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Parenting

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Original poster

My (nearly) 3 year old does not like his looks! (Curly hair and a scar on his face)

45 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:17

What can I do to help my son?
He has started spending time infront of the mirror, trying to straighten his curls with water. But worse, he is trying rub away the scar above his eyebrow. He will take tissue paper, moisten it with water, and rub and rub on the scar, willing it to go away. He is talking about the accident where he got the scar, as he rubs.

My heart is breaking for him, he is so gorgeous (in my opinion of course), but it is upsetting that he is starting to obsess about his looks, and that he doesnt appear to like what he sees.

His pic is in my profile. It is not an overly big scar is it? Tell me it will fade over time? Ok, it is not so clear in the picture, but.... It is there, and he does not like it.

My mum tells me boys get bullied for having curls. Is that true?

OP posts:

hippipotami · 03/05/2008 22:20

Hi Quint, sorry to hear your ds is not happy.
I can't see your profile, but am sure your ds is gorgeous.

Girls like boys with curls, I like boys with curls.

And as for the scar, tell him about Harry Potter's scar, that may cheer him up

Hope you are okay.

laurz75 · 03/05/2008 22:22

Can't see your profile but I am sure he is gorgeous - didn't want to read and run. I think you need to explain that everyone has things they wish were different about themselves but sometimes we just can't change them.Also talk lots about the accident and explain it to him. I don't think kids bat an eyelid about their peers' appearance until they much older ( and he may want a v short cut before then!!!). Good Luck.

Oblomov · 03/05/2008 22:23

I can't see your profile QS.
No advice I am afraid. My middle brother hated having curly hair.
I love scars. They make you interesting. They tell a story. Make you unique.

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General parenting

PeaGreene · 03/05/2008 22:25

Your mum doesn't sound very helpful. I hope she hasn't said anything like that in front of your DS.

mrbojangles · 03/05/2008 22:25

My advise would be to remove the mirror.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:27

sorry, I forgot to make it visible, i normally dont keep it visible. Durrr!

Thanks for reassurance. Good idea about Harry Potter!

I cant remove the mirror, as it is in the bathroom. But I can try distract him from it.

No, mum has not said anything in front of him.

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 03/05/2008 22:28

At his age (not yet 3) I think I would be inclined to try and ignore or at least play down all attempts at hair-straightening

Re scar I would be factual about how it occured etc, why we get scars etc

In the meantime I would play up and exaggerate in a lovely way all other loveliness

seeker · 03/05/2008 22:29

I can't see your profile - but if his hair is long and curly, I would grit my teeth and get it cut short. My ds has long blond hair and at the moment he likes it (he fancies the surfer dude look) but I am ready to get it cut as soon as he wants (although it will break my heart)

Is the scar very noticable? Vitamin E oil is very good for helping scars to fade - perhaps if you got some and he could put it on three times a day he would feel he was doing something about it and that would make him feel better?

And of course, lots of reassurance and cuddles from you and everyone else around him, poor lamb.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:34

Although I agree about talking about accidents, this one was caused by his brother making abit of a slingshot with the minigolf club at the same time as ds2 ran forward and bent down to look at the golf ball... Nearly took his eye out, it was very dramatic. DS1 was so upset he was beside himself and nearly sick. It is hard to talk about it without making DS1 upset, and DS2 upset with his brother!

On the other hand, maybe this is the reason ds2 has given to hit and kick and bite DS1 recently?
Maybe we need to sit down and talk about it to get it out of the system and for ds1 to come to terms with it? So far I have played it down as an unfortunate accident.

OP posts:

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:39

It should be visible now....

His hair is short. Even shorter than in the picture, but they are standing up, and out, and everywhere!

OP posts:

notnowbernard · 03/05/2008 22:39

It sounds like an unfortunate accident! Poor ds1 and ds2!

I reckon you should sit down and do a bit of de-briefing

Remember, though, ds2 is not even 3... very young to be getting a complex about how he looks...just play it down! If he was dd2, not ds2, and was saying he looked fat, bet you'd be ignoring that one...

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:58

Yes, I guess you are right, we need to talk about it.

Thanks for support guys, means a lot. (it is such a small matter, and there are so many more serious threads)

OP posts:

seeker · 03/05/2008 23:03

Really don't forget the Vitamin E oil. You can get it from Boots.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 23:06

I am not in England, but will check my local pharmacy for this oil. Thanks

OP posts:

NumptyMum · 03/05/2008 23:12

Hi QS, sorry to hear about DS2 disliking his curls/scar. Re the scar, think other posters right to suggest you talk accident over with him and DS1. Re the curls, I see DS1's hair is shorter and less curly - is that likely to be a reason for DS2's fixation with his own curls?? Or do you think he has heard someone else say something negative about curls? Are there any people who he knows/or are famous that have curly hair and are admired? You could say that his hair is like a lion's, blond and WAVY (not curly)...

Ellbell · 03/05/2008 23:14

He looks gorgeous Quint. Harry Potter is a very good idea. Also (if he's worried that having curls makes him look girlie) tell him it makes him look 'tough'. (Not desperately into the 'girls are pretty, boys are tough' stereotyping, but in this case, if it cheers him up I'd go for it!) His hair may well calm down a bit as he gets older. Dd1 had curly hair that seemed initially (once she got hair at all - she was nearly bald for about 18 months!) to grow straight up vertically. But now it's wavy but lies down straight. Meanwhile, keep it short, because that will make it easier to control. Poor chap that he's so worried about this... I'm sure he'll grow up to realise it's not such a big deal.

Tortington · 03/05/2008 23:18

he's cutie and your a foxy dudette yourself

i second removing the mirror and cutting his hair - this might be a phase

AitchTwoCiao · 03/05/2008 23:20

dd has curly hair, it's gorgeous and she's a girl etc etc but it does surprise me that every single person comments on it. i've heard her talking to herself about her 'lovely curls'. perhaps he's just feeling a bit self-conscious cos everyone mentions it, albeit they're doing so in a positive way?

as for the scar, of course it's not huge but if it bothers him, then it is huge iykwim? there's a product called bio-oil over here that's supposed to be very good for scars. and happry p a very good idea imo.

Ellbell · 03/05/2008 23:28

Just came back to this, Quint, because I wondered whether he really understands what the scar is...? Not sure how much you've talked about it, but it may be that he thinks that the fact that there is still a mark there means that it is not properly 'better' yet (hence the rubbing to 'make it better'). Might be totally barking up the wrong tree, but just a thought. He is still very young. DD2 had to have five stitches in her top lip when she was about 3.5 and she was definitely quite surprised by how much better it looked when the stitches came out (as if she thought that the little black bits were going to be a permanent fixture).

BTW have never heard of boys being bullied for having curly hair.

UnderRated · 03/05/2008 23:30

If you can get hold of Palmer's cocoa butter, that helps with scars. Or you can buy some stronger scar stuff which has worked well on me - I haven't used it on a little one.

He is gorgeous. I love curly hair on children. I do understand how he feels though as I spent many many years trying to straighten my hair before I came to terms with the fact that it is, and always will be very curly.

UnderRated · 03/05/2008 23:31

(Mederma is the scar stuff I have used)

UnderRated · 03/05/2008 23:32

No idea why I put that in brackets

AitchTwoCiao · 03/05/2008 23:33

chunkychips · 03/05/2008 23:34

He's gorgeous and the scar is hardly visible. If he really doesn't like his hair could you get it cut and by the time it grows again, he may have gone past the phase. There's a plaster you can get from elastoplast Scar Reduction Pads which are supposed to work on old scars, but takes a few weeks before you see any difference (haven't tried them, but that's what it says on the packet!). Might be fuelling the problem though, better to change his mind about it. Good idea about Harry Potter or do you have a scar that you could show him and explain how you got it.

Alambil · 03/05/2008 23:35

I'll be happy to post you some oil Quint if you need?

Could he understand "mummy has curly hair - you look like mummy" etc or is the scar the main problem?

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