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Parenting

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Original poster

My (nearly) 3 year old does not like his looks! (Curly hair and a scar on his face)

45 replies

QuintessentialShadows · 03/05/2008 22:17

What can I do to help my son?
He has started spending time infront of the mirror, trying to straighten his curls with water. But worse, he is trying rub away the scar above his eyebrow. He will take tissue paper, moisten it with water, and rub and rub on the scar, willing it to go away. He is talking about the accident where he got the scar, as he rubs.

My heart is breaking for him, he is so gorgeous (in my opinion of course), but it is upsetting that he is starting to obsess about his looks, and that he doesnt appear to like what he sees.

His pic is in my profile. It is not an overly big scar is it? Tell me it will fade over time? Ok, it is not so clear in the picture, but.... It is there, and he does not like it.

My mum tells me boys get bullied for having curls. Is that true?

OP posts:

Dragonbutter · 03/05/2008 23:38

You need some positive role models of people with curly hair. for some reason i can only think of Hunter from Gladiators think that might be the wine.
Who else?

chunkychips · 03/05/2008 23:42

Do 3 year olds tease each other about that sort of thing? Not sure they're old enough, I know my ds wouldn't have noticed if anyone had curly hair or none at all at that age.

itsahardknocklife · 03/05/2008 23:44

I'm afraid I can offer no advice, but I just wanted to say that your son is gorgeous What a great smile he has.

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rosealbie · 03/05/2008 23:45

My ds had really curly blonde hair as a todler and as he has got oler it has darkened and the curls are now just at the front. He doesn't mind it, has never been teased and the only problem he can see with it is that it doesn't spike up as easily as short hair with gel!

chunkychips · 03/05/2008 23:46

newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/39379000/jpg/_39379041_beckham_hair_203.jpg

how about this one!

lucykate · 03/05/2008 23:48

qs, how long ago was the accident?, scars do take quite a while to fade. my ds has 2 chicken pox scars on his face which were red for nearly a year before fading.

i've never heard of boys being bullied for having curly hair!, his hair is lovely.

Ellbell · 03/05/2008 23:51

I've added a couple of pictures of dd2 to my profile (fingers crossed it'll work!) which you can show him if you think it'll help.

Ellbell · 03/05/2008 23:55

Bums! That didn't work. Trying again!

S1ur · 04/05/2008 00:06

Look. He is lovely. Completely. This is a passing phase. He is utterly goregous the scar will fade. But even if it didn't he would be so lovely it would make absolutely no difference anyway. You know this. HE is proabably just exploring his own image and thinking about how he is differnet to other people.

If it was a positive comparison you'd be made up! The fact that it isn't is not the end of the world, it is probably a momentary feeling, in the scale of things.

I agree with playing it down to an extent.

It is unlikely to become a serious body image issue at not-yet-three.

I think, play with his image a bit for fun, to empathise the transitory nature of looks (hark at me psych 101) so get the face paints out more, stick ribbons in hair/gel spikes etc. Decorate and meanwhile subversively underline the fundamental person being underneath. You can 'pretend' but you are still 'you'. iyswim.

Oh and bullied for curls? Nah curls at teenage = very sexy! (not that you want to concern yourself with that!)

beaniesteve · 04/05/2008 00:10

Do you think someone is bullying him or that he's getting the general impression from somewhere that his curls are bad? so sad if he is somehow getting the idea that he should be anything other than himself.

S1ur · 04/05/2008 00:13

oh also if you choose to mention it.

Curly hair is stronger yes.
Scars, the body is working well to heal itself so strong and clever.

Personally I would remember that people are not m,eant to be unblemished. Skin is there to protect us and take knocks. I have exciting scars and memroy scars and drunken scars etc.

Have you shown him any of yours? How about your stretchmarks? That tell you, everyday, that he grew inside you and you nourished him and here he is!

Everyone, EVERYONE, has blemishes. It is part of living and playing and climbing and falling and bumping and enjoying and dancing and drinking and falling over again. Smooth skin should be reserved for newborns.

S1ur · 04/05/2008 00:13

scuse typos

nappyaddict · 04/05/2008 00:47

he looks just like you i saw the picture and had to scroll back up cos i couldn't find one with a scar. doesn't look noticable really. could you show him the photo so he can see it's hardly noticable?

flossish · 04/05/2008 00:56

Its amazing what they pick up on isn't it? DS had a huuuugggee spot a few weeks ago, we mentioned it in passing between DP and I and he was very aware of it, looking in the mirror. He was also very aware the following morning after DP commentated the night before how tired he was 'his eyes are black' the next morning he climbed on the dining table and said
'my eyes aren't black!'. Like others I would try and play it down. Do you have any way of curling your hair and say how you like it like that?

scottishmummy · 04/05/2008 01:09

your DS is a bonnie beautiful boy, curls n all. tell him he is a brave wee warrior.

alipiggie · 04/05/2008 03:45

Right - boys with curls do NOT get bullied. I have two gorgeous boys with curly hair and everyone tells me how beautiful it is. Tell your ds - that some of the most handsome people in the world have curly hair. I have a scar on my face and curly hair too. My suggestion to try and find something he really likes about himself and get him to focus on that - make a game of it. Say - I love your whatver - I made it - it's very special to me and end up with his face and his hair. Hopefully your great positive vibes will help him to refocus on great things in life.

I'm sorry he's feeling so bad about things. If it helps let me know and I'll email you photos of my two.

alipiggie · 04/05/2008 03:47

Oh and he's gorgeous - what a very handsome young man . Give him a huge hug from a Curly Haired family in the US

Itsmeindisguise · 04/05/2008 04:11

In one hand, and in principle, he should not be so concerned about his curls, he should learn to value himself for what he is, to learn to love/accept his curls. And not to feel so self consious about them.

In the other hand, he is only 3 years old, and is far easier to let him have his hair cut as his brother if he preffers it like that, than spending weeks trying to convince him how beautiful curls are. It is just... hair.

Regarding the scar... well, yes, it is a scar but it doesn't look like a bad one or even a permanent one. I would explain to him that scars fade away with time. The harry potter suggestion is a good one.

Original poster

QuintessentialShadows · 04/05/2008 08:18

Thank you all for your lovely posts.

Lewis, I might take you up on that, but let me check my pharmacy first.

The accident happened in February, so it is still pretty fresh. It is also tied up with lots of positive holiday memories as we were visiting my sister on holiday. But he is now convinced minigolf is very dangerous.

His hair is now a lot shorter than in the picture. His brothers hair is very straight, and when sweaty after running he will "spike" it in all directions, and ds2 will try to do the same, but cant, because his hair is soft, curly, short and more unruly. I think this has made him realize his hair is different.

I have curly hair (ok, not as curly as in that Beckham picture, lol!!) But I mostly pin it back in a mess, so he probably hasnt noticed. Maybe i should wear it down more. (Dh would be pleaseed!! )

I agree with showing him and talking about some positive role models, both with curly hair and with scars. He likes Harry Potter, DS1 had a Harry Potter theme birthday party with a look-alike magician (he was awesome, truly recommend him) and they have both had a period running around with magic wands shouting "Experiamus", mabye I can build on that!

And as for his gorgeousness, I think he must be convinced I think he is. I will start with his toes and kiss my way up to his face stating how lovely he is. I think I do it too much. If I ask him "Who is cute" He will shout "I AM!" Way to go mum.... Not sure if this has been emphasizing a positive self image in him, or emphasized the importance of being cute....

ELLBELL Your dd is absolutely gorgeous! I think I will show him the picture to show him scars will fade!

OP posts:

Ellbell · 04/05/2008 13:25

Thanks, Quint. I think she is, though I may be slightly biased. The max-fax surgeon did a really good job on her lip though....

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