relaxed a bit.

Like Ranting said, my parents will also drop everything and come 250 miles to look after the dcs if we need it so there are advantages.

at 'you're insignificant' though, that's appalling.

AbbeyA · 05/05/2008 08:31

Why not leave them on their own with them for a couple of hours and have a break?

ShowOfHands · 05/05/2008 08:45

I sympathise. My MIL is very similar it would seem. In the grand scheme of things it is fairly insignificant and I am appreciative of the fact that dd has such a doting g'ma. I have found that I have to ignore any of the annoying behaviour, smile benignly and encourage dd to spend as much time with her as they both want. Otherwise I'd be a loon and highly irritated during each visit. She calls dd 'my baby', told me a little while ago that it was unfair of me to hold dd while I had guests as they needed a turn (I was bf!) and when I protested that I was just feeding my baby, she very seriously informed me that 'dd isn't your baby when there are other people who aren't getting a look in'. If dd asks for me or reaches out for me she tells her quite sharply 'you don't want mummy, you want g'ma'. If dd persists in her attempts to get to me, MIL will whisk her away all the time saying 'no, you don't want her, don't be silly'. She's 11 months old fgs! She also gets very cross that dd won't 'talk' to her on the phone (dd either chews the phone or throws it on the floor), cue MIL wailing that dd doesn't love her. I repeat, she's 11 months old.

It's a heady mix of dh being her PFB (who I stole away/lured/tricked) and dd being the first grandchild and the result is a slight insanity I think. I tell myself I'll be the same one day and try not to scream angrily at her.

AbbeyA · 05/05/2008 08:46

I think that you are being over sensitive Eaglebird, it is the comment grandparents make all the time, I expect that they would be horrified if they thought that you took it at face value!

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 08:49

i dont think eaglebird s being over sensitive at all. that is a very rude and nasty thing to say

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 08:50

not what you said, abbey, i meant what MIL says is rude

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 08:52

my parents are like eaglebirds. i can plonk down adn read the paper and be grumpy and tired sometimes, obviously they are my parents and we can be ourselves in fromt of each other

with my FIL i have to be polite and sit nicely and make flippin small talk (i hate small talk for the sake of it) and he generally just boots the dds out the way anyway. he cant be bothered with them and just wants to smother his "specail son" ie dh

AbbeyA · 05/05/2008 08:53

It depends on how she said it nailpolish, I expect it was a joke and she would have expected it to have been taken as such! I can see why I get into trouble-I say tongue in cheek things like that and never expect people to take it literally! I have a cousin like that and I have to be very careful because she is very serious minded!

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 08:55

well i certainly wouldnt say that to someone. joking or not. at a stretch its sarcasm which is completely unfunny at the best of times. why cant people just be nice?

really annoys me

sarahloumadam · 05/05/2008 09:22

Bigboydidit - I have similar issues with my ils , we live in the same town but they only visit about once a month and that is more than enough tbh cos they wear me out! DS howls when he sees them which he doesn't do for anyone else, ever (and I am not nipping him - honest ). It makes me sad because DS is such a sweet, happy baby and they must think he is a real whinger. They are just a bit OTT with him. Think it will be better when I feel happy leaving him on his own with them cos I won't have to get irritated with them and hopefully DS will develop a nice relationship with them as other gps are 100s of miles away. I do wonder if DS picks up on my negative vibes tho...

AbbeyA · 05/05/2008 09:52

I think that you must be very insecure if you take a jocular remark the wrong way.

WinkyWinkola · 05/05/2008 09:58

I just don't get it.

Why can't people just be normal, balanced and relaxed when they visit friends or relatives? Why does it have to be intense, overbearing focus all the time?

IMO, it's not normal just to focus intently on one person for two hours or whatever time, be it a child or adult. Most people would play with the DCs, chat to the adults, play with the DCs, have a cup of tea or lunch, chat, play etc.

I had this intense face-to-face nonsense with my MIL only DS hated it and would clout her whenever she came too near. She was just too in his face and he likes his space. DD is the same.

She's now learned to be normal around and to give the children space and let them get on with stuff. And guess what, DS now clambers on her lap for a story because she's not so weirdly intense.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 10:01

im extremely secure, thanks abbey

Tommy · 05/05/2008 10:13

my MIL was a bit like this - especially with DS1. Very intense - aways wanting to spend all her time with him etc. It annoyed me because it got to the point where he assumed that she would be like that all the time and if we saw them for longer (staying there for w/e etc) she obviously couldn't keep it up.
Howvere, now DS1 is 6, he doesn't really want to play with Grandma all the time and things have become a bit more "normal" IYSWIM.

The only thing now is that when we go to the park she spends the whole time worring that he's going to fall off the climbing frame

AbbeyA · 05/05/2008 10:14

It is just a comment that grandparent's make over and over again-I can't imagine why anyone would read anything into it. If you analyse it then it is a pretty stupid thing to say, but if you have a secure loving relationship with people you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells in case you unintentionally upset them.

nannyjo · 05/05/2008 10:32

I just try to remember that it is for the DC's benefit. They don't see them that much so when they do it's nice for them to have that attention. I would be more upset if they weren't bothered about them being there and got little attention from them.

You need to learn the art of switching off from it. It took me a while to learn that but once I did it's made it nice to see them cos I know how much they love it.

nailpolish · 05/05/2008 12:11

abbey - but thats the point - the relationship with the ILs is strained already

sarky comments are not taking jovially in these circumstances

obv we ar not going to agree

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