Mother in law interfering

[Ancientdelta123]

I am a first time mum to a 3 month old, and since having my baby I have felt that my mother in law has crossed some boundaries and am struggling to cope with her interfering.

For example, my partner had friends coming round to our house to come and meet our baby a few weeks ago. MIL approached mother of the friends coming round, and asked her if her son and partner would be comfortable if I breastfed in front of him when they were round, and the mother said that it would make them uncomfortable. MIL then came to my house and said I should leave the room when they come round when feeding to avoid making them feel uncomfortable. I was so shocked at the time that I was being told where I could feed my baby in my own house that I was genuinely lost for words. After stewing on this all day and becoming increasingly annoyed, I later brought this up to my partner and he said that he didn’t want to say anything to his Mum as he was afraid of upsetting her, as she is so happy at the moment that she has grandchildren.

This is just one example of numerous comments that she has made, and it’s getting to the point now where even minor things are starting to irritate me. I want my child to have a good relationship with his grandparents, and I am lucky that they want to be involved. and I am worried that I’ve been too sensitive.

How can I bring this up with my partner without driving a wedge between him and his Mum? Am I justified in being upset by this, and has anyone else had to deal with a similar situation?

You can’t let your DP get away with that half-arsed avoidance of the issue. His mum phoned his friends mum to interfere with your arrangements to meet. That’s bad enough without the part where she discussed your breastfeeding and decided where it should be done!

Tell him again he needs to speak to her about overstepping into your business, and don’t let it drop until he sorts himself out and grows a pair.

And obviously you breastfeed wherever it suits you best He can tell her that too.

On a practical note, your DH is showing that he won't stand up for you, so it's important to do it yourself as soon as these sorts of situations occur.

This is sadly very familiar to me. I understand your frustration.
I found it helpful to have general short one liners prepared that would fit most situations. I used to get shocked into silence in real time, so having my 'script' helped. Phrases such as,
'I'm not going to be instructed.'
I am not responsible for other people's/ your feelings.'
'This is what's happening now.'
'No.'
'I've got this.'
Don't engage in a conversation when you are being instructed, directed, commented at or receiving unsolicited advice. They are not in listening mode, but are in debunking mode, so there's no point discussing it.
Deliver your phrase and then leave the room. Walk away. Not in a huff, just leave. Make yourself unavailable to being told what to do. Just engage in the polite, reciprocal conversation only.
My boundaries turned a chronic problem into something more low-level. There is also some foundational boundaries I put in place before getting to the triggering comment. I don't off load or share my problems to them, (which inevitably leads to unsolicited advice/ overstepping. ) Neither do I get in the car with them as I need my exit routes when the conversation turns! Not meeting them one on one is also helpful, (not always possible,) as they get more distracted with others there and DP can steer conversations.
Within this framework I offer DP complete non-interference in his relationship with his mother. I also take my duty to encourage a positive relationship with my DC and their paternal family seriously. Their contact is regular, loving and close and without any direction from me. But it all happens with me refusing to engage in any conversation where I'm being told how to parent, because, well..'I've got this, thank you.' 😊

When I used to visit my ils mil used to make me leave the room to breastfeed if fil was around! I was always annoyed that exdh didn't stick up for me - they didn't speak any English and I don't like confrontation. I wouldn't have put up with it in my own home though!
I can't image dd1 or dd2 accepting being told they had to leave a room to feed their babies. They'd probably be world war three.

Please stop interfering Anne, you should not be going asking friends' parents what our friends feel comfortable with in our home. It's nothing to do with you so butter and please.

, I later brought this up to my partner and he said that he didn’t want to say anything to his Mum as he was afraid of upsetting her,

Oh dear. He's more worried about upsetting his mother than you.

In all fairness to the friend it’s quite possible that he wasn’t asked directly. It sounds like MIL instigated a conversation to get the answer she wanted from her friend. Would your DS be uncomfortable if a woman got their breasts out in front of him / new partner is a very different question to you don’t mind if I feed the baby?