My son has just turned 2 & dad wants 50/50

[Daisychain24]

Hi, I am after some advice regarding my son. My son has just turned 2 and my partner walked out on us around 8 months ago. It’s only in the last 2 months that my partner has forced 50/50 arrangement in place. I have tried this but it is causing to much distress on my son being away from me for for such long periods when he is used to me being there all of the time. I have now tried to reduce this agreement to one night a week (over night) and every other weekend (all weekend) as per my solicitors advice. May I add, prior to this I had offered 2 over night stays during the week & every other weekend which still wasn’t good enough. My ex is a man who likes to be in control & does not being told no, especially by me.
I am so supportive of a relationship between father & son & infact I encourage it however, it should not be at my son’s own detriment.
I guess what I’m asking is what is the chances of 50/50 for a child at such a young age. I would also like to add I have no intention of applying to CMS, I haven’t had a penny in the last 8 months from my ex & this is not about money for me just the best interest of my son.

I do believe in 50:50 access for children to both parents but, I think at 2 years old is too young.

I'd do some research on the issue of stress in young children away from the primary carer and calmly present it to him with a structured plan of how any increase in access ultimately leading to 50:50 access, which in my opinion is probably year 2 of school.

CSA is another issue and is quite frankly no one else's business the financial setup and financial background of the pair of you.

im not entirely sure, I believe a father holds just as much right as the mother even if that isn’t in the child’s best interests.

What does your solicitor say on that point?

💯 most of the time this ‘50/50’ custody request is not because father suddenly wants to spend more time with their child/ren. It’s only about not paying maintenance. Awful. Poor kids.

Everyone with parental rights has equal rights concerning their children (unless court order differs) but that doesn't mean to say that the child has to spend 50% of their time with each parent especially if it is not in the child's best interest

A quick google tells me that unmarried fathers do not have equal rights.

If he’s wanting 50:50 because he doesn’t want to pay child maintenance and he’s not a great dad then that’s a crap situation.

If he is a good dad and he genuinely wants more time with his DS then 50:50 can work well. It doesn’t have to be exactly 50:50 but 3 days with him and 4 with you. You could build it up over time.

It must be traumatic for kids that only get to see their dad one day a week. It’s not enough time to build that bond, so the cycle continues of kid not wanting to go because they aren’t used to.

Seeing both parents and spending an equal amount of time with both is better for a child than not, unless the father’s are feckless and useless.

In what way?

I wasn't married to ds' dad, but he has the same rights as me, as far as I know. Apart from the initial period of breastfeeding, which it is impossible to make equal due to human biology, I think he has the same legal rights and responsibilities as I do.

He just chooses not to exercise them.

Of course they do. Don't spout incorrect bullshit you got from google.

According to the several specialist law firms Google pointed me to, they don’t. I don't suppose they spout incorrect bullshit.

OP needs legal advice.

I agree, this is from the gov website @titchy

Parental responsibility for separated parents
If you have parental responsibility for a child but you do not live with them, it does not mean you have a right to spend time with your children. However, the other parent must include you when making important decisions about their lives.

I think for kids that young 2 2 3 is normally recommended, meaning:

Week 1 he has Mon+Tue, you have Wed+Thu, he has Fri, Sat, Sun
Week 2 you have Mon+Tue, he has Wed+Thu, you have Fri, Sat, Sun

And so on. That way your son gets to see both of you frequently and you get every other weekend with him.

Marriage and parenthood aren't linked. Unmarried parents don't lose their rights to their children, not mothers or fathers.

*Parental responsibility for separated parents
If you have parental responsibility for a child but you do not live with them, it does not mean you have a right to spend time with your children.*However, the other parent must include you when making important decisions about their lives.

Where does it say that this only applies to unmarried parents? Legally, married or unmarried makes no difference.

I'm not going to give any legal info as I don't know the answers but....a) if you let him dictate terms to you now it will only get worse as time goes on and b) if you don't get a financial arrangement in place now then will you be able to manage on your one salary when little one gets older? Good luck whatever the outcome x

Hi op,
I think you need very detailed diary about some behaviors and how it changes when he's going away more vs less.
Does he go to nursery can you back this up with them, have they noticed any changes?
Keep saying in correspondence that you have always and continue to facilitate their regular time together and strengthening their relationship.

Other factors - how far away does dad live from child care? Does he do doctors and dentist new shoe fitting etc or is that just you? As you could argue the child has a right to quality time with both parents and if you spend all yours on appointments and errands your boy won't have quality time with you.

You could also ask your ex to commit to a review date. Eg say 'can we keep for now and then review this again In three months'

This way also works as a kind of way to weed out the parents who want 50/50 to avoid paying out as the days on which why have routine responsibility for the child are theirs to cover in terms of childcare and it's logical to split the cost of the Fridays 50/50 too.

Because the legal expectations of child support amounts are so low this often turns out to be more than they would have paid if they didn't have their child as often.

My sons father demanded 5050 as soon as he turned one and I asked for help with the nursery fees (which are a lot more than double his child
Maintenance) but he'd never had him in his home at that point.
I've never said no to 50/50 but I have said yes to an increase gradually. Started with naps at his house then tried an overnight every other weekend
He's now 2 and he does one night a week alternate weekend and midweek. He seems ok with it as we built up to it slowly and he was used to his cot there. He also still sees me every day morning or evening. I don't feel he's ready to go two nights away in a row away yet but we'll see what he pushes for next.
Interestingly my ex has cancelled once a month since overnights have started so I really don't think he could manage more. I have kept a detailed log of all of this. I also do everything by email so i have email evidence of him refusing to waste his time taking our child shoe shopping which will be evidence that he doesn't do the day to day grunt work of parenting.

Who is paying for things like childcare? Has he understood that he needs to pay for it on his days if you're doing 50/50?

If this hasn't been discussed send him the childcare bill, let him know that you have paid for your days and ask him to pay for his. If you think he's just being controlling this may miraculously result in him reducing week day contact!

I pay for all childcare and I am the only parent on the childcare contract.

Then I would strongly strongly suggest that you start expecting him to pay for any childcare which he uses on his days. If you want to dissuade him from 50/50 making it more expensive than your other suggestions is a good way to start and its pretty accepted practice that parents pay for the childcare they need on their own time.