Advice needed please - baby knows what it wants and will scream until she gets it

[Carseylove]

Hi All, after advice,
i have a 12 week old girl, she is my second child my 1st was 10 years ago so feel like a complete novice, she fights sleep during the day, I have to rock her to sleep while she is crying to stay awake and as soon as she is fast asleep and I put her down she wakes up within 10 minutes crying then I need to try and get her to sleep again ( it’s like she hates her Moses basket) the only place she will fall asleep is her moving pram or on someone (mostly me but dad aswell) however on a night she will sleep from 10ish for 6/7 hours straight, then another 2/3.
she fights a dummy it makes her gag and sometime makes her scream even more,
she screams when her dad tries to get her to sleep if she wants me, to the point she makes herself sick.
what do I do, should I let her scream it out because we have tried it and she would just keep on going, won’t stop, or should I just give her what she wants, it makes it really difficult for me to do anything during the day,
any advice please that would be great?
she sleeps in a next to me crib at night and is breast fed

Please please please don’t let a 12 week old baby “cry it out” that is utterly cruel, she is much too young and entirely dependent on you. I understand your exhaustion but hang in there it does get easier 💐

Why are you rocking her to get her to go to sleep during the day, if she is crying to stay awake? Is she able to stay awake for longer, and have a kick on a play mat/sit in a bouncer and watch the world around her/go out for a walk with you… she is sleeping quite a lot at night, maybe she doesn’t need you to try and get her to sleep so much doting the day ?

She doesn’t want a dummy- don’t force it on her.
And please don’t let a 12 week old cry it out. She’s in discomfort, crying is literally her only way to communicate. You cannot compare her to an older child who might have language and gestures and comprehension.
She is feeling something- abandonment, discomfort, pain, reflux, cold/hot, itchy and her crying is her only way of letting you, her caregiver know this. Please don’t hold it against her.

My 9 month old still contact naps for all her daytime sleep. They are only tiny for a short period. Let her contact nap, don't worry about the housework or cooking or laundry. Yes it will pile up but doing a bit at the weekend when your DH can be a second pair of hands will keep the worst at bay and eventually, she will sleep in her cot and you'll be able to have a better routine. For now, just listen to what she is telling you and try to appreciate the downtime.

Sounds fairly normal for a 12 week old? She's not being manipulative crying for you, she's a tiny baby that finds comfort from you and you need to meet that need. It's exhausting and feels never ending but it won't be forever ❤️ Her night time sleep sounds pretty good so try and sleep then and accept that you won't get anything done during the day? It's actually okay to not get anything done, maternity leave is to spend with your baby, so meeting her needs is getting stuff done? It can be really frustrating, sending strength ❤️

Reflux?

She's 12 weeks old, she should be sleeping on you and you should be resting rather than getting things done.

Set yourself up a station so you have everything you need to hand.

Laundry etc can all be done on a timer.

If she sleeps in her pram then go out for a walk and leave her init when you get back. She might like one of those extortionate baby swings.

But mostly lay with her, maternity leave is for you to give her what she needs and to rest and recover from birth so do that.

Mine was like this. Some things that worked:

DH wore my dressing gown so he smelled like me
A sleep bag so they don't feel the temperate change when you put them down
Warming the mattress with a hot water bottle or heat pad - removed before putting them down obvs.

Mine also had reflux so I had a wedge to keep him more upright and he was much happier napping in his chair and loved his bouncer once old enough.

I do think at that age you just have to cuddle them and wait for them to grow out of it. Get dh out with the pram as often as possible.

It will get better but I remember hoping the health visitor would decide I was an unfit mother and take him away so I really do understand how it feels in the moment.

Hey, you're doing really well with her. You've got her sleeping through the night, which is amazing.

My suggestion would be to just ride it out, using a sling. Baby swings can be good if you can borrow one for a try too.

As you know, from doing it before, things change quickly and often with babies, even the bits that seem endless. I used to have the phrase "and this too shall pass" in my head a lot.

And on the getting things done but you need to accept that your job is the baby not cleaning or cooking or laundry. I felt like a failure because I was doing 'nothing' all day and the house was a tip, looking back that is so illogical.

She's 12 weeks. I thought you were going to say she was 2 or something. Children of this age aren't being manipulative or playing you, crying is how they express their needs. Sometimes.that need.is simply to be close to you and that's very ok and normal. I know it's incredibly tough. I've got 3 children and I really remember how hard it was wanting to do anything but being restricted because the baby needed cuddles etc. It's especially hard when you have an older sibling to tend to. I just did stuff holding the baby or used a papoose. However, your main job right now is keeping this tiny little human safe, loved and nurtured. Please don't leave the baby to cry excessively. It might be worth trying to rule out things like reflux in case that is a cause. Take care and best of luck

She's a tiny baby who wants her mum. A 12 week old isn't capable of being manipulative.

Accept doing less, if your partner can't put her to bed get him to do jobs instead for now.
She won't always be like this.

As pp said, go out with the pram then come home and leave her in it.

Please don't leave her to scream.

Sling for in the house. DD2 lived in hers for the first four months or so, meant I could carry on with DD1 and other stuff. She's tiny, don't leave her to cry.

And it's entirely normal for newborn babies to want their mums instead of dads. It will change over time if he's involved but if it's distressing her I wouldn't push it. DH didn't do a bedtime with either for a while as tiny babies, but now he does the majority of them for DD1 and about half of DD2's. It just takes time,

I'd try titling very carefully sleeping surface - to help with possible reflux. However DD1 - pfb- and later DD2 were like this - and they had no reflux that was DS.

At older age than your baby with pfb my parents visited when DH was away and basically bullied me into staying away as they could settle her - in end after hours they gave up baby was distraught I was distraught (bf as well so didn't help) - and DH when he fund out later was furious. They finally admitted defeat handed her over and she was immediately asleep in my arms. So in my bitter experience may not work anyway.

We did naps in moving pushchair - so I got a lot of exercise - ended up co-sleeping only possible as bf and we followed safety guidelines - and only other place was a baby chair we could rock by hand - till I finally found a sling that could work that improved life so much for me.

DD2 just carried round all the time - was well trained by then.

I think now I'd buy or try first Vibrationing stand or sleep rocker swing thing with mosses basket as vibration chair which we could also rock seemed to help.

Have you come across the phrase the "fourth trimester" ? Your baby is so new and the world is a very overwhelming place to them at that age. She isn't playing you or being demanding.

Her overnight sleep sounds good so it might be worth persevering with the holding/settling/rocking for now to get her through - she won't need it forever.

Have you considered possibly silent reflux as well? Some babies have this and it makes it uncomfortable for them to lie flat, especially after feeding.

I know it's peak MN to advise a sling and maybe that won't work for you but I did like that for being a bit more mobile when they want to be in contact with you. Also the rocking swings which rock themselves are a godsend.

I also had a 10 year gap between DC1 and 2 and it can be a bit overwhelming starting again.

'Baby knows what it wants'

Your baby is not an 'it'

12 week old babies just need and want their mum, that's completely normal. Pick her up and comfort her, it's the most basic of human instincts.

Baby sign language might be worth checking out!

It must be so frustrating when a baby knows what they need - but can't communicate it.

A baby who's hungry but can't yet say so can learn the sign language for 'milk'.

They develop the ability to understand concepts and signs before they develop speech. SO frustrating for them, hence the meltdowns.

It's astonishing - and apparently babies who are taught this can learn to speak earlier than those who aren't.

https://babysignlanguage.com/

I love the idea of this, I am definitely going to try this thank you for the advice

I feel like I don’t have a clue 🙈 you worry your doing something wrong, thanks for your advice

Baby signing is fantastic and once a baby can clap at around 6 months they can sign. DD was able to sign in sentences long before she could talk in them. She was never frustrated and didn't really tantrum as a toddler as she could communicate

Put things into perspective. Ignore social media and all the weird and wonderful things you should be doing.

You are an animal, your baby is a baby animal. What would you expect a mother dog/ cat / bear /ape to be doing? Fortunately we have gadgets available to keep our 'nest' clean but other than that start relying on those animal, maternal instincts. Your baby is crying to communicate, you know that communication means "pick me up I want a cuddle and to be close to you for warmth and safety". Your baby has no idea they are in a lovely warm house away from predators, as far as they know they are still living in a cave so their wants and needs are very primitive.

From the great distance of seven months 😉 at that point, I was taking mine for two or even three "compulsory walks" a day to get her to nap. I'd take a book or a reusable cup and walk her till she fell asleep and then rock the pram with my foot to keep her asleep. She did slowly learn to sleep in her cot with repeated practice. I think we started with the first nap of the day. I've already forgotten...

She has been on the mat in the bouncer and gets to the point where she hasn’t slept all day, so she cry’s in my arms cry’s when put down cry’s on anyone else, so she gets rocked to sleep instead of going out in the pram if we have been out already, any other suggestions would be great?

Put her in the carrier so she can have a sleep and you can do things, saves your arms from all the rocking and much easier for them to sleep in.