How often should I see my partners kids?

[ShyOliveBiscuit]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. He lived with his ex and their kids and they got their own place early this year. He couldn’t wait to introduce me to his kids but we wanted to make sure we were solid, stable and it was the right time for the kids. After 6 months of being in their new home he told them about me and said if they’d like to meet me let him know. He spoke to his family to get their advice too, all of which agreed they thought it was a good time. They were very inquisitive and wanted to meet me. I met them a few weeks after this and it went amazingly. He sees them twice a week, one of which is a sleepover. After the first meeting, I saw them 1 in 4 times, never for a sleepover. During this time they would ask if I could come over and would ask after me (super cute). My partner and I took this as a really positive sign. I now see them once every 2 weeks and have had a sleepover after the kids asked if I could stay round.

Anyway, the kids mother has said to my partner that the kids are seeing me too much. She has said I should only see them once a month and that the two areas of my partners life (the kids and me) don’t need to be mixed. Sadly, there was a back and forth on the phone between my partner and their mother in which one of the children was in the background saying ‘but we like going to daddy’s to see daddy and my name’.

I just wanted some opinions/advice really. I know nothing is in my control and it is down to the children’s parents but I just wanted to hear if anyone has experienced similar on either side of the situation and what the ‘right’ thing to do is? We were so happy that the children accepted and liked me & tried to make it as child led as possible. How often would you think is acceptable? If you’re a separated mother, how did your ex partner do it?

I’ll just add, I saw them slightly more regularly (3 times) in December due to my partners family events.

How old are the children?

So he sees his kids twice a week

And the sleepover day /night you stay as well

So he only sees them once a week alone

It's lovely they like you

But he also needs to spend time alone with them

Maybe you could Arrive later the night be has them

And yes what age are kids as that depends what time they go to bed and what time you go over

My ex moved in with the woman and introduced my toddler som many times before he told me she existed so I had no choice in this. Legally it's not in my control and I know he is high conflict and doesn't care what I think and does the opposite of what I want to upset me, so I have said nothing about it. As they'res no point.

I assume that she's a nice woman (he's emotionally abusive narcissist who prays on kind empathetic women in the helping professions) .

Your dp needs to set some boundaries with his ex and stop making her think her opinions are welcome or will be acted on.

As a single mum and main caregiver I can admit that there is probably a bit of jealousy that he had the time to go out dating and meet someone while she is looking after kids most nights. She also will be grieving the family unit she thought she'd have and it will feel so strange that her kids are going a two adult household without her. Even though part of her will be relived and happy the kids like you another part of her will feel insecure and jealous about this so please be kind and understanding.

I also do see her point that when you only have your kids a couple nights a week why would you have your girlfriend there too - from her perspective it seems odd. But it's nice that you and the kids genuinely enjoy spending time together. That might make her feel a bit shit and left out and I secure and scared though!

Ps your dp should also request to his ex that they have these conversations (if at all) not in the earshot of the children.
I prefer having eveything in writing tbh

Mum is right, he needs to see them 1:1, you could visit for an hour or two but the majority of that time should be of him and them alone realistically you aren't strong and stable yet. You should have waited at least a year as the chances of you breaking up are high and the children getting to know you and losing you isn't what they need.

The children are 10 and 7

None of mum's business. Don't pay attention to what she wants.
Focus on what works for the kids, bf and you!

He sees them twice a week, one night a sleepover. I see them once fortnightly, 1 in the 4 visits for a couple of hours. And I’ve stayed the night once.

They are 10 and 7.

I think she has a point.

It isn't about whether they like you or not, though it's lovely that they clearly do.

It's the fact that they hardly ever see their father - he's not really very close is he to 50% of parenting. More like about 15-20%. So ideally all of that time, he should be focussing on just them.

No he see’s them 3 times a fortnight alone and she is there once a fortnight. Is that right OP?

Anyway you’ve only been on the scene for a year, which is too early to know if your relationship will last, so while I don’t think your contact with them is crazy excessive, it’s more than you’d expect for a fairly new girlfriend - a casual meeting every month or six weeks is what I’d expect.

Once the two of you are another year in, and you really think it’s permanent, then it would be fair enough to build it up to the levels you describe, although even when you’re living together, by which time you may be playing an active stepparent role, he must make meaningful time for them alone.

Saying this, how he parents is up to him, so even if you do reduce it, he needs to be clear with his ex, that if you remain on the scene contact will increase. She may one day need to accept you as a stepparent, and there need to be clear boundaries so she understands she isn’t in charge of that. She also needs to be told very clearly not to have these conversations in front of the kids.

Limiting the time you spend together for now protects the kids from emotional hurt if the relationship does end (remembering here they’re already dealing with separated parents), and also protects you from being used as a handy babysitter (even nice men are sometimes good at using their new girlfriends like this).

I think you should be aware that they need 1:1 time to develop and maintain a proper relationship with their father. I'm not saying you should never see them but I think their mother has a point and I don't understand why your bf isn't protecting his precious 1:1 time with his young kids.

It's fine. Don't worry about it.
Don't solve problems which don't exist.

Why is he only doing 1x overnight a week?

Op I've spoken to quite a few friends who grew up with divorced parents and all of them have said they liked it when dad had a girlfriend dad was in a better mood and they did fun stuff.

I think if she was the one doing bedtime stories etc I'd agree with you. That's very intimate time.

But if she pops in like a friend and has fun with them that's fine - if they lose her it's just like losing a class teacher every year of the favourite after school club worker or their piano lessons change - that's the frequency they see her - and (sorry op) that person will be replaced with someone else nice so it's no great trauma that will impact their sense of core safety. I say this as a separated mum who's had to work through my own strong feelings about dad's new gf spending time with my child.

They have split up - I don’t think it’s her place to have a say

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. He lived with his ex and their kids and they got their own place early this year.

Is this ^^ why the ex has a problem with you?

Your partner barely sees his kids, 2 evenings a week is nothing, why does he have them such a small amount of time?

I think it's odd that you would be there when he has his children, why would he dilute his very little time with his children with you there?

Women love to 'make house' & mother/support men when really we should be prioritising our own lives.

Great. So like a social worker for bad dads?

I agree with mum.

Dd is 30 now but we split up when she was 8. It's always been 1 to 1 time with her dad. She sees her step mum a few times a year.

Surely that depends on circumstances, once you live together you come as a package. Once I met dp we mostly say his dd together but she's an adult with severe ld's - I know what to do in emergency too and can take care of her alone. There is no right answer, but it is important children's needs are taken into consideration, if you as new dp are willing to go along to things they want to do you'll see them more than if you didn't want to

I'm a single parent so have been through this with my exH. Legally, the mum has no say in what dad does in his time with the children, that's entirely up to him.
As a mum though whose young children have experienced added trauma due to their dad's shitty choices, I would advise taking things slowly and keeping lines of communication open with mum (both of which seem to be happening).
If you see the more and things work out then great, but if you split up, those poor children have to experience another relationship break down in a short space of time, and go through upheaval again.

His ex has no say in what your p v does with the kids in his contract time. It's nothing to do with her. If you have been together a year, you're not riding things. And it sounds as if you're being thoughtful about it. She sounds jealous and controlling.

I don't understand the replies that are saying your h should see them by himself - on any threads that are the other way round, posters are always told that they have no say over what their ex does with the dc or when he introduces gfs to them 🤷🏼‍♀️

Christ, that's depressing. Useless men can't even parent their own dc or have fun with them without another woman helping.