Irritated by my Neurodiverse Child - tips?!

[ForeverTired92]

Ar risk of sounding like a horrible person/parent, I need to reach out for some help. I keep finding myself feeling irritated by or losing my patience with my (diagnosed) autistic son.

He's nine years old, very intelligent and comes across as very emotionally mature, which is perhaps why it's hard to be constantly considerate of his nerurodiversity.

I find it very hard to bond with him, he's very particular about which activities he'll participate in and what he'll talk about.
His special interests become fixations, and he struggles to engage or talk about anything other than his current interest(s). When he does talk about these interests, he assumes people know what he knows or will just sound off information rather than having a two way conversation.

He lacks appropriate problem solving skills for his age, and needs talking through daily tasks (like dressing), or walking through things that should be 'common sense',
this can be frustrating as it is, however he's started to question/argue/be sarcastic/rude when I'm prompting him.
Also, he doesn't retain instructions well and so I repeat myself daily, hourly or even minuets after I've just said it. It can become very tiring.

I try not to let it bother me, but he often stims vocally and has a vocal 'ticks' including throat clearing, sniffing and the noise 'hmm'.
When he's particularly tired, he'll do one or more of the ticks every other second for hours on end. He's completely unaware he does this and I'd never want to make him self conscious, or ask him tonl stop, but my goodness it can become torturous to listen to.

He dislikes any social situations, which can be tough when trying to see family, however we're always very considerate and don't push him to socialise. He hates going to school, school mornings and even Sunday evenings he begins to say how tired he is and how he doesn't want to go. It's becoming hard to motivate/comfort him. (We have spoken to teachers and made changes where possible to accommodate).
Lately, he prefers to stay at home and watch a screen all day, protesting anything that involves leaving the house, and getting him off a screen takes a lot of persuasion.
Often he becomes so absorbed in the screen that he doesn't acknowledge being spoken to.

I feel like, lately these traits really irritate me and I find myself becoming impatient with him, and I don't want him to pick up on this.

Any tips on the mentioned topics are welcome!!
Or coping/calming stratagies would be great!
Even if someone could just confirm they relate to any of this would make me feel less of a terrible parent.

Are any of his interests something you could get into as well?

Even if not, conversations about it is still engaging. Even if he is talking AT you . Just ask questions, mhmmm ,mhmm, tell me more.

Explore other related interests, maybe some that you also like/know about.

Lots of visuals and timetables/tick lists around the house for the basic tasks/non negotiables.

Are there activities you could go to related to his interests? To exercise his socialising muscles, leaving the house etc. Expose him to other environments and experience them through other media rather than a screen.

The stims and noises and stuff you just need to learn to tune it out. They don't need active involvement/listening, it's just background noise. Doing something else that takes a bit of focus can help.

If he is being rude /sarcastic and knows he is (is this style of talking something he does deliberately or learned/copied behaviour?) you can pull him up on it, have consequences in place. Or even a sharp "Excuse me?" If he's able to interpret that correctly.

The trick is , rather than drag him kicking and screaming into your world , to join him in his and slowly expand it until there's some overlap.

Are you doing social stories with him?

Most importantly, remember it's not personal. He's not doing it to you, he's just being.

You are not alone in this, but I don't know what to do about it.

I do empathise, my DD11 is autistic and has developmental delay. She has some language (a little like broken English) but it is very fixated on specific topics (e.g., Minecraft). She will say something like "on my Minecraft endermen don't like water" and then repeat it 5-10 times. It can be very frustrating and sometimes my mind spins with it.

Games, Movies and TV shows provide a sense of control that children (whether NT or ND) lack in their lives, also they have the added benefit of being very predictable and following patterns, algorithms and routines which NT children find very comforting. Asking anyone to leave that safe space to go and be part of a chaotic world which involves boredom, disappointment and compromise, is difficult for them to do.

I agree with the above poster about visual timetables, start simple with 3 tasks that need to be done before devices in a morning/evening: Make Bed, Brush Teeth, Get Dressed. You can expand from there and the visuals help avoid you having to nag.

I also agree with @BlueSilverCats that it is easier to join them in their world and then expand it, than drag them out. I'm a gamer myself so it has admittedly been easier for me, but I play Minecraft with DD and we got snacks in and watched Beast Games on Prime. I also try to plan things which involve her interests (e.g., science museums, Comic Con, a cafe with gaming decor).

For behaviour, it's worth remembering that they have the whole cocktail of puberty to contend with. A certain level of teen angst is to be expected, we still explain boundaries to DD and we give her thinking time to readjust her behaviour, but there are consequences if not.

Visual timetables and tick lists plus Alexa reminders can help.

You want if possible to withdraw from prompting him yourself.

Can't help with the specialist interests talk, ne er found a solution to that one

you're talking about my 18yo at that age.. so you have my full entire sympathy

things i did -
Set my boundaries.
If he was being loud/noisy he was told to go do it in his room, and i wore earplugs a lot. his echolalic ticking were full words, drove me nuts, and i'm ND myself with sound being one of my sensitivities.

instructions were given one at a time, the next one not given until the first task is achieved.. I gave up prompting him to dress on school days and just got him dressed myself, it was quicker (wasn't a hill worth dying on for my own sanity)

leaving the house required hostage negotiation skills..still does tbh, but i used to give him LOTS of warning, count downs to help him with task change reluctance.

If he was rude i would pick him up on it every time with a quick "Excuse me? Who do you think you're talking to?"

1,2,3 magic is a book that might be worth you looking into, the principal being you count while waiting for them to do something, with a warning of a consequence for saying '3' but it has to be something reasonable and that you WILL carry out, no questions. Few times of that and i rarely got passed '2' tbh. xD

I’m in such a similar situation. DS9 diagnosed ADHD and DCD, and he is just the most irritating person on the planet.

He doesn’t have the special interests and he can hold a conversation about many things, but he has so many annoying verbal tics, and (I feel so guilty saying this) is just socially very annoying a lot of the time. He takes jokes that were never funny in the first place too far, doesn’t let them go, is so loud and in your face, and he gets DS2 in on the act and they just get into a “silly” trance and impossible to snap them out of it without bellowing.

With the constant prompting, there are good webinars by ADHD Dude on how to help your child with their executive function. You can't be this for your child forever, so he gives ideas of how not to be.
He also talks about setting expectations and reducing screen time.
My DS has occasional fixations but as he is mainly ADHD with only a few traits of ASD they don't last very long so we know they will be gone soon!

I haven't got much to add, other than empathy and that I get it. My DS stims are vocal and go on for hours everyday; singing, humming, clicking, beat boxing. It's relentless, all I can do is disappear upstairs for peace 🥴

This is completely normal and human. We can all be disgusted with ourselves and our thoughts and feelings as much as we like but I believe accepting real human emotions, as ugly as they are, is best. You're not alone at all here.

Maybe try be less hard on yourself. I have had to say to my own son ' I know you're excited but the screeching is getting a bit much for me mate. Could you pop in the garden and get on the trampoline for 5 '

Yes I know this seems cruel. But I have no choice now but to be insistent on boundaries and my needs because I now have very significant health struggles. I do all I can to sympathise and I can empathise with my son's struggles alot as I have my own.

When my son speaks to me in an argumentative tone I just tell him ' that way of talking illicits strong reactions in people and it's difficult to deal with. It makes people feel angry. So maybe practice what tone and way of speaking works and gets you what you want,here's an example of how you might say it'

You just can't continually bend over and adapt everything in this situation without losing your mind sometimes. Most of us seem to find this situation most difficult and more challenging when school is difficult. My son is much easier and less stressed = less difficult for me when it's the holidays.

The above is on a good day btw. A bad day is me losing my shit, sometimes swearing and saying please go outside and play now before I implode.

Gosh yes that sounds annoying and I have experience here although not too the level you're describing. I was wondering if you also considered whether you are autistic as I find some things are even more irritating to me due to that.
I think for me just giving up most of my expectations to do anything for myself and just getting used to the sound of my own voice nagging is the main thing.
I do find charts/visual timetables are useful but yes it's just nag nag nag constantly. I hope there's light in the tunnel soon!

Totally agree, sometimes I have to tell DS "my brain's full dude, you're going to need to give me five minutes of peace and quiet before I can properly give you my attention again".

We also remind him that while it might be frustrating to have us reminding him of what he needs to do, until he can do it himself without the reminders it's how he gets through the things he needs to do, so it's not okay to be rude to us about it.

A few years ago when he was 8/9 we had to put hard limits in place on screen time. It caused a lot of arguments but it eventually taught us which forms of screen time were particularly triggering for the properly negative behaviours (certain types of YouTube videos, one or two specific games), and he found a few activities he could do between chunks of screentime (Beano, train set, watching TV programmes which for some reason didn't trigger the same things as YouTube did).

Visual checklists might help, we also bought DS a kitchen timer. He sets it for 2 minutes for toothbrushing - if he zones out it'll prompt him back on track by going off. If he gets on with it then it times it for him. 4 minute timer for getting dressed - same rule (if it goes off and you're not done, you restart it).

Also, if it helps, in the last three years we've noticed he's suddenly 'clicked' to a few things. The difference between a conversation and infodumping, how to do more basic self care and stuff around the house (and he's enjoying being a bit more independent), he's doing better at managing time. It can get better.

I hate to tell you this OP, but things will only get worse! [Lighthearted] I found the irritation got worse as she got older, and as puberty hit she became cheekier and more defiant. I often had to tell her that my brain was frying from overload and I would need several minutes of silence and/or some time out in another room. Thankfully she never took it particularly personally, but she's an adult now and often likes to talk about reasons why I'm a bad parent (very matter of factly of course, no malice involved) and my 'time out' sessions are cited as proof! One day at a time OP....

Loop earplugs.

I'm autistic so is my son a lot of things my son goes really grinds on my sensory and emotional sensitivities.

With loop earplugs in I can still hear enough but not so much that the constant stims bug me. Sometimes for some extra quiet I'll put headphones on top of my earplugs.

I also do a lot of non-verbal hand guiding and prompting, so he in turn is less likely to be vocal in his rejections. If he is, it's muted cos of my headphones and earplugs.

I have felt shameful for too long by finding my sons ticks and stims irritating, but I've found it easier to be kind to myself by acknowledging I have sensory sensitivities and needs too and it's my responsibility to meet those needs before I can meet my sons needs.

Some great tips above, but just wanted to say you’re not alone. My son doesn’t have the hyper fixation or ticks, but does display elements of PDA and has OCD (in addition to diagnosed ADHD and high functioning autism). He is incredibly hard work and it is beyond draining to have to remind him to do basic daily tasks…he is so bright, and it sees utterly ludicrous that I have to tell him repeatedly to get his shoes on if we’re about to leave the house.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have NT children, but actually I wouldn’t change it for the world.

My som is 15 and has autism - and gets fixated on odd little things- I’m thinking ‘oh no, not again…’ when he starts talking about it.

So i tell him we will have a chat while we walk the dog. He talks at me for 45 minutes while we walk - i pretend to be interested and ask questions about the topic to get him talking - but really i am tuned out thinking about something else or just walking thinking about nothing.

After the walk he feels happy he got a chance to say what he wanted to say - and i feel less guilty telling him ‘that’s enough now!’.

Less screens makes my som more sociable and better behaved. I often let him just have an audiobook so he is not bored. But he is on screens more than he should be…

For info dumping give a 3 minute time limit and then they have to change topic.

For working memory / executive function issues.
Printed visual timetables of what to do next
DD is a teen so we just have a WhatsApp checklist so it's not verbal nagging and she uses her phone notes to make herself To Do lists that she can check off or uses Goblin Tools website to help her.

Stims can potentially be redirected - annoying tapping on a table can become quiet tapping on a thigh. Tics are involuntary and if they are triggered by stress like my DDs will disappear when the stress disappears but other wise you need to suck it up.

My son isn't diagnosed yet but we are looking into it. He is 8 and has been driving me bonkers today, a lot of similar issues to what you describe. I told him he was doing my head in today 🙈 I did apologise afterwards but honestly I was at the end of my rope. My daughter had hit herself hard on the nose and blood was pouring everywhere, she was screaming and my son thought it would be a good time to ask me loads of questions and tell me about bugs 🫠. I said to him, you don't like to be overwhelmed but then you overwhelm me, I need you to read the room. Which I know he can't do too well but he needs to try!

Could you get your child to write or type up information about their topic - it might give them an outlet.

My son spent ages writing a novel about his favourite topic.

Or make videos about it

Hope you don't mind me saying this, but rather than he thought it would be a good time (deliberate decision) , it's more likely he had no idea what to do with the situation, his feeling or the overstimulation of the crying and sight of blood so he retreated into his safe space/topic.

It's more of a panic and self comforting mechanism than a rational thought process.

Not at all, thank you that's a helpful insight. It was a bit of a stressful day with constant bickering from the kids so it felt like the straw that broke the camels back! Me and son both struggling with lack of routine of Christmas time I think 🤔.

One of the things I discovered when my teenage son (autism and ADHD, low functioning in some very key areas but loves to talk) was diagnosed is that the parents of disabled children are just the same as every other parent. We are not special, or magically endowed with endless patience and tolerance. Give yourself a break, no one wants to hear an unbroken stream of consciousness lecture on Roblox when they’ve just finished work.

On a good day, I remind myself that sharing a special interest is a way in which my son can connect with the people he values. He doesn’t have the skills to make those connections in the usual way, so when he’s telling me about his interest he’s inviting me in and showing me he trusts and loves me. On a bad day, I have noise cancelling headphones and no compunction about giving him a later time slot of 10 minutes when he will have my undivided attention for a TED talk on manhole covers, but I’ll need to get out of the shower and get dressed first.

He won’t thank you for a very strict timetable for screens, but in my experience his nervous system will. We have a very firm schedule for screens. It’s on the fridge, he can consult it whenever he likes but if it’s not time, the screens are locked away. As he’s grown older we’ve been able to introduce some limited flexibility (we’re going to granny’s for tea, you can have your slot before we fo or when we get back etc). We also have an occasional ‘relaxed day’ where he can play all day long until dinner if it’s the holidays or we need to get something done. You have to respect it too, though. We try and be home for screen time, and if we can’t we make a plan for how he’ll be able to have his time.

A visual timetable is helpful for directing some of the executive functioning bits. I am an ADHD mother of 2 ADHDers. Mornings are a bit fraught, and I make heavy use of these little check box boards for my younger one, who needs direction but no physical help like his big brother. The little slider creates just enough dopamine reward to get things done and when he’s ready, he can do something he chooses until it’s time to leave.

Give yourself a break, OP. It is absolutely fine to find it hard and boring. It IS hard and boring. And at other times hugely rewarding and special. But also hard and boring.

Following with interest. I’ve just snapped and screeched at DS8 after 20 solid minutes of being berated for my poor recollection of something to do with his special interest.

Make sure you're having me time so you can be your best self around him. Get some Loop earplugs for the stims.

Humour and self deprecation sometimes works to deflect that.

"Sorry Jimmy I'm old and I forget... tell me again?"

"Sorry Jimmy, you know I'm easily confused."