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Original poster

Mother in law interfering

32 replies

Ancientdelta123 · 30/12/2024 10:52

I am a first time mum to a 3 month old, and since having my baby I have felt that my mother in law has crossed some boundaries and am struggling to cope with her interfering.

For example, my partner had friends coming round to our house to come and meet our baby a few weeks ago. MIL approached mother of the friends coming round, and asked her if her son and partner would be comfortable if I breastfed in front of him when they were round, and the mother said that it would make them uncomfortable. MIL then came to my house and said I should leave the room when they come round when feeding to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. I was so shocked at the time that I was being told where I could feed my baby in my own house that I was genuinely lost for words. After stewing on this all day and becoming increasingly annoyed, I later brought this up to my partner and he said that he didn’t want to say anything to his Mum as he was afraid of upsetting her, as she is so happy at the moment that she has grandchildren.

This is just one example of numerous comments that she has made, and it’s getting to the point now where even minor things are starting to irritate me. I want my child to have a good relationship with his grandparents, and I am lucky that they want to be involved. and I am worried that I’ve been too sensitive.

How can I bring this up with my partner without driving a wedge between him and his Mum? Am I justified in being upset by this, and has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation?

OP posts:
user23124 · 30/12/2024 10:56

Did you leave the room to feed?

JustCrow · 30/12/2024 10:59

You need to toughen up.

I'd have laughed in her face.

“Hahaha no MIL of course I’m not going to be hiding in another room to feed my baby! Of course if anyone’s uncomfortable they’re welcome to go in the garden! Honestly…” and walk away chuckling.

Azandme · 30/12/2024 11:00

Tinkly laugh - "I'll be feeding our child where is comfortable for US in our home. I'm not responsible for how they feel. What a silly suggestion!"

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YellowRollercoaster · 30/12/2024 11:04

I agree that cracking jokes about this ridiculous behaviour might be the best way here.
It might shame her into rethinking her views or at least keep them to herself

Bellyblueboy · 30/12/2024 11:25

This needs to be stopped now! How dare she approach your guests parents! And how humiliating for your boyfriend- like she is still arranging a play date!

here is what I would say

’and did jimmy’s mummy say what time she wants him home and if he still needs his grapes cut up? Come on now Marge, don’t embarrass yourself! We are all adults, you don’t get to control how I behave on my own home! Let’s have no more of this nonsense’

buttonousmaximous · 30/12/2024 11:36

You need to approach this with a WTF attitude. "Yeah I'm not leaving the room to feed my child, anyone who's uncomfortable can though." Then laugh as though she is funny. Or completely ignore and do your own thing.

What a weird thing to do. I'd be miffed at your dh for not having your back. That could be a problem for you going forward

WhatALoadofpickledOnions · 30/12/2024 11:44

I admire you op for your confidence; how dare these people make breastfeeding out to be shameful. It is natural, and what breasts are biologically for. It is about time these ignorant people grew up, instead of acting like bashful children. Make sure you feed your baby where the hell you want, in YOUR house!

When I was breastfeeding my first dc I used to leave the room, because I was embarrassed, and felt uncomfortable feeding infront of others. I wouldn't have been able to relax, despite buying covers etc. This was on me, but taboo societal views don't help. Breasts are overly sexualised, and the perfectly natural act of feeding your baby is seen as something that has to be hidden away by some. It is crazy how much still in this day and age women are STILL made to feel this way by the unreasonable few.

Bellyblueboy · 30/12/2024 11:46

buttonousmaximous · 30/12/2024 11:36

You need to approach this with a WTF attitude. "Yeah I'm not leaving the room to feed my child, anyone who's uncomfortable can though." Then laugh as though she is funny. Or completely ignore and do your own thing.

What a weird thing to do. I'd be miffed at your dh for not having your back. That could be a problem for you going forward

It’s a huge red flag that an adult man is okay with his phoning his mate’s mum to check how they should behave on a visit!

unless the adult son has SEN, this is really, really odd.

i couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who lets his mother baby him like this. How unattractive and humiliating. Does she make his doctors appointments and have chats with his boss?

Lurkingandlearning · 30/12/2024 11:46

So basically your partner’s mummy contacted his friend’s mummy to ask if they would be uncomfortable if a baby was breastfed during their play date.

I think you need to tell your partner to grow up and realise his baby and you are more important than his mum now. She can be cross about anything she chooses to be cross about. What can she do, take his PlayStation away?

Meadowfinch · 30/12/2024 11:49

I found a breezy 'oh well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I suppose' followed by me doing as I wished and ignoring her, worked well.

standardduck · 30/12/2024 11:50

How old are you, OP?

I can imagine my mum calling my friend's mum to discuss our catch up.

WhiskersPete · 30/12/2024 11:51

Clearly your mil is unhinged. However, the bigger issue here is that your partner is ok with his DM asking his friends this. Your mil is always going to be an issue unless your pathetic DH stands up to her which doesn't look likely.

Fargo79 · 30/12/2024 12:01

Well your biggest issue (as with almost every "MIL problem") is actually that your husband is a total wet lettuce of a mummy's boy.

I think probably the best approach is to react with extreme force the first time people like this push your boundaries so that you immediately set out your stall as someone not to be fucked with, and it doesn't turn into an insidious, death by a thousand cuts situation where she's just pushing further and further forevermore.

So in this instance, I'd have called or texted the "friend" and told them that since they are apparently uncomfortable with breastfeeding the visit is cancelled, seeing as how you're a breastfeeding mother and it's your actual home. Let's catch up in a year or two or whenever I finish breastfeeding 👍

And then I'd have raised merry hell with MIL, told her never to make arrangements about me behind my back again and that she too is unwelcome to visit my home since she cannot tolerate a baby being fed. Or at the very least I'd kick her out of the house whenever it was time for a feed. Horrible woman.

But really, the answer is for you husband to grow a spine.

Shetlands · 30/12/2024 12:10

What the hell is the matter with some MILs (and their baby sons)?

Please don't tolerate this interference. Years ago I put up with endless nit-picking, bitchiness and obnoxious behaviour to 'keep the peace' but I shouldn't have because it just escalated.

Your partner isn't going to stand up for you so you'll have to do it yourself and I agree with others that humour is a good way to deal with it. Failing that, just say what you think and don't be bullied into doing anything you don't want to do.

VegTrug · 30/12/2024 12:46

When I breastfed in the beginning, I always left the room as I personally didn’t want anyone watching me whilst I was doing it. Especially my FIL, BIL or my own brother Confused However none of them ever came to our home, we always saw everyone at my Mums’ house as there was more space. But that’s beside the point, your MIL did this to exert her authority over you. To try make some kind of ‘point’ about breastfeeding because she obviously doesn’t agree with it.

It does make me wonder if she really did contact your partner’s mother. Or if she just said she did and that they were ‘uncomfortable’ to make sure you don’t do it in front of them…… Would this be something she would do, OP?

joy005 · 30/12/2024 13:02

Sometimes MIL are hectic!🙄 It's understandable that you're feeling upset. she has clearly overstepped a boundary by involving herself in your choices and essentially dictating where you can feed your baby in your own home. It's great that you want your child to have a good relationship with their grandparents! But when you can boundaries has to be set😏

thepariscrimefiles · 30/12/2024 14:39

She sounds awful and your DH doesn't sound much better. He doesn't want to speak to her about her interfering behaviour because she is so happy about having a grandchild? That's ridiculous! So he thinks his mum can do exactly what she wants, no matter how rude or damaging to your relationship?

Your MIL obviously disapproves of you breastfeeding, particularly in front of guests, so is doing her best to try and stop you doing this. Take absolutely no notice of her. It is your house and your baby and you can breast feed whenever and wherever you like.

PitchOver · 30/12/2024 16:47

Yet another dick MIL thread I see......what is wrong with these stupid women?

Anyway OP you're going to have to put her in her place because your limp dick husband certainly isn't going to!!

CheekyRaven · 03/01/2025 22:25

If your partner is uncomfortable and doesn't want to upset his dm, then you should speak to her, with him present. See who he sides with. You'll know then where your future lies.

FoxInTheForest · 03/01/2025 22:30

Just laugh at her when she says something like that in future "wow you actually asked them that? If it makes you feel awkward you're welcome to leave the room, most people are used to seeing babies feeding in public though nevermind in their own homes."

Emmz1510 · 03/01/2025 22:47

You or OH should have called out his mother for her outrageous behaviour, but it was also pretty shitty of the friends mother to say they wouldn’t be comfortable! Was this even accurate? If so, they are rude and not exactly friends if you can’t feed your baby in your own home with them around!
MIL needs to be called or every time she oversteps or makes stupid comments, whether it’s by you or OH.

PennyApril54 · 03/01/2025 22:52

This would annoy me but like you id have been shocked and therefore on the back foot and probably not said anything especially when I was younger and less sure of myself. I think one good option would be to say something like 'thanks Jane but we'll sort arrangements with our guests ourselves' or 'Ill see where I'm at on the day' something that implies you'll be deciding and to butt out , and then quickly talk about something else.

Veryverycalmnow · 03/01/2025 23:01

She is out of order! I'm reading a brilliant book at the moment called, "You be Mother," by Meg Mason and this reminds me of the interfering MIL in that. My own MIL was particularly fussy from when DS was newborn until about a year later and then she left us alone a bit more. From starting school she had barely any input. It does get better! Good luck and continue to feed your baby how, where and when you see fit 💗

Sugargliderwombat · 03/01/2025 23:13

Why on earth doesn't your husband feel humiliated that she called his friends mum about this? It's probably the wrong thing to do but I'd probably end up being really unkind to my OH about this. Your mum has been calling your friends mum to ask about my boobs? Aren't you embarrassed?!!

Sugargliderwombat · 03/01/2025 23:15

With my own interfering MIL I just batted her back to my OH every time. If he was in the room I'd get his attention and say 'oh OH your mum said so and sos mum doesn't want x, y, z'. She was often trying to manipulate me and got all stuttery when I repeated what she said to her own son in front of her.