Professional couple, now SAHM - does it change your relationship?

[mrschop]

I know having kids results in a big shift, anyway. But I had a good career - same field as DH - which I've given up (at least temporarily) to stay at home with the children and support DH. He's just had a big promotion at work, is under lots of pressure so I'm at home alone a lot. So our day to day lives, which had previously been very similar, are now quite different. I'm 18 months in to my SAHM role, and am quite happy, but I do wonder how things will be in 5, 10 years time: I always assumed we'd be 'equivalent' (socially/professionally) throughout our life, and now his career is motoring off while mine recedes in to the past. Although I don't like to define myself purely in work terms, I do think the woman I am now is quite different to the woman he married! I know others must have gone through this, I just wonder how you get used to your expectations as to how your life together will be being completely turned on their head?

It will take some adjusting but these are my top tips:
Keep the lines of communication open. You and your DH need to both be happy with your arrangements.
Try to keep an open mind. IMO, good relationships are organic. You don't just have kids and 'freeze' in time - you will continue to grow and change,as will your DH. Don't assume that because you feel like this now, you will in a year's time. Ditto for your DH. He might decide he wants to downsize and do some stay at home parenting - how would you feel about that? A good relationship will be open to whatever life brings.
Don't try to plan too far ahead. You mention 5 and 10 years time. I would assume you will firmly established back in your career then! Just because you're at home now, doesn't mean its a permanent state of affairs. I went part time for a while when my dcs were very small, but was back in manangement by the time they were in school.
Make a real effort to have a life outside the home, keep up to date with current affairs, read, take up a new hobby etc. As you and your DH are clearly intellectual equals, and started your marriage as equal earners, he will expect to come home to a wife who has more to talk about than nappies and coffee mornings.

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I think that the extent to which giving up work to become a SAHM affects your couple relationship is dependent on the extent to which your identity is bound up in your work.

You can find a new identity as a SAHM, but it will take a lot of time.

A situation I can relate to. I gave up (paid) work after my youngest turned 2 unitl then I juggled 90% of the childcare (when I wasn't at work) with a full time career. DH is a solicitor and I was a dentist. Because of the nature of my job and that of his (ie I worked to appointments whereas he could fly to the other side of the world at a moments notice, not be home until 3am etc) the responsibilty of childcare was down to me. Something had to give, and by mutual decision I gave up my job and became a SAHM.

I found the hardest thing was loosing my finanical independence. Not bringing in an income and therefore having to get over the fact I felt anytime I spent it was spending dh's money, so felt guilty was the most difficult thing.

DH fully respects and supports me as a SAHM and being able to get all the mundane stuff out of the way during the week has meant the weekends are lovely as family time.

I agree with others who have said you need to make the effort to maintain your identiy as you, not just a mother/wife/house wife.

I have ensured I am still busy and stimulated - I am chair of the PTA, learning to play the piano, staring up my own cake decorating business, read, take a keen interest in current affairs. I agree dh doesn't want to come home and discuss coffe mornings, toddler groups, weaning etc and nor do I tbh.

Also the other area that suffers is keeping yourself on a par with friends who continue to work. Our social circle is full of proffessionals and I am currently the only SAHM. Therefore I need to be informed of things going on in the world so I don't bore them to death, or sit in silence at social gatherings.

It is a huge leap from my old life, but I think as long as both of you are supportive of each others roles and you strive to maintian your itentiy, it can work.

I agree Anna8888. I don't entirely agree riven, that it's as simple as 'society' defining our identity by our work. The truth is (and this is exemplified in the OPs dilemna) that when you are in a 'higher status' role, then inevitably your identity is more likely to be bound up with your role. (BTW I don't like the term 'higher status', but really don't know how else to put it). When you work in an interesting and stimulating field, where you have spent maybe years training, and where you come across interesting and dynamic people and situations, and where you know that you are making a valuable contribution to society, you are inevitably going to feel that a lot of 'yourself' is in that role. Whereas if you have no career path, if work for you has been stacking shelves purely to pay the bills, then you probably define yourself very little by your job.
When people talk about 'defining yourself by your job' it can have such negative connotations, and it doesnt have to be like that. My family and DCs have always come absolutely first in my life, but I always continued in my teaching career (part time when they were pre-school and full time management from when the youngest was 4 and at school) because that's a valuable part of my life too. DH and I have always seen ourselves as equals, both as parents and in other aspects of life. If I had never had a career, and had done low status work simply to pay the bills, then I wouldnt feel like this. So, to the OP, yes, it can be a tricky period of adjustment, and I think you will need to keep an open mind about the future, and also work at replacing the stimulation you have from your career through other means.

That's exactly right Alfiesbabe - I don't need work purely to feel satisfied or content, but when you are in a high pressure job, you commit so much time to it that it does become central to your day to day existence. Many of our friends do similar jobs to us (we're honestly not as boring as that makes us sound!), and DH commits huge amounts of time to his work. I chose to stay at home - I'm very lucky to be able to, I know that, and I am not complaining about my lot. I have picked up other interests: an evening class and volunteer work. But I do think I'm much more laid back, and softer (less confident?) than when I was in full time work, whereas DH comes home in full on work mode and buzzes around just as I'm collapsing on the sofa!

I suppose I'm not used to having to make an effort to be 'interesting' - at work, things that were of interest to DH too cropped up all the time, whereas now I'm actively searching for things to talk about. But it is OK at the moment, I just wondered to what extent people become different and so grow apart, as opposed to each bringing something different to the relationship. There's always the fear, I suppose, that DH might one day find it easier to relate to the glamorous new assistant than to me! Which is an unfair and unworthy thought. But the financial side of things makes me feel quite vulnerable, too - I was always self sufficient (the higher earner for a while too). Takes a bit of getting used to.

I think the changes you are going through sound pretty typical when someone gives up work. Only time will tell if the changes will affect the relationship negatively. You just have to hope it won't. And try to create a way of being together where the differences in before and after and him and you aren't so great.

I'm sure the fact that you're thinking about all this, mrschop, is hugely important. You are aware of the potential pitfalls. I think it's when people just drift along, not giving thought to how they are approaching each phase of life, that they run into problems. It's so easy to just fall into a stereotypical role - SAHM/breadwinner etc and before you know it the years have rolled by and you haven't stopped to think about whether you and your partner are happy with things.
You're absolutely spot on about the 'effort' thing, and it's certainly the aspect I found hardest when I was home on maternity leave, and to some extent when I worked Part time. It feels weird, doesnt it, because in a way it seems artificial. But IME you just need to accept that your life is different, the structures of work aren't there so you need to create alternatives.
The confidence thing is another factor. When you work in a professional capacity, you get used to commanding a degree of respect etc within your work life, and that does a lot for your self esteem. Again, it's not a negative thing, I'm not saying anyone's self esteem should be totally bound up with their job, but it's a simple fact that when you are used to mananging people, having specialist skills etc, then you'll naturally gain confidence from that.
In the longer term, you'll probably find that you will move back towards a professional role anyway. I know very very few professional women who give up work for the really long term. In fact I don't know any who aren't back in some kind of professional capacity once their youngest child is in school, so it may also help to view this as a temporary phase. It's the balance you want at the moment, but keep an open mind about how you want your life to be.

Yes, my they are both at nursery, so I get at least a day a week or so do my own thing - that's when I do my volunteer work. I'm not unhappy at the moment, and am enjoying the new things that I've found to do. It's more that I see our lives diverging when previously we'd been very similar, and wanted to know how others had found that.

Can't speak from experience as just become a SAHM myself, but find it hard to believe your relationship could stay the same. That's not neccesarily a bad thing though...

The heardest thing I'm finding at the moment is him coming home with his head in 'work stuff', while mine is thinking about 'home stuff'. It annoys me when he doesn't seem overly bothered by the fact I spent the morning sorting out his sock drawer!

This is nothing to do with how important either of our jobs are, to society or ourselves.

Your lives will diverge and you may both be able to adapt. You may not though. Whatever we do fills our time and our hours and becomes our pre-occupation. If for one person it's exclusively "home" and the other exclusively "work" things can become unbalanced. Take laugs' example. Forgive me, this is going to sound rude but sock drawers aren't interesting to a working person. They're only interesting and probably not much even then to the person who tidied them.

maybe it depends what you do at the same time as being a SAHM?

i do tonnes of church-type-work that i'd not be able to do if I was in paid employment...i also have more time to support dh in his work (he works from home and long hours) so for us me being at home (as well as being what we both want) probably means we're closer.

(not sure how much longer we'll be able to afford me not to work, but that's a whole other cost-of-living thread!)

Agreed that sock drawers aren't very interesting, but neither are some of the dull mechanics of work that working folk also talk about ad infinitum. Why shouldn't a working partner make time to talk to the non-working partner about home things? It's only common courtesy after all. You shouldn't feel like the "little woman" with only boring baby things to talk about (whereas the latest changes in the Tax Code or whatever are soooo interesting)

Actually, try listening critically to working people talking shop for a while and it's deathly dull and largely pointless. My DH and his best friend managed half an hour on how they booked meeting rooms at their respective work. It's about equivalent to discussing how snack time is organised at the toddler group.

DH and I have always pooled our resources and spent freely (but within reason) from the same pot of money. I think this has helped a lot with the feeling that I'm spending money and not contributing. We have also spent some time thinking about the economic value of the skills I contribute to the family. e.g. childcare v. cost of nursery, cooking from scratch v. cost of ready meals/takeaways/restaurants.

I make damn sure that my DH sees what I do all day, by keeping him up to date on the activities we do, displaying DS's artwork etc. I also occasionally line up weekend activities that he can do with DS - e.g. getting cooking ingredients or painting prepped ready for them to do it on their own. That way DH can see the value of the activities and all the work and preparation that goes into them. (and I get a little break while they have quality time together)

nfk makes the point excellently. It's about balance. When one person makes the focus of their life exclusively home or work, doesn't matter which way round, there's a lack of balance. Sometimes a polarisation of roles works for a temporary time - I've known some mums who take a year or so at home, throw themselves into it wholeheartedly, and then move back into the working world. For some couples, it works longer term, particularly where you have a couple who start their relationship with more clearly defined roles - ie one more career driven and one more content with home stuff. In the past, it was less of an issue I think, because the expectation in the first place was less equal for men and women - eg my own mother left school at 17, didn't go to University, and was expected to basically be the homemaker once she married. Having said that, I suspect under the surface there were still many discontented women who knew they weren't using all their skills, and probably discontented men who would have welcomed more involvement in raising their children.
These days, most people want more of an equal balance in the first place. My DH and I are both graduates, both professionals and both parents, so it seems logical that we both want to play equal roles in these aspects of life.

Agreed that booking a meeting room is probably as dull as tidying a sock drawer. The meeting itself might not be dull but then you might want to argue that the socks are highly coloured and very jazzy.

Some people manage very well thinking of themselves as "separate but equal" or "we have different roles but contribute equally" or however it is phrased. But some women struggle with it. They don't like not earning, they don't like not using their training, they don't the fact the sock drawers always seem to need tidying. It sounded to me as if the OP was aware that such feelings might occur. It's good to acknowledge the possibility of them and, as the OP is doing, think ahead.

I don't like not using my training either, or having no status, or people assuming I'm wasting my education but I find I use at least as much brainpower on mothering than I ever did on my job. I use far more creativity than I ever did at work (and I find the things I do now at least as interesting as the meetings I used to go to). I guess the way I approach it is with a slightly belligerent attitude...

It is good to think ahead, but equally there can sometimes be a danger of creating problems that wouldn't otherwise occur.. I'm not sure I would consider any one job as a 10 year stint, and I'm not sure if it is wholly helpful to think of a career break like that. It's important to remind yourself that you won't lose your ability to react to circumstances, make decisions and adapt your life to meet the needs of you and your family as life changes. If you think of it as 10 years out of the workforce it's easy to lose sight of all the things that will come along in those 10 years, professionally and personally.

And, as my final thought because I certainly wasn't having a go at you, nkf, I would point out that I have never in my life tidied a sock drawer and don't intend to start just because I have children. I do the good stuff, and make of this job what I want to (just as I did in the working world)

Laugs mentioned the sock drawer first.Not me. I think you are right about not always needing to think ahead. The only proviso I would say is that the world of work moves briskly and 10 yesrs out can be harder to return from than 2 years.

Yes I know. You do have to keep one eye on your work with a view to return.

There's no reason you can't stay involved in your professional association (if relevant).

The thing I struggle with is that I feel dependent on him to give me a break, so he gets to be the hero both in his professional sphere where he's very successful and at home. He gets to be the fun parent who takes over when mum's frazzled but he still has loads of time purely around adults. I'm jealous!

IF you're feeling jealous, time to get back to work!! I think what you describe isnt that unusual. Many people feel having a work life outside the home is the best of both worlds - you don't stop being a parent! You just get to have the professional kudos as well as the mummy and daddy kudos. Oh and there's never any feeling of being dependent on your partner to give you a break/give you some money for some clothes shopping etc - you are both equal