How often should I see my partners kids?

[ShyOliveBiscuit]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. He lived with his ex and their kids and they got their own place early this year. He couldn’t wait to introduce me to his kids but we wanted to make sure we were solid, stable and it was the right time for the kids. After 6 months of being in their new home he told them about me and said if they’d like to meet me let him know. He spoke to his family to get their advice too, all of which agreed they thought it was a good time. They were very inquisitive and wanted to meet me. I met them a few weeks after this and it went amazingly. He sees them twice a week, one of which is a sleepover. After the first meeting, I saw them 1 in 4 times, never for a sleepover. During this time they would ask if I could come over and would ask after me (super cute). My partner and I took this as a really positive sign. I now see them once every 2 weeks and have had a sleepover after the kids asked if I could stay round.

Anyway, the kids mother has said to my partner that the kids are seeing me too much. She has said I should only see them once a month and that the two areas of my partners life (the kids and me) don’t need to be mixed. Sadly, there was a back and forth on the phone between my partner and their mother in which one of the children was in the background saying ‘but we like going to daddy’s to see daddy and my name’.

I just wanted some opinions/advice really. I know nothing is in my control and it is down to the children’s parents but I just wanted to hear if anyone has experienced similar on either side of the situation and what the ‘right’ thing to do is? We were so happy that the children accepted and liked me & tried to make it as child led as possible. How often would you think is acceptable? If you’re a separated mother, how did your ex partner do it?

I agree with this especially final para. Don't put too much energy into proving you're wifey material for him op when you could be spending those evenings meal prepping for yourself or seeing your own friends or exercising or reading a book or starting a business... if you really want to spend it doing childcare prioritize giving a single mum friend a night off 😂

Posters ALWAYS misunderstand why the exes want this. It isn't anything to do with being jealous or controlling as they are invariably doing the happy dance that someone else is having to put up with their ex. It's because it isn't nice for their kids that's why. The mums bear the brunt of shitty absent fathers, when the children don't understand why he puts his new girlfriend first.

On to your second nonsense paragraph where again you've misunderstood. They said that because that is the reality, they don't get any say. It doesn't mean it's nice for their kids though.

@arethereanyleftatall - how bloody rude.

I don't think OP has told us enough about the ex to know her motivation.

And I didn't say anything about the wisdom or not of introducing dc to a new partner. I just said that posters respond with mixed messages depending on who posts.

If you can't be polite, don't bother replying.

Whilst I understand concerns, I can't help but wonder how the Ex would respond if the boot was on the other foot and Dad told her that HER partner was spending too much time with the Children.

I don't think some of the advice here should be taken too seriously.
When me and my ex split up, he had a new gf quite quickly, and my kids went to her house, and spent time with them both a couple of times a week. As he said he was serious about her, i saw this as ok, because it helped them transition for when they started living together. It is nice for dad to do the odd thing with them alone, a hobby perhaps, but i think its even more important they get to like you as one day you are likely to be their step mum. I do know a lot of mums who go down the jealousy and controlling route, don't let her dictate right from the start, it is much better for the kids in the long run.

God lots of bitter ex partners on here!!! 🤣 OP they are split up and when your BF has the kids it’s up to him what he does with them as he is their dad. Sounds like the kids have fun when you are all together and they are enjoying your company as much as his, not sure why people think that it has to be 1-1 only. So I would just do as you are - your obviously all happy and she’s just another jealous Ex!!

She’ll be worried that the kids will get too attached and the relationship won’t last. One year is still quite early days.
As others have said, the majority of the time it should just be them and him.
For what it’s worth, I think the way you and dp have went about this has been very sensitive and mindful of the children and really, while it’s good they are trying to work together and he is listening to her concerns, she doesn’t actually get to make demands on how he spends his time or how much involvement you have. They should be having reasonable discussions where they reach agreements that everyone is happy with.
I would keep things as they are at the minute.

You’ve been together over a year and he still has one on one with them so it’s not for his ex to start dictating and he needs to nip that in the bud. Would see her point if he was introducing every casual fling to the kids but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
What’s going to happen if you decide to move in together?
I will say though, 1 overnight a week isn’t really enough. Can he have them more?

I think she is grieving and feeling a bit jealous. This isn’t your issue, but one that is going to happen to a few blended families.

The children will be so excited to see you and eventually this may pass as time goes on.

I do feel for both parties, I do feel for the ex as she doesn’t have the time or energy to go out and meet new people even if she has the inclination. Then her ex has a new partner who her beloved children adore and probably talk non stop about her and how her nails / clothes / hair / hairbrush as soooo much better than hers. Usually said on days when she’s looking and feeling a bit rubbish.

On your side you’re just trying to be the best person you can for them, in time she will see this.
it’s a tough one, but thank you for checking and considering the best for the kids.

I’m new to this too and we are blending families with kids on both sides. (We’ve known each other for over a decade and have been “together” for a year. Getting married in October. His ex should not be dictating what happens on his time. His kids have “known” me all their lives but have only been aware of our relationship since August. They are pleased.

That said, yours doesn’t seem to have them much and that time is precious, for all of you. If/when you are ready to do living together/step parenting and make a commitment to him and his children you shouldn’t apologise for being in your home. If you are not there (or not there yet,) you need to keep a little distance-so the children don’t get too attached to you, so you are valued as a partner and not “dad’s support woman” and so his relationship with them is independent.