Irritated by my Neurodiverse Child - tips?!

[ForeverTired92]

Ar risk of sounding like a horrible person/parent, I need to reach out for some help. I keep finding myself feeling irritated by or losing my patience with my (diagnosed) autistic son.

He's nine years old, very intelligent and comes across as very emotionally mature, which is perhaps why it's hard to be constantly considerate of his nerurodiversity.

I find it very hard to bond with him, he's very particular about which activities he'll participate in and what he'll talk about.
His special interests become fixations, and he struggles to engage or talk about anything other than his current interest(s). When he does talk about these interests, he assumes people know what he knows or will just sound off information rather than having a two way conversation.

He lacks appropriate problem solving skills for his age, and needs talking through daily tasks (like dressing), or walking through things that should be 'common sense',
this can be frustrating as it is, however he's started to question/argue/be sarcastic/rude when I'm prompting him.
Also, he doesn't retain instructions well and so I repeat myself daily, hourly or even minuets after I've just said it. It can become very tiring.

I try not to let it bother me, but he often stims vocally and has a vocal 'ticks' including throat clearing, sniffing and the noise 'hmm'.
When he's particularly tired, he'll do one or more of the ticks every other second for hours on end. He's completely unaware he does this and I'd never want to make him self conscious, or ask him tonl stop, but my goodness it can become torturous to listen to.

He dislikes any social situations, which can be tough when trying to see family, however we're always very considerate and don't push him to socialise. He hates going to school, school mornings and even Sunday evenings he begins to say how tired he is and how he doesn't want to go. It's becoming hard to motivate/comfort him. (We have spoken to teachers and made changes where possible to accommodate).
Lately, he prefers to stay at home and watch a screen all day, protesting anything that involves leaving the house, and getting him off a screen takes a lot of persuasion.
Often he becomes so absorbed in the screen that he doesn't acknowledge being spoken to.

I feel like, lately these traits really irritate me and I find myself becoming impatient with him, and I don't want him to pick up on this.

Any tips on the mentioned topics are welcome!!
Or coping/calming stratagies would be great!
Even if someone could just confirm they relate to any of this would make me feel less of a terrible parent.

The most important thing to remember, is that no one is a perfect parent, not even the parents of NT kids. We all get overwhelmed, tired, stressed, annoyed , even angry and yeah sometimes we lose it.
It just means you're human. Feeling guilty and awful only exacerbates these feelings and can create a really negative cycle where even if subconsciously, you start blaming the child for the way you're feeling which makes everything 100 times worse because for every stim or brain dump you know what's coming next- the negative reaction, followed by the negative feelings.

Thank you for the reply!

Yes, I do my best to get into his interests, for example even though I'm terrible at it, I play minecraft with him, but the games he's really into like fortnite, zelda, fifa etc, I'm SO bad at that he ends up getting frustrated with me and it's no longer enjoyable for either of us.
He likes to read, so I read to him every evening to wind down. We talk about the books and I often feel those conversations are is a mutal bonding activity, when successful.
We watch moves together (although I'm trying to limit screen time, so that's not always ideal) and can sometimes discuss the movie, often times he'd rather not though.
When the weather is better, we'll play football together, which he loves, but during the winter it's not always manageable.
And we attempt to play boardgames frequently, which he loves...until he's losing and then it can go a bit sideways. So that's a risky one.
My point is, I really do try to bond with him, and make an effort to indulge his interests, but its not always that simple. Even doing things he enjoys doesn't mean we'll feel bonded by them. He doesn't always engage in the way I hope, even doing things I think he'll love.

I always try to humor him when he talks about his interests, lots of the mhmm and asking questions, it just doesn't feel two way at all, I could be a brick wall for all he cared, he's just voicing his string of thoughts. Id like to feel like he's enjoying talking WITH me. Of course as sounding off his thoughts is beneficial/enjoyable for him I'll always be present for it, it just doesn't feel like bonding.

He protests any kind of social activities (football club or park with friends) and finds any socialising uncomfortable and draining.
Although he loves a 'train day' with his grandad, which ticks both of those boxes (socialising/new environments) so I'll definitely encourage more of that. 👍

I don't think the rudeness is deliberate - I don't think he knows his comments are rude, rather he's just complaining/arguing/protesting about what I've asked him to do. So I try not to 'scold' him, but do pick him up on it "that was rude". The issue is more that it annoys me and I have no way of stopping git because he doesn't understand that what he's saying is offensive. Do you think after picking him up on it he'll eventually get the idea?

He does social stories at school, but we haven't done any at home. Do you have any advice on where to start?

I love that analogy, I wouldn't want to drag him into our world, it seems I can't get into his though. Or am I?! 😭

That's sound advice, I remind myself daily that 'this is just who he is and how he navigates the world', unfortunately that doesn't always stop me feeling frustrated. 😮‍💨

This is super interesting. I assumed it was a lack of understanding of the severity of a situation/not picking up on social ques, I hadn't considered it was a coping mechanism for a situation that might be worrying for them. That's eye opening, thank you.

@ForeverTired92 oh lovely, you're not only in his world, you're a big part of it, trust me! Even if it doesn't feel that way to you.

I'll reply in a bit more detail later as I'm out now, sorry.

If it helps, I have one NT and one ND boy. They were both irritating at 9. I loved them both dearly at that age too but they were both annoying!

The thing that's a little hard with ND is some developmental stages last a lot longer I think parents anticipate and get through something like the terrible twos, bit it's a lot tougher when it's a 8 year stage not a one year stage.

Social stories wise , you can look at these for some examples/any that fit, and in January I'd recommend asking the school for advice recommendations so you use similar language /format.

www.socialworkerstoolbox.com/social-stories-for-autism-learning-difficulties/

It's essential that the social stories are tailored to your DS , in topic and language.

Some top tips here.

www.sheffieldchildrens.nhs.uk/services/child-development-and-neurodisability/autism-home/autism-support/social-stories/#:~:text=Social%20Stories%20are%20most%20effective,with%20more%20significant%20communication%20difficulties.

Just wanted to post some solidarity my 6yr old ds ADHD with vocal tics, they are relentless and I feel pretty sure for the past 2 weeks of the schools holiday I'm made up solely of baileys!
I asked one time how his noises made him feel and he said happy, which made me feel even worse.
Please remember your a human being trying your best to prepare someone for adulthood.

You have some excellent advice here.

You may also be interested in this thread which is quite similar and shows the differences parents of ND children have daily.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5237825-to-cancel-christmas-for-all-future-years?page=9&reply=140853635

I think the tone/sarcasm is possibly copying others and not getting it right.
My daughter did this, and also repeated what you said back to you with a nasty tone/sarcasm. Along with criticising your pronunciations.

I hated it, responded badly and feel guilty about this now. What she was doing was repeating it and processing, and checking she had understood. But because she was so demand avoidant, I was responding badly.

The interests are very hard if they bore you - football, some anime shows, and formula one were some of the worst for me. But I also fixate so I get how people feel when I'm info dumping!

I agree with the posters who have said to find outside interests that coincide. Museums, shows, books, mini projects to do at home that tie in with the interests.

Social stories were a big thing, as was going over interactions with friends etc. Looking at how we can interpret their behaviour/words differently to our own way. Putting ourselves in others shoes.

Finding out what's making them anxious and then breaking that down, and finding other ways to think about it. Looking at the evidence that does or does not support their anxieties/worries.

We don't find social stories with widgets at all helpful but checklists with actual photos can help.

That's sound advice, I remind myself daily that 'this is just who he is and how he navigates the world', unfortunately that doesn't always stop me feeling frustrated.

The thing is... It's ok to feel frustrated . Just because you have a ND child, doesn't mean you're not a human with feelings anymore. The important thing is to try your best not to turn that frustration inward or towards him. Notice I said try, because sometimes shit just happens. And it's not necessarily a bad thing for ND children to experience someone else being angry/frustrated/overwhelmed, especially of they can manage it in a healthy, positive way or at least model reflection and apologies after.

If you can give more specific examples of behaviours/causes of frustration I can think of things that might help. My advice tends to be fairly generalised and it won't work for every child.

BTW I'm not a parent of a child with SENDs, but I work with them. Hope that's ok.

@ForeverTired92 in the kindest non mean way get used to it :) my boys haven't changed and are now adults with all the same quirks and nuances. I just got better at managing them and not letting them bother me. Oh and I got a dog...... a beautiful, fluffy non speaking dog :) and lap up the quiet!

Thank you for your response!
I keep reminding myself that puberty is palying a part in his behaviours at the mo, and that's something all parents have to navigate at some point!

I try to engage in his interests as much as possible, I too play minecraft with him, although anything more complicated than that is beyond my gaming skills.
We also watch a lot of movies together too, which he tends to really enjoy. But when I try to discuss the movie he isn't always interested in conversing, it's all very much on 'his terms' which is totally fine, I just wish it was easier to bond with him.

I have tried visual timetables, I've found the issue with those is that instead of me telling him what he needs to do, I'm just constantly telling him to look at the timetable. Amd he will still question details of the tasks. He also finds it very difficult if we ever have to diverse from the timetable.

Thank you, it's a relief knowing its not just me!

I feel terrible for saying his ticks drive me nuts, I can deal with the vocal stems and exhoalia but the ticks are so constant sometimes. I think I may also be ND, I definitely suffer from audio sensory overload.

Yes!! That's what I have to do, a list of tasks is useless to him, he can only complete the first task before needing a reminder. So one thing at a time. 😅
It's things like "I can't find my shoe" but I know it won't have occurred to him to move other shoes on the rack to look for it.

We also do countdowns "10 minuets untill XYZ" but even so it's like it takes him by surprise and he'll need to do something else before we leave/go to bed etc.

I wwill definitely check that out, thank you for the recommendation!

Thank you so much, that all sounds incredibly helpful!

I'd also like to reduce screen time!

i had 2 hours of 'banana banana banana' once.. that really had me twitching.

that word stuck around for a week before it switched to something else. i think you'd have to be a saint for vocal ticks not to annoy after a few minutes.

I think you need to do some research into autism and understanding him better

@ForeverTired92 hi I'm a step grandmother a 6 year old so your not alone this all sounds so familiar to me except my grandson is kinda non verbal he's learning a lot at school amd with us we only started to get him on January this year so were trying hard to learn still a year on He gets really angry if he gets told no or don't and his kicks nips and bites which I find really hard so just so you know there's worse out there

If it makes you feel any better, today DH lost his shit with DS because he wouldn’t get out of the hot tub when asked several times. And when he was being told off once out, just slapped his bare bum at DH, standing fully naked. My DS definitely knows when he’s being rude!

If he likes books you can buy bundles of books that are social stories.

They haven't worked for my own DS but hes not into books so that's probably where I've gone wrong, but I imagine for a child that does like to be read to, they might help.

The idea is obviously that you read it and encourage questions to be asked throughout or talk about the morals within the story at the end.

I have a much younger autistic DS, and love him dearly, but it’s also ok to get annoyed with some stuff. Some of it is typical child behaviour, other things are definitely the autism. Everything you’ve described about your son is literally an autism checklist and so accepting that’s the way he is would be a start. Not wanting to be social, vocal stims etc. all normal for an autistic person. As far as coping mechanisms, I have misophonia anyway so loop earplugs were a good buy for me. Other than that, personally I think you absolutely can draw boundaries and tell your child off even if they’re autistic, it just has to be within the boundaries of what they can understand, and what’s reasonable.