Would you use nursery if you didn't have to?

[StolenShortcake]

We have one just turned 3 year old, and I'm pregnant, due in a few months.

DS has gone to nursery for two days a week for over a year now, mostly because his friends started going when their parents went back to work, and I worried he'd miss out.

The first 9 months were HARD, and he seemed to hate it. The last 3 months have been better, but he's still never keen to go, and nursery themselves say it seems too busy for him and he finds it a bit stressful. This is a bit baffling to me; as with me or Dad, he's confident and outgoing and rarely cries. He's very sociable. Before nursery, he used to do lots of classes and groups in various areas, so he was still well socialised.

Last year we needed him there, really, because I'm self-employed and as business wasn't going well enough to support us both, DH had to get some work too. He is keen to return to working with me, and it looks like if I pushed myself a bit, we could make that happen.

DS has just become entitled to 30 hours, but the plan was that he'd continue doing 2 days, but it'd cost us less. They've actually just increased the additional costs so that we're paying the same; and warned us that prices will go up in April.

I'm torn on whether we should keep pushing on with it, or if we should give notice and he should be with us? We'd go back to doing the forest school/arts/language/STEM classes we used to do with him, and he'd still socialise with the kids he likes the best as their parents are my friends.

My big concern is that we've been on the waiting list for other nurseries for nearly a year and no spaces have come up, and childminders are non-existent here, so if we take him out and regret it, we'll have no options... but I also feel awful sending him to something he clearly dislikes, and I'm not sure is doing him all that much good. I try to keep his days short, so he usually goes 9 - 4, but it hasn't made too much difference... and if I'm going to step up the business, I'm going to need to work more than 2 days a week anyway.

Any thoughts?! I've been driving myself mad with this for weeks.

I would keep pushing it.
We changed my daughter 2 full days to every morning in nursery (7 45am till 1pm) when I found out I was pregnant with my second.

It works out well: we have a great routine, she goes every morning and I'm with both of them during the afternoons.
I honestly don't know how I would be able to handle having both of them with me all day every day (and both of mine are very "easy going")

I also had a similar experience with my daughter. She didn't really like her nursery at first- which surprised me as she is very social. I found out later on that some of the children were way too old to be in the same group (my little was just turned 2, and some of the children were 4-5 years old). My daughter didn't like the loudness of the group, and she was pushed and hurt sometimes. As soon as these children started school in September, my daughter attitude towards the nursery also changed - she is loving it now!

Would preschool be an option? Personally I’d want them used to somewhere before school. Sounds like he’s been settling for a while though and still not particularly keen so I would consider a new setting.

Agree with other poster that when you have new baby it may seem more essential to have a nursery! Mine went for mornings when I was on mat leave 2.

I was a SAHM, so both mine just did mornings only, term time at the nursery class of their primary school for the year before reception.
We did loads of toddler groups and classes so they socialised then.

Can he go for half days? Full days are long if he's not happy, but I would keep him going for the same number of hours. Keeping him at home will make it hard for him to start school.

Keep looking for alternatives too. One of mine really didn't like nursery, but we were able to change for another one, which was much better for him, and he settled quickly.

At that age I'd want something, so I'd leave things as they are for now. A preschool place would work well too if you can get one.

We could do half-days, but we started with half days and went up to full ones as nursery said it'd be easier.

We started dropping off after the breakfast chaos a month or so ago, so aiming for 9 more than 8, and that does seem to have helped - but I've got a lot of guilt. He was one of the only children in last week, there was 4 in his room, and the staff said he was a different child, totally relaxed and happy, played lots of games, etc. His room is over-subscribed at the moment, but pre-school won't be quiet when he goes up, and he'll move in the next couple of months...

He comes back very overwhelmed, it's rare that we get a day where he comes back happy. He made a crown last week for their Christmas party and he was so excited and happy to come out wearing it, it really put it in perspective for me.

We could go back to mornings, or try more mornings if there's room... it's really oversubscribed. Mornings only also means we wouldn't make it to any other groups, they're all in the morning around here, but I guess we could try and keep up some other things at home.

I have endlessly looked into childminders, but the closest ones are 40 minutes away, which isn't really doable. I've also stayed on the waiting lists for the other nurseries in the area incase it's just this particular one. Preschool could work, I'll enquire and see if there's spaces!

I prefer more days shorter hours for young kids e.g 4 mornings. It becomes more part of the routine and they start to get tired and grouchy later on in the day. Or mine did!

As someone who works in Early Years I would say that your son will not be missing out if you decide to take him out of nursery especially considering all the activities you have listed.

Thanks, that's useful. I was really worried he'd be behind, so that was one of the reasons he started going.

We're paying £420 for two full days a week. It looks like 4 mornings would put that up to nearly £600... It's doable, but it's not cheap for something that he's not enjoying! His classes before added up, but only to about half that each month, if that. And I'm probably including lunch afterwards too 😂

We're over some of the hurdles that we've had - he's been potty trained at home since February but only stopped having accidents at nursery in November, for example - but he's struggling with so many kids in quite a small room, according to the nursery nurses, and he likes his personal space.

But perhaps pre-baby isn't the best time to make a change...

My dds went to nursery around age 2.5 until they started school, and it was brilliant for both of them. I think it's really important to have some kind of drop-off early years learning before they start school , and it was definitely invaluable for us when I had a second dc.

At that age I'd probably keep pushing it, as he nust be getting close to school age. Agree that mornings only all week is better than a few full days for the child, although not as good for childcare.

If you have any private schools with a nursery attached nearby, there might well be spaces due to the VAT changes and fewer parents enrolling. Our local prep had a nursery class of 9 dc with 3 staff when dd2 started. It doesn't commit you to attending the school, and in our school, they offered the 15 hours funding (but not all schools do).

Ooooh such a hard one. I was ready to jump in and tell you to keep him in the setting but after reading all your posts OP I'm not sure sure. I'm afraid my gut is telling me that this setting is just not right for him sadly. So my advice would be to try a different setting, but I can see you say there are no spaces anywhere at present. Id also agree that right around the birth of a sibling isn't a good idea for a big change like moving settings. The problem though is if you keep him there, I'd prepare for him to be much more upset going to nursery once the new baby arrives. My DC1 and DC2 have been very happy at their nursery but both of them suddenly went through a phase of reluctance going in when they knew I was home on mat leave.

If you don't need it then no however won't you want the nursery place when you have your baby? If only to catch up on some sleep, tidy up etc.
Will he be starting school nursery in September?

Is there a school nursery near to you? Lots here are under subscribed because parents prefer nurseries that can cover a full day. They might be a little quieter, and will be free once he's entitled to his 30 free hours. You might just have to pay for school dinners.

I (genuinely, and not just to enrage or upset people) worry about the results we'll see in 20 years time of a whole generation in an industrialised (and if we could be honest with ourselves, poor quality, underpaid and under-educated in terms of child development) childcare setting, up to ten hours a day from the age of six months.

It's a massive social experiment and - with what we know about attachment - seems very likely to have a negative impact on all our wellbeings. The only reason we accept it is because capitalism has reached the stage where it's not possible to survive in many cities on less than two incomes - or at least, not at the standard of living that capitalism has told us we should expect. It's a massive con - what should have happened is that men should have been forced/enabled to take half the load - so both couples go part-time and care is split between them. That's child-centred, but also equality-focused.

I know lots will disagree, but what we have is horrible.

Twenty years ago it was very much not the norm, and I don't think anyone - women, men, and most of all babies and toddlers - has benefitted.

Agree with you in a way but this isn’t the OPs situation. Sounds like her DC is 3 ish and she is expecting a new baby soon so will have her hands full. The 3yo will also start school soon and it can be a bit of a shock to not be used to some form of childcare. Even I was dropped off at playgroup in the 80s.

Yes: the difference in school readyness between my eldest (who missed loads of nursery/pre school due to covid) and youngest who is in preschool now is quite staggering. At age 3, it's v good for them.

Sadly I would have to agree 100 % with this assessment.

Only you can judge but if your son is not enjoying it then I really wouldn't send him. I think suggestions for a couple of sessions at a Preschool are definitely worth considering, if only to give you a bit of breather with your new born.

He’s just turned 3 in the last fortnight, so he’ll be 4 next December, and I think start school the September after?

It’s a good point about sleep and things with #2, although I never managed to nap with DS, I just sort of struggled though. And I think our plan would be that if we weren’t paying for nursery, DH would come back and work for my business, so one of us would have the kids and one would work. He’d only need to be part time and I am busy setting things up so they are less dependant on set hours, so I can work at 4am or 8pm or whatever suits whatever routine we get into.

I worked in a nursery as a 17 year old and although we loved playing mum and cuddling the babies, it wasn’t the most educational experience for them. We picked this one because his friends went and it was supposed to be better, but even his keyworker says it’s oversubscribed and they don’t get to do much with the children. He got to do painting and a game last week when it was quiet and he was so excited about it.

I’ll take a look at school nurseries! And any private schools. I’ll also talk to nursery about switching to more mornings and seeing if that helps, although we’ve been on the list for Mondays and Thursdays since April and there’s been no availability, and it’d be harder to manage that with DH working. I don’t really want DH to give up his job and have nursery to pay, especially if fees are going to go up, because that’ll mean I’ll have to go back to work at 8 weeks again. It wasn’t the end of the world but it wasn’t brilliant.

He’s just turned 3 in the last fortnight, so he’ll be 4 next December, and I think start school the September after?

OT, but it's time to figure this out! We have to apply for primary school in the next few weeks for our four year old, and it was preschool last year. If she'd been born a week earlier we would've been applying for primary school last year when she was 3. I'm in NI so probably a different system where you are, but with a 3yo you need to figure out when he'll be going to school, when to apply etc and start thinking about local schools.

No and I work in one I wouldn’t dream of it.

No I wouldn't hesitate to pull him out in the circumstances that you describe.

I can't work out if you need to send him or not. If you don't then keep him home. Why make him go if he doesn't like it?

Our middle son didn't like nursery but we needed the childcare so limited it to mornings only. We also kept him home when I was on maternity leave with our youngest.

3 hour long preschool sessions the year before they start school - yes.
Full days for a 2 year old who hates it and doesn't need to be there - absolutely not.