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Original poster

My son has just turned 2 & dad wants 50/50

46 replies

Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 08:54

Hi, I am after some advice regarding my son. My son has just turned 2 and my partner walked out on us around 8 months ago. It’s only in the last 2 months that my partner has forced 50/50 arrangement in place. I have tried this but it is causing to much distress on my son being away from me for for such long periods when he is used to me being there all of the time. I have now tried to reduce this agreement to one night a week (over night) and every other weekend (all weekend) as per my solicitors advice. May I add, prior to this I had offered 2 over night stays during the week & every other weekend which still wasn’t good enough. My ex is a man who likes to be in control & does not being told no, especially by me.
I am so supportive of a relationship between father & son & infact I encourage it however, it should not be at my son’s own detriment.
I guess what I’m asking is what is the chances of 50/50 for a child at such a young age. I would also like to add I have no intention of applying to CMS, I haven’t had a penny in the last 8 months from my ex & this is not about money for me just the best interest of my son.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/12/2024 08:57

Is it distressing you or your son

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2024 08:58

Why wouldn't you apply for CMS?

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 08:59

Does your ex work and how is he facilitating 50/50? I suspect he is asking for this because someone has told him he won't need to pay CMS if he has 50/50 and someone has provably said that at some point you will want child maintenance payments.

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Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 09:18

Theunamedcat · 30/12/2024 08:57

Is it distressing you or your son

I’d be lying if I said the whole situation isn’t distressing but yes it is distressing for my son. The separation anxiety, not wanting to leave me to go anywhere even to bed without me.
I have been so supportive of 50/50 until watching these changes in my son, I’ve also offered such a reasonable and fair agreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 09:19

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2024 08:58

Why wouldn't you apply for CMS?

Because my primary focus is my son’s best interest not money. And my ex has also made it very clear during mediation he would not agree to any parenting plan that wasn’t 50/50 until I agreed I don’t want any of his money.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/12/2024 09:21

It’s not your or his money, it’s money for the upkeep of his child. You should be claiming it.

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 09:21

Spirallingdownwards · 30/12/2024 08:59

Does your ex work and how is he facilitating 50/50? I suspect he is asking for this because someone has told him he won't need to pay CMS if he has 50/50 and someone has provably said that at some point you will want child maintenance payments.

Yes he works full time. Our son is in child care and I also work from home too taking care of him. It is massively to do with money, he has already said during mediation that he will not agree to any parenting plan that isn’t 50/50 until I agree I don’t want any of his money. & for me honestly, it’s not about money. I just want an agreement that’s is my sons best interest at such a young age.

OP posts:
mitogoshigg · 30/12/2024 09:25

Unless there's good reason why not, yes 50/50 is likely to be granted with it building up to that point if you weren't already there. Are you sure he's really distressed by it or just not liking the transition? Many children find the thought of going to the other parent upsetting but fine there, then same in reverse

BellissimoGecko · 30/12/2024 09:28

Your ex is a twat. You should claim CM. And take your solicitor's advice. I don't think 50:50 is good for such small dc either. Is your ex a good parent?

Meadowfinch · 30/12/2024 09:40

OP, my ex did the whole 'if you leave, you'll never get a penny, I'll get custody' blah blah.

I left ds aged 2 for one long weekend with his dad, who discovered he had to do nappies, and feeding was messy and time consuming. Ex couldn't go to the pub or play tennis with his mates or go to football. He had to learn to multitask. That DS demanded pretty much full time attention. Ex had to get up in the night. Every night. 😀

50/50 was never mentioned again. And when ex found himself a new woman, he wanted to go away weekends too. Contact shrank to 6 hours a week.

Claim CMS. Don't be bullied. That money isn't yours to refuse, it belongs to your child who may need it in the future. Call out your ex's penny-pinching spite and take your solicitor's advice.

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 09:57

BellissimoGecko · 30/12/2024 09:28

Your ex is a twat. You should claim CM. And take your solicitor's advice. I don't think 50:50 is good for such small dc either. Is your ex a good parent?

He wasn’t a present father at all during the time we were together. It’s only since I got legal advice that he’s stepped up and not doing anything out of line. I am not saying we can’t build upto 50/50 as and when my little boy is that bit older, also my original suggestion was practically 50/50. 2 over night stays in the week and every other weekend all weekend. The problem is he will feel as if I’m dictating to him and that’s what he can’t stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 09:59

mitogoshigg · 30/12/2024 09:25

Unless there's good reason why not, yes 50/50 is likely to be granted with it building up to that point if you weren't already there. Are you sure he's really distressed by it or just not liking the transition? Many children find the thought of going to the other parent upsetting but fine there, then same in reverse

I know my child and I know they’re distressed. There never used to be any problems going to sleep now he won’t sleep without me, constantly saying “mummy don’t leave me” “mummy pick me up, mummy don’t see me tomorrow”. I am and will always encourage a good relationship between father and son & infact I have, but for my partner it’s not what is best for the child it’s what is going to hurt me the most. My proposed agreement was practically 50/50 anyway, the problem is I get 1 extra night a week which means he has to pay me CMS.

OP posts:
Moonwalkies · 30/12/2024 10:01

Go through CMS, I'd bet a wedge of money when the reality of 50/50 kicks in he won't be pursuing it formally through court. At the moment seems he's trying to get you to agree outside of CMS that he doesn't have to pay anything and no doubt soon enough he'll make excuses why he has to have him less and less. Do it all 'properly' for the sake of you and your child.

SJM1988 · 30/12/2024 10:05

Unless there is a reason you haven't explained - 50/50 is the best for your DS. It might take a transition for your son to get use to but it is best for him to spend his time equally with both parents in the long term.
You don't state what your 50/50 arrangement is. If your DS doesn't like being away from you for long periods of time, why not 2 day with you, the 2 with dad to start. Working up to maybe 3 or 4 days.
I have friends that do week by week, others 4 days by 4 days other, half a week each swapping who get the 3/4 days each week. There are alot of scenarios that can work 50/50

Go through CMS for the financial side and go to mediation/court to get a childcare agreement in place. Neither of you are dictating what happens then

RecoveringChocaholic · 30/12/2024 10:16

Does he realise that he will be responsible for half the childcare costs, clothes, food, toys, nappies etc too if he has him 50/50? I'm guessing that actually adds up to more than the CMS he'd have to pay you.
I think your offer of 2 nights a week and every other weekend is a fair offer. Your DS will get used to it, he's still very young. My DS is 9 and still struggles with handovers almost 3 years down the line. It's hard for them, but it's important that they can have a relationship with both parents.
Have you tried mediation? I would also make sure you have a CAO that covers stuff like christmas, birthdays, holidays (think ahead towards school - those holidays are looong and expensive in childcare) and how all the costs are being split.

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 10:44

SJM1988 · 30/12/2024 10:05

Unless there is a reason you haven't explained - 50/50 is the best for your DS. It might take a transition for your son to get use to but it is best for him to spend his time equally with both parents in the long term.
You don't state what your 50/50 arrangement is. If your DS doesn't like being away from you for long periods of time, why not 2 day with you, the 2 with dad to start. Working up to maybe 3 or 4 days.
I have friends that do week by week, others 4 days by 4 days other, half a week each swapping who get the 3/4 days each week. There are alot of scenarios that can work 50/50

Go through CMS for the financial side and go to mediation/court to get a childcare agreement in place. Neither of you are dictating what happens then

So the arrangement I suggested was every Monday and Wednesday night to him & every other weekend Friday - Sunday. He refused that as he didn’t want to grand back over on the Sunday as it mean I got an extra night a week. There is just no logic, this isn’t what is best it’s down to not having to pay me any money and him not being dictated to by me.

we have done mediation and got absolutely nowhere as he wouldn’t back down over that Sunday night handover. My solicitor said I have been more than reasonable, I just don’t want to have to battle it in court. It just seems crazy.

OP posts:
SJM1988 · 30/12/2024 10:57

Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 10:44

So the arrangement I suggested was every Monday and Wednesday night to him & every other weekend Friday - Sunday. He refused that as he didn’t want to grand back over on the Sunday as it mean I got an extra night a week. There is just no logic, this isn’t what is best it’s down to not having to pay me any money and him not being dictated to by me.

we have done mediation and got absolutely nowhere as he wouldn’t back down over that Sunday night handover. My solicitor said I have been more than reasonable, I just don’t want to have to battle it in court. It just seems crazy.

Show quote history

Well your offer is more than reasonable. Sensible for your DS too not being away from either parent for that long really. And my reconning is nearly 50/50 anyway. If he is that petty, what about every other week moving the Sunday handover, so one week Sunday and one week Monday morning - then its 50/50.

Honestly just go to court and get it court ordered. If he isn't willing to compromise he is going to need a judge to give him a wake up call. I currently have friends about fight it out over custody. Neither can seem to understand that best for the child is 50/50 - they want 70/30 in their benefit in each case. At least you are reasonable!

FarmerLlama · 30/12/2024 11:01

SJM1988 · 30/12/2024 10:05

Unless there is a reason you haven't explained - 50/50 is the best for your DS. It might take a transition for your son to get use to but it is best for him to spend his time equally with both parents in the long term.
You don't state what your 50/50 arrangement is. If your DS doesn't like being away from you for long periods of time, why not 2 day with you, the 2 with dad to start. Working up to maybe 3 or 4 days.
I have friends that do week by week, others 4 days by 4 days other, half a week each swapping who get the 3/4 days each week. There are alot of scenarios that can work 50/50

Go through CMS for the financial side and go to mediation/court to get a childcare agreement in place. Neither of you are dictating what happens then

Have you any proof that 50/50 is best for the child?

BellissimoGecko · 30/12/2024 11:47

Well, no wonder your dc is upset, if your ex didn't used to do much parenting. Stick to your guns. You want what's best for your dc. Your ex? Not so much. He just wants to save money.

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 11:57

SJM1988 · 30/12/2024 10:57

Well your offer is more than reasonable. Sensible for your DS too not being away from either parent for that long really. And my reconning is nearly 50/50 anyway. If he is that petty, what about every other week moving the Sunday handover, so one week Sunday and one week Monday morning - then its 50/50.

Honestly just go to court and get it court ordered. If he isn't willing to compromise he is going to need a judge to give him a wake up call. I currently have friends about fight it out over custody. Neither can seem to understand that best for the child is 50/50 - they want 70/30 in their benefit in each case. At least you are reasonable!

Show quote history

And this is what I can’t stress enough. I am wanting my DS to have a relationship with his father, I want it to be as fair as possible & I believe my proposed agreement is. I really believe I need to stand firm on this as well as I believe it’s what’s in the best interest for my DS. The problem is my ex partner can’t bare to be told what to do by anyone especially by me, I have done everything his way. From his 50/50 version which was 4 day to me one week 3 day to me the following. I’ve tried to co parent, I’ve tried mediation. Absolutely nothing works unless it’s his way. Hence the reason for needing a solicitor

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2024 11:58

You weren’t married?

Wouldntgocaving · 30/12/2024 11:59

He wants 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay I think .

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 12:19

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2024 11:58

You weren’t married?

No, together 11 years. Own a house together.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 30/12/2024 12:20

Does he have rights to 50/50, if you weren’t married?

Original poster
Daisychain24 · 30/12/2024 12:27

RecoveringChocaholic · 30/12/2024 10:16

Does he realise that he will be responsible for half the childcare costs, clothes, food, toys, nappies etc too if he has him 50/50? I'm guessing that actually adds up to more than the CMS he'd have to pay you.
I think your offer of 2 nights a week and every other weekend is a fair offer. Your DS will get used to it, he's still very young. My DS is 9 and still struggles with handovers almost 3 years down the line. It's hard for them, but it's important that they can have a relationship with both parents.
Have you tried mediation? I would also make sure you have a CAO that covers stuff like christmas, birthdays, holidays (think ahead towards school - those holidays are looong and expensive in childcare) and how all the costs are being split.

Yes we have tried mediation & we got absolutely no where. Because the agreement of 2 over night stays a week for him and every other weekend all weekend still meant I had my DS 1 extra night then him and he wasn’t having it. I am just dumbfounded by it all. I am trying to be reasonable & I really struggle to imagine how (if it does go to court) the judge will not see that. The problem is my ex doesn’t want to pay me anything and doesn’t want to be told what to do by anyone, especially me. It’s just so draining, the constant battle.

OP posts: